“Death Is But a Door, The Toilet Is But a Window…I’ll Be Back”

Vigo on My Toilet
“Only a Carpathian would come back to life now and choose Jay’s bathroom. Tasty pick bonehead!” 
– Peter Venkman

I’m going to wager that not too many people have Vigo The Carpathian staring at them while they are pissing. That smug bastard. He’s looking at me every time I take a leak. I try to do my business in the bathroom as quickly as possible knowing that at any moment he could come alive and rip right through the cheap Wal-Mart frame I’ve enclosed him in. Surprisingly, Vigo has tricked some guests who have never seen Ghostbusters 2 into thinking that I have some sort of fine art in my bathroom. It’s better that they think that anyway. Although if you’re ever constipated, sitting there with Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy looking right over your shoulder will scare the shit out of you real quick.

Bathroom Reader Flushes Out the Facts


As far as trips to the bathroom go, if you are the in and out type you probably don’t have time to do any extensive reading while on the can. And if that’s the case, you are definitely not aware of the cutthroat business of publishing Bathroom Readers. A bathroom reader is a book which is often made up of random facts and information that provides a temporary diversion to help you relax while you’re on the john. There’s many to choose from, but one of my great Christmas gifts this year was a bathroom reader printed in New Jersey: The Bathroom Trivia Digest: Fascinating Facts for People on the Go by Russ Edwards and Jack Kriesmer. If you’re unloading for less than a few minutes, let’s face it, that’s probably not enough time to memorize the periodic table of elements or the Magna Carta, but just like that little penny holder at the checkout counter, you can take a few nuggets while you leave a few nuggets.

While there may be plenty of other things one can do to help evacuate his or her bowels, such as push, moan, groan, meditate, or pray for a miracle, a bathroom reader is most effective for the type of person who would be easily amused by reading that “Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.” That info may not seem too pertinent to you, but I’m sure it weighs heavily on the minds of people from Kentucky. And, in case you are ever take a DeLorean back to old timey days, “In New York it is illegal to shoot at a rabbit from a moving trolley car,” I hear the fines for that one are astronomical! While all these tidbits are titillating, no book printed in Saddle River, NJ and intended to be read while dumping is worth a damn unless it has at least a few mentions of our own beloved dump, The Garden State.


Sushi Quest: Braggarts and Bathroom Posters


Last week, we finally found a Sushi place in Red Bank after realizing that Sunday is not the best day to embark on a such a search. I’m not a ritzy type of guy, I’d rather sit at home and microwave leftovers than have to eat at some pretentious establishment known for their distinct cuisine, but that describes many of the restaurants in Red Bank. My girlfriend and I were in the mood for some damn sushi and upon discovering 3 sushi places in the immediate area were closed, it seemed there’d be no sushi in our foreseeable future. I made a couple of phone calls and found out that The Bistro in Red Bank actually had great sushi.

After parking, we entered through the back entrance. I peeked down the hall and noticed that there weren’t any people sitting in the dining area. An employee walked by and I asked him “Are you guys open?” He followed up with “Not until 3:00 PM.” It was only a little after 2:00 PM at that point and I didn’t feel like waiting that long to eat. After growing more frustrated, we walked around to the front entrance and discovered that the restaurant was definitely open. There were people sitting in the seating area outside and in the front of the restaurant inside. I asked the waiter why the guy in the back of the restaurant told me they weren’t open yet and he said “Oh, he works at a different restaurant so he probably thought you meant his restaurant.” That didn’t register with me on a couple of levels. First, he was wearing the exact same black uniform the other Bistro employees were, so he couldn’t have been some nomadic waiter squatting at different restaurants in Red Bank until the one he works at opened. Secondly, if I asked him the question while standing INSIDE The Bistro, wouldn’t that obviously have meant that I was inquiring about the hours of the restaurant we were in at that moment? What an idiot.

On any typical day I would’ve grew angry and wondered how they could employ someone who lacked the ability to make sense of such a simple question. I took a deep breath, enjoyed the sunshine, salad, and sushi. Then as soon as I was beginning to calm down, a fire alarm started to ring across the street. A fair amount of smoke began to come out of a construction area in one of the storefronts.
While this emergency was going down, and the fire engine barreled down the street, a very snotty couple sitting beside us would not shut up. It seemed that this middle aged brunette with average looks, and a 60 something gray haired schlub, possibly her date, were off in their own world. The schlub kept talking about the 110-inch screen in his home theater room that he just had installed. I’m amazed at how many rich people walk around looking like they’re homeless but will brag about their possessions until you want to smack them in the mouth. Did I mention his exercise room? How could I miss that? He listed each feature of his fitness room including treadmills and free weights, but it was abundantly clear that he never touched any of that equipment EVER! In case you were curious, the seemingly unimpressed middle aged brunette will be making a move to Buenos Aires before summer and she’s also teaching in South Africa for part of the year. Hey schlubby, you should know that a big TV screen isn’t what impresses a woman, it’s how much of your fortune you’re willing to shell out to her!
‘The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” – Alexander Knox, Batman (1989)
The day became even more interesting when I made a trip to the bathroom. As I walked up to the urinal, I noticed the poster on the wall in front of me said “What Movie…Whose Line? 101 Classic Movie Quotes.” I never would’ve made the correlation between the act of guessing movie lines and pissing in a urinal, but it’s a damn good idea. Let’s take it to the next level and lobby to have small LCD screens with movies and trivia games installed right above every urinal and toilet. This would prevent rogue piss droplets being sprayed all over by guys who can’t aim. This poster is effective for guys who can’t seem to look straight ahead when doing their business. There’s no reason why a guy should be looking over at another guy, but if you just can’t help yourself then it should be the mission of the proprietor to keep you entertained. A word of advice to all owners of establishments with bathrooms: Buy entertaining posters, it keeps guys focused!
One of the first quotes I managed to glance at was awesome: “Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!” – Sarah, Labyrinth (1986)

Ladies and their Luxurious Restrooms

I’m no stranger to bathroom humor. Nor am I a stranger to humor involving actual bathrooms. Like you, I’m pretty familiar with being in a bathroom. We spend so much time relieving ourselves during our lifetime that most of us are bound to come out feeling refreshed and are inclined to tell some great stories about what happened. So far, in my life I’ve spent about 2,056 hours in the can. I’m not sure if that’s including Portsans, Johnny on the Spots, and random places like Grocery Store parking lots, but it’s probably a pretty accurate count. (# comes Courtesy of The Toilet Calculator) Being the creator and proprietor of the delicious, refreshing, FĒC-ALE, (the country’s leading brown ale) I feel I’m qualified to break some new ground in Scatology.
I hereby DEMAND equality when it comes to men’s and women’s bathrooms! Women need to realize that their bathrooms are usually a much higher quality than your average men’s room. When I was a kid I was out at a restaurant with my family and for the first time I realized that men were gypped. Women’s bathroom’s are more like a spa and feature ornate décor, couches, lots of velvet, etc. Men’s bathrooms have urinals and toilets. One thing that ladies bathrooms lack, for the most part, is the intense stench.
A guys trip to the bathroom becomes a challenge to see how long he can hold his breath. Believe me, we whip it out and unleash as fast as humanly possible while cutting off all oxygen to the brain in attempts to save ourselves from instant odor annihilation. I’m not the culprit here because I won’t go take a shit in a public place unless it is a complete emergency. Let’s face it, who is getting all comfy and taking a huge dump in the bathroom of a Target shopping center? Not I! I reserve this offense for a place that I can be completely relaxed, either my home, or whenever I’m in a Tibetan monastery. To blame are the guys that are so proud of their shits that they don’t care if they violate moral codes of decency by smelling up an entire 10 stall bathroom.
Women have had a long, challenging journey to arrive at the point they’re at now. They’ve gained the right to vote and they have demanded opportunity for themselves in politics and the workplace. One thing that they are definitely ungrateful for: Their bathrooms. Women need to appreciate what wondrous, mystical, Holy lands their bathrooms really are. I’ve never spoke to a girl who raved about the ladies room that they just peed in. Why? Because they are so used to it. They take it for granted that they can actually “rest” on a couch in their restroom. Men do not have this luxury. We might as well use the public sewers or potholes in the street to do our #2’s. Everyone wants a haven to desecrate and I DEMAND that everyone should have that luxury!