Want a Savior But Don’t Need a Fake? Elect Alice Cooper!

This just in from the Sexy Armpit News Desk:

The U.S Treasury is presently in discussions to officially remove George Washington from the dollar bill and replace him with the macabre rocker Alice Cooper. The country nervoulsy anticipates the outcome of such a monumental decision. When contacted for a comment Cooper just started yelling “I want to be elected.” Coming to you live from Washington D.C, I’m Jay Amabile for The Sexy Armpit.com

Here you can sign the petition that will hopefully get Alice Cooper elected president which will hopefully lead to him getting his face on the one dollar bill. Let’s take a look at his resume and see why he’s more qualified than both of our candidates in this presidential election:

As it turns out, much like Wayne and Garth, we’re not worthy! Not only has Alice partied with the Muppets, Jason Voorhees, and Slash but he’s also got himself a mean golf swing. I’m sure he’s trying to forget his moment accompanying Jake “The Snake” Roberts to the ring at Wrestlemania 3 so we won’t make him re-live that one.


Before we get to the videos, I actually caught this Alice Cooper One Dollar Bill at his Brutal Planet concert 9 years ago today. Alice kicked off Fright Fest at Six Flags Great Adventure on October 1st 1999. It wasn’t the only time I saw Alice but seeing his show on a cool, eerie October night in the middle of an amusement park didn’t get much better! I caught the dollar bill and Ryan Roxie’s guitar pick; could the night get any more memorable? Just after that thought ran through my head I saw Alice come over to us (we were in the front) pointing his cane at my then girlfriend as he sang to her “…You’re Poison runnin’ through my veins!” I chuckled to myself as if he knew my pain! Thanks for relating Alice! Now onto the videos!