I Actually Baked Betty Crocker Pumpkin Bars!


It’s not very often that I get motivated enough to cook or bake. In fact, I don’t think I’ve baked a real dessert in the entire time I’ve lived on my own. My stove collects dust and my oven sometimes opens it’s door to let out cries for attention like “Pleeeease slip a casserole in me,” “C’mon Jay, shove that oiled up pan inside me,” and the very cutting standby “bake some damn cookies you lazy bastard!” Since it’s Pumpkin-mania everywhere it’s too enticing to pass up some of the great desserts while browsing the grocery aisles. On a recent shopping excursion I picked up 2 of possibly the simplest pumpkin flavored desserts to make in history that will serve as a nice treat during the Halloween Countdown.

Betty Crocker’s always been known to help a brother out in the kitchen…and a sister. I really would invest more time into cooking, if I had it, but these powdery concoctions can be made in almost no time at all. By the time I get home from work, cooking is the last thing I want to do. Crap, why would I want to slave over a meal that I’m going to devour in 4 minutes when there’s important programming to enjoy on my DVR?

So, it’s not as rare as Halley’s Comet, but once in a while I do actually cook/bake. This time I decided to bake. Out of the two that I picked up, Betty Crocker’s Pumpkin Bars and Pumpkin Spice Cookies, I obviously opted for the easier to make of the two. Making the dough and then forming the actual cookies out of the dough would’ve been an extra step that I couldn’t be fooling around with. I had other important duties to tend this weekend like watching The Loved Ones and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Pumpkin Bars it is!


The directions recommend butter, or a spread that is 65% vegetable oil, so I opted for the slightly healthier option of Smart Balance instead. Melted that up, and threw it in a bowl with the powder mix. Here’s where the hard labor comes in: I mixed that shit up all by myself. My arm was getting sore that’s how serious I was when mixing it. The dough became like a big ball and then I formed it into the baking dish (or pan, whichever you are using). I used a dish since that’s all I had in the condo. Sprayed the dish with fat-free canola oil before throwing in the dough. After about 25 minutes in the oven, I took it out and it looked and smelled excellent.

I was surprised because I was sure it was going to come out looking like a ridiculous globby mess, but it looked really good. Directions said to let it cool completely, so I went back to my movie watching and came back to ice it. The directions also recommend using Betty Crocker Cream Cheese icing, but the store I was in didn’t carry that so I got Pillsbury Cream Cheese icing. The icing job wasn’t stellar, but originally I wasn’t even going to put icing on it so I’m cutting myself some slack.

On my first taste test with a glass of milk, the bars actually came out delicious. When my family jokes around about who really made them, I’ll be honest – Betty Crocker only did half the work. I churned that dough up like I was a friggin’ machine. And I slathered that icing on like I was my 8 year old nephew. These pumpkin bars won’t be sticking around very long, but luckily those cookies will last me through the majority of the Halloween Countdown! 

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 74: Take Sesame Street To The Jersey Shore

jersey shore sesame street 2

Mash-ups in pop culture are inevitable no matter how blasphemous. If you grew up watching Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, then there’s a damn good chance you are furious over the mere idea of the Sesame Street gang getting mixed up with the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s like the apostles banding together to create one righteously badass boy band, it’s just something that’s never supposed to happen. But when t-shirt sales are involved, all bets are off!

For some reason I can see Bert and Ernie going tanning and doing laundry, but I doubt I’d catch them at the gym since they seem pretty doughy. Maybe The Situation and Pauly D. have inspired them to tone up for beach season or bathtub season in their case? Oscar seems to fit right in. He’s chillin’ in a trash can that has an “I Heart Jersey” sign on it, and I’m sure he’ll be quite happy since we’ve got a helluva lot of trash here in Jersey. They really should’ve got the Muppets in on this and asked Miss Piggy if she wanted to be Snooki.

jersey shore sesame street 1

In the t-shirt pictured above, It looks like Cookie Monster turned red from too much tanning and had a sex change. I always thought Cookie Monster was male but seeing him as Snooki Monster has me worried. I hope Cookie Monster didn’t go and have any weird Muppet operation. I realize it’s only a play on words but who knows, right? Do you have a direct line into Cookie Monster’s personal affairs? Does he tell you his innermost feelings? Maybe he was never comfortable as himself and he engorges himself with COOOOOOKIES to help alleviate his misery. Until you truly know Cookie Monster then don’t make any assumptions! If he wants to have an operation to become a pudgy, tanned guidette who eats pickles instead of cookies, then so be it. We love you either way Cookie Monster.

Monsters, TNA, and PB & Jay


Saturday March 12, 2011

The Monster Mania Con was calling my name like Vader taunting Luke. The con fell on my birthday weekend so not going wasn’t an option. Cherry Hill NJ is a bit of a hike from Sexy Armpit Headquarters but when I woke up on Saturday morning I noticed the weather was sunny and pretty warm so I decided that a ride down the Turnpike for Monster Mania was the thing to do.

Once I got off at exit 4, I stopped for an iced coffee at D and D to recharge myself and then headed to the Crowne Plaza Hotel. Out of all the stars that were signing autographs over the weekend there weren’t any names that I was hardcore about getting to meet. Of course there were some hotties like Dina Meyer, Allison Barron, and Melinda Clarke, but this time around I was planning on just hanging out and having a good time.

Parking was atrocious as usual, they really need to do something about that. Once the summer installment of MM rolls around I don’t feel like walking 3 1/2 miles back to my car in the sweltering heat. Fortunately, I was able to nab a fairly close spot, but that was after 15 minutes of driving around. Inside I noticed the same scenes of previous MM cons, but that’s what’s cool about it. I thought to myself, “If only there was a place like this that you could go hang all the time, not just a couple of times a year.”

Sour Puss Socks Gloves
I kept my spending to a minimum and made only a few purchases. 
One of them was something cool for Miss Sexy Armpit at the SourPuss Clothing table.

Jessica Rajs to The Sexy Armpit

I met a much cooler New Jersey version of Kat Von D, Jessica Rajs. Jess is the creative director from Bad Zombie, the creators of The New Jersey Zombie Walk. They not only organize the Zombie Walk but also sell some rad T-Shirts as well as a Pinup Calendar of some sexy and zombified local ladies. The Gorgeous and Gory Pinup Calendar is sold out, but each print was available for purchase along with other cool swag.

Finally the coolest moments of the con came when I ran into a few familiar faces. First, the question was posed what would happen if The Sexy Armpit was in The Man Cave? Two major players at the MM Con, Geof Capodanno of The Man Cave Blog and his friend and expert cameraman Dan Petrucci do it up in style with a hotel room, and not one igloo, but TWO M*THERF*CKING IGLOOS! What’s so cool about the Igloos you ask? They were filled with…BEER! So they were nice enough to invite a wandering Sexy Armpit up to their room for a brew and they also filmed a Man Cave Interview with me too! It sound so dirty but it really isn’t! It will probably be posted over there pretty soon so be on the lookout! It was a really fun time and I look forward to hanging out with the Man Cave crew again in the future. Thanks guys!

From there I also ran into John and his girlfriend from Freddy in Space (one of the best horror blogs out there) and had a minute to talk with them. And then I talked with none other than the writer and director of the awesome revenge film, JERSEY JUSTICE, John Charles Hunt! If you have a minute, check out The Sexy Armpit’s review of the film right here. By the end of the day I realized that socializing without any stringent agenda made the day way more fun. Without being rushed around and bleeding money out of my wallet I had a chance to really enjoy the experience.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H7PZ4fhIJo?rel=0]

After the con it was time to rush back up the Turnpike for the TNA Wrestling show in Rahway NJ. In addition to “The Shore” spectacle made up of Robbie E., Cookie, and Angelina from Jersey Shore, most of the big TNA stars also appeared including Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, Matt Morgan, and Beer Money. Velvet Sky was signing during intermission so it was my big chance to meet her. Getting a picture with Velvet Sky made me quite a happy man. The show’s fast paced ring action made the crowd electric. It was a great time and we met up with some friends after the show.

PBandJ Cake 2

What’s a birthday without a cool cake? Is that a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich in this picture or a birthday cake masquerading as a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I primed my girlfriend several months in advance that this was the cake I wanted for my birthday and she remembered. So we slapped some candles into that bad boy and dug in. Using the Cakewich Sandwich Style Cake Mold, who is getting a free plug right now, Miss Sexy Armpit took the time to concoct this delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich cake. I know lots of people who despise peanut butter but obviously I am not one of them. PB and J has always been one of my favorite snacks, whether it’s between bread or on crackers, it’s simple and reminds me of being a kid. Gotta have some milk with it though! This cake was a fun, nostalgic, and a change of pace from your average butter cream birthday cake.

That brings the 2011 Birthday celebration to an end. Thanks for reading and I can only hope it’s just as exciting next year!

PB and J Cake 1

Etymology of The Chipwich

ice cream,new jersey
Pictured on the right is LaMotta next to a Chipwich Stand

It’s sad to hear of the recent death of Richard LaMotta, inventor of The Chipwich. His unique approach to selling the frozen treat on a cart in New York City in 1982 took the simple premise of the traditional hot dog stand to another level. The Chipwiches became such hot sellers that his 2 Chipwich plants, one in Queens, NY, and one in Lodi, NJ were churning out 200,000 a day! Prior to its boom in popularity and LaMotta’s truly passionate marketing of his new concept, he lacked a name for it.

While LaMotta was half owner of The Sweet Tooth ice cream parlor in Englewood, NJ, he held a contest to come up with a name for the ice cream sandwich. For Anne Dermansky, a mother from the surrounding area, Chipwich was the first idea to pop in her head. She quickly wrote it down, credited her daughter, and submitted it. Not only did Dermansky’s daughter Julie win the contest, but she was gifted a one year supply of Chipwiches, and a $10,000 Scholarship which she used to help pay her tuition to Tulane University. According to an article on North Jersey.com, Dermanksy explained that LaMotta never missed a scholarship payment to Julie and they received them like clockwork, even when the company experienced financial hardship.

Also check out The official Chipwich Site, Just My Show’s Post about The Chipwich,
as well as an Article from NY Times and North Jersey.com