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Gary’s Oasis…

All Your Fantasies Can Come True…Now Buy a Jacuzzi you pricks! I need a new car stereo!

There’s no stipulation in AD JERSEUM saying that we can’t discuss fictional ads relating to Jersey, so the 15th installment of Ad Jerseum comes from the 1985 film Desperately Seeking Susan.

During a sleepover when I was a kid, instead of hanging out and pretending we were on secret missions with toy guns and all the usual activities, I once made my best friend watch Desperately Seeking Susan. This was one of the rare times he actually trusted me and agreed to watch a film that I recommended. I was a little kid in love with the Material Girl, what can I say? Most of my friends would’ve told me in more juvenile terms that my sleepover agenda was out of whack, but not Frank, he was a trooper. He actually got into the movie and enjoyed it.

“In our New Jersey showroom we have hundreds of models of whirlpools and hot tubs at the lowest manufacturer-to-you prices…”

Speckled with New Jersey references, Desperately Seeking Susan was less about Madonna and more about Roberta Glass. Roberta desperately wanted to BE like Susan (Madonna). She was unlike the obnoxious women you see on the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Roberta lived in a beautiful home in Fort Lee, NJ and had everything she needed because her husband raked in a fortune selling spas and jacuzzis to rich assholes. Her husband, Gary (yes…Gary Glass – possibly the brother or cousin of George Glass, we’re still investigating that), was basically a self centered d-bag played to a tee by actor Mark Blum.

In the film, Glass has a party to view the airing of his latest commercial. The Gary’s Oasis TV spot has a similar production quality as a commercial you might see at 3 AM for a crappy local car dealership. But, it’s the blonde girls in bathing suits volleying the beach ball back and forth as they sit 2 feet away from each other that makes this one AD JERSEUM GOLD!!!

“ANDI…YOU GOONIE!” is a quote permanently etched into our brains thanks to that cheap guy Troy, but you may not be as familiar with the actress who played our favorite cheerleader, Andi Carmichael, Kerri Green. Green is best known for a handful of classic ’80s films such as Lucas, Summer Rental, and her signature role in The Goonies. As September’s Garden State Playmate, Green has prime eligibility since she was born in Fort Lee, NJ and went to high school in Montvale, NJ.

Green’s IMDB will tell you that she’s starred in episodes of Mad About You, ER, and Law and Order, but does any of that matter? She could’ve quit acting after The Goonies because she made a lasting impression as the sweet cheerleader next door who made me wish it was me accidentally kissing her in that cave instead of Mikey. At the time The Goonies came out, I was a little kid and Andi was the typical older high school girl who may have hung around with my older sister.

Green didn’t just portray Andi as the cute teenaged cheerleader. She was innocent, yet tough at the same time. One second she’s screaming and scared shitless, and the next she’s scolding Troy that she’ll smack him in the face and later bragging about how she elbowed his lip. Also, in a subtle nod to Judy Garland’s Dorothy, vulnerable Andi whined that she wasn’t a Goonie and she wanted to go home, but she can still organize the shit out of a victory pyramid. Kerri Green can play my bones any day.

**On a side note, a big thank you to Troy for planting the idea in my young male brain that you need not be perverse to see some crotch, you just need to be crafty. So, thank you Troy Perkins for teaching us, NAY, the WORLD, the old Rear View Mirror Upskirt Move.

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AD JERSEUM 15: Gary’s Oasis

Kerri Green is September’s Garden State Playmate!