I’m going to wager that not too many people have Vigo The Carpathian staring at them while they are pissing. That smug bastard. He’s looking at me every time I take a leak. I try to do my business in the bathroom as quickly as possible knowing that at any moment he could come alive and rip right through the cheap Wal-Mart frame I’ve enclosed him in. Surprisingly, Vigo has tricked some guests who have never seen Ghostbusters 2 into thinking that I have some sort of fine art in my bathroom. It’s better that they think that anyway. Although if you’re ever constipated, sitting there with Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy looking right over your shoulder will scare the shit out of you real quick.
As far as trips to the bathroom go, if you are the in and out type you probably don’t have time to do any extensive reading while on the can. And if that’s the case, you are definitely not aware of the cutthroat business of publishing Bathroom Readers. A bathroom reader is a book which is often made up of random facts and information that provides a temporary diversion to help you relax while you’re on the john. There’s many to choose from, but one of my great Christmas gifts this year was a bathroom reader printed in New Jersey: The Bathroom Trivia Digest: Fascinating Facts for People on the Go by Russ Edwards and Jack Kriesmer. If you’re unloading for less than a few minutes, let’s face it, that’s probably not enough time to memorize the periodic table of elements or the Magna Carta, but just like that little penny holder at the checkout counter, you can take a few nuggets while you leave a few nuggets.
Last week, we finally found a Sushi place in Red Bank after realizing that Sunday is not the best day to embark on a such a search. I’m not a ritzy type of guy, I’d rather sit at home and microwave leftovers than have to eat at some pretentious establishment known for their distinct cuisine, but that describes many of the restaurants in Red Bank. My girlfriend and I were in the mood for some damn sushi and upon discovering 3 sushi places in the immediate area were closed, it seemed there’d be no sushi in our foreseeable future. I made a couple of phone calls and found out that The Bistro in Red Bank actually had great sushi.
I’m no stranger to bathroom humor. Nor am I a stranger to humor involving actual bathrooms. Like you, I’m pretty familiar with being in a bathroom. We spend so much time relieving ourselves during our lifetime that most of us are bound to come out feeling refreshed and are inclined to tell some great stories about what happened. So far, in my life I’ve spent about 2,056 hours in the can. I’m not sure if that’s including Portsans, Johnny on the Spots, and random places like Grocery Store parking lots, but it’s probably a pretty accurate count. (# comes Courtesy of The Toilet Calculator) Being the creator and proprietor of the delicious, refreshing, FĒC-ALE, (the country’s leading brown ale) I feel I’m qualified to break some new ground in Scatology.
I hereby DEMAND equality when it comes to men’s and women’s bathrooms! Women need to realize that their bathrooms are usually a much higher quality than your average men’s room. When I was a kid I was out at a restaurant with my family and for the first time I realized that men were gypped. Women’s bathroom’s are more like a spa and feature ornate décor, couches, lots of velvet, etc. Men’s bathrooms have urinals and toilets. One thing that ladies bathrooms lack, for the most part, is the intense stench.
A guys trip to the bathroom becomes a challenge to see how long he can hold his breath. Believe me, we whip it out and unleash as fast as humanly possible while cutting off all oxygen to the brain in attempts to save ourselves from instant odor annihilation. I’m not the culprit here because I won’t go take a shit in a public place unless it is a complete emergency. Let’s face it, who is getting all comfy and taking a huge dump in the bathroom of a Target shopping center? Not I! I reserve this offense for a place that I can be completely relaxed, either my home, or whenever I’m in a Tibetan monastery. To blame are the guys that are so proud of their shits that they don’t care if they violate moral codes of decency by smelling up an entire 10 stall bathroom.
Women have had a long, challenging journey to arrive at the point they’re at now. They’ve gained the right to vote and they have demanded opportunity for themselves in politics and the workplace. One thing that they are definitely ungrateful for: Their bathrooms. Women need to appreciate what wondrous, mystical, Holy lands their bathrooms really are. I’ve never spoke to a girl who raved about the ladies room that they just peed in. Why? Because they are so used to it. They take it for granted that they can actually “rest” on a couch in their restroom. Men do not have this luxury. We might as well use the public sewers or potholes in the street to do our #2’s. Everyone wants a haven to desecrate and I DEMAND that everyone should have that luxury!