vacation Archives - Sludge Central

Jane Krakowski is March’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on April 1, 2010 by sexyarmpit

In my world, before her success as Jenna Maroney on 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski’s most notable role was in National Lampoon’s Vacation. The amount of times myself or someone I was speaking to has quoted Cousin Vicki’s notorious line has reached infinity by now. Say it with me:

COUSIN VICKI: “I’m going steady…and I french kiss…”
AUDREY: “So, everybody does that…”
COUSIN VICKI: “Yeah, but daddy says I’m the best at it…”

Match that little sliver of dialogue with Jane Krakowski’s superb white trash delivery and it solidified her as one of the most talented comedic actresses. Sure, her list of films since Vacation in 1983 has not been spectacular, but she has done steady work, especially in television. Her roles in shows like Ally McBeal and 30 Rock have gained her Golden Globes, SAG awards, and Primetime Emmys.

Presently, Krakowski’s star status is credible and has made mostly everyone forget about how she had to play Betty O’Shale in the prequel, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. And, if you are a horror buff like me, IMDB lets us in on the tidbit that Krakowski was originally cast in the original Sleepaway Camp as Judy, but dropped out because she felt her death scene was too violent. I don’t think that role would have swayed the direction of her career either way, but if she had been offered the role of Angela, now that decision would have made an impact. Some of Krakowski’s other film roles include Fatal Attraction, Go, Ice Age, Surf’s Up, The Rocker, and Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.

In addition to her TV and film credits, Krakowski is a singer and has appeared in several Broadway productions such as Grand Hotel, Once Upon a Mattress, and won a Tony Award for her performance in Nine. She also appeared in the 2005 version of Guys and Dolls in London starring Ewan McGregor.

The Parsippany, New Jersey born actress receives extra points for starring in A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa, which is one of the better Muppets TV movies, as well as an episode of…The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles!

Foreign Objects Protruding From New Jersey!

Posted on January 21, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Now that I’m apparently splitting my time between New Jersey and Las Vegas, I figured you wouldn’t miss me too much if I went to Vegas again. In anticipation of my next trip out there this weekend, I post for your investigation 2 photos that I snapped that I can’t seem to figure out.

Hanging from the ceiling of the restaurant America, in New York, New York in Las Vegas (who coincidentally had an awesome veggie burger with fresh avocado strips on it) was a model of the entire United States. Each state had a miniature trademark, for instance, Pennsylvania featured the Liberty Bell, New York City had skyscrapers, and upstate New York had apples.

What perplexed me for the entire trip was the enigmatic objects that were jammed into New Jersey.

Dammit, Jersey gets so much flack all the time and now I discover THIS! Why is everyone always shitting all over New Jersey?

What in the hell is that shit on NJ? Obviously anyone in their right mind can see that there’s a slot machine there to signify Atlantic City, but what about the other crap? Up north there’s some sort of Leaning Tower of Pisa. I haven’t the slightest clue what it’s supposed to be. Down in south Jersey, what I can see with the best of my ability is some weird looking roasted red pepper. There’s no chance that’s what it is, but I’ll be damned if someone tries to convince me it’s The Jersey Devil or something. If that’s what it’s supposed to be it’s the shittiest likeness of The Jersey Devil in the history of ceiling hung models of the U.S. Where the fuck is the Franklin Mint when you need them? Damn their veggie burgers are kickass but their version of New Jersey is all out of whack. Sure New York, New York gets it’s own state right but they f–k New Jersey up royally. Why don’t they give up this stupid grudge already?

I couldn’t resist adding this picture I took of the exterior of some cheesy stores on the Vegas strip. Notice the airbrushed t-shirts on the left.

The first shirt is classic: I Love to Fart a.k.a I Heart to Fart! Oh man, this is the best valentine’s day gift for a person who loves to fart. I’m pretty sure there’s others in the high fashion line such as “I love to take toxic dumps” and I Love “I Heart” Shirts. Watch out because Mark Ecko and Ed Hardy will be releasing their own versions of these pretty soon. Get these originals while you can since the designer brands will be $150 a pop.

If it’s possible, the shirts grow more tasteless from left to right, but let’s be honest…Vegas isn’t the classiest place in the country.

This next shirt features a stick figure going down on another stick figure. It reads: Warning: Choking Hazard! Package contains large parts Keep out of reach of small women.

Last and finally not least, the Warner Brother’s logo has been paid the ultimate tribute. If you see ‘da police Warn a Brother!

Criss Angel Makes His “Believe” Show Disappear

Posted on September 5, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Dear Criss,

This isn’t a letter hailing you for all your advances in the world of illusions. What you do on television is impressive but I can recall the days when success wasn’t so easy to come by for you. During my time working in radio you practically begged the various stations around NY/NJ to play your CD’s. Back then you were lucky to be called an adequate, formulaic, and effeminate magic act with a fierce lisp who just happened to play some pretty heinous hard rock music. But, there’s no need for us to harp on the past. Like Colonel Sandurz said, “We’re at now, now.” In fact, let’s talk about what I found in my inbox yesterday:

Exhibit A: a strategically written e-mail that your people sent out to anyone who purchased tickets to preview your Believe stage show in Vegas produced by Cirque Du Soleil. The show was slated to start on September 12th but they just flat out cancelled the first several “preview” shows. Oops, sorry folks! I’m glad they told us now you know, especially since my hotel and airfare are booked. Seeing Believe was the purpose of the trip. No apologies were offered for causing an inconvenience. They just aren’t ready yet. What doesn’t make sense is that before purchasing tickets, warnings were abound explaining the nature of a preview show. We would be seeing merely a preview which might not have the kinks worked out yet. The fans ate the tickets up anyway. We could look past some minor flubs unless you’re accidentally revealing how you pull all your illusions off.

Since my expectations are usually set pretty low, I was just happy I got a refund with no hassle. Perhaps that was some sort of illusion as well? Is the trick going to be telling us that you refunded us but it miraculously doesn’t show up on the credit card bill? Wow, that’s really inventive. Almost as good as “Hey, got your ear!” Thank God for that cause it never gets old!

I understand completely that I shouldn’t be holding you accountable personally, but the production crew. Oh yeah, the production crew…the guys who apparently work their asses off around the clock getting this thing together. For some reason these unionized professional effects gurus who create the wondrous wizardry that will be presented in the show felt that they just couldn’t make their deadline. Perhaps one too many lunch breaks at The Spearmint Rhino, huh fellas? I remember when I had a 50 page paper due my senior year of college and if it wasn’t in by the deadline I would receive a zero and have to take the course over again. That was only one 3 credit course which probably cost a few hundred dollars to participate in. I worked over 4 years to graduate college because I thought it might help my future. It was completely voluntary. This expert production company who’s getting paid literally millions of dollars, can’t make their deadline? They’ll sure as hell still get paid regardless of how many “peons” they screw over.

I don’t care about the refund, I actually wanted to see your show. Now, the only way that can happen is if I plan a whole entire future trip to Las Vegas. As you and I know, money doesn’t grow on trees although the leaves on the trees in your mansion are made of hundred dollar bills. Perhaps you could reach into those deep pockets of yours? You know, those swampy, smelly leather pants that you wear and finance my next trip out to Vegas to see your lame show that probably pales in comparison to say, a Broadway institution such as Phantom of the Opera.

Perhaps your little mind con, uhh, I mean mind freak isn’t translating to the stage as well as you thought it would? Do you think having a few more days might buy you the time to figure out how to cut that girl you’re banging into 3 pieces instead of 2, then float above her with industrial fans blowing your beautiful brown L’Oreal locks as your bare chest glistens for all the women in the audience to wet their panties? I honestly don’t know if you can accomplish all that with just a few extra days to play with. But think of it this way, it’s only a few days, but a TON of Vegas vacations are now ruined. How does that motivate you? Do you feel like Marty Moose? Clark Griswold wanted nothing more than to take his family to Wally World and the f’n park was CLOSED when they got there. “Soorrry Folks!” I thought paying astronomical amounts of money to see Bon Jovi was absurd, but it pales in comparison since his talent is monumentally more entertaining than any parlor trick. I’d like an apology for screwing up my trip or perhaps even a 20% discount on tickets if we want to come to a future show? F-that, you could’ve sent us all free Mindfreak T-shirts or something. I’m sure the women who got screwed over would love a pint of your sweat. You don’t have to shell out anything for that, Lord knows you sweat enough. I’m going to think twice about shelling out almost $200 a ticket for your show in the future let alone planning an entire vacation around it.

When my mind is clear and its doors are open for mesmerizing, your chicanery never fails to enthrall me. I have always been a “believer” until yesterday when my loyal status level has been downgraded to pending. Walking on water and floating in the air is impressive and that’s what made me believe that your stage show would be several shades of Unbelievable. As the story unfolds you’ve been disloyal to your “loyal“ and some of us won’t be experiencing your supposed fantastic and astonishing spectacle.

Now that a chunk of your fans have been unequivocally disappointed, are they expected to stand by idly and wait for your next “magic trick?” Perhaps one of the world’s most beloved and chaotic characters, who coincidentally also knows magic, might show you a little trick he can do with a pencil. You are one big M.F, and I don’t mean Mind Freak! Oh and by the way Criss, will you also be refunding the money of all 12 of the people out there who bought your albums over the years?