Gettin’ Whoppy with NEW Whoppers

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Nod if you’ve ever experienced Malt-Mouth which is the burning sensation you get inside your mouth after sucking on balls…not just any balls though…Malted Milk Balls. It’s a rare occasion that I actually partake in any malted milk balls, but when I do it’s usually the most popular brand, Whoppers.

If you’re going for it you may as well enjoy the best in it’s class. Think about it, what other malted milk ball comes in a carton? Anything that isn’t milk that comes in a milk carton must be awesome. A candy needs to have a very positive self image and cannot be self conscious in any way in order to display itself on store shelves in a carton. People won’t know what the hell it is. Is it a liquid candy? No silly it’s a carton full of brown balls that you can suck on!

The candy world has been on a rampage lately with debuting new varieties of classic candies. I always think this is a mistake because the new varieties are never as good. Let’s face it peanut butter M&M’s are pretty bad and why do we need them when we can have the original Reese’s pieces? They were good enough for E.T, right?

Whopper Strawberry Milkshake balls came out a few months back. Unfortunately these are light pink and sickeningly sweet. The flavor is pretty accurate but not only did I find that they had an aftertaste, but there were also too many “dud” balls. I’m not talking milk duds here…I’m talking about those bastard balls that weren’t fully processed and taste like burnt corn syrup. If you attempt to bite into these hard, lame balls you’ll see how gross they look. The original Whoppers beat this strawberry variety any day.

Coming up a close second are these new Reese’s Peanut Butter Whoppers. The package enticed me while I was at the checkout counter. I’m so easily sold. The peanut butter variety has the same type of gimmick as the strawberry, only with a flavor more conducive to a malt ball. To make a candy that has been notoriously paired with chocolate forever into strawberry milkshake was a mistake. I was more impressed with the peanut butter but the original remains the best of the bunch. The peanut butter version has a creamy and accurate peanut butter flavor, but like the strawberry version, it’s hard to eat a lot of them because they can easily make you want to vomit.

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3 Musketeers Dark Chocolate Mint

Posted on by sexyarmpit

I’m really not a big candy guy, and it’s rare for me to find a variety that I really enjoy. I am a sucker for a limited edition candy, or a version that might not have a long run in stores. In this instance, inside the cool Batman trick or treat pail that my girl got for me, I found a new 3 Musketeers bar waiting for me mixed in with some other treats.

This was no ordinary 3 Musketeers bar either, this one was made with Dark Chocolate and had mint fluffy stuff inside. I’ve always leaned toward 3 Musketeers if I were to have a candy bar, mostly because they are lower in fat than other bars but also because they’re damn good. Of course, candy bars are notoriously packed with fat and calories, but this one will give you a less severe heart attack than if you just ate Baby Ruth’s or Whatchamacalits all day. And sorry NO, Snickers marathon bars do not count as a healthy meal! If you do look at nutritional information, then you’d be rather pleased to know that you won’t have to feel totally guilty eating this new bar.

One requirement before eating: you must have a taste for dark chocolate. I’m a maniac for dark chocolate and I’m the first one to grab the Special Dark Hershey’s whenever there’s a bowl of variety chocolates around. It’s usually not a big deal because everyone I know goes for Krackle like it’s a target and they’re snipers. It’s sick! The fact that dark chocolate is lower in fat than milk chocolate probably explains why there’s so many new candy and foods that are coming out featuring dark chocolate. Companies love to capitalize on health trends. I’ve tried the Snickers Dark bar and it’s really enjoyable but I don’t think it stands up to this one. It’s hard to change your taste with a bar as iconic as Snickers. You expect one flavor, the same one you’ve tasted forever. If it’s any different, it’s a let down!

The bar has a basic mint taste with a similar but softer texture than a York Peppermint Patty. I liked that it didn’t have a peppermint taste, but more of a vague mint which wasn’t overpowering. The version I got was actually 2 small bars in one package which is never fun. If I wanted FUN SIZE, I would’ve bought them. I think this is the way that they scam us by thinking we’re getting a whole bar, yet they chince on 2 centimeters of the bar. Crooks I tell ya!
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The Day the Candy Died

Posted on by sexyarmpit

At work the other day we came into a windfall of Smarties. It was fun, it was like Halloween. I don’t eat candy a lot now that I’m all “grown up,” but I was a loyal fan of the candy when I was a kid. Smarties were a favorite of mine and I can’t count how many occasions Smarties wound up in my hands. We would get them in birthday party goody bags, on Halloween, and sometimes in a big-ass variety pack mom bought that was filled with candy. Smarties never changed the formula and always stayed true to themselves. The packaging, flavor, and consistency have stayed the same as long as I can remember. This means a lot in comparison with all the rest of the candy out there.
We stuffed our pockets with as much would fit. My coworker and I had lumpy asses. I haven’t had them in so long so I ripped into them immediately and they tasted awesome. There was actually different varieties like Tropical, which didn’t taste too much different than the original, and Bubble Gum! Now, I’m a big fan of the flavor bubble gum as in “Maglione’s Italian Ice Bubble Gum,” and I was hoping that the Smarties would taste similar. After I popped a bunch in my mouth and started chewing I realized that they actually turned into gum. A pretty BAD gum if I must say. It tasted like apples instead of bubble gum. Even worse, was that it was the type of weak gum that seems like your chewing a pansy ass gum that wears frilly violet shirts. I spit the damn gum out immediately. I couldn’t stand it.
It’s such a shame that Smarties has bowed to the pressures of society and started making all these different varieties. That’s the downfall of quality. Why make Reese’s with caramel, Reese’s with white chocolate, Reese’s with pudding, Reese’s cookies, Reese’s with pesto sauce, Reese’s with neon yellow peanut butter, Reese’s with her spoon, the list goes on and on. To all the candy companies: Start concentrating on the original and quit worrying about offshoots! Stop trying to spin-off your candy! Are you trying to make candy or jump the shark?
After checking out their website, I read that they’re a family owned company and they are made right in Union, New Jersey! Not that this makes me forget how awful their Smarties gum is, but it definitely puts them back in my good graces. But that didn’t last long as I continued to peruse their site and saw so many different kinds of Smarties to chose from. There’s even Smarties candy money! Let this be a lesson, stick to the basics. Once you start manufacturing X-Treme Sour Smarties, it’s disastrous!
And what’s with Nestle Chocolate Smarties clogging up search engines when I search for the REAL Smarties? F-them! Does anyone even like them?

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