Battle Damage He-Man T-Shirt Winner!

The rules of the He-Man T-Shirt contest:
1) If you were He-Man, what Eternian/Etherian girl would you want to bang and why? ***This can include anyone from Queen Marlena (but your my mo—) to Frosta

2) What would you (as He-Man) for your first date with her? I love being Chuck Woolery, he’s an idol of mine.

Obviously I’m not eligible to enter my own contest, but if I was, it would definitely be a toss up between Glimmer and Frosta. I’m good either way. Glimmer’s deceiving because she’s a goody two shoes on the outside but she’s a hardcore party girl so don’t let her fool you. At least Frosta is blatant about her sexual attraction to He-Man. I think if I had a date with Frosta we might go to a nice little dinner at The Melting Pot just to be ironic. From then on it’s over the top perversion, so I won’t even go into detail. See, I almost had you! You thought I was going to settle for just Frosta? Silly you! If you can recall just a few sentences back I described how Glimmer was a real party whore, so she’s obviously going to be down for an “etherian ethreeway” as it’s known in those parts. All while you’re trying to tag two Etherian dames, you need to keep your eyes peeled because somewhere around your bedroom Loo-kee is hiding and you have to find that cagey, multicolored motherfucker.

Even though I only received 3 “official” entries it was difficult choosing a winner. By official I mean your entry isn’t eligible if you tell me your answer when I run into you while I’m at the grocery store picking up milk. The winning of He-Man T-Shirts is serious business! I came to my final decision today and I thank the 3 people who participated. I feel honored that my Sexy Armpit T-Shirt giveaway during Halloween was a runaway success compared to this one. I really thought more people would be clamoring for an obscure He-Man Tee, but who knows…the winner may just have this baby up on eBay as soon as they receive it! And now let’s take a look at the entries:

Laura from New Jersey wrote:

Since I’ll assume that I’m probably one of the only girls who entered this contest, I decided to take a few liberties. Sure I could pick any of the “hot” ladies in the world of MOTU but to the chagrin of many guys out there reading this, I’m just not into chicks. So, while I’d like to say that Catra is a dirty little minx and I want her paws all over me, that’s sadly not the case. I’m sorry.

I’m going to change the rules a bit since Jay didn’t think that a girl would want to enter. With that said, any guy reading my entry will automatically think I’d pick He-Man or Bow to go out on a date with but that’s surprisingly not the case at all.

My answer would be Orko. Just thinking of him working his magic on me gets me HOT! Even though his spells usually turn out disastrous I definitely give him credit for trying so hard. Not too many guys out there give such an incredible effort like Orko. Sometimes, it’s more charming when a girl sees a guy really trying and being creative rather than a jerk who acts like he’s God’s gift and everything he does in bed is perfect. OK, ok, the real reason why I chose Orko? He had THE BIG “O” on his chest!

Eric “Bubba Shelby” from California wrote:

Here are my answers (as He-Man of course!)

1) Madame Razz. I watch “Desperate Housewives,” I have every Teen Beat magazine issue
that features Ashton Kutcher, and my favorite film this summer was “Sex and The City,” so I know all about the Cougars! Rowr!

2) Obviously it would all begin when I held aloft my magic sword and said “I have the Poweeeeeeerrrrrr!!!!” I would then point my throbbing power sword at the quivering pussy and ZAP – That pussy will ROAR! After that I’ll strike a quick manly pose, glance from side to side, and run away.

Donovan Jacob S. from Gloucestershire, England:
I chose Zilora:


1) Zilora…isn’t it obvious? She’s got hypnotic spiral breast coverings!

2) I would lure her to Zodac’s sex dungeon: Zodac’s Pleasure Shack, where Fisto would be waiting to perform his “trademark specialty” and Modulok would be ready with his “Mod-u-cock.” I’d take pictures and make a special ViewMaster disc to commemorate the event…

It was a close call between Eric and Donovan. Thinking of Madam Razz as a cougar is pretty damn funny but I ultimately had to go with Donovan’s genius creation of Zodac’s Pleasure Shack and the Fisto mention (he’s one of my favorites). How awesome would it be if we had cameras that took pictures directly to a Viewmaster reel? That would kick ass! Congratulations Donovan, you are a visionary and the winner of the He-Man Battle Damage T-Shirt! I had no idea The Sexy Armpit was being read in England! Unfortunately, the only parting gift I have for the contestants is a sincere THANK YOU to Eric and Laura for entering! I know…that’s a pretty lame parting gift, but it’s pretty low budget here at the Armpit.

Kicking Ass with Vintage Glass

After reading some random posts here at The Sexy Armpit, my boss grew concerned about my mental health. I informed him that I was absolutely fine and in my right mind. I assured him that my often inane compositions were no indication of my prowess as his employee. “Don’t worry, ALL guys in their late 20’s are obsessed with Lori Loughlin, Janine Melnitz, and Clamp Champ.” He didn’t buy my testimony.

The next day a copy of the latest issue of Men’s Health magazine was on my desk when I got to work. My bosses little secret mission to cure my crazy failed! It only got me more fired up! My rage blew steam out of my ears as I thumbed over to an article under the column “MALEGRAMS: GUY LIST 18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have.” Here’s a list with only one entry…One thing a men’s magazine should never do: INSULT THEIR AUDIENCE. I guess they overlooked the fact that a huge percentage of their readership comes from the behemothic amount of males in this country who collect vintage glasses. F–K YOU MEN’S HEALTH! THE SEXY ARMPIT SAYS SUCK IT!
Hamburglar glasses have made millions of mouths happy, including mine. Think back to when you were a kid and you were at your friend’s house and you got to choose which glass you wanted to drink your Kool-Aid out of, He-Man or Return of the Jedi. Tough choice, but those were the types of decisions I took pride in making as a child. That was alot more fun than home improvements, car repairs, doctors appointments, etc. My collection of vintage glasses and mugs include everything from Super Heroes to The Flintstones and ALL of them bring back memories for me. Do you have a favorite glass or mug? Do you think just because you’re older you need to part with it? Is a glass like a woobie? Should Men’s Health be deciding what kind of crap we keep on our bedroom shelves?


This just in… The Eternian Royal Guard has just released new information about another so-called “Master of the Universe” who has come under police scrutiny at the moment. Known previously to the masses as simply Clamp Champ, this dangerous sex offender has been a wanted criminal for 20 years. As if it needs to be said, his calling card is his superior clamping abilities. Through public Eternian documents it’s been discovered that Clamp Champ dropped his first name which was originally “nipple.” Nipple Clamp Champ, as he was known, was regularly found in the seedy sex clubs of Eternia.

His perverse habits of clamping onto Eternian women’s nipples and not letting go gave him a reputation for being quite the ladies man. Here’s where the story goes south. Nipple went off the deep end and began to clamp onto women’s buttcheeks, and even whole entire breasts. His death grip would leave nasty indentations on the women’s private areas which made them extremely perturbed. This landed him in hot water with the Eternian Royal guard. In 1986, they red flagged Nipple and put out an APB for him and since then he’s been wanted by the government. A recent investigation claims Clamp Champ makes replicas of his mechanical clamper and sells them on fetish websites. If you are compelled to buy a nipple clamping mechanism for whatever reason, please think twice as you may be buying from an unsavory fellow.

WARNING: Clamp Champ has also been known as “Nip the clamper”, “Reginald”, and “Silly Bitch.”
WARNING: If he does come in contact with you, he WILL attempt to clamp onto your nipples or put a deathlock on your buttocks with his clamper. If you see this man of hear of his whereabouts please contact your local police.