New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 29: The Polar Express Stops in Maplewood, NJ

If you were on board The Polar Express, would you really want to stop in New Jersey? Can you believe that Santa Claus (aka Schlatter Claus) actually has to bring presents to the kids in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey? Santa would risk the chance of becoming a fat, red, radioactive, hairy beast. As you can see in this clip from 2004’s The Polar Express, Santa’s elves almost shitcan the idea of stopping in Maplewood, NJ, but the “big man” ultimately pusses out because he’s the nicest guy in the world.

This little punk bitch Steven from Maplewood put gum in his sisters hair and then acted like the lying brat that he is and couldn’t even own up to it. Steven repeated “I didn’t do it” over and over again. Whether I should be pissed at the creators and editors of The Polar Express, or if I should direct my anger toward the little annoying kid is irrelevant. Either way, this kid royally pisses me off. Why, why, why did they have to show that clip of “I didn’t do it” 5 times?? Are they serious? 5 f-cking times? Completely uncessary! I got the point after the first one, thanks. “I didnt do it” oh but you DID do it. You annoyed the Mumm-Ra ever living shit out of me. I want to smack this kid in the mouth with a spatula. Please cue Kool and the Gang’s latest track that they recorded just for me “Interrogation Time,” because if Steven didn’t do then I need some f’n answers. Hey Steven, who put the f’n gum in your sisters hair if you two were the only ones in the room at the time? You are the biggest f-cking liar! Stop blatantly denying that shit!

What’s with the elves sounding like they are from New Joisey? Apparently, Santa Claus is their Godfather figure or Tony Soprano take your pick. If there’s any truth to this then that means all of the wishes of all of the children around the world get filtered through the Garden state and then sent up to the North pole. Whether you are naughty or nice, the elves either say yay or “nah, f-ck that kid.” Remember when you wanted the Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas back in ’83? Remember how disappointed you were when you realized that it wasn’t under the Christmas tree? You can blame that on one of those made elves who ratted you out to Santa Claus about how you stole that little jerkoffs grape fruit roll-up at lunch time. Don’t even get me started on my Millennium Falcon fiasco! Let’s just say I was never able to recreate any of Han and Chewie’s space adventures all because of an incident involving artificial fruit and a cute little blonde girl. I’ll say no more. So, if you don’t get what you want from Santa Claus this year, blame it on the elves who run organized rat outs of naughty kids in NJ under the guise of waste management.

**There’s a lot more to be said about Maplewood, NJ’s place pop culture so stay tuned for future Armpit posts featuring this town!