The Devil Inside…The Hard Rock Cafe in Atlantic City, NJ

That Stoned Pimp, The Jersey Devil shilling for The Hard Rock Cafe, Atlantic City in this collectors pin. Here we see JD all duked out in sunglasses, jewelry, and tacky beachwear circa 2003, drinking Martinis on the Jersey Shore with two bikini-clad hotties 

Screw the long lines, head straight to the guitar shaped bar. I find it easy to relax there. The bartender, Cherish, is the type who is very much in control. She knows what she wants and what you want before you even decide. Even if you tell her what you think you want, she’ll correct you and tell you what you actually want. I mean, tell you what you want, what you really, really want. So, yeah, Cherish. I wasn’t sure if her parents were just hippies or if this was one of the best gimmicks ever where all the employees were named after songs. Unfortunately, none of the waitresses were named “Wannabe.” Zigazigah.

CHERISH: “You’ll have a Purple Haze”
JAY: “OK, I’ll have a Purple Haze…and these”

As I said that, I squinted as if I needed reading glasses while scanning the menu with my finger to pinpoint the generic chicken appetizer that I kept going back to. “These” referred to what I get pretty much every time, the The Tupelo Chicken Tenders. Better the devil you know.

At the Hard Rock, always keep it simple. The Tupelo tenders are quick, easy, and do the trick. Plus, for some unexplained reason, at that very moment, you’ll be compelled to spend the majority of the money you have to your name on alcohol anyway, so you won’t have enough resources to splurge on a steak the size of an actual Led Zeppelin. What kind of insidious urge overcomes you at The Hard Rock, Atlantic City? Why, it must be the Devil himself, but the one from New Jersaaay!

The Hard Rock specialty drink, The Purple Haze, IS damn good, but more importantly, where the hell else are you gonna see Buddy Holly’s 6th grade yearbook or a white leather jacket custom made for Richie Sambora straight from the New Jersey era of Bon Jovi? Not even The Smithsonian has relics so vital to our culture. The Louvre is irrelevant to me.

This Hard Rock Cafe pin is pretty badass. The Jersey Devil, circa 2007, looking fierce 
while playing a sick groove on his axe bass.

You might find yourself mishearing what your friends and your waitress are saying because it’s crowded and loud. What’s worse, is that sometimes I’ve waited upwards of 45 minutes to get the food I ordered, but it’s all part of the ambiance. You know what they say “If it’s too loud and your chicken tenders take too long to come out, you’re too old!”

Moreover, music fans go to The Hard Rock to see some of that awesome rock and roll memorabilia. That’s right, you can get tanked, inhale a cheeseburger, and then drool over KISS costumes and Instagram pics of guitars that belonged to Bruce Springsteen and Pete Townshend.

Keep in mind though, if you’re trying to hold on to some semblance of street cred, an establishment known for their overpriced t-shirts/tourist uniforms shouldn’t be your regular hangout.

Although I’ve often fancied myself as some counter culture rocker who cannot play any instruments whatsoever, there aren’t many cooler, more inviting places for me to be in when I’m seeking refuge from the sweltering summer heat on the Atlantic City boardwalk.

For the past couple of years, there’s been talk of an actual Hard Rock boutique hotel and casino coming to AC to inhabit one of the casinos that has closed their doors. Boutique really just translates to EXPENSIVE ROOMS. Hopefully it does open one day, because I’ve always wanted to bare witness to the only existing pair of Meatloaf’s high school gym coach’s sweatpants.

And now, I leave you with a few more pics of some other kind of Jersey Devils!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 116: KISS of DEATH!

This post is appropriate of everything since we are approaching both Friday the 13th AND Valentine’s Day.

At this point in February, ordering a last minute gift online for that special someone probably isn’t the best idea. We’re merely days away from Valentine’s Day, so you’ll have to go to Walgreen’s and get the old standby chocolate assortment in a heart lavishly wrapped in cellophane. Having this tee posted several weeks ago would’ve been infintiely more helpful, but there’s always Arbor Day…you’ll definitely have it in time for that. Oh c’mon, I can’t be the only one who exchanges gifts for that.

Being that we’re beyond the online gift ordering cutoff for V-day, you can still get your special person a little something from Rock n Horror Apparel…for Arbor Day!

This online shop makes some kickass stuff. I came across them on Instagram last year. What grabbed me was their Kiss of Death shirt design. It’s a pun get it? And this next pun is also intended: this shirt is a KILLER! I bought it right away and I’m still in awe that a tee this cool exists.

For a guy like me who is obsessed with both the Friday the 13th franchise AND KISS, this shirt is one maximum mash-up. Emblazoned on the front is the iconic Jason mask adorned with Paul Stanley’s famous Starchild makeup design. The mere idea of combining these two things excites me and makes me wish that KISS would make a sequel to KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park where they have a run-in with the masked, machete wielding killer of Crystal Lake.

My only reservation is that if Jason Voorhees was to embody a member of KISS, he certainly wouldn’t be the charismatic frontman, Paul Stanley. Since Jason is more the quiet and reserved type, I’d peg him for the Catman.

Rock n Horror Apparel was founded by a rocker and a scream queen, hence the namesake. The shop also offers alternate Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Edgar Allan Poe inspired shirts along with various other clothing like thermals, sweats, leggings, tank tops, and even baby Jason Voorhees onesies! Check them out: http://www.rocknhorrorapparel.bigcartel.com

Nerd Lunch Podcast 164: The 4th Chair Army of DOOM!

Some of our Internet cohorts and I banded together for a hostile takeover of the Nerd Lunch Podcast. Villainous guest host Shawn Robare from Branded in the ’80s, Jaime from ShezCrafti, Rondal Scott from Strange Kids Club and myself infiltrated the Nerd Lunch HQ and started recording our own show in place of CT, Pax, and Jeeg. Just like the super-villains we are, we pondered some of our most favorite cartoon villains, those villains who influenced our career as evildoers. I had fun doing this one, mostly because I had a chance to talk about two of my favorite topics: villains and cartoons. Just a note about my monologue in the beginning of the show: that was a joint effort between Shawn and I. Shawn wrote the thing and then I added a few things, changed some wording, and made it my own, but credit should be given to Shawn for that as well! Do you think the real Nerd Lunch crew will be able to get their show back? Take a listen to find out and let us know your favorite cartoon villains!

Attack of the Morningside Monster – Film Review

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Recently I watched the 2014 independent horror/thriller Attack of the Morningside Monster and in this post I’ll provide you with my spoiler free thoughts on the film.

First, the synopsis. Set in the fictional small town of Morningside, New Jersey, we’re immediately introduced to an ominous figure in a black hooded cape whose about to apprehensively cut someone in half with an electric blade.

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After we’re acquainted with the central characters, a body is found in the woods. From there, the police force, Sheriff Tom Haulk (Robert Pralgo) and Deputy Klara Austin (Tiffany Shepis), begin to piece together what can only be described as a series of ritualistic murders in their quiet town.

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What’s stumping the cops is the symbol of a crossed out eye that’s left at the scene of each murder. Deputy Austin offers that it might be a gang sign similar to those she saw during her time working in the Bronx. The killer intentionally leaves this mark at the scene of his crimes in the vein of a ’60s Batman villain, which strikes me as silly. Why would the killer go out of their way to draw attention to themselves?

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With the assistance of a university professor, Sheriff Haulk deduces that the killer has stolen a rare Central American ceremonial mask and a tribal mace from their collection and the symbol is a ritualistic mark from this same tribe.

The killers mask itself is almost reminiscent of the Witch Doctor from Scooby-Doo:

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The movie had its quirks, quite a few of them actually. Here’s the biggest issue: I figured out the entire plot about 15 minutes in to the film.

The film gave too much away early on. Merely seeing the glimpse into the killers “lair” from the onset reveals that they’re in some kind of basement or unfinished area of a house. What the killer is doing to their prey, (removing their body parts and putting them into a bowl), combined with other glaring details, made it easy to figure out the rest of the movie.

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There’s a lot of time spent on creating dramatic scenes to divert the viewers attention when there’s really no mystery about who the killer is. If you’ve seen a decent amount of horror or mysteries, you will figured out the plot rather quickly.

More severe than the previous issues I had, is the peculiar drug angle of the film. In contrast with the bit in the summary on the back of the DVD regarding “deadly serious local drug runners,” their ring leader and his stereotypical goons are not easy to take seriously. The two street dealers who they supply are not written as if they are everyday weed dealers. In fact, you may know one or more people who buy or sell weed in your daily life and they are pretty much just like anyone else. In this film though, the girl Jamie talks about how she “really needs a hit,” as she looks all cracked out and addicted. Judging solely by the content of this film, with lines uttered by her brother like “I know where he grows it,” he’s definitely referring to smoking weed – a drug that only an extremely low percentage of users get addicted to.

Putting this whole notion over the top is the fact that after she exchanges the bag of weed with Mark (Nicholas Brendon) for his money, (with the typical “you got the money, you got the stuff?” Oh my Lord) she sweetens the deal for him, offering to orally stimulate him for another $20 bucks. BARGAIN. It seems to me that this film assumes that girls who smoke weed A) look and act like crack addicts B) are total whores. I don’t know who’s worse either, her brother/weed selling confidant, Haws, who’s constantly chewing on a match stick. Do you know anyone that does that? I’ll take back every criticism I have of this film if they can computer generate that shit right out of his mouth. Clearly, someone thought it was a good idea.

The Sheriff’s best friend from childhood, Mark has a wife with a terminal illness, so there’s no reason why he would have to go to crazy lengths to procure illegal street weed when he could easily have her signed up for medicinal marijuana. Why does he have to sneak around if his wife has a major medical reason to have it?

I realize how much painstaking work goes into making independent films and my critique of the movie is in no way an affront, since I respect the filmmakers and what they’ve created here. In fact, the writer of the film, Jayson Palmer, is a fellow Jersey guy. In an interview on the Whatever Works blog, he says that he is “…a Jersey boy, through and through. I was born in Dover and raised in Wharton, which is a small blue collar town in North, central Jersey. I have a lot of love for that small little town. Morningside is based on Wharton. Or at least the town how I remembered it growing up.” Palmer went on to mention that he “…wouldn’t be surprised if Morningside popped up now and then in some future project.”

The main cast was commendable, full of indie and b-movie veteran actors. Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Xander, Nicholas Brendon, stars and co-produces the film. His agitated performance as Mark Matthews is easily the highlight of the film. Matthews is a school teacher caring for his wife who’s afflicted with cancer and he’s doing everything he can to help her, meanwhile trying keep his own life together. His lifelong best friend is Sheriff Haulk played by Robert Pralgo who provides an almost sickeningly sweet turn as the quintessential good cop. Let’s just say both of these characters have interesting twists which I won’t spoil. And not just the token hottie, we have Tiffany Shepis as the tough Deputy Austin working for the Sheriff.

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Even though the movie was filmed in The Peach State, the visuals of the town evoke the more rural areas of Jersey. Parts of Northwestern and Southwestern Jersey aren’t as city-like and overpopulated as what is typically associated on-screen with NJ. The filmmakers were careful to incorporate geographical authenticity. Morningside had all the nice little touches that I expect from a film set in Jersey. All the cars had Jersey license plates, Trenton was name dropped, and one of the guys in the woods sitting around with his friends by a fire even wore a hat that explicitly specified what state they were in! I love it.

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Will you enjoy Attack of the Morningside Monster? It depends. I tend to support independent films, but, in general, horror fanatics will likely feel neutral about it. The film would’ve benefited from trumping up the scares and dropping a good chunk of the drug dealer subplot. In fact, Mark’s wife’s cancer issue was better kept as a subplot as well even if that meant making major script alterations. At 93 minutes the movie is pretty lean, but there’s still moments where the movie is meandering. It’s described on the back of the DVD as a “race against time,” but it’s not as pulse pounding as it sounds.

The film is worth watching to see how it culminates. Too much is revealed early on to make the ending hit you in the gut, but it’s not without merit. The payoff was pretty satisfying and one of the more positive aspects of the movie. One of the reveals toward the end, after we find out the killer’s identity, had a slight Twilight Zone feel to it, although I wish the entire film had that same eerie quality.

Without a big scare or a cliffhanger at the end, Morningside succeeds in providing the viewer with the notion that there’s a slight possibility that we’ll see this killer again…maybe on Netflix? A sequel would be an outstanding way to highlight the masked Shaman killer, thereby creating a new low- budget horror franchise that would likely garner some buzz and thrive amongst the horror-con scene. Ultimately, without some major tweaking, it’s limited as a franchise. Technically, you’d be cheering the killer instead of fearing. There’s still some hope though, The Morningside Monster has built a nice back story for itself.

Aside from Jigsaw from SAW, it’s a challenge to incorporate cancer into horror films because I feel like horror is my escape from the real world. While watching horror movies, I prefer to turn off my brain and just have fun. Attack of the Morningside Monster became more of a horror-drama rather than a horror-thriller. If the sex scene and few moments of gore get cut out, I could totally see this on Lifetime during the Halloween season.

Attack of the Morningside Monster is available on Video on Demand and download from most of the major online providers. On DVD 1/20/15. The movie was produced by Blue Dusk Productions and Making Monster Productions. I was provided with a review copy of this film.

The Neighbors Nerdfest Number 2: Merry Crap-Mas

 

An instant holiday classic, The Neighbors episode “Merry Crap-Mas,” originally aired on December 5th, 2012. Let’s take a look at some of the best stuff from this yuletide episode.

Contained in this episode is the best Christmas morning scene in television history. You may not believe me right now, but by the end of the post I’ll make a believer out of you.

The story begins at the end of the episode and then we rewind to see how Merry Crap-Mas came to be. The Weavers roll a wheel barrow full of gifts over to their alien neighbors, The Bird-Kersees, because they need to hide the kids gifts in their house in order to for them not to snoop and find them. Remember, the Neighbors are aliens and they are completely unaware of the Christmas traditions. What Larry Bird does know about Christmas is that he feels it’s an “…orgy of commercialism.”

DEBBIE WEAVER:
“Christmas is about family and smiles and the joy of being together, the gifts are just one tiny part of it.”
LARRY BIRD:
“Oh yes, and there’s that fat slovenly burglar you call Santa Claus. Honestly, put on an apron for God’s sake fatso!”

Abby, instructing her parents on her letter to Santa:
“You should probably fax it, it’s getting pretty late.”

“I hated all three of them just now Marty, in that moment I hated all three of our children.” – Debbie Weaver, in reference to her “greedy little monsters”

“Can you remind me again why we want to be alone on an island with these children?” – Marty Weaver

“God what the hell? Is this the constitution? Who makes amendments to a Christmas list?” – Debbie Weaver

After being frustrated by their selfish kids who are all about the presents, The Weavers decide that they want to return all the gifts that they purchased and use the money to take the family on a tropical vacation. They decide on a time share in Hawaii. Marty is excited because this specific time share has that “tushy squirting thing.” Tushy squirting thing FTW.

 

Throwing a wrench into their new plan are The Bird-Kersees. At first, they just gazed at the tower of Christmas presents that were “hidden” in the middle of their house. It was mere moments before they tried to guess what was in all the wrapped boxes. Curiosity got the best of Larry and he started poking and ripping at one of the presents. Larry was overcome with the exhilaration of unwrapping a gift since he’s never done it before. Once he started ripping one open, the whole family joined in and triumphantly started tearing open ALL the gifts without realizing the consequences.

Larry’s sentiments of Christmas went into full reversal. Suddenly his feelings were incredibly positive as if he was Scrooge after encountering all the Christmas Ghosts.

LARRY BIRD:
(about little Abby) “…her teeth keep falling out of her face. What’s gonna fall off next? Her nose?”
DICK BUTKUS:
“Oh Father, I love when you make fun of children!”

The Weaver’s dilemma now is that they can’t return the gifts because the neighbors and all the other aliens in their community are playing with the gifts that the Bird-Kersees tore open with glee. They are inadvertently destroying them, doing insane things like tossing a brand new iPad around like its a Frisbee!

JACKIE JOYNER-KERSEE:
“So, we really screwed your pooch on this one.”
DEBBIE WEAVER:
“Oh Jackie, not only did you screw my pooch but you didn’t call her the next day either.”
LARRY BIRD:
“I admit it, I was wrong about Christmas. It’s a lovely holiday. The things, the trees, the snow…the things.”
DICK BUTKUS:
“Christmas is magical father, magical!”

Larry reveals his adoration for The Muppets:
“Tell you what, let’s watch The Muppets a Christmas Carol again – The Muppets, I like. I can really get down with The Muppets…” followed by his Kermit impression.

*Heard in the episode is Kermit the Frog singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

“I have never been so wrong about anything in my life, I love Christmas.” – Larry Bird

“I’m totally joyous, I have sugar plums in my head…” – Larry Bird

Larry has a change of heart and realizes that The Weavers have been good to him and his family so he sets out to right his wrong and save their Christmas.

 

Larry enlists his son Dick and their mission to rectify the situation is engaged. This entire sequence is so completely haywire and I’m in love with every second of it. Larry and son slow-mo walk to the tune of “Christmas in Hollis.” With this kind of build-up you know shit is about to get real. First stop, Larry takes his son Dick to the strip club…to get some girls to play a role in his master plan. Then they buy some pigs and ride home on their golf cart adorned with a Christmas tree and strippers.

Dumbfounded, the Weavers woke up to see this on Christmas morning:

What a scene it was! Larry Bird went all out to make this day special as indicated by the giant Christmas tree he stole from a car dealership, a Tiki statue, Hula dancers, a Polynesian fire dancer and bongo players, some farm animals, Christmas carolers, and Dick Butkus (remember, the whole family is named after famous American sports icons) as Tiny Tim who even delivers the classic line “God Bless Us Everyone.”

 

After the initial shock of the visual that the Weavers woke up to, Larry Bird waltzes in dressed as the jolly old elf who he was wise cracking about earlier. I think they had all bases covered here. Larry recreated his neighbors would-be Hawaiian vacation and then some. I’d say he more than made up for what he and his family did.

In one of the funniest scenes, Larry opens a yet unopened package to find an Etch-a-Sketch which he mistakes for “the new iPad.” He asks the famous drawing toy, “Siri, did I really ruin their Christmas?” Siri does not respond. Later, after trying to speak to Siri again and growing frustrated, Larry claims that he’s “gonna go Kindle.”

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.83: The Ghosts of Christmas Eve

The holiday rock extravaganza that is the world renowned Trans-Siberian Orchestra left their mark here in New Jersey – Jersey City to be exact. The Ghosts of Christmas Eve, their made for TV concert special that originally aired on the Fox Family Channel on December 14, 1999, was filmed here in Jersey’s most famous movie house that opened 70 years prior in 1929.

As we’ve mentioned many times before here at The Sexy Armpit, the classic Loews Jersey theater, located in Journal Square, is one of our state treasures and it’s actually a star of this production in its own right. The beautifully shot special highlights glimpses of the theater’s cavernous ceilings, and the rich, finely detailed interior. It’s fitting that the concert is titled The Ghosts of Christmas Eve, because I wouldn’t be surprised if the Loews Jersey theater has some ghosts of its own.

It’s not just you average concert. What makes this stand out is the combination of the thunderous music with striking holiday visuals that help weave in the plot of a runaway girl who wishes she’ll be welcomed back into her home by her family. The story begins on Christmas Eve where we join the girl as she hides in an abandoned theater – the legendary Loews Theatre in Jersey City.

The TSO are incredible musicians and it translates into their concerts which often evoke a haunting quality, ultimately they’re very uplifting, but there are elements that conjure up memories and emotions, especially during the holidays. This spectacle may give you feelings of inspiration, forgiveness, and in this case, you may recall a lost loved one, like the runaway daughter whose story unfolds during the concert.

Ten songs are blasted through in just under 45 minutes, so there’s no time to be bored. Some of the highlights include “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24,” “Joy to the World,” as well as several guest performances, two of which were Jewel and Michael Crawford. I’d forgotten how lovely Jewel is and her version of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” was equally as enchanting. Later on, perhaps the key moment in the special is a resounding performance of “O Holy Night,” from the former Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford. If that didn’t awaken the ghosts in the theater nothing else could.

The Ghosts of Christmas Eve is subtle yet bombastic, well crafted, and breathtaking. It will enhance your Christmas Spirit and it will also provide fare different than the typical stuff airing constantly on TV throughout December. It’s also perfect to play in the background while you’re putting decorations up or you have company over. Bonus if you have surround sound! You don’t have to be a huge TSO fan to fully enjoy this, but fans of rock music in general would get the most appreciation out of it, especially those from New Jersey. This special is still available on DVD.

A Very Jason Xmas

Christmas gifts don’t only arrive on December 25th, they can appear all month long. I’m alluding to the bevy of Friday the 13th related stuff that’s coming down the pike. It’s an exciting time for us Friday the 13th Fans! Let’s take a look at what’s popping up from the depths of Crystal Lake…

First, the 9-part fan film series, Jason Xmas, has  been released in installments on YouTube for the past several months over at Scared Stiff TV. As we rapidly approach Christmas, the final parts will start to appear. Although many fans won’t be able to stomach Jason as a pseudo-Santa, it’s still a lot of fun to watch, and it gives those of us in the Christmas spirit more material to enjoy during the holiday season. Parts of the series were actually filmed in Blairstown, NJ the town where much of the original film was shot.

Also over on Scared Stiff TV you can check out Jason Voorhees vs Santa Claus in a ridiculously awesome “wrestling” attraction match from the HWF (The Horror Wrestling Federation). I would have never expected to see Jason face off against that jolly old elf! I have to hand it to the people over at Scared Stiff for putting out some creative stuff. This video mixes Jason Voorhees, Christmas, and Pro-Wrestling all into one spectacle. Jason’s miraculously knows his way around the ring and Santa seems to have slimmed down quite a bit to get into shape for this big match.


NECA’s 8-bit style Glowing Jason mask has been released! This baby is actually wearable and I bet it will get snatched up quickly by collectors. You can read more about it at NECAs site.

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2015 has three Friday the 13ths and one of them is in March which also means MONSTER MANIA TIME! The gang from the original F13 will be there to celebrate the 35th birthday of the beloved film. It happens the weekend of March 13th – 15th at the Crowne Plaza in Cherry Hill, NJ.

Ultimately, we F13 fans await the brand new Friday the 13th film in 2016 which is insanely exciting for me as it’s my favorite horror franchise of all time. Many fans weren’t overly fond of the 2009 version, but I thought it was serviceable. Hopefully the rumor is true that the new one takes place in the ’80s!

Sludgey’s Christmas Wish: The Sexy Armpit Christmas Special 2014!

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I’m happy to present to you our very first Christmas Special. In it, Sludgey wants nothing more than for me to mail his letter to Santa Claus, but I wouldn’t (I had my reasons). Then I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I hope you enjoy it. Happy Holidays from The Sexy Armpit!

The Sexy Armpit’s Christmas Excursion Into The Ice Caverns

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It seems like the post Halloween blues affect me longer with each passing year. I get into a weird lackadaisical funk where I have no energy or motivation for anything. Who knows, it could be seasonal affective disorder or it’s just the fact that my favorite time of the year has come to an end only to make way for frigid temperatures and darkness before 5pm. Winter sucks…except for Christmas, of course. Yet, as deeply immersed as I always get into the holidays, sometimes my Christmas spirit needs a little kick in the ass. I’m sure you can relate. Around here, there’s so many opportunities to send a surge of cheer into my veins, and after some minimal research online, I found a place that I knew would make me feel like I just visited Kris Kringle’s condo in the North Pole.

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“Home of the Christmas Ice Caverns”
It’s clearly their bread and butter because I don’t know how many people 
are clamoring for King Neptune statues nowadays.

I couldn’t go this one alone because I had a feeling it would be too good not to share with friends. Dinosaur Dracula happened to be in the mood for a cup of cheer (a.k.a Tequila), so we brought the ladies and I drove up to Fairfield, NJ. We were all going into this blind. None of us had been to The Ice Caverns before, nor did we even know much about it. I had read stuff about it online for the past couple of years, but considering it was inside of a place called Jody’s Silk Florist and Patio Center, I had my doubts and never made it out for it. To my surprise, this has been a well known Christmas tradition around the state since 1967, but by the time I muster up the motivation for excursions like this, Christmas is usually over.

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After having to pull a couple of u-turns on Route 46, we parked and took in the surroundings. The exterior was interesting to say the least and we knew we were in for a real treat. The building looked like it was from the ’70s. Between the Christmas tree and shrub emporium next door, and the crazy statues all around, it all looked like a giant mish-mosh of retro insanity adorned in Christmas lights. Man, I already want to go back.

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We didn’t even enter the building yet and Matt and I were already calling dibs on what quarter ride-on machines we were each going to spotlight. My intensity and the guttural noises emanating from my body regarding the Flintmobile seen here were not only obnoxious and loud, but made everyone shy away from me like I was a crazy person.

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Maximum mark-out for the Flintmobile. After spending $250 dollars on what I thought was a simple trip for an oil change earlier that day, I had a bunch of other stuff I needed done and situations like that make me fantasize about riding to work in a car that absolutely cannot break down unless stepped on by a dinosaur and that vehicle is definitely The Flintmobile. Plus, if I had one I could quit my gym because I’d be getting a badass workout at the same time, but I’d show up at work like a sweaty disgusting mess. Scratch that idea, I’ll just snap the picture.

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Making our way inside, our brains were bombarded with a bevy of Christmas decorations, trees, ornaments, dolls, and knick-knacks of all kinds spread over 10,000 square feet. That was all good, but just like in The Goonies, I felt like yelling “Where’s the gold Mikey!” I wasted no time asking the cashier impatiently “Which way to the Ice Caverns?” I was getting such a good feeling about what we were in for. It almost felt like the moments before going on an old rickety dark ride that is so classic it can’t be beat, even by todays standards.

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Admission was reasonable, only about $3 bucks per person, a bargain in New Jersey. Even with that kind of pricing I still found their giant reprinted old school style Christmas coloring books to be way overpriced at nearly $20 bucks!

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Originally, upon reading about a store that featured an intricate Christmas display, what I pictured in my mind was puny in comparison to the enchanting, vintage scenes they conjured up here at the Ice Caverns. Think old school department store windows, but made into a Christmas walk through attraction that will infuse you with more Christmas vibes than you can ever ask for. It’s basically an orgy of vintage Christmas ambiance, animatronics, lights, and Santa isn’t even the kicker! There’s one ultra-amazing window in particular that nunchucked its way into our hearts.

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There’s a group of pizza loving amphibious creatures that live down in the sewer and know some fancy ninja moves, you know who I’m talkin’ about, right? That’s right, our friends the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had their very own custom made Christmas themed window scene, and folks, it was incredible. They called it a “Cowabunga Christmas.” In the scene, The Turtles all had Santa hats on and were set up in a sewer lair scene and were decorating for Christmas. Raph is dressed as Santa while Michelangelo balanced a pizza on top of his head. This was truly a Christmas miracle.

On the way to get some food afterwards, I commented on how the Turtles looked homemade and Matt made the good point that they had to have been leftovers from back in the early ’90s because they definitely looked like they were based off the movie Turtles. Either way they looked fantastic.

There were other awesome things about the Ice Caverns and our other exploits that night and I’m fairly certain you’ll be hearing about a few of the key ones over at Dinosaur Dracula very soon!

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This is one of those quirky places that New Jersey is known for. We have so many of them that it’s easy to let them slip through your fingers. Hell, I didn’t even know about this place until recently and I’ve lived here my whole life. There are about 100 other obscure places like this around our state and thanks to blogs and podcasts they are getting a lot more buzz than ever. People like us, the nostalgia buffs and the pop culture freaks, we feed on places like this. This is the perfect day trip for kids as well as adult kids like me. The Ice Caverns will surely make you drool, but your drool will taste like peppermint of course and you’ll go home with your Christmas spirit jacked up to the highest degree.

The Ice Caverns are located inside of:
Jody’s Silk Florist and Patio Center in Fairfield, NJ
http://www.jodyssilkflorist.com/thechristmasstore.html

The Neighbors Nerdfest Number 1: Thanksgiving is for The Bird-Kersees

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One of the themes of Thanksgiving is sharing your leafed-out dining room table full of intricately prepared foods and adorned with crafty centerpieces the kids made at school with all of your family and friends, and the occasional drunk uncle or nomadic cousin who tends to show up randomly, but only if it’s a leap year. I’m not much of a cook, so this year I’m serving up some nerdery as a gesture of thanks to a show that’s been cancelled by ABC, The Neighbors. Unfortunately, if that nomadic cousin does stop by, the chair you usually leave open for him will be occupied this year, so he’s S.O.L.

It’s only been a few months since it’s cancellation was announced, but The Neighbors deserves much more reverence than it received initially. I’ve been meaning to come up with a way to properly memorialize this wonderful show, one of my favorites of the past few years, and I’ve finally figured it out.

This post marks the first installment of a recurring column dedicated to random episodes where I’ll point out some of my favorite stuff from each episode. This could include favorite quotes, gags, jokes, scenes, and basically anything I found amusing.

And now a very brief explanation on why I was inspired to start this column. The sharp writing and likable cast on The Neighbors had a lot to do with how I got so wrapped up in it. After the first couple of episodes aired, I wasn’t hooked, but that’s so typical of me. It wasn’t until I continued watching my buildup of DVR’d episodes that I really got where they were going with it. The creator and writer, Dan Fogelman, is a Jersey guy and he’s damn proud of it, hence the alien neighbors in New Jersey plotline. What’s not to like? Originally I thought that this theme had been done before, but this show is influenced by tropes from all kinds of classic shows with a nice hefty dose of sarcasm and relevant pop culture references that impressed the hell out of me.
Would I have been as in love with this show if it weren’t for the New Jersey setting? I can’t say the Jersey aspect makes a huge impact on the show, save for a few license plates and mall mentions, and it’s not like the kids from Jersey Shore live next door, they’re actual aliens. What really makes a huge impression is the cast whose chemistry is a dream come true for the production. The casting director has to be commended. It sounds preposterous, but all the main cast members make me laugh. No exaggeration, Jami Gertz is brilliant in this role and she’s never been properly complimented for her versatility. Plus, she’s still a hottie. I had such a crush on her when I was a kid. F*ckin’ STAR!
There’s a lot more I could say about the show, but this is supposed to be a recurring column, so I won’t blow my load of commentary prematurely.
The Weavers upgrade from an apartment in Bayonne, NJ to a town house elsewhere in New Jersey. They come to find out their neighbors are aliens who have inhabited their gated community and taken on human bodies until they can get back to their planet. The alien family, The Bird-Kersees, are all named after famous American sports figures. With that out of the way, HERE WE GO!
Here’s my favorite stuff from EPISODE 8 
“THANKSGIVING IS FOR THE BIRD-KERSEES”
Originally aired: November 14th 2012
The Weavers are trying to weasel their way out of having Marty’s parents over for Thanksgiving because they always ridicule him and disparage his wife Debbie for making shitty Turkey. Marty tells his parents that “The oven is broken” and they want to cancel.

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After Marty gets offended that his dad is insulting him and calling his new place a “condo,” he feels the need to prove to his parents that he has a nice new town home. Ultimately, he reneges and re-invites them only to find out that Debbie has invited their neighbors, the Bird-Kersees, over as well so they can experience their first Thanksgiving.

This episode solves mystery of the crop circles:

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“We live in New Jersey I drive a mini van, I’m built for fine.” – Debbie Weaver (Jami Gertz)
Marty asks his Dad if he’d like to have a tour of the town house and his father looks around and replies, “I just took it, maybe a nice cold beer can take a tour of my mouth” – Marty’s Dad, Dominick is played superbly bitter by Stacy Keach.
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“AWESOME, I always wanted to wear genocide!” – Amber Weaver in reply to receiving the nifty homemade Thanksgiving sweater that her grandmother knitted for her

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Abby, The Weavers poor daughter astonished and disgusted expression upon seeing the turkey sweater her grandma gave her:

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The kids then take kitchen utensils and beat the hell out of the evil sweater: “We have to kill the sweater!”
“She’s in the car pouting and you’re eating Meersh-mal-ow out of a bag.” – Reggie Jackson’s pronouncing Marshmallows in the most awesomely wrong way possible.
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“Thanksgiving is HELL. The only good parts are the day before when everything is possible and the day after when everyone goes home. In between it’s just a feast of self loathing and gluttony with a side of shame and all you can do is just hunker down and accept it.” – Debbie Weaver

“Better crack a window Theresa it’s a long way home and that turkey’s going right through me” – Marty’s Dad as he and his wife depart another disastrous Thanksgiving.