Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing (Jack Elam) and the young photographer Pamela (Farrah Fawcett) are in the back of the ambulance. We assume that Dr. Van Helsing administered some sort of drug to Pam since she’s babbling and giggling as he formulates a tall tale to the police about her having cysts on her lungs that require urgent care in L.A, but only via a cross country drive, not a flight.
GREAT GEEK GORGE #7
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I can’t claim that I’ve read every single OZ book like our friend Pax at Cavalcade of Awesome, but I’ve been a huge fan of the OZ films since I was a little kid. The Wizard of OZ and Return to OZ have always been a couple of my favorite films of all time. I was also fortunate enough to see Return to OZ at Radio City Music Hall when it first came out for a Disney Summer Magic Spectacular which was an incredible day at Radio City in New York. So, I was pumped when I heard a prequel was coming out. I fought the wintry weather in Jersey and headed to theater with great anticipation.
I was looking forward to seeing if this talented cast could pull of some magic of their own. They did indeed. With the directorial efforts of Sam Raimi, they did what I never thought was possible by bringing an awesome OZ film to the big screen.The key aspect that was a major element for me is if they could make me feel like I was watching a movie that was presented on a grand scale. During the film I was truly sucked into the world of OZ, albeit one that was fully fleshed out with CGI and not made up of painted backdrops. The effects were fantastic and they weren’t overdone to the point where everything looked fake. There was fantasy, scares, and a lot of jokes. There was also many nods to the original film, most importantly for me was to see how the movie would transition from B&W to color. They didn’t go for the sepia tone that is used early on in The Wizard of Oz, but the B&W contrasted even better with the vibrant world of OZ.
The cast was strong and each actor brought an authentic performance. *Spoiler* I wanted to love Mila Kunis in the role of the Wicked Witch, but I had a hard time buying her as a demonic looking evil witch since we are used to seeing her as a sweetheart as in movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall and even when she’s a materialistic airhead like Jackie in That ’70s Show. I felt like her role would’ve had more impact if she didn’t look like a demon. Apparently, from what I’ve read, they weren’t allowed to use the specific green color makeup used on Margaret Hamilton, but if Kunis’ makeup was a little more natural looking, it may have worked better, but I’m still satisfied with the result. Also, I’m not sure if Kunis recorded the Witch’s cackle or not, but it was pretty dead on.
Aside from the standout performances by James Franco as Oz himself and Michelle Williams as Glinda, the highlights of the film is the Garden Stater Zach Braff as Frank and OZ’s sidekick Finley the flying monkey and Joey King as China Girl. Also mentioned prominently is that OTHER Wizard who Oz admired…”The Wizard of Menlo Park, NJ,” Thomas Edison! New Jersey was represented well in this film and that was genuinely cool since I didn’t expect there to be any NJ love coming from the magical land of OZ. Even better news is that thanks to a strong opening weekend, supposedly a sequel is already being formulated at Disney.
Marvel Alliance Action Figures
In past installments of this sporadic column, I’ve warned myself not to get into collecting another series of collectibles, but in this case I was powerless. Many of you know me as a DC guy, but I’m not against Marvel in any way. As a kid I was a huge fan of the Secret Wars figure line. Come to think of it, I always use Secret Wars, Star Wars, and Super Powers as the measuring stick for all other action figures.
I haven’t been collecting toys and figures as much as I used to since it’s all getting too expensive. But on a recent trip to Target for my niece’s birthday I ran into a sweet Punisher figure from the Marvel Alliance series. Also, for my birthday Miss Sexy Armpit got me Black Widow and Ghost Rider from this line.
These 3.75 inch figures are way overpriced at around $9.99, but the whole series is sculpted with much detail and they are meticulously painted, so they didn’t give me much of choice. We’ve come a long way from the Secret Wars line in terms of detail, but there was a sleekness and simplicity in those Mattel figures. Considering the size of these it feels like they were reaching out to me telepathically claiming “We’re the modern day equivalent to Secret Wars…COME PLAY WITH US!”
Cracker Jack’d “Snacks With Impact”
Has anyone ever told you that you have a serious impulse control problem? Why yes Riddler, I’ve been told that many times. In fact, I told myself that at Hess Express on Saturday when I bought two bags of new Cracker Jack’d snacks. I must say, the branding is what made me curious enough to take the shot at buying them. If I didn’t have fond memories as a kid of eating Cracker Jacks that my Dad bought me I don’t think I would’ve give these new Jacks a second thought.
After tearing into the Chocolate Mocha bites first, I really enjoyed the flavor. These are little chocolate covered nuggets of what almost has the interior texture of chocolate crunchies from an ice cream cake or some wafer-like cookie, but with a flavor of strong coffee, like an espresso. These little bites also contain real coffee beans and are caffeinated. The problem with them is that due to the chocolate they are pretty high in fat. If you don’t care about that then I recommend these because they are tasty. I actually did feel the effects from the caffeine whereas a few other reviewers around the Internet claimed they didn’t get even a minor caffeine buzz. There’s also a vanilla mocha flavor which I didn’t see at the store or else I would’ve picked it up.
As for the other bag, the Spicy Pizzeria flavor (Intense Mix) were pretty mundane. There’s a bunch of pretzel type bits in the bag along with a bunch of other random and nondescript pieces of other snacks or nuts dusted with Pizza flavoring. The flavoring is questionable. It’s definitely not reminiscent of pizza flavoring from Combos or Keebler Pizzarias unfortunately. Pass on this one.
Doritos Jacked Ranch Dipped Hot Wings
Skip these. Just skip them as furiously as possible. If I had the time traveling means of Bill & Ted I would’ve had my past self to visit me in the present day at the local Target to warn me NOT to buy these silly things. They “Jacked” Doritos are masquerading as real Doritos when in fact they are a completely different and extremely less enjoyable tortilla chip. The flavor varieties are great, but they don’t pull them off well. I didn’t find the ranch dipped hot wings to taste authentic at all. The hot wings OR ranch flavor didn’t really hit me. As I stated in my last post about these, they are too large. I always find myself having to break them into pieces to actually eat them. In addition, they are too hard and too crunchy. If you’re the type of person who loves snacks that have the potential to break your teeth, then get these, but they should not exist as Doritos. You can never go wrong with the regular line of Doritos. The Jacked should cease to exist.
HOLD THE JELLO!! STILES IS FROM JERSEY!
I should’ve known all along. The outlandish friend. That guy who brings the party everywhere he goes. You know him. He has an endless array of witty comments, an infinite collection of quippy t-shirts, and he’s a legendary urban surfer. A guy with that description must be from New Jersey. Reason being – if he was from California he wouldn’t have to surf on top of his best friend’s father’s hardware store delivery van. We all need a Larry Dallas type in our life. He’s the type of friend who pushes the limits. He helps us live life to the fullest. And he never has any money. Same with Stiles. In fact, we may think he was even an honorary Goonie at some point: “Never Say Die!”
Stiles was a character who we might never have been acquainted with if not for Damone and Spicoli from Fast Times. More modern, a bit more refined, Stiles was a hero amongst many of us kids when Teen Wolf came out. Sure Scott Howard was cool, but Stiles had that natural charisma. He had the cool shades, the funny story about the shop teacher, and the always chic “What Are You Looking At Dicknose” t-shirt.
Scott needed the wolf to be cool, while Stiles just acted whatever way he wanted to at any given moment. He didn’t care if people hated his red pants or if the whole basketball team viewed him as an annoyance and wondered why he was hanging out in their locker rooms after the games, even if he was supposedly just trying to score some cash. At parties, Stiles was the master of ceremonies. Or if Dana Barrett ran into him she might say “You don’t act like a zany best friend, more like a game show host…”
Stiles is the type of friend who goes to great lengths to bring you a keg…of beer. And these. He will also dump jello down a former Playboy Playmate’s shirt and make Chubby eat it all out. That sounds like bowls of fun. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with Stiles? In fact, we all probably have a friend like Stiles already. If you do, go right now and see if he needs help sniffing out his stash in the garage.
*Jerry Levine graduated Highland Park High School in Highland Park, NJ
*Thank MTV for making me specify “1985’s Teen Wolf.” Ridiculous! Cancel that shit.
Nerd Lunch Episode 73: It’s A Real Swashbuckler!
Judith Light is February’s Garden State Playmate
Born in Trenton, NJ, Judith Light was starring in TV shows well before she broke out with Who’s the Boss. In fact, all throughout the late ’70s and ’80s you could catch her on TV pretty much any day of the week. She appeared on One Life to Live, St. Elsewhere, Remington Steele, Kojak, and Family Ties.
One of her most well received performances was in the 1989 made-for-TV movie The Ryan White Story, about a 13 year old hemophiliac who contracted AIDS. In 1999, Light bravely took on the role in the off-Broadway show Wit where she shaved her head completely as she played a “literary academic dying of ovarian cancer” according to IMDB.
More recently, Light has appeared on Law and Order SVU, Ugly Betty, Nurse Jackie, and now you can catch her on one of my favorites…DALLAS! In the TNT reboot of the long running show, she plays Judith Ryland, the rotten and controlling mother (mother? really?) of the 2nd season’s villain.
*She attended St. Mary’s Hall in Burlington, NJ. (IMDB)
New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments 73: The Bounty Hunter
There’s wacky hijinks galore as the former Friend plays Nicole Hurley, a reporter who is targeted by her ex-husband and bounty hunter Milo Boyd (Gerard Butler.) Hurley jumped bail and Milo is pursuing her in order to gain a big pay day. In the mean time we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats to see if all this hot and heavy action will cause them to rekindle their romance.
Considering the abundance of New Jersey appearances, I still couldn’t bring myself to love this film. I definitely didn’t hate it either. It had some real potential to be a fun time, but it’s ulterior motive to be a rom-com is what keeps it from getting to the next level. It’s no surprise that I dozed off toward the end of the film, but I saw enough of it to make the assessment that it was steaming with mediocrity.
Butler does shine as Milo though. His snarky attitude and arrogant overtones work as a scoundrel, a Han Solo-type of guy. Butler brought Milo to life in a realistic way, but all gets weird when we see his macho bravado is all a front and he’s still actually in love with his ex-wife played by Jennifer Aniston. As Hurley, Aniston seems like she’d rather be sunbathing on some exotic beach getting photographed by hidden TMZ photographers. Even with that said, it’s hard not to like her…or LOVE her. Especially when she’s handcuffed to the bed. YUUUUP! That’s in the movie!
If you’re familiar with Jersey and you’ve seen the film, you probably noticed that the horse racing scene took place at Monmouth Park. The sequence pulled me out of the film because it was made to seem as if the race track was actually in Atlantic City and a line in the film confirms it. It makes more sense to the viewer, after all, but the filmmakers probably assumed most viewers had no idea that the Monmouth Park race track is over 80 miles away from Atlantic City. That’s easily overlooked.
Making up for any of the negatives here are some gorgeous shots of A.C. In fact, The Bounty Hunter contains probably the best modern-day footage of the Atlantic City shoreline in movies. Most of the films I’ve covered here at The Sexy Armpit that have depicted A.C are much older and America’s playground was clearly nowhere near as impressive as it is now. If only Jersey had nicer weather year-round, A.C would be as big of a travel destination as Las Vegas. Look out for scenes in the Taj Mahal, the White House Sub Shop, the boardwalk, the A.C Expressway, and numerous mentions of The Borgata.
To Live and Train In New Jersey: Pure Mixed Martial Arts and Fitness by Nick “NJ” Holden
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Whether you’re a lover or a fighter you’ll enjoy Nick “N.J” Holden’s
blow by blow tale of his mixed martial arts training in the Garden State by, Andy Main,
a former competitor on UFC’s Ultimate Fighter
“For mixed martial arts, whether it’s boxing, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, wrestling, etc., it’s important for the people coming in that they know they are learning from someone who’s done it, and for us, we have a following because of the experience.” Despite their youth, the Main brothers have extensive experience in the MMA field. Both Brazilian Jiu Jitsu brown belts, their lineage can be traced back to the world famous Gracie family in Brazil. Andy is a professional fighter holding a 6-1-1 (as of this writing) record. He has trained in boxing under Teddy Lucio and Hall of Famer Louis Esa as well as Muay Thai under numerous coaches such as Mike Constantino and Kemail Verhoeven. Before he was old enough to drive, Mikey has been competing and winning championship belts and gold medals in grappling tournaments such as the No-Gi Pan Americans, the Abu Dhabi Regionals, and the Renzo Gracie Invitational. He also scored the fastest submission victory in his second MMA fight in December of last year and plans to make fighting more of a priority in the years to come. Mikey’s road hasn’t been easy, despite having an accomplished brother in the sport, but he feels that starting at an early age gave him an advantage over other competitors.
“I started competing when I was just 15 years old. Back then teen divisions were very rare, so I was often forced into adult divisions. Being 15 years old and fighting grown up men required me to evolve at a very fast pace which is why I believe I’ve had as much success as I’ve had thus far.” PURE, located in Denville, prides itself on not being a mere learning center, but instilling a lifestyle on its students. Mikey said, “My philosophy on BJJ is that it is not just a hobby, it is a way of life. BJJ changes a person’s physical appearance which reflects in all other areas in a person’s life. An improvement in a person’s physique makes them more confident in work, school, etc. Also the ability to defend yourself brings a person more confidence in their everyday life.”
PURE’s class schedule takes place six days a week, from Monday to Saturday, usually during the evening when people fight through the Garden State’s various gridlocks. The class schedule offers Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (both gi and no gi, a gi being available to purchase at the school; additional gear can also be purchased there, such as hand wraps, gloves, etc.), fitness kickboxing, and striking/sparring; all classes are under the careful eye of the Main brothers, as explained by Mikey. “It is very rare to have two instructors teaching on the mat at all times. Basically our members are getting two for the price of one. Also, Andy and I are still active competitors and will be competing right alongside our students. Most instructors these days have retired from their competition career, but in my eyes, ours are just beginning. Also, we pay extremely close attention to our students’ progression. We do our best to be sure everyone is at the rank they rightfully should be.”
Andy’s take on PURE is this: “Right now, even though there are a lot of martial arts gyms in the area, there are zero gyms in the area that have a professional fighter as the head instructor…We are such strong believers in what we do, in the martial arts.” But both brothers have an equal hand in the day to day operations and are geared toward not capitalizing on a business opportunity, but to enlighten people on what Andy explains is more than just a school. “The goal is really to get people to really fall in love with the art and develop goals of their own, whether it’s to compete once, whether it’s to be a champion, whether it’s to fight once, to become an MMA fighter, whatever they want to do, it’s to be able to facilitate a career or just facilitate whatever the student needs in terms of good technique, good training, and the right mindset to reach those goals. And I think, and I believed this for a long time, that every single person is an individual. There are techniques that you learn that are universal, but everybody is going to do it a bit differently based on their body type, size, whatever. There’s going to be differences in every person that need to be catered to.” Both brothers have slightly different styles in terms of fighting and grappling, and both use that to better communicate with their students, a defining factor in their teaching philosophies. But one cannot deny that to train under both of these fighters is quite an experience, actually training with professional fighters who are interested in helping out their fellow man and woman. From personal experience, I have grown as both a student and as a person and have utilized as much as I have learned in my training in addition to adhering to some of their philosophies, something that I believe every person can use in his or her everyday life.
Since opening in October, PURE’s class enrollment has steadily grown thanks in part to the infectious and positive attitude that both brothers display to their students. They are courteous, friendly, and are always ready to share their knowledge of techniques and strategies to whoever is willing to learn. So, with that in mind, keep an eye out for PURE Mixed Martial Arts and Fitness located at 100 Ford Rd. in Denville, New Jersey and check out their website at www.puremixedmartialarts.com. This is Nick NJ reminding everyone that life is not just a journey, but a goddamn adventure!
Follow Nick on Twitter @exiledinNJ
TRANSFORMERS: Robots in New Jersey! Part 2 – The Meadowlands
I really struck gold when reading the pages of Transformers #54 from July 1989. The story KING CON (clearly a King Kong ripoff) opens “somewhere in the swamps of New Jersey.” There’s some guys on the hunt for a “creature” that they claim the cops were too afraid to come check out. Keep in mind that we aren’t about to read a Jersey Devil story because he hangs out in the Pine Barrens and the Transformers visited the Pines before. You can read about that via this post.
After several “creature” sightings at the Meadowlands, Cecilia Santiago, a reporter and host of New York Talks, decides to take matters into her own hands and investigate. There’s a bad lightning storm on the horizon and it’s intensity is increasing.
Meanwhile, in the Meadowlands, the Decepticons have constructed a new base under a garbage dump. Naturally, whenever building a villainous secret underground base in NJ, it MUST be under a garbage dump. Where else would it be? Their plan is to use a “storm maker” that they created to convert the energy that they harness from the storm and then by using a giant converter they will turn it into Energon cubes – the source of energy for all Transformers. Getting all this so far? And Megan Fox is nowhere to be found 🙁
While Cecilia the newswoman is nosing around with her camera crew in the Meadowlands swamps looking for the creature, she winds up getting taken hostage by the Decepticon Pretenders.
For those who aren’t up on their Transformers terms, this issue introduces the Micro Masters (smaller and more fuel efficient Transformers) and also features the Decepticon Pretenders. On the Transfomers Wiki, the Pretenders are defined as “Transformers fitted with special external armor shells that can disguise their very nature as robots.”
Iguanas, a big purple lizard looking Decepticon Pretender, is put in charge of running the cables from their equipment in the NJ swamp across the bottom of the Hudson River and connecting the final piece to the lightning rod at the top of the Empire State Building.
After escaping the clutches of the Decepticons, Cecilia hitches a ride with the Autobots (the good guys) and has to head into the Lincoln Tunnel to make it into Midtown Manhattan before the Decepticons destroy half of New York City. Notice that this was ages ago, back when the toll for the Lincoln Tunnel only cost $3 dollars. Today it’s $13 freaking dollars during peak times!
Not Fade Away…Not Playing In A Theater Near You
David Chase’s new film about a suburban New Jersey rock band in the 1960’s is currently in a limited release. It would seem that the chances of such a film rooted in the Garden State would be easy to catch at a local theater in Jersey, right? Nah. Why make it that easy for us? The film is already available for pre-order on Amazon so it looks like I’ll be waiting it out for a bit.
Something tells me HBO will eventually get a hold of this one and never let go. I’ll have it memorized by the end of the summer. But seriously, David Chase AND James Gandolfini together again? It’s a no brainer! Of course, a story of an aspiring rock band is far from The Sopranos. Despite a pretty shitty review on IMDB from reviewer, Clayton Davis, who claims it “doesn’t hold a candle to Cameron Crowe’s homage to music…” referring to Almost Famous, I’m still highly interested in seeing this.
*Although the film is set in New Jersey, much of it was filmed in Pearl River, NY.
Nerd Lunch Podcast: Artist Des Taylor!
If you aren’t familiar with Des’ work, he’s got a retro ’40s style that blends so well with all kinds of superheros and hot pinup girls that he loves to draw. It was extremely hard not letting it turn into The Chris Farley Show, but I think I did nervously say “That was awesome” at least twice during the show.
We talked about how he made it to where he is today as an artist, which was mighty interesting, especially in comparison to other artists who “just started drawing.” We also went back and forth on our favorite superhero costumes and also came to some solid conclusions on Star Wars and the Batman franchise. It was a fun conversation, so download it! IT’S FREE on iTunes and it will provide you with a fun diversion on your way to work. Or just click the Nerd Lunch logo and listen NOWWWW!!!