Gross Observations #2: Holiday Edition ’07

Why is it that only kids from 1 to 92 get the simple phrase ? What about the rest of them? Do they get a more complex phrase?

What’s all this talk of lighting up trees?

I’m awarding the late, great Karen Carpenter with a Golden Armpit Award for coining the word “Christmasing” in The Carpenter’s Merry Christmas Darling. Heck, even if she didn’t coin it, she still won for best use of the word.

Why is it that Christmas cards are so important? They could make you or break you! If you don’t buy a certain person in your family a nice enough card they’ll totally trash you.

The best part of the cold weather is going outside and getting that first whiff of neighbors using their fireplace. It’s such a great smell.

I wonder how the gay community feels this time of year about the fact that we’re donning all their apparel?

In North Carolina, do they let Heaven and Nature Boy sing? Whoooo!

For some reason I have a fear that one of these days some “genius” Hollywood producer is going to greenlight a remake of Home Alone. Not a sequel…a remake. This will be an abominable mistake. The original is a classic and I still get a kick out of it ’til this day. Much like A Christmas Story it conjures up all those excellent feelings you got during the holidays when you’re a kid.

Why do we write “Xmas” with an X? Wouldn’t that be Crossmas? Maybe even “Multiplied By-mas” It has nothing to do with the number 10 and it’s definitely not “Mark the Spotmas” Who came up with that one?

Wasn’t Last Christmas a much different song when you heard it for the first time AFTER you found out that George Michael was gay? And who is the moron who let Ashley Tisdale murder that song? Holy Crap! William Hung would’ve done a better job!

Forgive me if it sounds perverse but 8 maids a milking actually sounds kinda hot. How that gift was not opened earlier than the 8th day is beyond me. I’m hoping that on the 9th day I get a digi-cam to record that shit. You Tube here I come!

One year I saw mommy kissing Tiny Tim. It wasn’t the ill Cratchit boy though, it was actually Tiny Tim the ’60s ukelele sensation. I’ll never forget that Christmas.

How come no one has harped on the fact that there’s a song that exists called “Back Door Santa“??

I realized the other day as I was completing a holiday purchase at a department store that I left the counter and said Merry Christmas! I don’t give a fuck. Christmas seems to have become a non denominational holiday. So all of that PC crap we’ve been hearing about the past few years, like how you can’t say Merry Christmas – that’s all gone to shit. You can say it to anyone now. That’s the rule…I just made it! Merry F–king Christmas!

Blue lights on the trees?

There was a great commercial that aired during the kickass episode of Heroes on Monday. I must give props to Cingular and Motorola who produced an homage of A Christmas Story to promote their latest phone deal.

I find it quite amazing that A Charlie Brown Christmas is already airing on television right at this second on ABC. What’s even nuttier is that the Christmas Tree lighting in Rockefeller Center seems like it’s being scheduled earlier and earlier each year. Next thing you know, Halloween will be cancelled and replaced by a new holiday called “Countdown to Christmas.”

Tomorrow is the tree lighting and to me it’s pretty exciting. I’m looking forward to going to see the tree because it’s one of the last real traditions we have in the tri-state area. Traditions are awesome and make Christmas one of the most highly anticipated holidays. From the holiday music to the classic movies, it’s fun to relive them each year. Even though the holiday season has the most anticipation of any tradition, (next to the Super Bowl of course!) the more miniscule ones are still important. To many people, watching Monday Night Football (or Raw in my case) is one of the feelings that makes living life so awesome. If you don’t have traditions in your life, I recommend starting a brand new one up and then see if you can make it catch on with other people. Oh wait, George Costanza’s father tried that on Seinfeld (fesitvus) and Seth tried to on The O.C (Chrismakuh) and they both didn’t work out. It’s worth a shot anyway. I’ve always wanted to make a horror movie night with some friends where we all got together and watched a different horror movie every week or so. To me that is a great tradition.

Finally, it’s important to note that the town has decorated the trees on Main St. They put these weird blueish/purple lights on the trees! Usually red and green is more festive, or even colorless lights are better. I can’t get into lavendar, it’s not traditional enough dammit! Even silver and gold would be better.