Allyson from Bring Back Glam pointed this video out in one of her recent posts about “Heavy Metal Pitchmen.” Did you know that Paul Stanley of KISS sang a Folgers Coffee jingle? He sings the hell out of that shit! Listen:
Rock and Roll All Nite and Scooby Every Doo!
For me, one of the appealing nuances of Scooby Doo was how the show incorporated reality by featuring real life guest celebrities. The Scooby Doo movies captured that idea superbly featuring everyone from the Monkees’ Davy Jones to Sonny & Cher. More recently, the episode of What‘s New Scooby New, “A Scooby Doo Halloween” features KISS’ Paul Stanley lending his voice to an animated version of himself. The gang is on another adventure in the Mystery Machine when Shaggy explains how excited he can’t wait to be “Rockin’ with KISS.”
Here KISS is playing a masquerade ball in honor of Banning Junction’s 100th anniversary. The animated KISS performs “Shout It Out Loud” which naturally gets interrupted by a wacky ghost chase.
ACE: What should we do?
PAUL: What we always do, keep playin ’til the cops come!
Shaggy: Im going to ask Paul Stanley to sign my forehad!
Scooby: Me too!
The gang also has a run in with some rabid robotic pumpkin headed scarecrows who shoot flames from their eyeholes and wield sickles!
Scooby certainly has other quasi-KISS ties. While “the phantom” in the episode of The Scooby Doo Show entitled “The Diabolical Disc Demon” isn’t referred to as Gene Simmons, his appearance is blatantly similar. Think of him as Gene Simmons with flaming hair and an Evel Knievel costume.
The gang goes to watch their friend Jimmy Lewis record in the studio at Decade records. They find out that songwriter Tony Signs has disappeared. He mysteriously left a song behind that he wrote.
FRED: What’s this about a phantom Jimmy?
JIMMY: It’s just a legend Fred. Something about a ghostly musician who wanders these
corridors seeking vengeance against those who ruined his career.
Even though he’s simply referred to as “The Phantom,” I can’t help but think about how KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK was also produced by Hanna Barbera. Did they have a hard on for KISS or what? How much ass would a Hanna Barbera KISS cartoon kick? I know I sure as hell wouldn’t mind watching one right now.
Here “The Phantom” looks like he’s doing the Ickey Shuffle until he’s found out to be washed up glam rocker Ace Decade. As for Scooby, a paper airplane made from sheet music saved his ass this time.
Battle Armor He-Man T-Shirt Contest!
I’ve always heard rumors that the transformation of Prince Adam into He-Man not only made him the most powerful man in the universe but also had a Viagra-like effect on his wang. While I’m not about to do a field study on this one, I can try to put myself in his position to properly understand the nature of the Beastman. We at The Sexy Armpit can’t be sure what team Prince Adam would actually be playing for considering his lavender tights, felt maroon vest, and cute little fuchsia power sword. All that aside, let’s give Adam the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s a little flamboyant, but straight nonetheless ala Paul Stanley.
Have you ever neglected some important work and found yourself wondering how He-Man resisted hot bitches like Teela, Evil-Lynn, and She-Ra…oh wait…that was his sister! So what, Luke and Leia had no idea they were brother and sister and everyone thought they were gonna,“do it…eww!”
It’s time for a kick-ass contest here on The Sexy Armpit.com! You can win the above pictured, custom made “Battle Damaged” He-Man Ringer T-Shirt by answering the following 2 questions as creatively as possible:
1) If you were He-Man what Eternian/Etherian girl would want to bang and why. **This can include anyone from Queen Marlena (but you’re my mo—) to Frosta
2) What would you (as He-Man) do for your first date with her? I love being Chuck Woolery, he’s an idol of mine.
SEND ANSWERS and YOUR ADDRESS TO SEXYARMPIT@COMCAST.NET
Your information will be kept strictly confidential, although if your answers are good they’ll be featured in a future post!
Remember Armpiters, the Best, Funniest, and Most Original answer will win the custom made Battle Damage He-Man Ringer Tee!
For more in the world of Masters of the Universe, check out the awesome new blog Geek Orthodox. Reis is putting himself through the arduous labor of scanning all the old He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Mini-Comics for all of us to enjoy. Head over there and do some friggin’ enjoying.
The Sexy Armpit’s Guide To The Best KISS Songs You Should Download Part 2
Welcome back to The Sexy Armpit as we examine the BEST KISS songs from their entire discography. And now for Part 2:
One of the most thunderous Kiss albums is Love Gun. It blasts your speakers apart from the onset with “I Stole Your Love,” which is perhaps the most underrated Kiss song. Take an unfiltered listen and momentarily forget Gene’s Family Jewels, and the umpteen farewell tours. Just listen to it. LOUD! By the way, loud is the only way to listen to KISS, and this album is a prime example. Ace’s classic “Shock Me” is an awesome track although to me, it always seemed like it needed some Viagra or a red bull. It has a plodding beat and it never reaches the its full potential. Sorry Ace fans, you can praise it on YOUR blog! And here’s one from bizarro world, KISS covers “Then He Kissed Me” originally performed by The Crystals except they change it to “Then She Kissed Me.” Genius! lol. It’s definitely worth a listen. BEST TRACKS: I Stole Your Love, Got Love For Sale, Love Gun
KISS Alive II features more blistering live KISS tracks. Here you go Ace Frehley fans: BEST TRACK: Rocket Ride. As far as the Kiss solo albums go, I’m recommending that you go in with an open mind. So you’re not too disappointed, start out with Ace and Paul’s since those albums feature music more in tune with the KISS music you’re used to hearing. BEST TRACK OUT OF ALL THE SOLO ALBUMS: New York Groove
Disco Kiss? Most people would say YUCK! while others may vomit upon just hearing those words. DYNASTY actually has some outstanding KISS tracks. Disco or not you can’t deny a good song. BEST TRACKS: Magic Touch, Sure Know Something (sounds like you can use it when you make your amateur porno), I Was Made For Loving You
I’ll be honest, Unmasked is a tough listen unless you’re a hardcore KISS fan. They pretty much went into a complete pop direction and it didn’t work out too well. BEST TRACK: What Makes the World Go Round
Music From The Elder may possibly be the most panned, disappointing KISS album ever. The music on this album was supposed to coincide with a screenplay but it was never released. At one point there were failed talks of a Broadway musical as well. After the shift in musical styles that were featured on the last couple of KISS albums, they became even more experimental on The Elder. I give them credit for trying to stretch out creatively, but The Elder was pretty strange and it didn’t satiate KISS fans. Kiss was known for making pop oriented hard rock and The Elder only had one or two tracks that resembled that on this album. BEST TRACK: The OathAround this time a “Best of Kiss” compilation called KILLERS was released as an import and featured 4 new KISS songs but none of them are worth mentioning.
Aside from their debut album, CREATURES OF THE NIGHT perfectly captures what KISS is about. Not only does it evoke the style they created 8 years earlier, but it also introduces one of the hardest hitting drummers of all time, Eric Carr as well as new KISS guitarist and songwriter Vinnie Vincent. The addition of Eric brought so much life to KISS. They became more of the fire breathing band of yore and less of a cliche. Even their concerts got louder and more explosive thanks to Eric’s tank drum kit. The KISS army felt proud: “Don’t Fuck with KISS, cause we‘ll blow you away!” The entire Creatures album is the most accessible and hard rocking Kiss album that still holds up by today’s hard rock standards. Creatures is a serious album which lacks Paul Stanley cheesy rap solos and Gene’s constant sexual euphemisms. It’s a combo of great writing and Eric Carr’s thunderous drumming that solidifies this album as easily THE BEST KISS ALBUM OF ALL TIME.Try listening from start to finish and I promise you’ll truly get wrapped up in this album. I tend to play this album a lot in the fall for several reasons. Some of the songs have an ominous tone almost as if this should’ve been the soundtrack to a horror film. Also, the album was originally released in the fall and it rocks a spooky looking cover. C’mon, that title track almost begs zombies to escape from their graves. You can even listen to the album’s only ballad “I Still Love You,“ without feeling like a chick! BEST TRACKS: EVERY F’N ONE OF THEM! 
After it’s release in ’82, Creatures was looked at as a failure for some God awful reason. Lick It Up ushered in the era of KISS without makeup. There’s a slew of awesome, straight up “glam metal” on this album. It maintains the optimum style of KISS just like Creatures did. As I mentioned Gene’s performance in “Parasite” in Part 1, you’ll notice some echoes of that song in the music and Gene’s voice on Young and Wasted. Rick Derringer even guest stars on Exciter! BEST TRACKS: Exciter, A Million To One, Lick It Up, Young and WastedYou Wanted The Best and You Got The Best…Part 3 of The Sexy Armpit’s Guide to the Best Kiss Songs is coming tomorrow!
The Sexy Armpit’s Guide To The BEST KISS Songs You Should Download Part 1
Welcome to Part 1 of The Sexy Armpit’s Guide to the BEST KISS songs. While “best Kiss songs” is an oxymoron to some naysayers out there, it IS the premise of this article because Kiss is one of the most iconic and influential rock bands in history. Out of the “long and distinguished” KISS catalog of music, how were these songs chosen? Well, I’ve painstakingly hand picked tracks from each album that I think have withstood the test of time. Is there any personal bias involved? Yes of course. You would think Gene Simmons paid me off to write this entry, but actually, I had to pay him. I’m wiring him the royalties right now. When I finish handing over my bank account to The Demon, I will present you with the BEST KISS tracks in the most fair manner possible.
BUT JAY, there’s not enough Ace and Peter, what’s the deal yo? OK, let me get this out of the way right now: We all know Ace had the best solo album, so I won’t list any tracks from the solo albums here. And I enjoy Peter’s work especially Getaway, Hooligan, and various others. The fact that I’m not gushing about their “underrated” contributions to the KISS albums is just a personal preference. Believe it or not, there’s too many Gene/Paul songs that generally went unnoticed. Trust me…when you’re done amassing your new Kiss collection you’ll be pretending you’re Paul Stanley in front of your mirror pouting your lips and fluffing your hair. Step aside Starchild, it’s time for the countdown…
KISS’ self titled debut from 1974 captures the essence of the band the way they were originally intended. It’s sort of like the first installment of Nightmare on Elm Street, although it didn’t make nearly as much of an impact. 34 years later I can proudly say that you should buy, download, or borrow this album because it will seduce you into the world of KISS. When people hear the band for the first time they are often surprised at some of the melodies, sing along choruses, and hooks. The first album features a lot of that, but also some plain old grungy New York Rock and Roll. Some of the greatest KISS songs of all time are on this album. BEST TRACKS: Deuce, Strutter, Black Diamond
The same year KISS followed up their hard rocking debut with Hotter than Hell. If there was such a thing as “alternative” music in 1974 this album would be considered just that. The music on this album is dark and grungy while still keeping that rock star flair. If you know Gene Simmons from his Family Jewels reality show, you would barely recognize him from listening to him sing on Parasite. This guy sounds so guttural it’s like he’s a crooning werewolf. It’s awesome. Sure, maybe he doesn’t have the greatest “singing” voice, but he’s got a great ROCK voice. He makes you feel the music. Trust me, there are much worse singers out there. The truth is, his voice matches their type of music. It went well with their hard driving, sexual tunes. Paul’s voice went better with the fluffier, pop geared tracks. BEST TRACKS: Hotter Than Hell, Parasite, Got To Choose
1975’s Dressed to Kill features one of the most offbeat Kiss album covers. After seeing the band flaunt their out of this world costumes on the cover of Hotter Than Hell, here the band is dressed up in suits and standing on a street corner. Dressed to Kill presents Kiss in a much bigger light. It shows a bit of a departure as they seem to go for a trumped up rock star sound. Maybe the album doesn’t have the most thought provoking lyrics, but hey…it’s KISS: “She’s a dancer, a romancer, I’m a Capricorn and she’s a Cancer” need I say more? Personally I love the euphemistic language on “Room Service.” Paul Stanley even helped Anthrax cover “Love Her All I Can.” You also might try to dig up Sebastian Bach’s cover of “Rock Bottom.” BEST TRACKS: Ladies in Waiting, Rock and Roll All Nite (c’mon, it’s a classic!)
Even though KISS ALIVE! was the album that really put them over the top popularity wise, I’m going to skip it since there’s no new material on the album. Although it’s a must have if you’re a fan of live music.
Destroyer, (1976) showed that KISS could truly create fine pop oriented rock songs. There’s plenty of upbeat, hard driving music on this album which was produced by the late Bob Ezrin. ***(BOB EZRIN is not dead, he let me know that in the comments. Sorry Bob! I confused you with Bruce Fairbairn) With Destroyer, Kiss was solidified as larger than life superheroes. This album also introduced a couple of KISS concert mainstays. BEST TRACKS: Detroit Rock City, King of the Night Time World, God of Thunder, Beth
Also in 1976, Rock and Roll Over, contains the most genius lyric in any song ever created at the start of “Take Me.” We hear Paul Stanley commanding a girl (hopefully) “Put your hand in my pocket, grab onto my rocket.” If I could write stuff like that I wouldn’t be on blogger blogging…I’d be a gazillionaire rock star. BEST TRACKS: Calling Dr. Love, and Mr. Speed (which could easily be covered by Big and Rich or Toby Keith nowadays.)Come back to The Sexy Armpit tomorrow for the next installment of our Guide to The Best Kiss Songs!
The Sexy Armpit ‘s 3-year Anniversary…SPEECH…SPEECH!
I’ve never celebrated an anniversary for this site so I figured why not indulge in a grand Internet tradition? I’ve prepared a little speech…
The great Paul Stanley of KISS once said that they originally created KISS because they wanted to be a band that they would enjoy watching live themselves. In 2004, I set out to create a website that was original and reflected my personality. It turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. The look was there, but the content wasn’t. I realized that the things that I felt compelled to write about were already written about and even when I came up with new ideas, I would log on to sites like X-E, Progressive Boink, and other sites only to see that it was already written about promptly and gloriously. If there’s a new food or drink, or the return of an old toy line from the ’80s like Masters of the Universe, it’s published on the Internet instantly.
The Sexy Armpit exists not to break the news on popular culture, or even report, it but merely to give it’s perspective. The market for pop culture blogs is already saturated. Hopefully you’ll see that our mission isn’t to be quick on the mark, or the MOST nostalgic…but one that doesn’t follow the crowd.
For me, the desire to keep writing will always be there because I enjoy it. It’s obviously not about the money. The hard part is coming up with ideas that haven’t really been done too much on the Internet. If I were to write a piece on the reasons why I’d want to bang Teela, that might be humorous, but I bet some lonely guy has a running list on some site that’s been on a server since ‘94. (apparently the #1 reason is that “She loves Anal“)
The Case of the Perplexing G-String
This one is “just a quickie” (no pun intended) Yeah right, that is impossible. As I sit in front of the computer I have a tissue stuck up my nose and I’m smoking my fake cigarette. This has been perplexing me for a while now so I needed to get in the mood. Since I started school this past semester in September of ’05 and ended a couple of weeks ago, I realized something about the girls at Kean. There seem to be many girls on that campus who wear G-Strings. I would sit in class and certain girls would waltz in and sit down in the rows in front of me and as they sat down I couldn’t help but see their backside where their G-strings would rise out of their pants and way up to their lower back. These weren’t normal G-Strings either. These had rhinestones, some had frilly doily patterns. Where the hell have I been? Personally, I’ve never been with a girl sexually who ever wore a G-string in my prescence.
I find this contradictory to what I had previously believed. I was under the impression that the majority of girls especially those in college wore THONGS. Am I living in the past? Are the days of Sisquo gone? To be honest – HBO comes to mind…”G-String Divas.” Is this show still on? Do they still make new episodes? I have never even seen it, I just know that they always used to show commercials for it relentlessly. Do you think that this show has anything to do with the upsurge in G-String wearing? Obviously our TV habits have an effect on our lifestyle. But I’m not sure in this case.
TO THE FEMALES READING THIS:
DO YOU OWN A G-STRING?
WOULD YOU WEAR IT ON A NORMAL DAY TO CLASS?
Would you wear it on an everyday basis? Like going to the bank? Is this a little odd? This may be a small percentage of girls. Perhaps I’m losing touch with the youth. After all, girls are having sex waay early at like…age 8 now. Personally, I just think a thong or regular underwear is fine young or old. I think jumping to the G-String definitely means SEX. Once you have that on you are hiking it up a few octaves. I just don’t think its necessary especially when a few of the G-Strings in question were seen popping up from girls jeans. Why do you need to wear one with jeans? I can see if it was a tight skirt, dress, spandex pants…whatever. I can see if you are on a beach in Brazil and everyone has one on. I can see you wearing one if you are Paul Stanley. I can see you wearing one if your butt crack needs a good flossing.
I just don’t know that if I was a girl if I would wear one to a school or work environment unless there was a reason. I can see if you are trying to turn on a co-worker or boss. I can see it if you slept at a boyfriends house and you dressed really sexy for him and then you realized you were late for class and had no time to put regular underwear on or even a thong then you just hightailed it to Kean for your Global History of Skankiness 101 class that you never study for cause you’ve aced all the tests. Maybe it’s extra points for the G-String. I sometimes sat there believing that these girls had a pole in their house and they would wake up twirl around it a few times in their G-String and slide down it and then once they hit the botttom floor their clothes would miraculously appear on them like Batman in the 60’s TV series. They slid down as Bruce and Dick (that sounded so dirty) and then appeared in the Batcave at the end of their poles (dirty again) as Batman and Robin. Frankly that was amazing. Who gives a fuck about G-Strings. I want a fucking Batpole so I don’t have to actually get changed in the morning. And what the hell does the G stand for in G-String? Am I missing something? Gyno? Gash?