The Lone Ranger, Tonto, and Katy Perry Walk Into a Bar on Halloween 2010…

Lone Ranger and Katy Perry
The Lone Ranger (The Sexy Armpit) and Katy Perry (Miss Sexy Armpit)

I always need inspiration to dress up for Halloween. Playing a character makes me feel like a kid for a whole night, but I require some sort of revelation every year to generate my interest. It takes motivation to create a good costume so I need some sort of spark. If I don’t experience that I won’t be very enthusiastic and I refuse to settle for any old costume off a rack. Mind you, I don’t go crazy insane with my costumes like multiple time costume contest winner Rollie over at Beauty and the Robeast, but I always have fun with it. In the past 10 years or so I’ve gone with a rock star motif and dressed up as Billy Idol, Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, Gene Simmons (Dressed to Kill style), and Billie Joe from Green Day. Last year I began with a pop culture theme when I was Macho Man Randy Savage circa 1985 during his Intercontinental Championship reign and my girlfriend was Miss Elizabeth. This year, I channeled another childhood hero of mine, one who doesn’t carry Slim Jims, but silver bullets.

Lone Ranger and Tonto Costumes
Tonto (Nick, Armpit’s cousin) and The Lone Ranger

This year I was inspired by Dynamite Comics’ Lone Ranger series. Ever since my Dad introduced me to the Lone Ranger radio show as a kid, I’ve always loved the character. I grew up collecting the paltry amount of LR collectibles that existed and watching DVD’s of the TV series. I had a feeling that the edgier style of The Lone Ranger’s costume in the latest comic book series, would translate well to a Halloween costume. It felt cool to be a classic character with a modern upgrade. Plus, I didn’t think there would be tons of dudes clamoring for a Lone Ranger costume, not as much as say…The Situation’s fake ab pad.
I began the project early in September and noticed that it would be more of a challenge than I thought. All the pre-made Lone Ranger costumes available online were super cheesy. The shiny blue shirt included was made of rayon and is a few letters short of saying “Hi My Name is The Lone Ranger,” on a name tag on the left side. It came with a terribly cheap and disheveled looking cowboy hat, but that wasn’t all! On the back of the shirt there was a full back graphic of The Lone Ranger riding Silver branded with The Lone Ranger logo. I honestly don’t think The Lone Ranger is so self absorbed that he would wear a shirt with a huge graphic of himself on the back of it, let alone one made of cheap polyester. Obviously, I stayed far away from this $40 dollar piece of crap and put it together on my own.

The Sexy Armpit's Lone Ranger Costume

Finding a reasonable cowboy hat required some digging. Some cowboy hats that claim to be replicas of the one that Clayton Moore used in The Lone Ranger TV series go for upwards of $400 bucks! Screw that! I got mine for less than $40 bucks from an online costume shop and it looked damn good. It was a little tall on top, but it did the job. Don’t be fooled by cheap $5 dollar “cowboy” hats like this one, they suck, so don’t waste your money.
One modernization that you’ll see in the pages of the Dynamite Comics is that The Lone Ranger no longer wears blue pants to match his shirt, but leather pants depending on who does the art/ink in the book. The black leather pants I used when I dressed up as Nikki Sixx years ago came in handy for this. I then found a bandit mask, and a gun holster with a belt on a costume website, two silver toy guns with off white handles, a red bandanna, and bullet belts all on Amazon. The boots are actually motorcycle boots, but look very similar to the ones LR wears in a few of the comic books. I purchased them from Leather Up.
Most importantly was my shirt. I was very particular about this because I refused to walk around in a shirt that did not look similar to how it looked in the comic I was basing it off of. After several days of searching, I finally found Delilah’s Keepe, a website who customized a Lone Ranger style shirt for me! They were great to deal with and the shirt looked absolutely perfect, so keep them in mind if you ever need a shirt for a costume:

Katy Perry Halloween Costume
Winning The Sexy Armpit’s Halloween Costume Contest this year by a mile was Miss Sexy Armpit who probably put more time and effort into her costume than I did since she had to make the entire thing herself! She made the candy button dress and bracelets, cut and styled the wig, and found comparable shoes. I also took a screen shot of Katy Perry’s makeup from the exact moment in the “California Gurls” video that she wears this getup. From there she took the picture with her to get her makeup done. The “Jersey Gurl” was carrying around an Elmo doll all night which everyone got a big kick out of as well.
All the costumes were worth the effort when seeing how awesome they looked and I’m already devising plans for next year! I can’t wait!

A Memoir by The Green Hornet

To whom it may concern:

I never asked for much. I never wanted to be number one, I never asked them for anything. I didn’t have any “wonderful toys”, or crazy bionic-geo-thermal-night-gear-infrared suits. It was a hat and an overcoat, and I even got a little mask to cover part of my face. I got a neat car, no, not the Hornet-mobile, the Black Beauty. Yes, the name sounds like a horse, and it’s considered a “clunker” by today’s standards. It didn’t even talk, or cocoon itself.
Sure my sidekick Kato just happened to be Asian. I have nothing against Asians, but just because of his nationality he thought he was some martial arts “expert”. He was always trying to show off, making me look like a total incompetent tool. You might know Kato from “The Kato Show” oh no, wait…that’s what my show “The Green Hornet” was called in Hong Kong. Villains? Rogues Gallery? No such thing. It was about as exciting as a bank tellers banquet. No one with face paint, split personalities, serum injecting psychos, and especially no crazy reptiles. No, there was no Hornet-signal to light up the night sky, but I owned a newspaper, The Daily Sentinel. Excitement personified.
My great grand uncle was the Lone Ranger. Do you know how hard it was living in his shadow? The man carried silver bullets! He was a legend and they made him hang out with an angry Native American. Wow, aren’t we a stereotypical bunch! Tonto must’ve been some prick though, always poking fun at L.R calling him “Kimosabe”. I’da belted him one. That wasn’t too long before Wayne Enterprises bought the Daily Sentinel and re-named it the Gotham Globe. Publishers revolted: “Britt Reid’s not cool enough to own a newspaper.” (direct quote)
Apparently I wasn’t cool enough for DC comics, who wouldn’t even touch me with one of Penguin’s umbrellas. Marvel said let’s tell Stan about him and see what he could do with him. The next month SPIDER MAN debuted in the comics, that’s how effed up Stan is. I finally signed with now-defunct NOW comics, the publishers of the ever popular Ralph Snart, Married with Children, and Robocop titles. (among other quality books)
What about show biz? Hollywood you ask? Well, when my glory days of radio were over, my TV show wasn’t fun and exciting enough so they teamed us up with Batman and Robin. Those caped clowns were gayer-than-gay in their leotards. I was so much more of a bad-ass. You’ll notice in that episode I was such a hardcore outcast compared to the others. I got no respect. They were in talks to make a movie starring GREG KINNEAR playing myself, but it never got off the ground. Not enough “Flash and Balls” they said. I said, Eff ’em. I don’t need them. But the franchise and merchandising rights alone would’ve made me rich beyond my wildest dreams.

God knows I haven’t been in a film since they re-created a scene from the TV show for “Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story”. As of now the Green Hornet film is in limbo and the licenses and options belong to Miramax. Last I heard Seth Rogen was writing a script about me. I’ll remember him in my will since by the time he finishes the damn thing I’ll be dead. Chances are if Seth Rogen writes the script, the movie will be about how some old time pothead radio announcer, who couldn’t pronounce his “R” sound, began calling me Bwitt Weed instead of Britt Reid. One of my tag lines that shows up in the teaser trailer will probably be “They don’t call me the GREEN Hornet for nothing” as I exhale a cloud of green smoke which also doubles as a sleeping gas that I use to fight criminals. Maybe I should just write the damn thing? (sswswswswsw whispers…..WAIT WHAT? They want Seth Rogen to play ME?”) What a joke. Why don’t they just kill me on the spot and cast Jonah Hill? Whatever, f-ck it. They won’t listen to any of MY thoughts on who should play me! After all…who knows me better than me??? TED “JEFFERSON” MCGINLEY BITCHES! If we’re going to make this funny then we may as well go for the gold here.

Oh and for those who’ve been pretending to care about what I’ve been doing lately then here it goes: For the last six months I’ve been living with Big Aunt Bertha. The sad part is she’s not even my aunt. I’m not even related to her. She’s a prostitute. I couldn’t pay her, so she’s forced me to stay here with her. She’s smelly and enormous. I hate rubbing her feet. I’ve learned to try and enjoy giving her oral pleasure, and some of the other God awful things she makes me do. It wouldn’t be that bad if she didn’t have a DING-DONG down there. I do get a meal every two weeks. It’s not anything exquisite, but then again, I’m living in a rat infested shack with an enormous prostitute. I cannot keep writing, because Bertha is behind me.

But I’ll leave you with this: I wasn’t a flying squirrel, not even a cool bird or serpent, I was a bug, just a fly on the wall. But I wasn’t just a fly, I was a HORNET! A Hornet who couldn’t fly. A Hornet who’s writing this wearing the old Hornet mask and green lingerie, bent over getting “Bertha-fied”, with a gun in his mouth.
BERTHA: “Ohh my Britt…You are onnee horrrnny Hornet!”
I’ll try…to…keep one shred of …de…decency… if I could just reach my Hornet sting…
Ahh, Thank goodness you’re here, get this Fat Piece of Shit off my ass!