Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town!

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charlie schlatter,santa claus,new jersey,ferris bueller
Can you hear the bells jingling? I sure can. I also hear The Boss singing those iconic lyrics “You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry, you’d better not pout I’m tellin’ you why…Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town…Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town…Schlatter Claus is Comiiin’ toooo town.”

ferris bueller,george burns,jennifer aniston,charlie schlatter
During the Christmas season there’s plenty of jaded kids all around the world who are questioning the existence of Schlatter Claus. After the short lived Ferris Bueller TV series left a bad taste in people’s mouths, Schlatter Claus went into hiding. I really don’t know why he was so ashamed of himself, I thought the show was pretty damn good. I remember watching it and that’s where I first saw Jennifer Aniston. When Friends became mega popular I used to say, “Hey isn’t that Jeannie Bueller?” But, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Jennifer Aniston is more popular than Charlie Schlatter because that would be completely untrue. OK, so Jennifer Aniston makes it onto the front cover of People magazine, big deal. Literally billions of kids around the world write letters and fan mail to Schlatter Claus every year, so I’d say Schlatter Claus wins that one hands down. I also had a huge crush on Ami Dolenz at the time, but I should stay focused or I’ll go on a tangent about how funny it would be to have a Monkee for a dad. Alas, I’m here to tell you that Schlatter Claus is 100% f-cking real, and he actually IS coming to town! Well, only if you have a DVD player or Netflix that is.

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My man Schlatter Claus was born in Fairlawn, NJ (Englewood, NJ in IMDB), but he’s not just stopping in Jersey to drop off gifts, he’s making sure he visits all of your homes this Christmas. You don’t even have to rely on him coming only ONE day a year because he’s starred in a enough memorable ’80s TV shows and movies to entertain you, not only during Christmas time, but all year long. His film credits include Bright Lights, Big City, 18 Again (step aside Zack Efron!), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, The Delinquents, and even Miss Cast Away featuring a cameo by Michael Jackson. Schlatter went on to concentrate on doing voice work in animated shows such as playing The Flash in The Batman and Superman:The Animated Series as well as various other characters in cartoons such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Captain Planet & the Planeteers, Kim Possible, Bratz, Butt Ugly Martians, and Loonatics Unleashed. Schlatter Claus also voiced characters in a slew of video games like Spiderman 3, Metal Gear Solid 3, Everquest 2, and Punisher. Remember kids, Schlatter Claus will only come to visit your house if you’ve been good girls and boys, so you better be good for goodness sake, and that means NOT insulting the Ferris Bueller TV show!
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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.26: Jersey Devil Video Game

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psx,video games,new jersey
This is the animated intro to the Jersey Devil video game on the original Playstation console. I remember seeing the game in clearance bins at Kaybee several times, but it never looked intriguing enough to actually buy it. Thanks to YouTube user S4muel666 for offering the video!

This time around, The Jersey Devil is the hero for a change. His enemy is a mad scientist who chemically alters veggies and sounds like Scrooge McDuck. The scientist has a minion, Dennis, who is a doting pumpkinhead. Eventually there’s mutated vegetables running rampant throughout the fictional Jersey Town and The Jersey Devil is the only hope. Although, the amount of ass The Jersey Devil can kick in that purple outfit is questionable.

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Pac-Man Power Up Energy Drink!

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pac-man power up energy drink
For the last 2 years, my apartment has been haunted.

I’ve tried everything from contracting a couple of local paranormal investigators, to calling in a family friend who is a priest at the church in town to attempt to exorcise the apartment. I am getting desperate now. Everyone I tell about this thinks I’m out of my frigging mind, and I probably am. Ahh, well, I need to get out of this room, out of the apartment, and enjoy the day. There’s no sense in becoming more exasperated. I’ll figure out how to get rid of this thing. **Note to self, I got rid of my Kenner Proton Pack years ago, so don’t think for a second that I’m going to spend hundreds of bucks on eBay to buy a hollow piece of plastic that has no actual ghost catching abilities.** (My future self will thank me for not draining my Paypal account to relive my youth.)

While on an unplanned trip to Jersey Gardens Mall in Elizabeth, NJ, I found this Pac-Man energy drink at the F.Y.E store. I didn’t expect it to taste very good, I had a feeling it would be a generic citrus flavor since Pac-Man is yellow. It turned out that Ben was f-cking WRONG and my insight DID NOT serve me well!

Even though my hopes weren’t high about its flavor, I held off on drinking this sucker until it was properly chilled. After a few hours, I opened my refrigerator door and there were creatures writhing around and they were growling and snarling, and there were flames and I heard a voice say Zuul! OK, so that was Dana Barrett, not me, but there is no Dana Barrett only Zuul.
After exhausting my Ghostbusters quote quota for the day, I actually got around to trying this energy drink. Upon pouring it, I was surprised that the moderately bubbly liquid was a dark pink color and not the Mountain Dewey yellow I’d imagined. My initial sip informed me that the drink was raspberry flavored and only tasted average. It was very sweet, but different enough to set it apart from other typical energy drinks. If you enjoy raspberry or some sort of generic “berry” flavor that the scientists came up with, then you may really dig this.
pac-man power up energy drink
Pac-Man energy drink is only worth a buy for the novelty factor. The can offers a cool package featuring a graphic of Pac-Man and two ghosts in front of the video games screen. So if you’re one of those people who still has all of their Pac-Man collectibles, cereal box, and bedsheets, then I suggest you hover your round yellow ass over to an F.Y.E store.
Oh and BTW, the Pac-Man energy drink IS actually good for one thing…I just ate a shitload of ghosts that were hanging around my apartment!
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The Jersey Devil Goes Down to Argila

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castlevania

As far as I know, The Jersey Devil hasn’t left the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, but it’s esteem as a cryptid has made references to the mythical creature just as widespread as Bigfoot and The Loch Ness Monster. This month, The Sexy Armpit will take a look at several occasions when The Jersey Devil escaped the Pine Barrens and penetrated pop culture.

Released in 2008 for the Nintendo DS, Castlevania Order of Ecclesia, features a cameo appearance by none other than JD himself. You get to play as the character Shanoa who’s a hot little pixelated number in her own right.

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“May 1983,” written in English Class, 11th grade

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The hysteria for George Lucas’ 3rd installment of his Star Wars epic was to hit screens on Friday May 25th. Many days passed as I joyfully played with my Star Wars action figures, as if Lucas was Santa and watching my every move. Figures were spread all over the floor of my rec room where many galactic battles took place. I begged my older sister to play, after all, I needed a Princess Leia. It was a time when she actually came in handy, but a little brother would have done a better job at playing with action figures.
After waiting anxiously, Friday finally came. “We’re going to see Return of the Jedi!!” my dad announced to me with great enthusiasm. He seemed just as excited as I was. Before jumping around uncontrollably like Mr. Peepers, I froze for a second, puzzled. Did he mean that we were going to see the real thing and go up in a space ship and watch the rebellion get revenge over the dark forces of the evil Empire? I was perplexed. I actually wasn’t sure what was going to happen. You see, this was the first Star Wars film I would be experiencing in the theater.
When we pulled up at the old Menlo Park General Cinema, it all came together. As we walked through the glass doors, I was immediately consumed at the sight of the huge, lush lobby complete with video games and adorned with posters. The aroma of popcorn filled the air and invaded my nostrils. Naturally, it was imperative what came next, “Mommy, I want popcorn!” My dad bought the tickets and as we slowly made our way to the theater I took in every last detail of my surroundings.

My sister held my tiny hand and directed me to look at the Return of the Jedi poster on the wall. I became mesmerized. It was a beautiful collage with Luke Skywalker looking heroic, grasping his trusty lightsaber, Han Solo pointing his blaster at me, the beautiful Princess Leia, cuddly Ewoks, and lurking in the background, the sinister Darth Vader. Just as any other normal kid at the time, I was petrified of the Dark Lord of the Sith. The bottom of the poster, sealed in silver, read RETURN OF THE JEDI.
We made our way through the doors and down the aisle of the theater. It was very dark except for the glow of the previews which projected onto the enormous screen. I didn’t care what was on the screen, it was all a blur. I was in awe of the cavernous room filled with what looked to be a thousand seats. There were so many people, it was packed to the rafters. I stood in the aisle staring upward, mouth open, marveling at how high the ceiling was. Finally, I focused on the screen and remembered what I wanted to do. I jetted in light speed to the front row. The entire row was empty and thinking I hit the jackpot, I plopped myself down in the center seat. With popcorn in lap and feet crossed dangling off the seat, I was ready, but I realized I was missing something. MY FAMILY was a few rows back filing into a patch of 4 seats. My sister must’ve alerted my parents to the fact that I was nowhere to be found. As I looked back I saw my dad waving me back to sit with them. In classic stubborn child mode, I swung my head back and forth in an “absolutely not” fashion. They realized that I would not be giving up my seat.
I won out and my parents and my sister left their seats and sat with me in the first row. That wouldn’t have flown in any other instance, but since it was Return of the Jedi and they were there so I could see the movie, they gave in. Within minutes, the screen went black and John Williams’ score blasted like an ion cannon throughout the theater while the scroll brought us up to speed. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi:

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This experience left a lasting impression on me because it made me a lifelong Star Wars fan, and it began my obsession with movies. At that point in time, going to the movies was still a big deal. Sure there are “event” movies, but not many of them can come close to the magic that the original Star Wars trilogy brought to the screen. More and more younger kids are becoming Star Wars fans and I’m lucky to be able to tell them that I saw my favorite installment of the trilogy in its original theatrical release.

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Back Off Man, I’m From New Jersey!

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Aside from having tons of rain here in the toxic waste capital of the world, it turned out to be a momentous week since we saw the release of Ghostbusters: The Video Game and the original film on Blu-Ray.

I had a feeling that GB on Blu-Ray wasn’t too much different from the previous DVD releases, but it didn’t stop me from ripping open the cellophane on both of these suckers. Straight into the PS3 the game disc went. The video game took what felt like 70 minutes to process its initial 4 GB load, so I entertained myself by actually reading the booklet that was inside the game case. Once I thumbed through the first few pages, I noticed New Jersey reference #1 right here:

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As Ray Stantz began to teach me the art of “ghost wrangling,” I hit the ground running. I’d say I’m not bad at throwing a proton stream, but I still need more practice. It would be a stretch to say that I was as quick a learner as Winston Zeddemore, but I am NO Louis Tully and let’s leave it at that. The rest of the Ghostbusters crew talked to me after I captured a few ghosts in the sub-basement of the firehouse, and that’s when it happened! New Jersey reference #2! It seemed to good to be true, so I captured it on video so you would all have no choice but to believe me:

What’s with the connection between Ghostbusters and New Jersey? Here are some links to my previous posts regarding The Ghostbusters and New Jersey phenomenon:

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