candy Archives - Page 2 of 3

York’s Batty Peppermint Patties!

Posted on October 4, 2009 by sexyarmpit

I’ve always been a major proponent of anything in a “pattie” formation. Whether it’s a buger, a breakfast sausage, or a delicious and refreshing mint chocolate treat. York Peppermint Patties really give me the cool sensation of skiing in the Swiss Alps…or being a vampire and turning into a bat. York Peppermint Patties are like crack for me because I could just keep eating them until my shit smells like mint. That doesn’t happen, but a man can dream. Until that dream comes to fruition, I really enjoyed eating these new York Peppermint Patties that are now in Batty Pattie shape for the Halloween season!

Your Trick or Treat pail or bag will not be disappointed if these Halloween York Batty Patties drop in. Unlike the foil wrapped individual patties, these are tailor made for Halloween because the wrapper is not as easy to tamper with. That menacing bat is not too shabby either! And parents will be pleased they are low in fat and made with dark chocolate. That still doesn’t give me an excuse to eat 8 of them after lunch. There’s never an excuse for that. That’s just wrong. Again, hoping for a farty mint miracle. Silly me.

For some reason any type of mint candy was never popular with my group of friends. Their taste always veered toward the more whacky, in your face type of candy. The more sour, sugary, and atomic the better it seemed. Not me. Give me mint any day and if its soft, irresistible, and in batty pattie form, well I just hit the jackpot!

The Muthaf—ing Marshmallow Pals Are Back!

Posted on December 22, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Right now it’s a marshmallow world in New Jersey thanks to the mild winter storm that passed through over the last couple of days. Not too long ago, during Halloween, my world was filled with actual marshmallows. I made a few new friends who called themselves Marshmallow pals. These pals were a freaky gang of mooshy ghouls including the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein, a pumpkin, and a witch. Recently while cruising the aisles of Toys R Us I gained a few more pals, but this time they came straight from the North Pole.

This set of Frankford Marshmallow Pals features Santa, Mrs. Claus, Frosty, and Santa’s Elf.

I don’t consider myself a full fledged grinch, but I did what needed to be done to things that are so sickeningly cute and festive.

I commited mass marshmallow murder.

I love how a gnarled hunk of Mrs. Claus’ remaining head remains atop her neck. That’s what she gets for offering me home made gingerbread cookies. bitch.

Merry Christmas!

Supreme Snack Serenity

Posted on November 7, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Some people consider inhaling the cold, crisp, fresh air after hiking up a mountain invigorating. Others find a day at the spa for a deep tissue massage rejuvenating. When you’re dealing with a low expectations motherf–ker such as myself, a bag of Combos squirted with a new flavor is quite a magnificent experience. The odds of actually enjoying the new flavor variety joining the Combo ranks was 3,720 to 1. Usually with any new flavor of any type of food, i’m left disappointed after realizing that it’s nowhere near as good as the hype lead me to believe. In this case, new Combos Zesty Salsa Tortilla flavor left me salivating for more.

I bought them to snack on while waiting for my flight to Orlando to board. I killed almost the entire bag! It seems pretty disgusting, I know, but I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch that day so it’s all good. The typical pretzel is replaced with a crunchy stone ground corn shell which surrounds an accurate and super tasty salsa filling. This new variety really expands on the idea of the traditional Combos and it’s sooo the right move. I guess what I’m trying to say is…if I can change, and Combos can change, everybody can change!

The festive special edition holiday versions of candy and other snacks have been hitting shelves for the past few weeks. Just last night at the local Wegman’s, I found these Giant Size JOLLY NERDS and they are ridiculously and phenomenally awesome. As if GIANT, and CHEWY didn’t sum it up adequately, JOLLY puts it over the top like Lincoln Hawk. I hope I sound like a cliched commercial when I say that these luscious, chewy, and jolly Nerds really burst with flavor. (understatement) The magic of this Wonka offering is that the crunchy outer NERD shell contrasts perfectly with the chewy center. Out of the holiday colors, I preferred the red NERD’s, but after you eat a bunch of them, it’s almost impossible to discern any differences between the red and green.

Here is my work of modern art which I call “NERDY Napkin Face.” He’s really that happy. There’s no signs of party pooper Pagliacci reflected in this piece of art. He’s not downtrodden because he’s being called a NERD! This piece of candy is clearly 100% JOLLY.

OK, so I’ll admit that I didn’t really make this piece of art myself. The NERDS came right out of the bag and danced around forming a smiley face on my napkin. They are that damn good. The only candy comparable to these are those gummy blackberries and raspberries. Now those are one of the few candies that I can overdose on! These NERDS are light years beyond them though. If only life was like the Jetsons and I could get an entire nutritious meal out of ONE CHEWY, JOLLY NERD! That would be some amazing feat! People would be dancing in the streets if they found out they only needed to eat a pellet of chewy, jolly NERDS in order to stay healthy. When it comes to the blissful, elated feeling that overcomes me after eating them, the chewy, Jolly NERDS are basically unparalleled.

Reese’s Special Edition Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Bat

Posted on October 31, 2008 by sexyarmpit

This dark chocolate Reese’s was a leftover from July when cereal, snacks, and candy were proudly and temporarily branded with BATMAN. All Bat-fans snatched up their preferred bat-snacks at grocery store. I grabbed some fruit snacks and fruit roll ups among other stuff. Although, one item I never got a chance to write about during the Dark Knight Countdown, was the Special Edition Reese’s Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Bat. During July, every blogger who’s worth reading was posting about Dark Knight related candy and other bat-junk. I didn’t feel too motivated to bring it up, but on Halloween kids will be dragging home 400+ lb bags of candy so it’s definitely appropriate. Hopefully they won’t be ripping into 4 month old candy like I’m about to do!

This Reese’s offering let me down. It’s touted as being shaped like a bat, but it’s a piss poor bat if you ask me. I’m sure they’re gunning for a Star Wars “special edition” Reese’s because they’ll already have the mold for the TIE fighter. I shouldn’t complain because I’m happy with anything Batman related. Except that insane gummy bat that was released! Who the hell wants to eat an anatomically correct gummy bat?

If there was an election between milk choclate and dark chocolate, I’d be a staunch dark chocolate supporter. With that said, I was surprised at how indifferent I felt after taking my first bite of this “Special Edition” Reese’s bat. The “dark” chocolate tasted merely like milk chocolate infused with a dark chocolate flavoring. When one part of the Reese’s doesn’t taste exactly like the original reeses peanut butter cup (full size…not the bite size ones, they suck) then the entire taste of it will be a little off. I had a similar complaint back when I tried the Reese’s Elvis peanut butter cups. The banana outer shell did not jive well with the cup’s filling. The Reese’s bat is an awesome idea that deserves high marks, but the outer shell lacked a true dark chocolate flavor.

There’s still a load of Bat candy on the shelves, but I’m glad I put this in my kitchen cabinet because the Reese’s Dark Chocolate Bat seems to have done a disappearing act. If I was a kid trick or treating this year, any candy with Batman on the wrapper would be bumped up to my “best candy” pile.

Halloween Simplicity in 1987

Posted on October 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

October 31st, 1987

Every year for Halloween I wanted to go as Dracula. It was actually beneficial for my mom since it made the whole “getting a costume” process fairly simple. I told her that I would make the medallion to hang around my neck, and do my own makeup. She held up her end of the bargain by getting me those crazy Dracula teeth and a cape. If my memory serves me correctly I milked the Dracula thing for a few years. In the years between I dressed as He-Man, Don Mattingly of the Yankees, and Indiana Jones. As a kid, I never felt the need to have an elaborate costume that took a month to plan and execute. I never had the patience or the motivation for that. Halloween was supposed to be fun and spooky, I wasn’t training to be a costume designer on a Luc Besson film! Halloween should be about watching horror movies, and eating candy…plain and simple!

As a ninja, my friend Greg (on the left) had an even easier time with his costume than me. But again, it didn’t matter because we had fun every year prowling around the entire neighborhood. From after school until it was dark, we wrung the town dry of all it’s candy.

Also check out: Halloween 1981

Pumpkin Orgasm, I’m Not Faking It!

Posted on October 16, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Eating this Russell Stover milk chocolate orange marshmallow pumpkin was a strange moment in my life.

A close friend of mine codename: Ace Johnson recently posted a comment on my MySpace page that said “Jay loves pumpkin orgasms in his mouth.” I can’t deny it. I’m in a marshmallow pumpkin state of mind. This marshmallow happens to have used spray on tan. So what?

Occasionally a certain food or drink does something in your mouth that’s unexpected. Unless you try new food and beverages every day, it’s nearly impossible to be surprised by foods or feel like your presence has been altered by them in some way. A cheeseburger tastes like a cheesburger every time you enjoy one. Each time you eat a burger you know what to expect unless it’s on a different type of roll, has fruit roll-ups on it instead of lettuce, or it’s slathered in some special sauce that you have never tasted. The experience is usually pretty similar to the previous.

If you can say that your mouth has engaged in a sexual experience with a marshmallow pumpkin on more than one occasion, then that’s definitely something you’d want to Twitter.

I’m sure you hear about a lot of new products hitting the shelves. There’s new sodas that have lime infusions, or vanilla flavoring. There’s even new potato chips that taste like baby back ribs, while others have guacamole flavoring. In my time on earth I don’t recall ever hearing about a chocolate covered pumpkin that featured orange flavored marshmallow filling. Someone on LSD must’ve thought this combo up. It makes sense though…a pumpkin is orange, hence the marshmallow inside the choclate pumpkin should taste…ORANGEY! I found my previous interaction with a chocolate marshmallow pumpkin to be quite enjoyable regardless of the fact that the actual pumpkin looked more like a shit dumpling than a pumpkin. Rest assured, Russell Stover has presented a more accurate choco-pumpkin than the non-orange Hershey’s counterpart. They should be proud!

I sliced into the well formed choco-pumpkin with a semi sharp knife, as not to bruise the dainty treat. BEHOLD! Inside lies the most ooey-gooey bright orange marshmallow filling EVER!

It was time to do what I always do when I come in close contact with a chocolate pumpkin that has orange marshmallow filling, why that would be lick it up and down to make sure I can capture the flavor properly…of course!

I can’t believe what you’re thinking right now, you sick fuck!

Doesn’t it just SCREAM: EAT ME, BITCH!

I follow that up with a circular motion and then I do some fancy moves that Gene Simmons taught me. The pumpkin was so into it. I said to my little orange pumpkin “I know you like that you’re a little nasty choco pumpkin aren’t you? Naturally, it was delighted and begged and pleaded for me to insert itself further into my mouth.

Sinking my teeth into the soft, wet, mushy, orange center was a delight. Having the chocolate crumble into and mash together with the fluffy orangeshmallow while it was being chomped about felt like a flavor mushroom cloud exploding right inside my mouth.

Chocolate…
Pumpkin…
Wet…

orangeshmallow…

Oooohhhhh….

BOOM!
Explosion…

It was a strange moment in my life.

And I didn’t fake it.

Man on a Marshmallow Mission: Pumpkins and Pals Beware!

Posted on October 9, 2008 by sexyarmpit

When you hear the term “Man on a Mission,” I’m 99.9% sure that the former WWF trio of Mabel, Oscar, and Mo doesn’t spring immediately to your mind. A man on a mission is ME when I’m in the grocery store, or any store for that matter.

“I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda”
Shannon Hamilton (Ben Affleck) “The Asshole from Fashionable Male” – Mallrats

I’d hate to fall into the category of a person who is respected by Shannon from Mallrats, but, yes I usually have a shopping agenda. I don’t quite live in a bustling city like Manhattan, but the traffic and headaches here are sometimes just as easy to come by. Going to some of the grocery stores and superstores like Target and Wal-Mart drives me nuts. It’s rarely a pleasant experience even though I’d like it to be. On one occasion, I drove to Wal-Mart for a poster frame and then realized there’s no good parking spots, carts are banging into cars, and when I finally got a spot, someone tried starting shit with me saying it was their spot. This isn’t even the holidays!

Once in the store, I become the Terminator and set my infrared sights to pinpoint exactly what I came to get. Oh, who am I kidding? I get sidetracked so easily. Seeing Batman Underoos stops me in my tracks. I think if I had the money I’d just buy anything with my favorite characters on it. After spending an hour and probably somewhere in the range of $100, I realize I need to get the fuck out or suffer more monetary and mental damage. I’m sure I also had some irreparable damage to my ear drums considering it’s so damn loud in these stores with all of the screaming, crying, whiny kids. I love kids, truthfully, but they go ballistic if you don’t tell them you’ll buy them every thing in the store.

Even when I’m at a higher level store like Wegmans, difficulties still hinder me from shopping with ease. When the hell are grocery stores going to hire a traffic cop and build shopping cart highways? So many people have no idea how to handle a shopping cart. Some folks are actual adults and senior citizens believe it or not! You’d think they’d be experts at handling themselves in a store after shopping for 40 some odd years. People don’t move when they see others trying to get through, and certain people think that NO ONE IS EVER BEHIND THEM! Go a little bit faster people! You don’t have to run the New York City Marathon or anything, but damn, not everyone is retired and taking leisurely strolls through stores “just to see what pops out at them.” Remember, get out of my way…I’m on a mission!

When I actually made my way through all the congestion and literally cursed my way through the fresh baked bread line, I finally attempted check out. This part is the biggest joke ever. Not only have I actually seen a person almost get kicked out of the store because they went to the 10 items or less line with well over 10 items, but a middle aged angry woman cut in front of me in line and then yelled at me saying “I was next…you can’t cut in front of me!” Just get me out of this hellish place! These people are out of their minds. I just need to buy my Marshmallow Monsters, and a couple of friggin’ chocolate pumpkins and get my ass out of here!

A few days ago I finally decided to try Hershey’s milk chocolate covered marshmallow pumpkin. I think I had a brainfart because when I got home I realized I thought I bought the Reese’s pumpkins, but I was happy I didn’t…at least my health was. These Hershey’s pumpkins aren’t that bad for you so you won’t feel too guilty indulging. Even us “adults” need to relish in some Halloween candy once in a while. I haven’t trick or treated in about 16 years so this will have to suffice. Making it through the store excursions alive was scary enough.

I tore open the package to see a hunk of chocolate that did not resemble a pumpkin, more like a half a fig covered in chocolate. It didn’t matter though, because once my teeth ripped into the soft marshmallow center I was sold. The pumpkin was tasty, I must say. The marshmallow filling was actually quite smooth and more on the creamy side. It wasn’t that styrofoamy type of marshmallow you get in a Moon Pie or Scooter Pie, this had substance. The texture and taste was pretty close to that of Fluff.

If you are the type of person who watches what they eat, then I highly recommend the Hershey’s marshmallow pumpkin as treat for Halloween. I didn’t see a dark chocolate version in the store, which I would’ve rather had but with 3.5 grams of fat and NO cholesterol, you won’t feel too guilty.

Hand made Marshmallow Pals are my new best friends! I don’t remember seeing a package of “hand made” candy in a long time. I picked these up at a $5 Below store, who always seem to have tons of candy. As it turns out, there was several different varieties of “hand made” candy in the store but the Marshmallow Pals really caught my eye. They had that special something. At first glance I knew these were going to be mine. Inside the individually wrapped packages were Frankenstein, Dracula, The Witch, and we’ll call him Mr. Pumpkin. They were all happy to finally get a breath of fresh air after spending so much time wrapped in their cellophane.

They looked so appetizing, especially Dracula and Frankenstein for some reason. I was impressed by the details like the semi-hard icing that made up the hair on the witch and Drac, Frankie’s bolts, and the pumpkin’s vine. Admiring those details didn’t last very long since I beheaded all of them! The Marshmallow Pals basically tasted like Peeps but these seemed a bit sweeter, possibly from the aforementioned hard icing.

Sorry I ate you my little mavericky Marshmallow Pals! And now that I can’t hear, I have no money, and my eyes are crossing thanks to all the bright lights and cool shit…it’s finally time to go home and enjoy the rest of my booty.

Batman Pez Dispensers

Posted on July 6, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Everyone I know seems to be candy crazy. I was never obsessed with sweets and I rarely go on sugar frenzies. Although I must say I do enjoy Reese’s cups, Snickers, 3 Musketeers, and peppermint patties every now and then. I definitely opt for a chocolate bar over a sugary candy like sweet tarts or airheads. I also have a disdain for anything too chewy or with a “gummy” prefix although the gummy raspberries and blackberries with the crunchies on the outside are highly enjoyable.

Throughout my life, Pez weren’t the most accessible candy out there. I couldn’t go to the nearest convenience store and pick up Pez. In my area of N.J they were readily available at toy stores and rarely anywhere else unless it was a holiday. Christmas and Valentine’s day brings Pez out to many stores in full force.

Pez were always a candy that I discovered every few months as a kid. I remember that I would keep my pez dispensers in a mini drawer in my closet. Whenever I broke out all my toys I’d open up my mini drawer and get my Pez paraphenalia ready to rock. In there I had stockpiled unwrapped pez candy that were waiting to be loaded into one of my many dispensers.

You can imagine how odd Pez tasted after a year or two even if they were still wrapped in their original package. I don’t think I realized that they probably went bad after a while. Regardless, I’d load the Pez candy into the Hulk head or the Snoopy head and then start popping them into my mouth like mad. I then realized how stale they were. They were fairly hard, I’m lying…they were break your teeth hard. They were also a bit hollow for some reason. But they still tasted like classic Pez pellets and aside from their stale state, they still had their unmistakable classic Pez flavor. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the actual candy but I still have many of my original dispensers.

Here are the Batman dispensers I’ve gathered throughout the years. They go in order of when I got them. The oldest on the left I got when I was about 8 years old! You can see the changes to the mold and the color modifications. The blue color changes slightly from the 1st dispenser to the 2nd and it’s not just old age, they actually have slightly different blue tones. The first one is probably my favorite because it’s classic but if the last two were combined! Holy Nightmare! The last one’s head sculpt is reminiscent of the comic book Batman. Switching the last dispenser’s navy blue for black would make one heck of a perfect Bat-Pez dispenser!

**After scanning Bat-Blog, I noticed there’s a new set of Batman Pez dispensers that have been released that include Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, and a Batman with a gray body and the same head as the last dispenser pictured here. These are such nice sculpts and are a Bat-fans wet dream!

Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea Mints

Posted on June 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

It’s been so blazingly hot here in New Jersey that my writing powers were slowly depleting until I found some inspiration from a package of mints. I found these Ice Breakers Sugar Free Lemon Iced Tea flavored mints while on line at the grocery store. Iced Tea has always been my favorite beverage…that is…whenever I run out of everclear.

As far as I know, Fresca, prune juice, and Kaopectate are NOT the official drinks of suburbia. I would say the reigning king of libations in suburbia especially in the’80s was Kool-Aid, but in my household it was most definitely Iced Tea. If anyone ranging from a friend to a washing machine repair man walked into my house, my mom offered them iced tea as if they were homeless and hadn’t had any liquid pass through their bodies in a decade. Of course the hospitality never ended there but as it pertains to this article, if we compared the scenario to a religious ceremony iced tea was the liquid of the Gods. To the shock and outrage of many people, I’m not a big fan of bread which renders me “staff of life deficient,” so I must compensate with plenty of Iced Tea.

As for gum, I don’t chew Ice Breakers that often because I don’t really need little mint crystals in my gum. I do enjoy mints and seeing this fine product hit the shelves only made me realize there’s a lack of beverage flavored mints. Although, when the revolution of drink based breath fresheners does commence, I pray mints all over the world model their flavors off of these. Then take cover because mouth explosions will take place everywhere.

These Lemon Iced Tea mints bear a surprisingly accurate taste to the real thing. Plus, any product that boasts “Ultimate Mouth Freshening” must be pretty damn effective. I think part of me really enjoyed these because they aren’t just a run of the mill mint with a typical flavor. I commend Ice Breakers for taking a chance on a cool new flavor while keeping them sugar free. It also doesn’t hurt that they remind me of the old style certs. Has anyone tried these yet?

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Posted on February 16, 2008 by sexyarmpit

In the spirit of not letting this site become a candy review blog, I’d like to tell you that I don’t have much faith in the new candy that’s getting released after eating these new atrocious Chocolate Mix Skittles. I would rather have my face dragged across the blacktop of the New Jersey Turnpike while my feet are tied to the back of a dump truck carrying horse manure than eat these horrid shit pellets.