farts Archives - Sludge Central

As far as trips to the bathroom go, if you are the in and out type you probably don’t have time to do any extensive reading while on the can. And if that’s the case, you are definitely not aware of the cutthroat business of publishing Bathroom Readers. A bathroom reader is a book which is often made up of random facts and information that provides a temporary diversion to help you relax while you’re on the john. There’s many to choose from, but one of my great Christmas gifts this year was a bathroom reader printed in New Jersey: The Bathroom Trivia Digest: Fascinating Facts for People on the Go by Russ Edwards and Jack Kriesmer. If you’re unloading for less than a few minutes, let’s face it, that’s probably not enough time to memorize the periodic table of elements or the Magna Carta, but just like that little penny holder at the checkout counter, you can take a few nuggets while you leave a few nuggets.

While there may be plenty of other things one can do to help evacuate his or her bowels, such as push, moan, groan, meditate, or pray for a miracle, a bathroom reader is most effective for the type of person who would be easily amused by reading that “Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.” That info may not seem too pertinent to you, but I’m sure it weighs heavily on the minds of people from Kentucky. And, in case you are ever take a DeLorean back to old timey days, “In New York it is illegal to shoot at a rabbit from a moving trolley car,” I hear the fines for that one are astronomical! While all these tidbits are titillating, no book printed in Saddle River, NJ and intended to be read while dumping is worth a damn unless it has at least a few mentions of our own beloved dump, The Garden State.

Now that I’m apparently splitting my time between New Jersey and Las Vegas, I figured you wouldn’t miss me too much if I went to Vegas again. In anticipation of my next trip out there this weekend, I post for your investigation 2 photos that I snapped that I can’t seem to figure out.

Hanging from the ceiling of the restaurant America, in New York, New York in Las Vegas (who coincidentally had an awesome veggie burger with fresh avocado strips on it) was a model of the entire United States. Each state had a miniature trademark, for instance, Pennsylvania featured the Liberty Bell, New York City had skyscrapers, and upstate New York had apples.

What perplexed me for the entire trip was the enigmatic objects that were jammed into New Jersey.

Dammit, Jersey gets so much flack all the time and now I discover THIS! Why is everyone always shitting all over New Jersey?

What in the hell is that shit on NJ? Obviously anyone in their right mind can see that there’s a slot machine there to signify Atlantic City, but what about the other crap? Up north there’s some sort of Leaning Tower of Pisa. I haven’t the slightest clue what it’s supposed to be. Down in south Jersey, what I can see with the best of my ability is some weird looking roasted red pepper. There’s no chance that’s what it is, but I’ll be damned if someone tries to convince me it’s The Jersey Devil or something. If that’s what it’s supposed to be it’s the shittiest likeness of The Jersey Devil in the history of ceiling hung models of the U.S. Where the fuck is the Franklin Mint when you need them? Damn their veggie burgers are kickass but their version of New Jersey is all out of whack. Sure New York, New York gets it’s own state right but they f–k New Jersey up royally. Why don’t they give up this stupid grudge already?

I couldn’t resist adding this picture I took of the exterior of some cheesy stores on the Vegas strip. Notice the airbrushed t-shirts on the left.

The first shirt is classic: I Love to Fart a.k.a I Heart to Fart! Oh man, this is the best valentine’s day gift for a person who loves to fart. I’m pretty sure there’s others in the high fashion line such as “I love to take toxic dumps” and I Love “I Heart” Shirts. Watch out because Mark Ecko and Ed Hardy will be releasing their own versions of these pretty soon. Get these originals while you can since the designer brands will be $150 a pop.

If it’s possible, the shirts grow more tasteless from left to right, but let’s be honest…Vegas isn’t the classiest place in the country.

This next shirt features a stick figure going down on another stick figure. It reads: Warning: Choking Hazard! Package contains large parts Keep out of reach of small women.

Last and finally not least, the Warner Brother’s logo has been paid the ultimate tribute. If you see ‘da police Warn a Brother!

farts

Bathroom Reader Flushes Out the Facts

Foreign Objects Protruding From New Jersey!