A bird shit on my jalopy

First- My word of the week: JALOPY

You know that some car company is gonna come out with one. Some sarcastic car company will
use it in their “too clever for words” advertising scheme. I could see a company using against another. Why go out and buy the ’06 Buick Jalopy when you can afford a trendy new Infinity XG88TK421 special edition model that starts only at around $147,000. Jalopy is a cool mf’n word.

What a resounding response frome the G-String Blog!
Not only were those responses plenty but great in substance. It makes a man proud! I’m realizing that many girls I’ve asked actually have them and wear them alot. I guess some of the girls that I have been in contact with just didn’t seem to wear them and many said they were uncomfortable/annoying. I still think it’s open to debate.

A week or two ago I was about to get my clothes on for work. I put my pants on and realized that the button above the zipper was gone. This is an instance where I was in a state of total disbelief. These few moments were full of worry, anger, and skepticism. It’s funny how for those few seconds my mind was saying “This can’t possibly happen.” I was focusing more on the fact that a button has never came off any pair of pants that I’ve owned EVER. So I figured the chances of this happening were slim. I was wrong. My mind was in shock as to why nature would do something this cruel to me as I was about to leave for work. I was unprepared for an event of such diabolical proportions. What if I didn’t have another pair of pants on hand? What if I had a pair and they weren’t cleaned? I’d be up the creek. I would need to go to the pants store. Honestly, how many times have you slipped into your old ratty jeans that you’ve had for a million years only to notice that the button was missing? That never happens. I have a better chance of being sprayed by a skunk while jogging in a lime green spandex jumpsuit and listening to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes on my Ipod. That shit never comes up on shuffle mode.

—-I forgot to mention this. I figured I’d throw it in like a DVD special feature. Christmas morning I was getting gifts out of my car in my girlfriend’s driveway and after I pulled a bag out and a few packages I turned my head for a second and heard SPLAT! I looked back at my car and there was HUGE dumping of bird shit on my car window. I have never been so close to a bird shitting site ever. It always seems so distant. I was so close to being shit on by a bird. This bird must have been to China Buffet before he pinched that one out. My God. Thankfully it didn’t get on me or I would cry like a little girl and then throw myself in the creek and roll around until I drowned myself. That is another thing – how come almost everyone I know has been shit on by a bird? Guys and girls that I’ve spoken to claim that it’s happened to them. WTF? I’m not saying I want to join the bird shittees club or anything but I do feel that perhaps what they say is right. “IT’S GOOD LUCK.” How many times have I heard that? Is that just them rationalizing their horribly gross experience? Who knows. All I know is that I’m going to the bathroom to vomit right now. No no…I’ll hold it in and then when I see a bird outside I’ll blow my chunks all over it. How would they like it? Dumb birds.

The Case of the Perplexing G-String

This one is “just a quickie” (no pun intended) Yeah right, that is impossible. As I sit in front of the computer I have a tissue stuck up my nose and I’m smoking my fake cigarette. This has been perplexing me for a while now so I needed to get in the mood. Since I started school this past semester in September of ’05 and ended a couple of weeks ago, I realized something about the girls at Kean. There seem to be many girls on that campus who wear G-Strings. I would sit in class and certain girls would waltz in and sit down in the rows in front of me and as they sat down I couldn’t help but see their backside where their G-strings would rise out of their pants and way up to their lower back. These weren’t normal G-Strings either. These had rhinestones, some had frilly doily patterns. Where the hell have I been? Personally, I’ve never been with a girl sexually who ever wore a G-string in my prescence.

I find this contradictory to what I had previously believed. I was under the impression that the majority of girls especially those in college wore THONGS. Am I living in the past? Are the days of Sisquo gone? To be honest – HBO comes to mind…”G-String Divas.” Is this show still on? Do they still make new episodes? I have never even seen it, I just know that they always used to show commercials for it relentlessly. Do you think that this show has anything to do with the upsurge in G-String wearing? Obviously our TV habits have an effect on our lifestyle. But I’m not sure in this case.




Would you wear it on an everyday basis? Like going to the bank? Is this a little odd? This may be a small percentage of girls. Perhaps I’m losing touch with the youth. After all, girls are having sex waay early at like…age 8 now. Personally, I just think a thong or regular underwear is fine young or old. I think jumping to the G-String definitely means SEX. Once you have that on you are hiking it up a few octaves. I just don’t think its necessary especially when a few of the G-Strings in question were seen popping up from girls jeans. Why do you need to wear one with jeans? I can see if it was a tight skirt, dress, spandex pants…whatever. I can see if you are on a beach in Brazil and everyone has one on. I can see you wearing one if you are Paul Stanley. I can see you wearing one if your butt crack needs a good flossing.

I just don’t know that if I was a girl if I would wear one to a school or work environment unless there was a reason. I can see if you are trying to turn on a co-worker or boss. I can see it if you slept at a boyfriends house and you dressed really sexy for him and then you realized you were late for class and had no time to put regular underwear on or even a thong then you just hightailed it to Kean for your Global History of Skankiness 101 class that you never study for cause you’ve aced all the tests. Maybe it’s extra points for the G-String. I sometimes sat there believing that these girls had a pole in their house and they would wake up twirl around it a few times in their G-String and slide down it and then once they hit the botttom floor their clothes would miraculously appear on them like Batman in the 60’s TV series. They slid down as Bruce and Dick (that sounded so dirty) and then appeared in the Batcave at the end of their poles (dirty again) as Batman and Robin. Frankly that was amazing. Who gives a fuck about G-Strings. I want a fucking Batpole so I don’t have to actually get changed in the morning. And what the hell does the G stand for in G-String? Am I missing something? Gyno? Gash?