Double Whammy

I’m sick and my computer is sick. I’m rarely sick but I have a horrible sore throat and a few other symptoms, but more importantly, my pc has been hijacked by a file that my virusscan and Ad aware can’t get rid of. I have several awesome updates coming your way so I’m going to have call upon the God of Thunder, Gene Simmons himself to annihilate these unwanted programs.

Off to review another haunted house in NYC tonite…

Why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior!

Boy did I despise high school and everything about it. I wasn’t quite the outcast that Eddie Weinbauer was (played by Marc Price so brilliantly in Trick or Treat) but in my mind that’s exactly who I would’ve rather been than one of the popular kids or the overachievers. Outcasts aren’t usually the ones who are at the bottom of the food chain in high school, it’s the ones in the middle who don’t understand why everyone needs to be categorized. Throughout my teenage years I walked around with an air of angst. It’s not the most encouraging revelation that you need to adjust to the system and comply to the social norms when you just want to do it your own way. All this really means is that if you want to put on makeup, ripped leather pants, and rock out without anyone telling you that you don’t belong than there’s only one man who can be your saviour:

Reasons why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior

He WILL rule the Apocalypse. I always had big aspirations in life, but I have zero confidence that Rock will ever choose me as it’s warrior. Instead, I’m probably a shoe in to be one of rock’s great listeners. It actually seems redundant since there’s no one else in the entire universe, except for maybe Darkseid, who could rule the Apocalypse besides Sammi Curr.

One of his biggest fans will always be known to millions as Skippy Handleman, not Ragman. Marc Price will always be known as Skippy, the Keaton’s neighbor, even though his best role was playing outcast Eddie Weinbauer in Trick or Treat. The cool, popular guys are always playing tricks on him and making fun of him so he vows to “nail them.” He’s a Walkman listening, jean jacket wearing, metal kid who’s got a crush on a cute girl named Leslie. She doesn’t even know he exists until he gets locked out of the locker room naked and she feels bad for him. She winds up saving him from drowning at a pool party. Recently, Eddie is back on the market and ready to take on the ladies! Eddie likes to write letters to Sammi Curr, listen to the latest metal, and spends most of his time brooding underneath the stairwell of Lakeridge High School.


Sammi’s not afraid to go on a tirade and “stand up” to the government. The government has labelled rock music “rock pornography” and an investigation is underway. Sammi defends himself to the Senate: “What I am saying here is you cannot legislate morality or music or people’s minds or we’ll bring you down man…WE WILL BRING YOU DOWN!” Dee Snider would be proud!

Curr was banned from playing a concert at his old high school due to his onstage antics being deemed too obscene. You don’t see Jon Bon Jovi getting banned from his old high school. He could probably fuck a goat on stage while he’s singing This Ain’t a Love Song and he’d get a standing ov. I think public forgiveness is based on attractiveness. The public will forgive you if you are good looking. You can go murder your impregnated wife and women will still say “What a shame that he’s such a murdering bastard because he’s a good looking guy.” Yeah, so Scott Peterson was apparently a hunk but we totally outcast and ban Sammi Curr from going back to his high school for french kissing a snake, biting it in two, then drinking its blood on stage. I wouldn’t even deem that indecent, to me that’s endearing! Who doesn’t love themselves some sacrificial snake juice once in a while? C’mon, let’s be honest it’s nothing these overdeveloped high school kids haven’t seen before! F-YOU LAKERIDGE HIGH!

As Billy Joel said, “Only the Good Die Young.” As reported on Eyewitness News, Curr died at the young age of 38 years old in a hotel fire. The amount of hotels he probably trashed and girls he fucked probably eclipses that of any emo band or homosexual brother trio in existence combined…ever.

He will not think twice about holding one of his insane satanic yoga festivals right in your bedroom. Let me tell you, Sammi brings the f’n party! While he’s doing his deep breathing exercises he’ll make you do calisthenics all over the place. You’ll be so hot from the workout that you’ll feel like you’re on fire! The Sammi Curr Satanic Yoga Experience workout DVD is available at finer store’s everywhere such as A&S, Alexander’s, and Bradlees.


He looked badass on the cover of Hit Parader – Even though Hit Parader was derided by various members of the rock and metal community, it was still one of the higher profile metal mags on the shelves. At the time, I always preferred Metal Edge since it was an easier read, informative, and in touch with its audience.


He comes up with witty, lighthearted album names. Arguably the best album in Curr’s discography is playfully titled “Tortures Too Kind.”

Records secret backmasked messages on his records. Many bands have been accused of including backmasked subliminal messages in their recordings such as The Beatles, Zeppelin, Judas Priest, and Slayer, so Curr’s joined an exclusive club.


Scares mothers all over the country. I never minded my father listening to KISS with me, but my mother generally disliked hard rock music. Sammi Curr seems like Satan incarnate when you’re on a strict diet of Rod Stewart, Barbara Streisand, and Dion Demucci.


And he even enrages OZZY! Ozzy gets fired up as his paradoxical evangelist Rev. Aaron Gilstrom. Here’s some of his wisdom about weeding out heavy metal music: “This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert!” “What happened to the good old simple love song? ‘I love you’ that’s a good word to use…” “It’s just absolutely sick and bizarre and I’m going to do my utmost best to try and stop it now!”


He can murder people through the TV! Curr even eradicates the “prince of f’n darkness” Ozzy Osbourne with the flick of his wrist! This power is not limited to reaching into the TV, but he can pull them out as well. His superhuman strength allows him to hoist his victims high into the air.


Curr records cassettes that make girls get naked, masturbate, and get killed by a huge slimy demon. That must be some tape! Can I get a copy of that tape? Except for the last part of course! Forget about The Ring, audio casettes were committing murder years before VHS. The victim here was some Lori Loughlin wannabe.


Shoots lightning bolts from his guitar. The next day, Ace Frehley sued for trademark infringement. Naturally, Curr can also harness electricity and shoots it from his fingers as well. He’s in good company with fellow harnessers such as Emperor Palpatine and even Doc Brown who managed to figure out a method of harnessing 1.21 jig watts of electricity. An amazing feat. Oh, and just a warning…you may need to make a trip to Best Buy because he WILL ruin your stereo!


He’s the Jerry Rice of hard rock and heavy metal. Not only can Sammi rock out and shred a solo on his guitar, but he’s also the best wide receiver ever…of guitars that is! Curr can catch a hail Mary guitar pass without even looking!


His onstage spins and jumps rival David Lee Roth’s. Sammi can even do a freakin’ cartwheel while holding his microphone. I bet his prowess can be credited to the late Tony Fields who was a well known choreographer and Solid Gold dancer. I wonder if Sammi Curr is at peace with the fact that he once starred in A Chorus Line?

Legend has it that Sammi beat the shit out of Blackie Lawless to secure the role that was rightfully his, that of Sammi Curr. No one could play Sammi better than Sammi, except possibly Tony Fields!

In a development that rocked Eddie Weinbauer’s world, several months after his death it was revealed that Curr did not record any of the songs he is known for. Unfortunately, just like Milli Vanilli, he lypsynched all of his concerts. Curr’s persuasive manner (read: will shoot you with electricity) convinced Fastway to record songs that he would claim as his own without any monetary retribution. I can’t comment on the accusation that there were any kickbacks to NUKE, the radio DJ from WZLP, but if Gene $immon$ had anything to do with it, I’m sure he was generously compensated.

Sammi kills fuzzy, innocent bears! Douche!


The Sexy Armpit’s Guide To The Best KISS Songs You Should Download Part 2

Welcome back to The Sexy Armpit as we examine the BEST KISS songs from their entire discography. And now for Part 2:

One of the most thunderous Kiss albums is Love Gun. It blasts your speakers apart from the onset with “I Stole Your Love,” which is perhaps the most underrated Kiss song. Take an unfiltered listen and momentarily forget Gene’s Family Jewels, and the umpteen farewell tours. Just listen to it. LOUD! By the way, loud is the only way to listen to KISS, and this album is a prime example. Ace’s classic “Shock Me” is an awesome track although to me, it always seemed like it needed some Viagra or a red bull. It has a plodding beat and it never reaches the its full potential. Sorry Ace fans, you can praise it on YOUR blog! And here’s one from bizarro world, KISS covers “Then He Kissed Me” originally performed by The Crystals except they change it to “Then She Kissed Me.” Genius! lol. It’s definitely worth a listen. BEST TRACKS: I Stole Your Love, Got Love For Sale, Love Gun

KISS Alive II features more blistering live KISS tracks. Here you go Ace Frehley fans: BEST TRACK: Rocket Ride. As far as the Kiss solo albums go, I’m recommending that you go in with an open mind. So you’re not too disappointed, start out with Ace and Paul’s since those albums feature music more in tune with the KISS music you’re used to hearing. BEST TRACK OUT OF ALL THE SOLO ALBUMS: New York Groove

Disco Kiss? Most people would say YUCK! while others may vomit upon just hearing those words. DYNASTY actually has some outstanding KISS tracks. Disco or not you can’t deny a good song. BEST TRACKS: Magic Touch, Sure Know Something (sounds like you can use it when you make your amateur porno), I Was Made For Loving You

I’ll be honest, Unmasked is a tough listen unless you’re a hardcore KISS fan. They pretty much went into a complete pop direction and it didn’t work out too well. BEST TRACK: What Makes the World Go Round
Music From The Elder may possibly be the most panned, disappointing KISS album ever. The music on this album was supposed to coincide with a screenplay but it was never released. At one point there were failed talks of a Broadway musical as well. After the shift in musical styles that were featured on the last couple of KISS albums, they became even more experimental on The Elder. I give them credit for trying to stretch out creatively, but The Elder was pretty strange and it didn’t satiate KISS fans. Kiss was known for making pop oriented hard rock and The Elder only had one or two tracks that resembled that on this album. BEST TRACK: The Oath
Around this time a “Best of Kiss” compilation called KILLERS was released as an import and featured 4 new KISS songs but none of them are worth mentioning.
Aside from their debut album, CREATURES OF THE NIGHT perfectly captures what KISS is about. Not only does it evoke the style they created 8 years earlier, but it also introduces one of the hardest hitting drummers of all time, Eric Carr as well as new KISS guitarist and songwriter Vinnie Vincent. The addition of Eric brought so much life to KISS. They became more of the fire breathing band of yore and less of a cliche. Even their concerts got louder and more explosive thanks to Eric’s tank drum kit. The KISS army felt proud: “Don’t Fuck with KISS, cause we‘ll blow you away!” The entire Creatures album is the most accessible and hard rocking Kiss album that still holds up by today’s hard rock standards. Creatures is a serious album which lacks Paul Stanley cheesy rap solos and Gene’s constant sexual euphemisms. It’s a combo of great writing and Eric Carr’s thunderous drumming that solidifies this album as easily THE BEST KISS ALBUM OF ALL TIME.Try listening from start to finish and I promise you’ll truly get wrapped up in this album. I tend to play this album a lot in the fall for several reasons. Some of the songs have an ominous tone almost as if this should’ve been the soundtrack to a horror film. Also, the album was originally released in the fall and it rocks a spooky looking cover. C’mon, that title track almost begs zombies to escape from their graves. You can even listen to the album’s only ballad “I Still Love You,“ without feeling like a chick! BEST TRACKS: EVERY F’N ONE OF THEM!

After it’s release in ’82, Creatures was looked at as a failure for some God awful reason. Lick It Up ushered in the era of KISS without makeup. There’s a slew of awesome, straight up “glam metal” on this album. It maintains the optimum style of KISS just like Creatures did. As I mentioned Gene’s performance in “Parasite” in Part 1, you’ll notice some echoes of that song in the music and Gene’s voice on Young and Wasted. Rick Derringer even guest stars on Exciter! BEST TRACKS: Exciter, A Million To One, Lick It Up, Young and Wasted
You Wanted The Best and You Got The Best…Part 3 of The Sexy Armpit’s Guide to the Best Kiss Songs is coming tomorrow!

The Sexy Armpit’s Guide To The BEST KISS Songs You Should Download Part 1

Welcome to Part 1 of The Sexy Armpit’s Guide to the BEST KISS songs. While “best Kiss songs” is an oxymoron to some naysayers out there, it IS the premise of this article because Kiss is one of the most iconic and influential rock bands in history. Out of the “long and distinguished” KISS catalog of music, how were these songs chosen? Well, I’ve painstakingly hand picked tracks from each album that I think have withstood the test of time. Is there any personal bias involved? Yes of course. You would think Gene Simmons paid me off to write this entry, but actually, I had to pay him. I’m wiring him the royalties right now. When I finish handing over my bank account to The Demon, I will present you with the BEST KISS tracks in the most fair manner possible.

BUT JAY, there’s not enough Ace and Peter, what’s the deal yo? OK, let me get this out of the way right now: We all know Ace had the best solo album, so I won’t list any tracks from the solo albums here. And I enjoy Peter’s work especially Getaway, Hooligan, and various others. The fact that I’m not gushing about their “underrated” contributions to the KISS albums is just a personal preference. Believe it or not, there’s too many Gene/Paul songs that generally went unnoticed. Trust me…when you’re done amassing your new Kiss collection you’ll be pretending you’re Paul Stanley in front of your mirror pouting your lips and fluffing your hair. Step aside Starchild, it’s time for the countdown…

KISS’ self titled debut from 1974 captures the essence of the band the way they were originally intended. It’s sort of like the first installment of Nightmare on Elm Street, although it didn’t make nearly as much of an impact. 34 years later I can proudly say that you should buy, download, or borrow this album because it will seduce you into the world of KISS. When people hear the band for the first time they are often surprised at some of the melodies, sing along choruses, and hooks. The first album features a lot of that, but also some plain old grungy New York Rock and Roll. Some of the greatest KISS songs of all time are on this album. BEST TRACKS: Deuce, Strutter, Black Diamond

The same year KISS followed up their hard rocking debut with Hotter than Hell. If there was such a thing as “alternative” music in 1974 this album would be considered just that. The music on this album is dark and grungy while still keeping that rock star flair. If you know Gene Simmons from his Family Jewels reality show, you would barely recognize him from listening to him sing on Parasite. This guy sounds so guttural it’s like he’s a crooning werewolf. It’s awesome. Sure, maybe he doesn’t have the greatest “singing” voice, but he’s got a great ROCK voice. He makes you feel the music. Trust me, there are much worse singers out there. The truth is, his voice matches their type of music. It went well with their hard driving, sexual tunes. Paul’s voice went better with the fluffier, pop geared tracks. BEST TRACKS: Hotter Than Hell, Parasite, Got To Choose

1975’s Dressed to Kill features one of the most offbeat Kiss album covers. After seeing the band flaunt their out of this world costumes on the cover of Hotter Than Hell, here the band is dressed up in suits and standing on a street corner. Dressed to Kill presents Kiss in a much bigger light. It shows a bit of a departure as they seem to go for a trumped up rock star sound. Maybe the album doesn’t have the most thought provoking lyrics, but hey…it’s KISS: “She’s a dancer, a romancer, I’m a Capricorn and she’s a Cancer” need I say more? Personally I love the euphemistic language on “Room Service.” Paul Stanley even helped Anthrax cover “Love Her All I Can.” You also might try to dig up Sebastian Bach’s cover of “Rock Bottom.” BEST TRACKS: Ladies in Waiting, Rock and Roll All Nite (c’mon, it’s a classic!)

Even though KISS ALIVE! was the album that really put them over the top popularity wise, I’m going to skip it since there’s no new material on the album. Although it’s a must have if you’re a fan of live music.
Destroyer, (1976) showed that KISS could truly create fine pop oriented rock songs. There’s plenty of upbeat, hard driving music on this album which was produced by the late Bob Ezrin. ***(BOB EZRIN is not dead, he let me know that in the comments. Sorry Bob! I confused you with Bruce Fairbairn) With Destroyer, Kiss was solidified as larger than life superheroes. This album also introduced a couple of KISS concert mainstays. BEST TRACKS: Detroit Rock City, King of the Night Time World, God of Thunder, Beth
Also in 1976, Rock and Roll Over, contains the most genius lyric in any song ever created at the start of “Take Me.” We hear Paul Stanley commanding a girl (hopefully) “Put your hand in my pocket, grab onto my rocket.” If I could write stuff like that I wouldn’t be on blogger blogging…I’d be a gazillionaire rock star. BEST TRACKS: Calling Dr. Love, and Mr. Speed (which could easily be covered by Big and Rich or Toby Keith nowadays.)
Come back to The Sexy Armpit tomorrow for the next installment of our Guide to The Best Kiss Songs!