NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 108: Toxie’s Almost 30th Anniversary Shirt

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The always eloquent Darth Vader once said, “It is pointless to resist…” and I’ve proved him right. Early on, there was a time when I tried my very best to look away whenever the horror t-shirt company Fright Rags released a cool new special edition shirt, but within the past few years, they’ve beaten me into submission. There was absolutely no way I could deny some of their amazing limited run shirts, including Friday the 13th, and their KISS inspired KILL tour shirt. Today, I’ll show you one of their most recent tees, an “Almost 30th Anniversary” Toxic Avenger edition.

Fright Rags enlists only the best artists to provide artwork on their t-shirts, but unfortunately I have no idea who the credit goes to for this superb work. This Toxie shirt is a prime example of the high quality and attention to detail that Fright Rags has become synonymous with. I’ve seen and owned so many mediocre shirts with my favorite characters on them through the years and this one blows most of them out of the polluted water.

On the front of the shirt, Toxie stands tall over a river of bubbling chemicals, mop in hand, in front of the American flag and chemical plants in the distance. Two hotties kneel beside him. This is some incredibly dramatic…and smelly stuff. To make it official, the Troma logo is on the back of the tee.

Toxie fans will be delighted and should show their appreciate that Fright Rags paid such an excellent tribute to the Almost 30th anniversary of the FIRST Superhero from New Jersey! At the time of this post, I’ve come to the point where I handed Fright Rags over my bank account information so they can just speed up the process of getting me these masterpieces in the future.

Conjuring Up Some Jersey Connections

Usually I wait for the crowds to die down before seeing a brand new movie while it’s in the theater. Ever since Insidious and Sinister boosted my confidence in the horror genre, The Conjuring trailer had me wanting to see the movie right away. I was anxiously waiting to see it, but I held off until the second weekend to avoid crowds. On purpose, as I usually do, I chose an odd time to see the film, thinking I would avoid obnoxious people. Turns out that my strategic planning didn’t make a difference, but it didn’t matter because the experience I had watching the film overwhelmingly outweighed the annoying people who surrounded me.

Judging by both box office receipts and reviews, I can tell you that The Conjuring is a superior horror film and it’s success is no fluke. It seems like behind every success story is some type of New Jersey connection. The Conjuring made me feel like I was part of the Perron family as they moved into an old, possibly haunted farmhouse in Rhode Island. Eventually the audience is just as mortified as the Perrons are, but they shouldn’t be shocked at what they see since they moved there from New Jersey – a minuscule bit of trivia that is only mentioned nonchalantly by Roger Perron, the man of the house, in all his ’70s glory, played perfectly by Ron Livingston (Office Space). Roger’s wife, Carolyn (Lili Taylor), enlists Ed and Lorraine Warren, a real life couple of paranormal investigators who also teach classes on demonology.

March 2013’s Garden State Playmate, and now well known for her incredible performance as Norma Bates on Bates Motel, the lovely Vera Farmiga, plays Lorraine Warren while Patrick Wilson, star of Watchmen, and Montclair, NJ resident, plays her husband Ed. Together they visit houses that may be haunted and try to get to the source of the issue by postulating realistic reasons for what caused their “bump in the night.” That isn’t all they do for the Perron family though. You’ll have to go see that for yourself.

The Conjuring is a throwback. It’s the type of creepy film that they just don’t seem to make anymore, and damn it was just plain fun. Director James Wan and his team mixed classic movie thrills with practical effects to create an extremely tense and scary atmosphere. Wilson and Farmiga carry the film, but Taylor, Livingston, as well as the actresses who played Perron’s daughters all give outstanding performances.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 107: Camp Crystal Lake Day Care

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Buy this shirt HERE

Is your present babysitter is just not CUTTING it? Well, don’t fret, because there’s help out there. Why leave your kids with an overpriced teenager who ignores your kids so she can watch her phone and wait for texts messages to come in? Your kids deserve better! Why not drive them into the middle of the woods of Northwestern New Jersey and let them breathe in the fresh air and admire the scenic landscapes? What if I added in the bonus that there’s a chance they’ll come back so completely scared shitless that they’ll never make any trouble again? Sounds tempting already, right?

This summer, you have all kinds of things that you wish you and your spouse could do, but, nowadays you just don’t get enough time. The kids have soccer practice and gymnastics every weekend, but in a few weeks there’s that concert you really want to go to, or maybe you feel like having some drinks and acting stupid with your wife. Or perhaps you just want to catch The Conjuring this weekend without having to get roped into seeing Turbo and spending $87 on popcorn and soda. Heck, Monster Mania is coming up next month, but you can’t even afford because those mangy kids need new school clothes.

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Listen, your kids can’t stay in the air conditioning every day of the summer playing video games, they need to start getting in touch with nature and enjoying some recreation that doesn’t involve electronics or cell phones. The answer for you isn’t sending your kids to Young People’s Day Camp, it’s the flexibility and fun of Camp Crystal Lake Day Care.

Your kids will love playing outdoor games, swimming with kids their age, and hearing ghost stories by campfire, all the while under the caring, compassionate, and watchful eye of our experienced counselor, Jason Voorhees. Register your child TODAY!

Come See Your Uncle Alice Tonight in A.C!

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Tonight, The House of Blood…umm I mean the House of Blues in Atlantic City will be hosting the esteemed lord of shock rock, and hall of famer, Alice Cooper. If you’ve never seen Alice in concert, it’s a total spectacle. Perhaps not as explosive as a KISS show, but every bit as entertaining. Plus, a first timer will probably be surprised at how many of Alice’s songs they recognize. Coop’s band is sharp and they make the songs sound like they’re straight from the studio recording. I’ve seen Alice on more than one occasion and it’s always been a kick-ass time.

So, when he’s not in a celebrity golf tournament, Alice likes to get on stage and put on a wild show. While Alice and the band perform everything from their old classics like “Eighteen,” to soundtrack songs like “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask),” from Friday the 13th: Part VI, the freaks come out on stage. There’s snakes, guillotines, blood, and all kinds of horrifically fun stuff. Take in this fine production tonight, right on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. More info below.

Click Here for Tickets

House of Blues
801 Boardwalk
Atlantic City, NJ 08401

See You at The Crossroads SCREECH!

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When I think of an evening of stand-up comics, Screech Powers from Saved By The Bell isn’t the first guy to pop in my mind. Among making a fairly long string of really bad movies (and dabbling in porn), Dustin Diamond, who had his 15 minutes playing the geek on Saved By The Bell, has been doing stand-up comedy for the last couple of years. If you’re in the area and you know all the episodes of Saved By The Bell, you can catch Dustin Diamond do his stand-up routine at the Crossroads in Garwood, NJ this Saturday July 20th.
I never had any type of personal vendetta against Dustin like many people do for some reason, but I doubt I would actually go to see him perform despite the title of this post. Surprisingly, appearing on Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling and naming his band Salty the Pocketknife don’t qualify as his biggest offenses. What bothers me most is his mid-90s style “I’m trying to be a comedian” head shot used on the left side of the promotional poster above. I truly hope he didn’t pay someone to pose him and snap that photo for him. If he did, then this post is dedicated to the low budget photographer he used. He should incorporate this ridiculous photo and his silly pose into his comedy act.
3 other comedians will also be appearing: Joe Carney, Big Rich from Jersey, and Zack Bratkovich
Tickets are $15 bucks and can be bought here:
Crossroads
78 North Avenue
Garwood, NJ

Brock Lesnar Inhales $500 Dollars Worth of Food at Montclair NJ Restaurant

I hate reading TMZ and all the tabloid/gossip sites, but this relates to 2 of my favorite things – New Jersey and Pro-Wrestling!

Brock Lesnar, the monstrous pro-wrestler turned UFC fighter turned pro-wrestler, was just a little bit hungry after Monday Night Raw this week. After tossing CM Punk around the ring area to kickoff a feud between them leading to Summerslam, Brock took his wife, former WWE Diva Sable, to Fresco, an Italian restaurant in Montclair, NJ. The gigantic feast he partook in cost him over $500 dollars, and he supposedly shared only two items with his wife. Below you can read what he ordered.

  • Ahi tuna with asparagus (shared)
  • Margherita pizza (shared)
  • Chicken Parm.with triple-extra chicken
  • Full bowl of parpadelle bolognese
  • Slice of cheesecake for himself

THE MEDICI IRIS by Max Medford: Book Review

In my early 20s I went through a period of boredom. I was dying for something out of the ordinary to happen. Typically, college and dating would be enough to keep things exciting, but I’d been living in a nice little suburban bubble for my entire life. I was craving some intrigue…something unknown. Comic books, movies, and episodes of The Twilight Zone and Amazing Stories strove to stimulate what I convinced myself was a stagnant existence. Eventually, here and there, things started to happen. Nothing earth shattering, but occasionally, some random amusing shit went down and inspired me to write about it, although it was nothing quite as cool and bizarre as what happened to fellow Jersey guy Wes Barino in Max Medford’s first novel, The Medici Iris.

During the the time I spent with this book, I got a few “what are you reading?” inquiries. Thinking of how to sum this book up and provide an answer to that was a bit of a challenge, but all I had to do was look right there at the bottom of page one: “A tale of murder, sex, drugs…and horticulture.” If that’s not enough of a description, here’s a few key words for you:

Beer, bar trivia games, organized crime, drugs, mysterious monks, strippers, corrupt cops, and crimson colored flowers. More than enough to elicit your attention I gather.

The characters Medford embroils into these exploits feel familiar. From the get go, we become acquainted with Wes Barino, our chain smokin’, sub makin’ main character. Right away I put myself in his shoes and even though he’s supposed to be twenty-something, I pretended he was thirty-something. Wes drives an old Chrysler LeBaron, a detail that I got a kick out of since that was my first car. He’s also a master at the bar trivia game, Quiztouch, a diversion that he’s perfected at a nearby Houlihan’s while drinking with his best friend, Scott, who trolls the establishment for women.

To me, Scott wasn’t as likable as some classic best friends like Stiles from Teen Wolf for instance. I always use that comparison, even though Stiles was occasionally kind of a douche as well. I pictured Scott to be played by Kevin Connolly a.k.a “E” from HBO’s Entourage, sort of annoying, tries too hard, but a fiercely loyal friend. Scott, who drives an IROC, usually goes a little overboard and he’s clearly a bad influence on Wes, who usually keeps his nose clean, well, not always.

You’ll be able to relate to Medford’s real dialogue, especially between Wes and Scott. Their banter sounds like it might have been transcribed from a conversation you had while hanging out with your friend the other night.

It comes to Wes and Scott’s attention that the Quiztouch game is holding a grand competition to determine the national champion of the game in Texas. Before the big championship, they’ll hold a regional tournament to see who advances. Wes enters. It’s a chance for him to do something that he’s really good at while possibly winning a small jackpot. And as Clark Griswold once said “Getting there is half the fun, you know that!” Since I think of everything in film terms, the quest to get to the big game tournament reminded me of “Video Armageddon” in 1989’s The Wizard.

Before Wes and Scott embark on their quest, there’s a whole load of other drama going on. Wes has to deal with his on-again off-again girlfriend who’s made up of Italian stereotypes, Sam, but he can’t keep his mind off her. She thinks Wes needs to quit the sub shop and do something more worthwhile with his life. Then there’s also his sister who’s having issues of her own with her husband who’s a cop keeping tabs on Wes. As if that’s not enough, there’s mysterious messages forming on her fridge. Oh and one more, Wes has an enigmatic flower growing in his yard that is devouring his attention.

Wes can barely focus on all this stuff, but the Quiztouch competition requires ultimate mental sharpness. Piling on even more tension, Wes has been having weird blackouts which have him visiting the doctor. It can’t seem to get much crazier until Wes and Scott get appointed delivery boys. They are bestowed with the precarious task of making a drop-off of a mysterious, locked duffel bag on their journey.

Geographical details of The Medici Iris obviously provide a nice frame of reference if you’re from Jersey or even have a loose knowledge of it from seeing it on TV. Naturally, for a Jersey freak like me, the Garden State backdrop made me feel even more like I was right there with Wes and his buddy Scott in the book. The duo traverses New Jersey from Montclair and Newark all the way down to the Pine Barrens. The NJ newspaper, The Star Ledger, is also makes a few prominent appearances.

Also a regional thing, the usage of Sub/Hoagie in vernacular gets brought up. Personally, I’ve never actually heard anyone refer to a sub sandwich as a hoagie, but one of our convenience store chains, WaWa, which happens to be represented in the book, sells these sandwiches under the guise of Hoagies, NOT subs. I give them a pass because they make decent subs, even though they’re clearly weirdos. What’s weirder, one customer at the sub-shop in the book refers to a sub as a “grinder,” and is appropriately scolded for it.

I had no idea what to expect The Medici Iris, especially since the plot synopsis sounded all over the place. I found myself tearing through the book just to see how the hell it was going to come together. I wasn’t frustrated by all the twists, turns, and red herrings in the least, in fact, they enticed me even more.  Medford methodically builds a mondo amount of suspense as the story ascends to it’s rousing finale. All the while ancillary thrills and mini cliffhangers provide a lot fun along the way. Even after the first 50 pages I wasn’t entirely sure where the book was taking me, but all I knew was that it was amusing and I thoroughly enjoyed the story that’s constructed like a wild mouse roller coaster.

The Medici Iris satisfied my desire for “something cool to happen,” while allowing me to stay out of trouble altogether. If you read this book you might wind up asking yourself “why can’t this stuff happen to me?” Wes and Scott ran into a few of those surreal experiences – the kind of times where you feel like they may not really be happening, so you have to pinch yourself. Competently, Medford’s intertwining plot unfolds in a similar way to an Elmore Leonard crime novel or in films like 1994’s Pulp Fiction and 1999’s Go, and even the slacker masterpiece Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

The style of the adventure incorporated stream of consciousness and it felt very cinematic. If you’re a fan of films like 1985’s After Hours and Into the Night, you’ll dig this. While I definitely recommend this book to my fellow New Jerseyans, I also say that if you have an insatiable desire for never-ending stories, fantastic voyages, and excellent adventures, I suggest you read The Medici Iris. It may change the way you look at stuff.

TRIBUTE TO A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY: JAMES GANDOLFINI 1961-2013 by Nick “NJ” Holden

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Our feature writer Nick “NJ” Holden pays respect to Jersey icon 
James Gandolfini a.k. Tony Soprano
Governor Chris Christie called James Gandolfini, who died unexpectedly yesterday at the age of 51, “a true Jersey guy”, and while the governor has made some questionable statements and decisions as the head of the state, he really hit the nail on the head. Not only was Gandolfini a true New Jerseyan (born in Westwood, raised in Park Ridge, and graduate of Rutgers University), he took a murdering, lying, cheating, neurotic gangster named Tony Soprano and have him a soul on the HBO show The Sopranos. But he was much more than a gangster on television, for he was a true character actor capable of roles on Broadway and on the big screen.

James Gandolfini first came to prominence as a violent enforcer in True Romance, where he had a memorable (albeit brutal and bloody) encounter with Patricia Arquette. Given his size (6’1”), it would be easy to typecast him as the heavy. But his acting ability and charm won him a variety of roles: a kind-hearted Hollywood stuntman (Get Shorty opposite fellow NJ’er John Travolta), a gruff working-class stiff babysitting a spoiled ad exec (Surviving Christmas), and even the Mayor of New York (The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3). 
I remember watching Zero Dark Thirty in a packed AMC Theater at the Westfield Garden State Plaza Mall, totally immersed in the action, when about mid-way through the movie, Gandolfini pops up. The audience was stunned, whispering in hushed tones “It’s Tony Soprano!”, but stopped once he began speaking. Gone was the heavy bravado and Italian accent made famous every Sunday night and on-screen was a strict but open-minded CIA director inquiring about a compound that may or may not house the most wanted man on the face of the earth. A personal favorite of mine is his role as Woody Dumas, a tough DEA agent with a lisp and unfortunate habit of getting hit by cars in the little-seen horror/action/romance/comedy Perdita Durango, also known as Dance with the Devil from Spanish director Alex de la Iglesia. Acting alongside Rosie Perez and a then-unknown Javier Bardem, Gandolfini manages to steal every scene he’s in while keeping his tongue firmly in cheek among the madness.

James Gandolfini isn’t the only successful Jersey-born actor (Abbott and Costello, Ed Harris, Michael Douglas, Jack Nicholson), but he was the first to fully embrace his roots as well as his fame and keep a balance on both. He rooted for the Scarlet Knights and would appear on the sidelines. He produced the documentaries Alive Day Memories: Home from Iraq in which he interviewed 10 injured Iraq War veterans and Wartorn. He was also a fixture in the Tri-State area, appearing at dinners, lectures, and other public functions, all the while smiling and keeping his feet planted on the ground. And despite the credit that was showered upon Jersey Shore for revitalizing New Jersey, especially Seaside Heights, The Sopranos was really responsible for putting the Garden State back on the map, using locals in Kearny, Wayne, North Caldwell, and most notably Lodi (the strip club on the series Bada Bing! is actually Satin Dolls). Even after the show’s finale in 2007, fans from all parts of the globe can still see the actual shooting locations and other points of interest via The Sopranos Sites Tour (http://onlocationtours.com/tour/sopranos/), an four-hour bus tour. 
So with a heavy heart, the Sexy Armpit and I bid James Gandolfini a fond farewell and extend our deepest sympathies to his family, friends, and co-stars.

A Sexy Superman Celebration!

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Call the character hokey or old fashioned all you want, Superman is and always will be the quintessential superhero. The release of the Man of Steel may not come with the same type of fanfare as Batman or The Avengers films, but to DC fans and pretty much anyone who has ever worn a Superman t-shirt, this is a HUGE event.

Personally, I felt Superman Returns got a slightly bad rap. It’s by no means amazing, but I thought Brandon Routh made an excellent Superman and Kevin Spacey was entertaining as Lex Luthor. It worked merely as a very late on the mark sequel to Superman II, but that’s about it. Plus, I haven’t even seen Man of Steel and I already know that Amy Adams will be a much better Lois Lane than Kate Bosworth.

Many of you have already seen the Man of Steel (a.k.a lucky bastards). Lots of cool “biz” folks, journalists, and those who pounced at the chance to get into Wal-Mart’s preview showing have already witnessed Zack Snyder’s modern take on the icon. Reviews have been coming in for a few days and they are largely positive which is great news. I don’t think I’m going to be disappointed, but I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get to the theater to see it. Cue the “awwww” crowd sound effect or the violins – your choice. So to keep myself from getting too antsy in the mean time, I whipped up a video for you.

If you’re getting geared up for the Man of Steel, then I ask you to join me in celebrating this epic event by watching the latest video from The Sexy Armpit. It’s the Sexy Armpit Superman Celebration! I show off some of my early Superman collectibles that I’ve held onto for many years, and naturally, I also run down a few Jersey connections all while being pestered by Sludgey. It’s a fun time! Please check it out and give it a thumbs up if you approve. Thank you!

BatDave and Buster: A NJ-Made Batman Fan Film

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As we enter the summer, I’m taking it easy over here at The Sexy Armpit. Meanwhile, over at the Bat-Blog, Tommy the bat-bloggin’ maniac, broke the story about a made in NJ bat-film hitting YouTube. Unlike The Sexy Armpit show, which was produced for basically nothing aside from personal time, this fan film had a budget of $400 bucks. Similar to many other fan-films floating around the Internet, this one was also a labor of love.

Here’s their plot synopsis: A regular guy from New Jersey and his loyal dog who both constantly try to emulate the crime-fighting ways of their childhood hero ‘The Batman’ find themselves drawn into a wacky manhunt for The Joker and a brutal fight to the death with the murderous Bane.

BatDave and Buster was written and filmed by a local bat-fan nicknamed Bat-Dave who appears on the Bat-Blog frequently and heads to many of the local NJ pop culture conventions. The film was directed and edited by BatDave’s friend Dennis Pellicano. As mentioned on their YouTube page, the cast is comprised entirely of “…friends, family members, fellow Batman fans, and talented regional cosplayers.” Clocking in at nearly a full hour, you can make some popcorn and add this to your next Bat-viewing marathon!