Wegman's Archives - Sludge Central

Blue, Blue Wine!

Posted on August 29, 2012 by sexyarmpit

F*ck politics. The Sexy Armpit is no place for politics, although it’s appropriate that I mention that New Jersey is a blue state. We’re not just a blue state because of our democratic leanings, but also because we’re known for our blueberries. In the song “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant,” Billy Joel sings about “a bottle of red, a bottle of white,” but what if Billy was feeling patriotic and wanted to cap off his bender with a bottle of blue? Jersey Wine can make that happen with their Blueberry wine which I picked up the other day and tried it with Miss Sexy Armpit.

I’m far from a wine drinker, but I’m totally a sucker for gimmicks. For those of us who aren’t into wine, Chianti or Pinot Noir doesn’t mean a damn thing, but show me a variety of fruit flavors and I might just fall for it. The liquor store at the local Wegman’s had a display of Jersey Wine which is made from Jersey grown grapes, or in this case blueberries. Out of the various flavors and varieties staring back at me, I went for the blueberry since it was a flavor of wine that I’ve never tasted. I’ve had cherry and several others, but they’re all too sweet for me nowadays. Not sure why I thought blueberry would be any different, but I wanted to support the local wine company.

After bringing the bottle home, we let it chill in the fridge for a few days since that’s what the label instructs. Last night it was time for the taste test. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t going to be a life changing experience, but I figured it was worth a shot. It was merely a coincidence that Miss Sexy Armpit had a new glass that she wanted to christen. What better way for her to taste this fruity concoction than in this hand painted Jersey Girl wine glass by Lolita that her mom found at Macy’s!

On my first sip, the blueberry flavor was prominent, but so was the sweetness. The taste wasn’t overly sweet, but it was still a few levels too sweet for my liking. It lacked any bite which was nice, but drinking one small glass was quite enough for me. The fruit flavor would be good for a mixed drink, but the problem is that blueberry is a novelty flavor and isn’t used much in mixed drinks, or elsewhere, so I don’t see it taking the world by storm. It’s probably best used as an after dinner drink. If you enjoy blueberry and prefer your wine sweet, then I recommend this, but otherwise I’d pick up one of their more mainstream varieties. If you want something with more kick, another alternative is to buy the Jersey Wine Chianti and make the Jersey Girls drink that’s painted on the bottom of the wine glass:

The Jersey Girl Wine Glass is available at this link via Designs by Lolita

(A Martini glass is also available.)

Upstate Farms Intense Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk

Posted on November 11, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I don’t scream for ice cream, I sort of give a half-assed whimper. Considering all the junk food and candy that I talk about here at the Armpit, I’m actually not a big fan dessert or candy. If I have to choose a dessert, I enjoy simple stuff like milk and cookies. Not surprisingly, chocolate chip cookies are one of my favorites, and if they’re homemade I like them even more. But when you’re dealing with a strange guy like me, it can never be that easy. Milk and cookies aren’t much work to whip up, but not in my case. I like my chocolate chip cookies homemade, and WITHOUT the chocolate chips! To me they just interfere with my favorite part of the cookie.

Amongst my profusion of hangups, quirks, and pet peeves, I also loathe the chips of chocolate in Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. The funny part is, I’m not a chocolate hater, it’s just that the chips ultimately get in the way of my enjoyment of the dessert. The chips in mint chocolate chip ice cream always get stuck in my teeth and it’s super annoying. I’d like to enjoy the chocolate but I can’t because it makes a pit stop in my molars and doesn’t come out until I brush my teeth. If I could just get the pastel green mint ice cream sans the chocolate chips, I’d be a pig in shit. The only way I could take it to the next level is if I had mint (remember: no chocolate chips) in “soft ice cream” form rather than “hard.”

When I was a kid I remember telling my sister that I liked letting my ice cream turn into “soup.” Once my ice cream liquefied I would just drink it right out of the bowl. Drinkable ice cream was my favorite, and still is. I even like to let my ICEE’s and Slurpee’s melt so I could get the prime flavor of the syrup without the minuscule ice pellets getting in the way and freezing my brain. To sum up what you’ve just read: I like my Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream melted and without chocolate chips in it.

On my weekly trip to Wegman’s, I was waiting in line to check out but got distracted by a plastic bottle of green liquid in a refrigerated section near the exit. Wegman’s has an extra dairy section at the front of the store for convenience, in case you don’t feel like running all the way to the back of the store just to grab a gallon of milk. I grabbed the “Intense” Mint Chip flavor by Upstate Farms immediately as if I was the only person who knew this treasure was on the shelf!

Aside from name dropping their own brand name about 62 times, (Intense!) the label on the back of the bottle describes the drink as “…a creamy and indulgent drink…” Then the label goes on to say “This is the drink of choice for the mint chip ice cream lover on the go.” It’s fairly awesome that they’re actually marketing a drink to a group of people known as “mint chip ice cream lovers.” I never realized I was part of that demographic, but I like it! The Intense Mint Chip contains the typical benefits of milk such as vitamins and protein, but unfortunately has 35 MG’s of cholesterol in case you’d rather not have a heart attack.

Intense Mint Chip is the type of drink you want to sip on a crisp moonlit night while you’re rolling down the highway as the street lights are streaking past you like your in light speed and the stereo is blasting Laura Branigan’s “Self Control.” It doesn’t matter that you’re sipping milk…you still feel really cool. Trust me.

Considering how exalted the Mint Chip flavor is, the Orange Scream can’t come close to its greatness. Think of the Intense Orange Scream as the sub par sequel, or the redheaded stepchild of the Intense milk family. Upstate Farms falls short with their Orange Scream, which is yet another failed attempt at creating the classic orange cream flavor. (Sunkist also failed recently with their miserable orange cream float.) One of the major strikes against Orange Scream is that it substitutes what’s supposed to be a nondescript “cream” flavor for a strong vanilla flavor. The cream shouldn’t necessarily be defined as “vanilla” because then it has the chance to overpower the orange flavor. The vanilla flavor may be forgiven if it isn’t a true “vanilla bean” flavor since a regular “no frills” vanilla would work better. There’s an exact balance of orange and cream flavor that needs to be perfected to achieve orange cream paradise. On a positive note, unlike the mint chip, the orange scream is creamy yet still low fat. Its label is pretty exciting or should I say…INTENSE! Even though I didn’t enjoy their Orange Scream formula, I have to hand it to Upstate Farms just for their sheer variety of offerings such as Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, Cookies and Cream, and Mocha Java. Now all us Star Wars fans need is an “Intense Blue: A New Hope Special Edition Milk.” I hear it’s going to be high in midichlorians. Come on, where’s the freakin marketing people now? Can I get some kickbacks for that?

Man on a Marshmallow Mission: Pumpkins and Pals Beware!

Posted on October 9, 2008 by sexyarmpit

When you hear the term “Man on a Mission,” I’m 99.9% sure that the former WWF trio of Mabel, Oscar, and Mo doesn’t spring immediately to your mind. A man on a mission is ME when I’m in the grocery store, or any store for that matter.

“I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda”
Shannon Hamilton (Ben Affleck) “The Asshole from Fashionable Male” – Mallrats

I’d hate to fall into the category of a person who is respected by Shannon from Mallrats, but, yes I usually have a shopping agenda. I don’t quite live in a bustling city like Manhattan, but the traffic and headaches here are sometimes just as easy to come by. Going to some of the grocery stores and superstores like Target and Wal-Mart drives me nuts. It’s rarely a pleasant experience even though I’d like it to be. On one occasion, I drove to Wal-Mart for a poster frame and then realized there’s no good parking spots, carts are banging into cars, and when I finally got a spot, someone tried starting shit with me saying it was their spot. This isn’t even the holidays!

Once in the store, I become the Terminator and set my infrared sights to pinpoint exactly what I came to get. Oh, who am I kidding? I get sidetracked so easily. Seeing Batman Underoos stops me in my tracks. I think if I had the money I’d just buy anything with my favorite characters on it. After spending an hour and probably somewhere in the range of $100, I realize I need to get the fuck out or suffer more monetary and mental damage. I’m sure I also had some irreparable damage to my ear drums considering it’s so damn loud in these stores with all of the screaming, crying, whiny kids. I love kids, truthfully, but they go ballistic if you don’t tell them you’ll buy them every thing in the store.

Even when I’m at a higher level store like Wegmans, difficulties still hinder me from shopping with ease. When the hell are grocery stores going to hire a traffic cop and build shopping cart highways? So many people have no idea how to handle a shopping cart. Some folks are actual adults and senior citizens believe it or not! You’d think they’d be experts at handling themselves in a store after shopping for 40 some odd years. People don’t move when they see others trying to get through, and certain people think that NO ONE IS EVER BEHIND THEM! Go a little bit faster people! You don’t have to run the New York City Marathon or anything, but damn, not everyone is retired and taking leisurely strolls through stores “just to see what pops out at them.” Remember, get out of my way…I’m on a mission!

When I actually made my way through all the congestion and literally cursed my way through the fresh baked bread line, I finally attempted check out. This part is the biggest joke ever. Not only have I actually seen a person almost get kicked out of the store because they went to the 10 items or less line with well over 10 items, but a middle aged angry woman cut in front of me in line and then yelled at me saying “I was next…you can’t cut in front of me!” Just get me out of this hellish place! These people are out of their minds. I just need to buy my Marshmallow Monsters, and a couple of friggin’ chocolate pumpkins and get my ass out of here!

A few days ago I finally decided to try Hershey’s milk chocolate covered marshmallow pumpkin. I think I had a brainfart because when I got home I realized I thought I bought the Reese’s pumpkins, but I was happy I didn’t…at least my health was. These Hershey’s pumpkins aren’t that bad for you so you won’t feel too guilty indulging. Even us “adults” need to relish in some Halloween candy once in a while. I haven’t trick or treated in about 16 years so this will have to suffice. Making it through the store excursions alive was scary enough.

I tore open the package to see a hunk of chocolate that did not resemble a pumpkin, more like a half a fig covered in chocolate. It didn’t matter though, because once my teeth ripped into the soft marshmallow center I was sold. The pumpkin was tasty, I must say. The marshmallow filling was actually quite smooth and more on the creamy side. It wasn’t that styrofoamy type of marshmallow you get in a Moon Pie or Scooter Pie, this had substance. The texture and taste was pretty close to that of Fluff.

If you are the type of person who watches what they eat, then I highly recommend the Hershey’s marshmallow pumpkin as treat for Halloween. I didn’t see a dark chocolate version in the store, which I would’ve rather had but with 3.5 grams of fat and NO cholesterol, you won’t feel too guilty.

Hand made Marshmallow Pals are my new best friends! I don’t remember seeing a package of “hand made” candy in a long time. I picked these up at a $5 Below store, who always seem to have tons of candy. As it turns out, there was several different varieties of “hand made” candy in the store but the Marshmallow Pals really caught my eye. They had that special something. At first glance I knew these were going to be mine. Inside the individually wrapped packages were Frankenstein, Dracula, The Witch, and we’ll call him Mr. Pumpkin. They were all happy to finally get a breath of fresh air after spending so much time wrapped in their cellophane.

They looked so appetizing, especially Dracula and Frankenstein for some reason. I was impressed by the details like the semi-hard icing that made up the hair on the witch and Drac, Frankie’s bolts, and the pumpkin’s vine. Admiring those details didn’t last very long since I beheaded all of them! The Marshmallow Pals basically tasted like Peeps but these seemed a bit sweeter, possibly from the aforementioned hard icing.

Sorry I ate you my little mavericky Marshmallow Pals! And now that I can’t hear, I have no money, and my eyes are crossing thanks to all the bright lights and cool shit…it’s finally time to go home and enjoy the rest of my booty.

Supermarket Sweep

Posted on January 10, 2007 by sexyarmpit

I was walking around Wegman’s last night and decided to pick up a few things that caught my eye. I’m always on the lookout for obscure food products and I definitely found some. My first aquisition was Saranac’s Shirley Temple Flavored Soft Drink. With 50 carbs, 50 grams of sugar, and not alot of carbonation, this soda is super sweet and will undoubtedly give you Hyperglycemia. It tastes truly amazingly like a Shirley Temple, and it goes down really smooth. I used to get crap as a kid for ordering Shirley Temples and I never understood why until someone told me that I was supposed to be ordering a Roy Roger. I only knew Roy Roger’s as a western style fast food chain. Who cares if I ordered Shirley Temples wherever there was a bar, they tasted awesome. I even got a little older and started concocting my own at home with grenadine and soda. Now I can have my own pre-made ST in a neat glass bottle and worship at the Temple of Shirley.

Second pickup on my Supermarket Sweep was Wegman’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Ice Cream. It’s awful for you, but it’s smooth and delicious for my tummy. There were other brands that made this ice cream flavor but this was the only one I found locally. Ben and Jerry has this listed in their flavor graveyard. Apparently is was only around for a spell and died sometime in the late ’90s. I guess I’m pretty late on the mark. According to Blue Bell Ice Cream’s website, they make the flavor as well. Either way, the combo of the peanut butter ice cream with swirled grape jelly is awesome and worth trying.