From Oddities to Ice Cream – My Weekend Recap

For a guy who rarely likes to leave his condo I’ve sure been getting out a lot lately. I had a cool weekend and I’m here to tell you about it. Now’s a good time for a bathroom break because there won’t be another one until the end of the post!

JC Oddities Market, Cathedral Hall, Jersey City

Saturday marked the return of the JC Oddities Market at Cathedral Hall in Jersey City. I missed the last Oddities Market, so I made it a point to get there for this one. Plus, I needed to to fill my lifetime quota of attending an oddity flea market in an old church. Not only did I need to fill that very specific void, but with a long family history in Jersey City, I always look for any reason to venture there. Adding to that, my friend Bob Burke (the Glow Art champion of the world!) mentioned to me that he’d have a table there again. And to further reinforce my trip, the church is getting demolished at some point in the near future, so I’m glad I decided to go.

Bob “Glowmania” Burke had a special surprise gift for me, and I’ll be unveiling that very soon in an upcoming video!

This macabre market was unlike anything I’d ever been to before. The old church (Saint Bridget’s) was adorned with string lights and a random, oversized Delia Deetz-style snake sculpture in the middle of the floor up near the altar. I felt like I was on the set of a late ‘90s low budget horror sequel. (Definitely a part 4 or later.) The middle of the church floor was lined with vendor tables and artists selling everything from records and artwork to taxidermy and homemade jewelry. If only OMC sang a song called “How Bazaar,” now would be the most appropriate time to have that pop in your head. Even after being to so many cons and flea markets, most of these vendors were brand new to me. The basement featured even more tables, so I surpassed my usual 15 minute zip-through for one of these things.

I also ran into my friend Nicole and her girlfriend. You may recall Nicole, fellow Jerseyan and horror fanatic, who way back in 2014, let me post a piece of her writing here at The Sexy Armpit. It was so great to meet her after being friends with her online for so long. Nicole has since changed her social media handles so you can now follow her at @allthedamnvamps on Twitter and @allthedamnvampires on IG.

I bought a few non-tea gifts and a few things for myself. There’s the Jersey City Batman style t-shirt along with these amazing Jersey City coasters by “Chic Chalet.” Recently, I had The Bangles “Hazy Shade of Winter” single in my hands at a recent record show, but I ran out of cash, so I’m happy I found it here.

Brutaliteas

As for pickups, going into this thing I’d say that tea wouldn’t be a thing that I would come home with…AT ALL. Oddly enough, Brutaliteas was on site and proved me completely wrong. They were giving out samples and making tea cooler than it ever was, one tiny ass sample cup at a time. The creative offerings from Brutalitieas are truly game changing. This Jersey couple crafts their own homemade teas and infuses them with a horror or hard rock twist i.e Back in Blackberry, Apricot for Destruction? C’MON! Those are a must buy merely on the wordplay alone. I tried a sample at their table and it was delicious and the aromas are amazing. I was sold. I bought 3 packs. It was so hard to decide from a slew of amazing themes. I narrowed it down to Screamsicle, The Detoxic Avenger (obviously had to get that one), and A Nightpear on Elm Street. I haven’t brewed them yet, but I will very soon. I’ll likely throw in some ice cubes because I’m an iced tea freak.

The benevolent Brutaliteas donates part of the proceeds from sales of the Detoxic Avenger (Lloyd Kaufman approved) to canine cancer. Courtney and Adam are a seriously wonderful couple and it was great to meet them. You can tell that they love what they’re doing because it shines through in their teas. And those PUNS! You can read about their story at their website.

Spotted Toxie graffiti on the wall in the bathroom of Barcade

Barcade

Barcade is for getting buzzed and playing old video games. That was what I did the previous times I’ve been there. Although, I never thought I’d intentionally waltz into a Barcade for a late lunch without taking in an arcade game, but that’s exactly what happened. This time, I plopped myself down on a stool at the bar and ordered my usual drink and a…wait for it…veggie burger?!?! What?

Possibly a little known secret, Barcade’s veggie burger is badass! Equally as shocking, I’m a bit of a connoisseur of veggie burgers. I order veggie burgers almost anytime I can’t get eggplant parm. Spots like Barcade that make their own patties from original recipes in-house are the best. To order a veggie burger from a place that uses frozen patties is crazy because those could be made at home. If you’re into Veggie Burgers, get one next time you’re at Barcade. YUM! Tell me you don’t start getting hungry after reading the menu entry directly from their website:

Veggie Burger Deluxe 

6 oz. fresh patty of beets, brown rice, and black beans topped with cheddar, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, mayo & spicy ketchup on a bun.

In between all this I literally just wandered around Jersey City basically all day. I kept running into the best eye candy for my Jersey obsession. I snapped some photos for posterity.

8-Bit Mystery Pin, The Monkey’s Paw Store

Saturday was a good mail day thanks to the arrival of the pin pictured above. Scooby Doo meets Jason Voorhees has always been a mash up I’ve desperately wanted to see come to fruition. We’ve come very close a few times going back to an episode of Robot Chicken, and then some artwork from artist Travis Falligant, then there was also the Mystery of Crystal Lake enamel pin by The Monkey’s Paw where Shag and Scoob had a run-in with Jason. I snatched that one up as soon as it was released, but not too long after, they started teasing this 8-bit styled sequel to their original pin. What makes these pins so incredible is that they both had a run of only 50 worldwide. It’s a total collector’s item for a guy like me who loves both Scooby-Doo and Friday the 13th.

iPlay America

On Sunday, we went to iPlay for an event that wound up getting cancelled. We had a couple of consolation drinks then walked through the arcade area where I found this beautiful DC Comics game. All the major characters were featured on the game. I was stoked to see their Bronze age versions represented so I had to share it here. I didn’t actually play the game, just stood there drooling over it and took a thousand photos of every panel as blatantly illustrated in the collage above. Now that I got that out of my system, maybe I’ll actually play it next time.

Camp WWE

With 2 WWE events this weekend, (NXT Takeover and Backlash) I spent a lot of time on the WWE Network. I wound up unexpectedly re-binging CAMP WWE. To call it a binge is a bit of a stretch since the season only lasted 5 episodes. I’m sure watching them all again sounds pretty wild to even the most die-hard WWE fans, since almost everyone I’ve talked to about the show haven’t seemed too excited about it. The first time I watched it was about a day or so after the WWE premiered it on the network and I found it amusing, but wasn’t crazy for it. After a second helping, I’m finding myself loving it.

When you think about it, there hasn’t been a WWE animated show since Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, which I loved as a kid (around 75 years ago.) Merely for that reason alone, it automatically gains major cool points in my book. Think about it for a second, a modern day WWE animated series is pretty monumental. Wrestling AND cartoons combined? Drink it in maaaan! Let’s not take it for granted.

There’s also the fact that it’s funny thanks to a ton of in-jokes for wrestling fans. It’s written and produced by lifelong wrestling fans and that translates to a show that doesn’t dumb anything down. I found myself having a blast with it way more this time. The summer camp backdrop is like built-in nostalgia and Mr. McMahon hamming it up is incredible. Some of the other highlights of the show feature The Undertaker becoming one with nature, A 7-year old Stone Cold Steve Austin getting tanked on beers at a bar, an amusing appearance by Goldust as Mr. McMahon’s personal assistant, the actual Lex Express bus blowing up, and a truly hysterical take on Bray Wyatt. Check it out if you haven’t yet!

Ice Cream at Jersey Freeze

Before we headed home to catch WWE Backlash, I abruptly screeched the car off Route 33 and into the Jersey Freeze parking lot for some ice cream. The last time I was here was at least 15 years ago, so it was about time to rectify that. I got a cone with peanut butter pie ice cream. It was so delicious. I’ve never had this flavor before so I asked the girl behind the counter what was in it. She had no idea so she asked one of her coworkers. Once she mentioned peanut butter ice cream, bits of pie crust, and peanut butter cups I was putty in her hands. If you’re in the area this summer, make a pit stop there! (or an ARMPIT STOP! <rimshot>)

Thanks for reading about my latest excursion! Hope to see you back here soon!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 119: KISS at Roosevelt Stadium in Jersey City!

Today’s t-shirt memorializes the very KISS stadium concert at Jersey City’s Roosevelt Stadium in 1976! This tee is available at their official page KISSonline.com

Wow, we love demolishing stadiums in this state, don’t we? Roosevelt Stadium in Jersey City was a baseball stadium that opened in 1937 and was demolished in 1985. Sure, it had its share of memorable sporting events and concerts, but one in particular featured my favorite band ever, KISS.

When you think of famed KISS concerts, you may think of Cobo Hall in Detroit, or even Madison Square Garden in New York City, but merely days after America’s Bicentennial 4th of July celebration, on July 10th, 1976, KISS played very first stadium show right in The Sexiest of all Armpits.

Headlining a big baseball stadium was no easy task. The band had to be louder and crazier than the crowd was, and naturally, KISS was up for the task. At the time, they were riding high on what would become their biggest album of all time, Destroyer, so they were properly equipped to blast everyone directly out of the stadium with their mammoth sound and explosions, and that’s exactly what they did.

For non-KISS fans, it’s easy to believe that if you’ve seen one KISS concert, you’ve seen them all, but I’m here to tell you that’s just simply not the case. There was a special kind of magic going on with the early KISS shows. A group of musicians with a wild idea to mix ghastly face paint, elaborate costumes, and an explosive stage show were still in their formative years as a band. Hell, much like some of their other early concerts, the Roosevelt Stadium show was filmed in black and white, lending it an even more macabre atmosphere. B&W is one quality that always intrigued me with early KISS shows and bootlegs, especially knowing that Gene is such a horror movie fanatic.

Many of you have lived through the many incarnations of KISS. For over 40 years now KISS has been evolving their music, their look, and their stage show. To me, nothing beats those early years. Their music was darker and more seedy, their look was more basic, albeit scary. I wasn’t lucky enough to live through their ’70s heyday, but I relived them on my own through VHS bootlegs as a kid. Now, all that footage is on DVD box sets and of course, YouTube! You can see footage from the Roosevelt Stadium show below.

*Opening for KISS at Roosevelt Stadium was The J.Geils Band and Point Blank. It’s a heinous crime that at of the time of this post this show was somehow not included in the notable KISS concert list on Wikipedia. That is totally insane. Someone please fix this!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz3Kd3B9Zxg?rel=0&showinfo=0]

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.83: The Ghosts of Christmas Eve

The holiday rock extravaganza that is the world renowned Trans-Siberian Orchestra left their mark here in New Jersey – Jersey City to be exact. The Ghosts of Christmas Eve, their made for TV concert special that originally aired on the Fox Family Channel on December 14, 1999, was filmed here in Jersey’s most famous movie house that opened 70 years prior in 1929.

As we’ve mentioned many times before here at The Sexy Armpit, the classic Loews Jersey theater, located in Journal Square, is one of our state treasures and it’s actually a star of this production in its own right. The beautifully shot special highlights glimpses of the theater’s cavernous ceilings, and the rich, finely detailed interior. It’s fitting that the concert is titled The Ghosts of Christmas Eve, because I wouldn’t be surprised if the Loews Jersey theater has some ghosts of its own.

It’s not just you average concert. What makes this stand out is the combination of the thunderous music with striking holiday visuals that help weave in the plot of a runaway girl who wishes she’ll be welcomed back into her home by her family. The story begins on Christmas Eve where we join the girl as she hides in an abandoned theater – the legendary Loews Theatre in Jersey City.

The TSO are incredible musicians and it translates into their concerts which often evoke a haunting quality, ultimately they’re very uplifting, but there are elements that conjure up memories and emotions, especially during the holidays. This spectacle may give you feelings of inspiration, forgiveness, and in this case, you may recall a lost loved one, like the runaway daughter whose story unfolds during the concert.

Ten songs are blasted through in just under 45 minutes, so there’s no time to be bored. Some of the highlights include “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24,” “Joy to the World,” as well as several guest performances, two of which were Jewel and Michael Crawford. I’d forgotten how lovely Jewel is and her version of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” was equally as enchanting. Later on, perhaps the key moment in the special is a resounding performance of “O Holy Night,” from the former Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford. If that didn’t awaken the ghosts in the theater nothing else could.

The Ghosts of Christmas Eve is subtle yet bombastic, well crafted, and breathtaking. It will enhance your Christmas Spirit and it will also provide fare different than the typical stuff airing constantly on TV throughout December. It’s also perfect to play in the background while you’re putting decorations up or you have company over. Bonus if you have surround sound! You don’t have to be a huge TSO fan to fully enjoy this, but fans of rock music in general would get the most appreciation out of it, especially those from New Jersey. This special is still available on DVD.

Screw Jaegers, We’ve Got MEGAS XLR!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSfR7m8Tqzs?rel=0]
What do you do when your country is being attacked by giant Kaiju monsters? Call the Transformers? I think not, they already have enough on their plates! In the sci-fi movie Pacific Rim, released today, Jaegers are the giant robots that have been created to combat the Kaiju monsters in the film which are similar to Godzilla. The “mechas,” or robots, require two pilots on the same wavelength to control each massive machine. Since I haven’t seen Pacific Rim yet, I can’t say if the Jaegers are successful in their defense of the country, but if they wind up having some trouble, I can recommend some help.

One of my favorite, albeit short lived, Cartoon Network shows was Megas XLR. Pre-dating Pacific Rim by 9 years, Megas XLR, a show about a giant robot resurrected in a Jersey City junkyard, premiered in 2004 on the Toonami block. It’s also important to mention that the Transformers live-action film didn’t hit theaters until 3 years later! Enough bragging though, Megas XLR wasn’t just a show about an eXtra Large Robot, it also featured a couple of standard issue Jersey slacker dudes. They snack, sip Slurpees, and listen to loud rock music. Extremely common behavior for indigenous slackers.

Coop (Picture Reaper’s Tyler Labine) and Jamie, our “heroes,” purchase the robot for a dollar since it was laying amongst the debris in the local junkyard. Coop, the mechanic, fixes up the severely damaged robot, gives the towering machine a slick flaming paint job, attaches it’s new head – a ’70s muscle car similar to a Plymouth Barracuda, and uses a video game controller to drive it around.

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To promote the show at the San Diego Comic Con previous to it’s premiere, Cartoon Network gave out a very limited amount of small statues of Megas XLR. For the Jersey pop culture obsessed, this is one of the coolest pieces to have in your collection. Knowing something this badass came out of one of our filthy, fictional junkyards and was fixed up and controlled by 2 Jersey slackers makes it that much more special to me.

Megas XLR did not garner a huge fan base at the time but, it certainly has gained a cult following. As for the latest status on the show, last year, the show’s creators tweeted about the possibility of bringing Megas XLR back. Presently, all the episodes are available on iTunes, but, there’s never been an official DVD release. Here’s to hoping Pacific Rim packs a wallop at the box office this weekend. Success like that could create a big demand for robot related programming, and there’s no better animated sci-fi action comedy than MEGAS XLR!

New Jersey Runs On Dunkin’!

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D&D’s Limited Edition New Jersey DDestinations Collection Mug
The weather was so beautiful yesterday that I decided to take the back roads home from work. I even got really crazy and opened the sunroof. Something was missing though.

I felt like getting a pumpkin iced coffee from D&D. As it turns out, there’s no shortage of Dunkin’ Donuts locations in New Jersey, but what that actually means is that there’s one every 400 feet. I was near the Fanwood, NJ location so I pulled in. Whoa, long line! Usually the line is long for the breakfast rush, but at 5pm? Something told me not to jump in line right away.
Before I staked my claim on line behind the teenage girls that just got out of dance class, and the three stoner kids pooling their change together to buy vanilla bean Coolattas, I happened to notice a shelf with mugs to the right of the cash register, so I waltzed over to browse. As I got closer, I saw a bunch of ceramic mugs that said “New Jersey” on them. At first, I was in disbelief that D&D would offer a state branded mug, but it was real and it was begging me to bring it home.

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The packaging that housed the mug clued me in that it’s part of D&D’s limited edition “DDestinations” mug collection. $5.99 was a fair price considering it’s a gigantic mug, well let me rephrase that, it’s actually more of a VAT. I won’t have to go back for refills with this one, especially since I also use mugs for other random beverages. The graphics on the ceramic mug are FAR from mind blowing, but the idea is still pretty neat. The colors are in line with D&D branding and the graphics feel like they are straight out of the ’70s or ’80s. These mugs are already popping up on eBay for $20 bucks, so if this kind of memorabilia appeals to you, then grab your state’s mug in-store while you can.
Most of the locations and points of interest depicted on the mug were easily identifiable, but I had a hell of a time attempting to figure out what the tall building was in the photo posted on the top right. After a lot of Google image searching and help from a friend we determined it’s a really poor interpretation of Goldman Sachs Tower in Jersey City, NJ.
In addition to Goldman Sachs Tower, the other points of interest were easy to figure out. You can see Ellis Island Immigration Station, Absecon Light House, Lucy The Elephant, a few acres of farmland, Atlantic City, and possibly Branchbrook Park in Newark which is known for the largest collection of Cherry Blossom trees in the U.S. I can’t officially say that’s what those trees are intended to represent, but I’m relatively certain. Can’t wait to fill this up with some D&D pumpkin or toasted almond coffee.

Before and After: Silent Bob The Goon

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Technically Bob The Goon came way before Silent Bob, so that rejected Wheel of Fortune clue doesn’t really work. But it is true that there is a connection between these two beloved Bobs – and it’s more than just their names!

Bob The Goon is a character created for the 1989 Batman movie. Played by Jersey City’s own Tracey Walter (who has appeared in TONS of films and TV shows), Bob The Goon was The Joker’s main lackey. Putting it more simply, he was Joker’s NUMBER ONE GUY!!!

5 years after Batman, in 1994, Kevin Smith’s alter ego Silent Bob debuted in his own film Clerks. Silent Bob is the quiet, chilled out partner of his friend stoner friend Jay (Jason Mewes) and they later go onto several more cinematic adventures together.

As recently revealed by Kevin Smith on his Fatman on Batman Podcast, Bob The Goon was actually an inspiration for Smith in creating the Silent Bob character. Episode #8 (available on iTunes) is all about The Dark Knight Rises and like all the rest of the episodes – it’s totally FREE! You can’t beat that, thanks Kevin!

It’s pretty awesome that we New Jersey fanboys can be proud that not only Kevin Smith is a local icon,  but Bob the Goon is as well. Read more about Joker’s #1 guy in this post.

Holy Bat-Weekend!

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If you haven’t had your fill of comic cons and pop culture conventions this year, you can take a ride to Teaneck, NJ this weekend for the NJ Comic Expo. It’s a great chance to pick up holiday gifts for the geek in your family. There will be tables filled with comics, collectibles, and other cool stuff. Also on hand will be comic artists and special guests.
On Saturday night to coincide with this “bat-vention,” you can attend a special showing of the 1966 Batman film at the Loews Jersey Theater at Journal Square in Jersey City, NJ. http://loewsjersey.org/

*In other Bat-news: New Jersey’s Ledger Live on NJ.com interviewed The Sexy Armpit about our theory that Batman’s Gotham City is actually New Jersey, not New York City!

11/12 and 11/13
Teaneck Armory
1799 Teaneck Road
Teaneck NJ 07666

Halloween 2011 Events in New Jersey

halloween,new jersey

I’ve been complaining that it seems like there aren’t enough Halloween events going on this year in the Garden State, but as the month of October continues, I’m obviously dead wrong. There’s events popping up like zombies out of the ground. So, if you’re into some doing spooky stuff in honor of Halloween, Jersey is definitely the place to do it. I don’t know what I was thinking because we probably have more cool frightful events than most other states. Read on for the best ways to celebrate Halloween for the rest of the month. If you have an event that you would like to submit for the list, please send to sexyarmpit@comcast.net.

You may remember me mentioning The Home of Happiness before. They are New Jersey’s own Rocky Horror Troupe located in Montclair, New Jersey. Tonight, 10/15 they are having a Pre-Halloween costume contest and next Saturday is college night! If you miss it this week, be sure to get there on a Saturday night soon, it’s “truly beautiful to behold!”
WHEN: EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT!
WHERE: Bellevue Theater, Montclair NJ
And of course, we’ve got ZOMBIES! We’ll have enough ghastly zombies in Asbury Park’s UNDEAD FESTIVAL to take over Rhode Island. We broke a Guinness record at the last NJ Zombie Walk and I’m sure this year will be just as insane. Get your tickets to the Undead Festival which is going on all next weekend!
nj zombie walk,asbury park,halloween,october 



UNDEAD FESTIVAL AND NJ ZOMBIE WALK

WHEN: OCTOBER 21st, 22nd, and 23rd! (Zombie Walk is 10/22!)
WHERE: Asbury Park Convention Hall, Asbury Park NJ
FEATURING: vendors, costume contests, fashion shows, screenings, meet and greets with horror film stars
HALLOWEEN HORROR DOUBLE FEATURE
FILMS: Frankenhooker and Basket Case
WHEN: 10/22 7:30 PM
WHERE: FORUM THEATRE, Metuchen NJ
I often write posts about The Landmark Loews Jersey Theater and their excellent film festivals. The theater is a gorgeous classic movie house which has been restored by volunteers who pour their heart and soul into the old movie palace. The theater is easily accessible, located in Journal Square in Jersey City. If you don’t have plans for Halloween weekend, there’s nothing better than watching a horror film in this theater while munching on popcorn.
loews jersey,jersey city,october,halloween 



HORRORS, LAUGHS, AND CHILLS CLASSIC FILM FESTIVAL 

WHERE: Landmark Loews Jersey Theater, Jersey City, NJ
FILM SCHEDULE: 
Friday 10/28 8:00PM The House on Haunted Hill
Saturday 10/29 6:00PM Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
Sunday 10/29 8:15 PM The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
CHILLER THEATRE TOY, MODEL, and FILM EXPO
WHEN: 10/28 – 10/20
WHERE: Hilton, Parsipanny NJ
TICKETS: http://www.chillertheatre.com/c4tickets.htm

THE MISFITS
WHEN: 10/28 Doors at 6:30 PM
WHERE: Starland Ballroom, Sayreville
TICKETS: via this link at Ticketmaster

FRIGHT FEST AT SIX FLAGS GREAT ADVENTURE
WHERE: Six Flags Great Adventure, Jackson, NJ
WHEN: Weekends until 10/30
PARANORMAL NJ’s NIGHTMARE BALL
WHEN: 10/29 8 PM
WHERE: Asbury Lanes, Asbury Park NJ
http://www.paranormalbooksNJ.com and http://www.asburylanes.com/

ELAINE’S DINNER THEATER AND HAUNTED MANSION
Now Presenting “Gone With The Werewolves”
WHEN: Make Reservations at (609) 884-4358
WHERE: Cape May, NJ
http://www.elainesdinnertheater.com/dinner.html

WHERE: Willowbrook Mall, Wayne NJ
WHEN: Until 10/30

Let Me Plan Your Weekend in NJ

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– Tonight, the legendary Loews Jersey Theater in Jersey City has a Caper Films series going on and THE ORIGINAL Thomas Crown Affair will be showing tonight. This movie kicks ass and nothing beats Steve McQueen and the hottness of Faye Dunaway. 8:00 PM (Also this weekend: Take the Money and Run and The Sting)

– On Saturday catch NJ rockers Scarlet Carson are headlining Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ for their CD release party. Several other great bands are featured as well such as: The New Black, Life Without Warning, and Jaded Faith.

– Also on Saturday night, the glammed out pop/rock band Sweet Fix will put on their musical spectacle when opening up for ’80s safety dancers Men Without Hats at Mexicali Live in Teaneck, NJ.

– Elaine’s Dinner Theater presents the horror spoof Gone With The Werewolves through November.

– The Hexagon Players will put on their production of Wizard of Oz at Bernards High School in Bernardsville NJ through October 1st. http://hexagonplayers.org/

The Perfect Holiday (2007) – A Jersey Christmas Movie

The Perfect Holiday
The grand interior of The Landmark Loew’s Jersey Theater in Jersey City
decked out for J-Jizzy’s Christmas Wonderland Party

So many people claim they are originally from Jersey, ergo that must mean when someone sings “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” they really mean they’re going back to Jersey…to Jersey. Queen Latifah is one of those people. She’s a tough chick who was born in Newark, NJ and raised in East Orange, who went ahead and crowned herself the Queen of Hip-Hop. There’s never been any other female hip-hop artist that has been formidable enough to threaten her crown, but what’s funny is that I can only recall one of her songs, which is “U.N.I.T.Y” from 1994. Most of what I know about the former power forward of the Irvington High School girls basketball team, aka Dana Owens, is that she’s become more of a movie star, and unfortunately 2007’s The Perfect Holiday is not one of her better ones.

The Perfect Holiday
The kids go to see Santa at Jersey Gardens Outlet Mall in Elizabeth, NJ

The plot of The Perfect Holiday is trite Christmas fare, something you might see on ABC Family Channel or better yet…Hallmark Channel rather than in theaters. Gabrielle Union (the hot rival cheerleader in Bring It On), shows that she needs several more acting classes to become Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock who she was attempting to channel in this movie. In her role as Nancy, she plays a mother of 3 who has just separated from her rapper husband. Benjamin (Morris Chestnut) is the guy that swoops in to steal her heart as he’s playing Santa Claus at Jersey Gardens Mall in Elizabeth, NJ. Nancy’s cuter-than-Olivia-Kendall daughter Emily (Khail Bryant) tips Benjamin off that her mom is in need of a compliment. Chestnut’s performance was only forgivable because it was so predictable and cheesy. Charlie Murphy is J-Jizzy, a way less likable P.Diddy sort of hip-hop artist who has left his 3 kids with the hurdle of adjusting to their mother’s new boyfriend (Chestnut). Forget all that, the heavy guy from Couples Retreat, Faizon Love, is the best and funniest part of this movie.

The Perfect Holiday
Faizon Love makes the front page of The Star Ledger!

The pace is fast, the editing is terrible, and they crammed pretty much every Christmas song you can think of into every second of the film. Even having the majestic Queen Latifah as one of the producers did not give this film the boost it needed. Latifah’s screen time as “Mrs. Christmas” is minimal, and the dude who wishes he was Don Cheadle, Terrence Howard, also appears as her extremely annoying cohort, Bah Humbug. The film was directed and co-written by Lance “Un” Rivera, the Unentertainment Records CEO and fomer Biggie Smalls collaborator. He also directed another film I’ll be writing about in the future, 2004’s The Cookout.

I can only recommend The Perfect Holiday to those of you who love the actors in the film, as well as to hardcore New Jersey buffs like myself. Our newspaper, The Star-Ledger makes an appearance, and so does tons of crappy looking computer generated snow. In case you decide to go out on a limb and Netflix this steaming lump of coal, you’ve been warned.

The Perfect Holiday
Garden Palace Lanes in Clifton, NJ – if you look closely you’ll see CGI snow

Filming Locations: Hoboken, Jersey City, Bergenfield, Rutherford, Westfield, Jersey Gardens Mall in Elizabeth and Garden Palace Lanes in Clifton.

http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=thesexarm-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B001DJLCQS&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr