WIN Tickets for Barnstorming The Bowery in NYC!

Barnstorming the Bowery is not just a concert, it’s really more of a music festival taking place on August 21st and it’s sure to be equally as entertaining as the name sounds. This jam packed night of music spawned from an innovative idea pulling together 7 local bands to make up one mammoth night in downtown New York City! On deck for this rock and roll party: The Dirty Pearls, Ten Ton Mojo, Mother, Killcode, J and the 9s, The Liza Colby Sound, and The Threads!

*What makes this show different? A lottery will take place throughout the night to determine the lineup of bands taking the stage! That’s some exciting shit right there! Who’s on first? I’m on the edge of my seat already! This approach adds an element of intrigue that you won’t get at any other concert!

This summer, why waste your time taking your significant other to the boardwalk to play a silly wheel game just to win a giant box of gum that’ll just lose its flavor in under a minute? Take your shot at winning tickets to Barnstorming the Bowery – right here…NOW!

WIN 2 tickets to see this massive merger of bands right here from The Sexy Armpit!

Contest Rules: 

All you have to do is correctly match each band to their song! It’s that simple. Send your answers to and include your full name and the subject BOWERY. All correct answers will be pooled and a winner will be chosen at random. Winner will be notified by e-mail. Contest ends on 8/1 so get those answers in!

For more info and to purchase tickets head over to Ticketmaster:

August 21, 2014
Doors open at 7PM, show starts at 8PM
The Bowery Ballroom
6 Delancy St.
New York, NY


We’ve got a bit of a dilemma. It’s not a bad one, in fact it’s a pretty rock and roll sort of dilemma. Our friends, the New York City rockers The Dirty Pearls, called Sludgey and I backstage to help them sort this all out for them. What’s the problem? Well, their awesome fans have sent them 5 wrapped gifts for the holidays, but we don’t know what band member gets which gift because they aren’t labeled! Luckily, I used my x-ray sunglasses to see what’s inside the boxes, now all I need you to do is help me figure out what member of the band gets each gift!

The Dirty Pearls and The Sexy Armpit present…
the Whose Gift Is Going To Who? Contest
On Saturday 12/21/13 the winner will be heading to IRVING PLAZA in New York City to see The Dirty Pearls with special guest Brian Newman and featuring Marco With Love, Ten Ton Mojo, The Bone Chimes, Breedlove, and DJ Ian Eldorado.

All you have to do is match up The Dirty Pearls band member with the gift they would want and send your answers to with the subject DP GIFT by 12/10/13:

For example if you think Tommy wants a new Guns and Roses album then type 
1. E and if Sunny wants a box of condoms then write 4. D, you get the picture.

CONTEST ENDS ON 12/10/13 !

Don’t forget to match ALL 5 of the band members!

The WINNER of Our Halloween Giveaway Is…


Alex D. from MA is our winner! Congratulations on taking home our 2013 Halloween Giveaway Haul! We compiled all of the entries from our Facebook page (a record amount of entries!) and used to choose the number of our winner. Thank you to everyone who entered! There will be another giveaway coming up in November! Come back again soon! Happy Halloween!

Win Tickets To See The Dirty Pearls on the CBGB Festival July 5th!

Continue your 4th of July celebration the next night as the CBGB Festival Presents THE DIRTY PEARLS at The Highline Ballroom in New York City. The show will also feature Bebe Buell, The Killing Floor, The Noise, Ingrid and The Defectors, and Lightsout.  It’s all happening on Thursday July 5th 2012 and we have your chance to win tickets to be there! 

All you need to do is e-mail your answers to with the subject PEARLS

Which of the following bands played at CBGB’s?
1) Big Time Rush
2) Blondie
3) The Wiggles
4) The Misfits

Answer the question correctly and a winner will be chosen at random to win tickets to the show! Remember, if you don’t have The Dirty Pearls debut album Whether You Like It or Not – get it now on their official website:

If you’re buying tickets, go here:

Shamrock Shakedown Giveaway!


2 FREE Shamrock Shake cards that have been provided by McDonald’s will go out to 2 Random winners!
subject: SHAMROCK
If you are chosen we will reach out to you for your mailing address

Many folks in New Jersey are pissed off that the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Hoboken is cancelled this year. Things usually get pretty out of hand so the city is taking a break from it. I don’t get involved in parades because they bore the shit out of me. Drinking tons of beer is of course fun, but not with thousands of other drunken boozers roaming the streets and getting behind the wheel. Aside from eating a bowl of me Lucky Charms, I have other plans this St.Patrick’s Day.

I don’t really participate in the yearly resurgence of corned beef and cabbage, but I need MINT in my life constantly. Usually the one time of year that everything becomes MINT is in March because St. Patrick’s Day turns everything green and green often means MINT! There’s no better mint offering than mint ice cream! And since I’m obsessed with using straws, The Shamrock Shake is like a magic pot of gold for me.

In addition to consistently bringing back the McRib, McDonald’s has been keeping it real with their classic Shamrock Shake as well. The best part: they are now available nationwide, not just in select mystery locations. Just as I write this, as the Irish say, I’m really gummin’ for a Shamrock Shake. The only thing that would make the shake experience even better is if McD’s was offering this green delicacy in  Uncle O’Grimacey collector cups! Now, REMEMBER, you only have until MARCH 25th before the Shamrock Shakes disappear, so get your arses to McD’s to enjoy one!

The Dirty Pearls Scavenger Hunt


Fans of NYC rockers The Dirty Pearls have the chance to win tickets to see their next live show on 12/9 at The Gramercy Theater! Watch the video above for “Who’s Coming Back To Who?” (look for the Where’s Waldo style cameos by The Sexy Armpit) which will help you answer the questions below. Only the real fans of The Dirty Pearls will be able to get the answers to these! Winner will be chosen on 11/16.

E-mail your answers to

1. What exact time does lead actor Jasin Cadic meet and shake hands with Kelle Calco?
2. How many bottles are on the coffee table?
3. What color is the phone that Breedlove is on?
4. Which shoulder does Tommy London have his dead Elvis tattoo on?
5. How many times does lead actor Jasin Cadic tap Jeanine Moss on her shoulder to get her attention?
6. What exact time does Brian Newman put out his cigarette?
7. Who ended up coming back to who?

Who’s Going To The Dirty Pearls Video Premiere Party?


After receiving a record amount of entries for any contest ever held here at The Sexy Armpit, one lucky winner will be receiving tickets to see The Dirty Pearls video premiere party at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC! The winning entry was determined by its creative merit, and if it offered that extra oddball flavor that appeals to The Sexy Armpit so much. If you did not win, that doesn’t mean that your entry wasn’t a good one, it just means that the winner went above and beyond to create an extremely insane and dirty entry. The winning entry was coherent and was based on real life events as well.
Her entry managed to incorporate Jizzy Pearl, RATT, Faster Pussycat, Six Flags Great Adventure, a couple of lewd sexual situations, and a big stuffed zebra. Although I can’t reprint the whole entry here, it was highly amusing and deserving of the WIN! We’ll see you at the show Brittany! And thanks to all of the participants!
– The Dirty Pearls Performing Live and premiering 2 brand new music videos!
– Also Stark Killer, Panize, and Sweet Fix in concert
– Hosted by Penthouse Pet Justine Joli
– Other Special Guests

TICKET GIVEAWAY: Get Dirty with The Dirty Pearls!


There’s been many famous PEARLS throughout history, but how many of them would you actually want to get DIRTY with? Starting today right here at The Sexy Armpit we have your chance to score two tickets to experience The Dirty Pearls live in concert at their huge “Who’s Coming Back to Who” Video Premiere Party at the Bowery Ballroom on JUNE 30th, also featuring the finest rock bands NYC has to offer Star Killer, Panzie, and Sweet Fix. You’ll not only see all these bands rock out, but you’ll also witness special guests AND the premiere of The Dirty Pearls epic video for their latest single “Who’s Coming Back To Who?”

Below is a list of famous Pearls throughout history. All you need to do is choose who you would like to get down and dirty with and email us a sentence stating why you chose that person. Example: “I’d like to get DIRTY with Jizzy Pearl because I wanted to f*ck him when I was 12″ or if you don’t swing that way then, “I’d like to get Dirty with Pearl S. Buck because her last name rhymes with —-” You catch my drift. The funniest or most creative answer wins! Feel free to come up with your own. HAVE FUN!
Here are your options:
1. Minnie Pearl – Country comedienne known for always wearing a hat with a price tag hanging from it and starring in the TV show Hee Haw. Her pickup line to a young “feller” was “How-w-w-DEE-E-E-E.”
2. Jizzy Pearl – Rock Singer best known as the front man of Love/Hate, and formerly of RATT, L.A Guns, and Adler’s Appetite. Pretty sure his nickname says it all.
3. Pearl S. Buck – Pulitzer Prize winning author of the sleep inducing The Good Earth. The First women to win the Nobel Prize in Literature. If “descriptions of peasant life in China” turn you on, then Pearl S. Buck will blow your mind.
4. Earl “The Pearl” Monroe – A true basketball pioneer, Monroe is a Hall of Fame Point Guard who played for the New York Knicks and the Baltimore Bullets. He was great at handling balls if that helps sway your decision in any way.
5. Pearl Gallagher – The 3rd maid on Diff’rent Strokes played by Mary Jo Catlett. Pearl was sort of like a mix of Mrs. Garrett and Julia Child. After the crushing departures of Edna and Adelaide, Pearl sure knew how to fill the void if you know what I mean.


Battle Damage He-Man T-Shirt Winner!

The rules of the He-Man T-Shirt contest:
1) If you were He-Man, what Eternian/Etherian girl would you want to bang and why? ***This can include anyone from Queen Marlena (but your my mo—) to Frosta

2) What would you (as He-Man) for your first date with her? I love being Chuck Woolery, he’s an idol of mine.

Obviously I’m not eligible to enter my own contest, but if I was, it would definitely be a toss up between Glimmer and Frosta. I’m good either way. Glimmer’s deceiving because she’s a goody two shoes on the outside but she’s a hardcore party girl so don’t let her fool you. At least Frosta is blatant about her sexual attraction to He-Man. I think if I had a date with Frosta we might go to a nice little dinner at The Melting Pot just to be ironic. From then on it’s over the top perversion, so I won’t even go into detail. See, I almost had you! You thought I was going to settle for just Frosta? Silly you! If you can recall just a few sentences back I described how Glimmer was a real party whore, so she’s obviously going to be down for an “etherian ethreeway” as it’s known in those parts. All while you’re trying to tag two Etherian dames, you need to keep your eyes peeled because somewhere around your bedroom Loo-kee is hiding and you have to find that cagey, multicolored motherfucker.

Even though I only received 3 “official” entries it was difficult choosing a winner. By official I mean your entry isn’t eligible if you tell me your answer when I run into you while I’m at the grocery store picking up milk. The winning of He-Man T-Shirts is serious business! I came to my final decision today and I thank the 3 people who participated. I feel honored that my Sexy Armpit T-Shirt giveaway during Halloween was a runaway success compared to this one. I really thought more people would be clamoring for an obscure He-Man Tee, but who knows…the winner may just have this baby up on eBay as soon as they receive it! And now let’s take a look at the entries:

Laura from New Jersey wrote:

Since I’ll assume that I’m probably one of the only girls who entered this contest, I decided to take a few liberties. Sure I could pick any of the “hot” ladies in the world of MOTU but to the chagrin of many guys out there reading this, I’m just not into chicks. So, while I’d like to say that Catra is a dirty little minx and I want her paws all over me, that’s sadly not the case. I’m sorry.

I’m going to change the rules a bit since Jay didn’t think that a girl would want to enter. With that said, any guy reading my entry will automatically think I’d pick He-Man or Bow to go out on a date with but that’s surprisingly not the case at all.

My answer would be Orko. Just thinking of him working his magic on me gets me HOT! Even though his spells usually turn out disastrous I definitely give him credit for trying so hard. Not too many guys out there give such an incredible effort like Orko. Sometimes, it’s more charming when a girl sees a guy really trying and being creative rather than a jerk who acts like he’s God’s gift and everything he does in bed is perfect. OK, ok, the real reason why I chose Orko? He had THE BIG “O” on his chest!

Eric “Bubba Shelby” from California wrote:

Here are my answers (as He-Man of course!)

1) Madame Razz. I watch “Desperate Housewives,” I have every Teen Beat magazine issue
that features Ashton Kutcher, and my favorite film this summer was “Sex and The City,” so I know all about the Cougars! Rowr!

2) Obviously it would all begin when I held aloft my magic sword and said “I have the Poweeeeeeerrrrrr!!!!” I would then point my throbbing power sword at the quivering pussy and ZAP – That pussy will ROAR! After that I’ll strike a quick manly pose, glance from side to side, and run away.

Donovan Jacob S. from Gloucestershire, England:
I chose Zilora:


1) Zilora…isn’t it obvious? She’s got hypnotic spiral breast coverings!

2) I would lure her to Zodac’s sex dungeon: Zodac’s Pleasure Shack, where Fisto would be waiting to perform his “trademark specialty” and Modulok would be ready with his “Mod-u-cock.” I’d take pictures and make a special ViewMaster disc to commemorate the event…

It was a close call between Eric and Donovan. Thinking of Madam Razz as a cougar is pretty damn funny but I ultimately had to go with Donovan’s genius creation of Zodac’s Pleasure Shack and the Fisto mention (he’s one of my favorites). How awesome would it be if we had cameras that took pictures directly to a Viewmaster reel? That would kick ass! Congratulations Donovan, you are a visionary and the winner of the He-Man Battle Damage T-Shirt! I had no idea The Sexy Armpit was being read in England! Unfortunately, the only parting gift I have for the contestants is a sincere THANK YOU to Eric and Laura for entering! I know…that’s a pretty lame parting gift, but it’s pretty low budget here at the Armpit.

“Name The Sexy Armpit Girl” Contest Winner!


A big THANK YOU to everyone who entered the contest and came up with such great names! I was excited to see how many responses I received. it was difficult, but after a painstaking elimination process I’ve chosen a winner! Even though I’ve chosen a name, (thanks Corinne!) I will be keeping the names on hand for possible use in other aspects of the site. I’ll announce the name of The Sexy Armpit girl in an upcoming post!

I find it funny that the He-Man T-Shirt contest hasn’t been anywhere near as successful as the Monstrous Halloween Prize pack giveaway was. It just goes to show, people would rather wear a shirt with an image of an unnamed hot chick leaning on a slimy N.J Turnpike sign than a Battle Armor He-Man Ringer T-Shirt. I suppose the action figure it’s inspired by has a real niche fan base. What am I saying? I nearly exploded with amazement when I saw that such an awesome shirt existed! That contest will be over at the end of the month if you’d still like to enter.

I can’t say I have any parting gifts to be announced by Johnny Gilbert or anything, but all of the names and ideas were very creative and made me laugh. If I had enough resources (money) you’d all get prize packs and then I can also save my house from being foreclosed on and having Troy’s father build a golf course over it. Trash the Goondocks.

Here’s some of the best entries:

Pitricia submitted by Richard

Obnoxia Grimm or get different chicks and number them after their TPK exits – submitted by Sal

Pike-slut Penny, The Jersey Swirl, Waxed Winona, Road Rash Roxy, Barbie Beefeater, Sin Sational, Janet “Slow Hand ” Jones, Siena Swallows, Sexy’s Squeeze, Connie Lingus, TeaBag Terry, Lolly Gagger – submitted by John from N.J

Felony Turnpike, Camden Bristol, or just…Jersey – submitted by Joe Sherlock aka Dr. Squid

Josey T. Urnpike submitted by Ace Johnson

There were several more but these were some of the most memorable. Based on creativity, number of ideas, and sheer determination of the contestant, the Monstrous Prize Pack goes to…

John from N.J! Congratulations! Thanks for being a part of The Sexy Armpit!