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A Theme: What I Want For Christmas

Posted on December 24, 2011 by sexyarmpit

Stealing from a couple of classic Christmas movies and songs, there are a few ways I can start this. Mrs. Shields wanted us to write a theme so here goes or if anyone wants any last minute gift ideas for me, (that means YOU Cousin Eddie) and there’s also the Tenacious D/Sum 41 song “Hey now Santa I’m writing to you cause there’s a lot of cool shit I want…” Either way, like Bob & Doug said, “There’s lots of ideas in here, so listen and don’t get stuck”:

Dear Santa,

These are just a few of the things I want. I know I can’t have them all, but if I don’t write them down I might forget. Would you mind keeping these on file for next year in case you can’t make one or two of them happen? Thank you, and you can be sure we’ll leave some good shit for you in case you have the munchies.

Sincerely,

The Sexy Armpit

1) The He-Man Power Sword – offered by Toonseum and Filmation, it was the actual sword He-Man used on the float at the 1986 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

2) A flyby from TokiDoki Tattoo Barbie in her Barbie Glamour Jet – Please instruct her to blow me a kiss before she drops a huge shipment of Margaritaville Salsa.

3) Rhonda Shear and Up All Night is making a comeback – you can check that one off the list

4) Force Chris Collinsworth into retirement from sportscasting

5) Convince Hef to Let The Sexy Armpit Re-Open The Great Gorge Playboy Club in NJ
In this Christmas wish the old Playboy Club in New Jersey is back in action, and it’s rocking better than ever. Hugh personally tapped me to be in charge of it. On one cold Friday night I’m chilling in a hot tub sipping Bubble Gum flavored Kool Aid that Amber Heard served to me in her bunny outfit. To my right is Katy Perry in Rainbow Brite getup. The Bella Twins are laying behind me sprawled out on the deck whispering cute little flirtations into my ear and giggling while sipping a moderately priced champagne. To the left of me is my pal Larry Dallas who’s cracking me up while his on again off again lady friend Princess Giselle looks on with a smile in awe. Providing tunes up on the nearby stage is none other than Prince who just invited Meatwad to join him for a duet of “Little Red Corvette.”

Louis Tully stands by in pajamas with feet and his earmuffs on grasping his canon and saturating us with pink mood slime. Seconds later the record scratches as the maniacal Purple Pie Man crashes the party. We thought he was going to wreak havoc, but he just had a huge blowout with Sour Grapes and wanted to come see if Raspberry Tart and her pet monkey wanted to get into some late night mischief. After some mind altering experiences we take the Batplane to Houlihans and enjoy a shitlaod of their delectable So. Cal Fish Tacos. I can’t stay out too late though because I have a mini-golf outing planned the next morning with Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein. I need to be on point because he’s a bad ass on the course.

6) CGI Danny Devito as a normal Penguin into Batman Returns
I tend to watch Batman Returns during Christmas time and as much as I love Tim Burton I always feel like it needs a lot of improvement. What I’d really love to see with modern computer technology is a revamped version that makes it more of a traditional Batman film. One of the making of documentaries explained that Burton was hesitant to do a sequel to Batman but was coerced into it when the WB big-wigs said he could “make it a Tim Burton movie.” That’s what makes Batman Returns so different than Batman. There would be more of a connection to the first movie if it wasn’t so warped. Penguin never had flippers for hands or ate raw fish right out of it’s scaly body. He was a little rich pipsqueak. There’s a lot of haters of the ’60s Batman show, but Burgess Meredith really nailed the original vision of The Penguin. I know that Burton’s freakish take on The Penguin was just an alternate way to see the character, but I think making DeVito’s Penguin more like the Batman Returns figure that was released by Kenner would’ve made a better Bat-film.

7) Goldust vs. Cody Rhodes

Sure I’d love to see Stone Cold or Jericho come back to fight CM Punk, but there’s also lots of talk on Twitter trying to gear up for this family feud. I’m instigating it as well. I was never really a fan of Dustin until he premiered the character Goldust in WWE in 1995. I immediately became obsessed with his bizarre ways. I went so far as to dress up as him for our backyard wrestling events, face paint and all. I creeped out all my friends. My first ever AOL screen name was even Goldust1. To see him make a comeback against his brother Cody would be awesome, especially with that kickass classic white Intercontinental title on the line! Make it happen WWE!

Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea Mints

Posted on June 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

It’s been so blazingly hot here in New Jersey that my writing powers were slowly depleting until I found some inspiration from a package of mints. I found these Ice Breakers Sugar Free Lemon Iced Tea flavored mints while on line at the grocery store. Iced Tea has always been my favorite beverage…that is…whenever I run out of everclear.

As far as I know, Fresca, prune juice, and Kaopectate are NOT the official drinks of suburbia. I would say the reigning king of libations in suburbia especially in the’80s was Kool-Aid, but in my household it was most definitely Iced Tea. If anyone ranging from a friend to a washing machine repair man walked into my house, my mom offered them iced tea as if they were homeless and hadn’t had any liquid pass through their bodies in a decade. Of course the hospitality never ended there but as it pertains to this article, if we compared the scenario to a religious ceremony iced tea was the liquid of the Gods. To the shock and outrage of many people, I’m not a big fan of bread which renders me “staff of life deficient,” so I must compensate with plenty of Iced Tea.

As for gum, I don’t chew Ice Breakers that often because I don’t really need little mint crystals in my gum. I do enjoy mints and seeing this fine product hit the shelves only made me realize there’s a lack of beverage flavored mints. Although, when the revolution of drink based breath fresheners does commence, I pray mints all over the world model their flavors off of these. Then take cover because mouth explosions will take place everywhere.

These Lemon Iced Tea mints bear a surprisingly accurate taste to the real thing. Plus, any product that boasts “Ultimate Mouth Freshening” must be pretty damn effective. I think part of me really enjoyed these because they aren’t just a run of the mill mint with a typical flavor. I commend Ice Breakers for taking a chance on a cool new flavor while keeping them sugar free. It also doesn’t hurt that they remind me of the old style certs. Has anyone tried these yet?

The Day the Candy Died

Posted on January 9, 2007 by sexyarmpit

At work the other day we came into a windfall of Smarties. It was fun, it was like Halloween. I don’t eat candy a lot now that I’m all “grown up,” but I was a loyal fan of the candy when I was a kid. Smarties were a favorite of mine and I can’t count how many occasions Smarties wound up in my hands. We would get them in birthday party goody bags, on Halloween, and sometimes in a big-ass variety pack mom bought that was filled with candy. Smarties never changed the formula and always stayed true to themselves. The packaging, flavor, and consistency have stayed the same as long as I can remember. This means a lot in comparison with all the rest of the candy out there.
We stuffed our pockets with as much would fit. My coworker and I had lumpy asses. I haven’t had them in so long so I ripped into them immediately and they tasted awesome. There was actually different varieties like Tropical, which didn’t taste too much different than the original, and Bubble Gum! Now, I’m a big fan of the flavor bubble gum as in “Maglione’s Italian Ice Bubble Gum,” and I was hoping that the Smarties would taste similar. After I popped a bunch in my mouth and started chewing I realized that they actually turned into gum. A pretty BAD gum if I must say. It tasted like apples instead of bubble gum. Even worse, was that it was the type of weak gum that seems like your chewing a pansy ass gum that wears frilly violet shirts. I spit the damn gum out immediately. I couldn’t stand it.
It’s such a shame that Smarties has bowed to the pressures of society and started making all these different varieties. That’s the downfall of quality. Why make Reese’s with caramel, Reese’s with white chocolate, Reese’s with pudding, Reese’s cookies, Reese’s with pesto sauce, Reese’s with neon yellow peanut butter, Reese’s with her spoon, the list goes on and on. To all the candy companies: Start concentrating on the original and quit worrying about offshoots! Stop trying to spin-off your candy! Are you trying to make candy or jump the shark?
After checking out their website, I read that they’re a family owned company and they are made right in Union, New Jersey! Not that this makes me forget how awful their Smarties gum is, but it definitely puts them back in my good graces. But that didn’t last long as I continued to peruse their site and saw so many different kinds of Smarties to chose from. There’s even Smarties candy money! Let this be a lesson, stick to the basics. Once you start manufacturing X-Treme Sour Smarties, it’s disastrous!
And what’s with Nestle Chocolate Smarties clogging up search engines when I search for the REAL Smarties? F-them! Does anyone even like them?