Dear Criss,
This isn’t a letter hailing you for all your advances in the world of illusions. What you do on television is impressive but I can recall the days when success wasn’t so easy to come by for you. During my time working in radio you practically begged the various stations around NY/NJ to play your CD’s. Back then you were lucky to be called an adequate, formulaic, and effeminate magic act with a fierce lisp who just happened to play some pretty heinous hard rock music. But, there’s no need for us to harp on the past. Like Colonel Sandurz said, “We’re at now, now.” In fact, let’s talk about what I found in my inbox yesterday:
Exhibit A: a strategically written e-mail that your people sent out to anyone who purchased tickets to preview your Believe stage show in Vegas produced by Cirque Du Soleil. The show was slated to start on September 12th but they just flat out cancelled the first several “preview” shows. Oops, sorry folks! I’m glad they told us now you know, especially since my hotel and airfare are booked. Seeing Believe was the purpose of the trip. No apologies were offered for causing an inconvenience. They just aren’t ready yet. What doesn’t make sense is that before purchasing tickets, warnings were abound explaining the nature of a preview show. We would be seeing merely a preview which might not have the kinks worked out yet. The fans ate the tickets up anyway. We could look past some minor flubs unless you’re accidentally revealing how you pull all your illusions off.
Since my expectations are usually set pretty low, I was just happy I got a refund with no hassle. Perhaps that was some sort of illusion as well? Is the trick going to be telling us that you refunded us but it miraculously doesn’t show up on the credit card bill? Wow, that’s really inventive. Almost as good as “Hey, got your ear!” Thank God for that cause it never gets old!
I understand completely that I shouldn’t be holding you accountable personally, but the production crew. Oh yeah, the production crew…the guys who apparently work their asses off around the clock getting this thing together. For some reason these unionized professional effects gurus who create the wondrous wizardry that will be presented in the show felt that they just couldn’t make their deadline. Perhaps one too many lunch breaks at The Spearmint Rhino, huh fellas? I remember when I had a 50 page paper due my senior year of college and if it wasn’t in by the deadline I would receive a zero and have to take the course over again. That was only one 3 credit course which probably cost a few hundred dollars to participate in. I worked over 4 years to graduate college because I thought it might help my future. It was completely voluntary. This expert production company who’s getting paid literally millions of dollars, can’t make their deadline? They’ll sure as hell still get paid regardless of how many “peons” they screw over.
I don’t care about the refund, I actually wanted to see your show. Now, the only way that can happen is if I plan a whole entire future trip to Las Vegas. As you and I know, money doesn’t grow on trees although the leaves on the trees in your mansion are made of hundred dollar bills. Perhaps you could reach into those deep pockets of yours? You know, those swampy, smelly leather pants that you wear and finance my next trip out to Vegas to see your lame show that probably pales in comparison to say, a Broadway institution such as Phantom of the Opera.
Perhaps your little mind con, uhh, I mean mind freak isn’t translating to the stage as well as you thought it would? Do you think having a few more days might buy you the time to figure out how to cut that girl you’re banging into 3 pieces instead of 2, then float above her with industrial fans blowing your beautiful brown L’Oreal locks as your bare chest glistens for all the women in the audience to wet their panties? I honestly don’t know if you can accomplish all that with just a few extra days to play with. But think of it this way, it’s only a few days, but a TON of Vegas vacations are now ruined. How does that motivate you? Do you feel like Marty Moose? Clark Griswold wanted nothing more than to take his family to Wally World and the f’n park was CLOSED when they got there. “Soorrry Folks!” I thought paying astronomical amounts of money to see Bon Jovi was absurd, but it pales in comparison since his talent is monumentally more entertaining than any parlor trick. I’d like an apology for screwing up my trip or perhaps even a 20% discount on tickets if we want to come to a future show? F-that, you could’ve sent us all free Mindfreak T-shirts or something. I’m sure the women who got screwed over would love a pint of your sweat. You don’t have to shell out anything for that, Lord knows you sweat enough. I’m going to think twice about shelling out almost $200 a ticket for your show in the future let alone planning an entire vacation around it.
When my mind is clear and its doors are open for mesmerizing, your chicanery never fails to enthrall me. I have always been a “believer” until yesterday when my loyal status level has been downgraded to pending. Walking on water and floating in the air is impressive and that’s what made me believe that your stage show would be several shades of Unbelievable. As the story unfolds you’ve been disloyal to your “loyal“ and some of us won’t be experiencing your supposed fantastic and astonishing spectacle.
Now that a chunk of your fans have been unequivocally disappointed, are they expected to stand by idly and wait for your next “magic trick?” Perhaps one of the world’s most beloved and chaotic characters, who coincidentally also knows magic, might show you a little trick he can do with a pencil. You are one big M.F, and I don’t mean Mind Freak! Oh and by the way Criss, will you also be refunding the money of all 12 of the people out there who bought your albums over the years?