A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
Here’s a Six Flags Great Adventure coupon book from 2008 that I scanned to show you. It combines 2 of my favorites: Batman and Six Flags Great Adventure. Of course, animation is also one of my obsessions as well and that’s also represented with Six Flags occasional mascot, Bugs Bunny. I prefer Bugs over the bald, dancing, “more flags, more fun” guy.
What’s better than The Dark Knight Coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure? Almost every ride in the park HA! After Six Flags debuted the last DC Comics Superhero inspired ride The Dark Knight Coaster in a vastly disappointing 2008 premiere, it seems that they are about to redeem themselves.
Presently, The World’s Finest heroes are both heavily represented at Great Adventure. Batman and Superman rides are among some of the best in the park (aside from the lame Dark Knight coaster) which leaves the other members of the Justice League green with envy. One DC hero in particular isn’t going to take it sitting down.
Opening May 25th, the new Green Lantern coaster will be a thrilling experience based on GL’s mystical power ring. The super smooth ride stands 154 feet tall and reaches speeds of 63 mph. It’s now among the tallest and fastest coasters in the world. According to the Six Flags press release the ride will be a towering “…15 stories high with over three quarters of a mile of twisting green steel, this new stand-up coaster will take you on a journey of epic proportions.”
I can’t think of a better movie tie-in than a brand new roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure. Green Lantern is finally getting the credit he deserves. People will be coming from all over the place to ride this one! It’s a 2 minute and 30 second adrenaline rush for most people. For me, it’ll be 2 minutes and 30 seconds pretending I’m flying around like Hal Jordan. Hopefully the standing up-upside down part won’t make people morph their green energy into puddles of vomit.
Six Flags Great Adventure
1 Six Flags Boulevard
Jackson, NJ
Have you ever actually bought an old, used, smelly, stained t-shirt on eBay? Personally, I can’t say that I have, but there must be enough people out there who do because there sure are a ton of eBay stores that specialize in what they call “vintage” t-shirts. In this case, vintage is a word that makes old and worn out sound somewhat desirable. These t-shirts aren’t the trendy, distressed, logo tees that you see at Target labeled Large but only seem to fit boys in 3rd grade, rather they are from whatever year YOU were in the 3rd grade. In many households the next step for these tees is either the trash, or the nearest good will clothing bin. The Sexy Armpit would probably throw the better quality ones in the good will bin, while the shittiest one would be used to dust off old electronics. We are in America after all, a country where so many people out there think, “why can’t we make a buck off of these ancient rags rather than donate them to people who are less fortunate.” What complete douchebags.
You might think that Bugs would get mobbed when visiting a casino in Atlantic City, but actually it’s only the tourists that bother him. You see, Bugs is a Jersey boy. I know what you’re thinking right now. “Oh my Lord! Here he goes again, bragging about how everyone is connected to New Jersey!!!” It is true though, aside from the Easter Bunny, the hometown of the most famous bunny of pop culture is Perth Amboy, NJ! If you don’t believe me, start Googling!
Considering he’s a Jersey Bunny, Bugs is no stranger to the ins and outs of Atlantic City. Keeping with the anonymity thing, Bugs rolls down to A.C in his piece of shit 1996 Ford Aspire which he bought new when he received his huge windfall from signing on to star in Space Jam. It turned out to be quite a good investment since no one really ever thinks to look over at a Ford Aspire on the highway to see if an animated rabbit is driving it. The only downside is that it doesn’t drive too fast. While the Aspire plods down the GSP, adjacent in the EZ Pass Express lane, Road Runner meep meeps right passed him leaving Bugs in a cloud of dust digging for change to pay the toll.
Welcome to Atlantic City! Maybe the initials on this shirt should stand for “We’re Broke,” because that’s what many people are saying when they leave, much like this couple:
DAN: “Umm…honey?’
DAN’S WIFE: “Yes Dear?”
DAN: “I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I gambled away all of little Emma’s college money…but I bought this really cute Bugs Bunny shirt with my comp dollars! It’s a little big, but you can wear it to bed!”
DAN’S WIFE: “WHAT?!?! Are you f-cking kidding me?!?! Do I have to call Rocky and Mugsy to fix this? And what in the name of Speedy Gonzales made you think I’d want a freaking Bugs Bunny t-shirt? You know my favorite is Hippety Hopper you broke bastard!”
*If you did any Googling to see if there is any truth to Bugs hailing from Perth Amboy, I commend you. If you didn’t and you simply don’t believe me, then believe this: Bugs Bunny Land resided at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ from 1988 to 2004. Presently, Six Flags Great Adventure features Bugs Bunny National Park in addition to a couple of rides in the Looney Tunes Seaport. So how do ya like them carrots?
Bruce Springsteen didn’t just pull a random New Jersey road out of the back pocket of his jeans to name drop in “Born to Run.” Much like the escalator in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, Route 9 should be feared and respected. Not only is the road filled with potholes in many stretches of it’s Garden State sprawl, but it’s also known for it’s fast, furious, and f-cked up drivers. If you have the choice, you’re better off staying away and re-routing your GPS. And whatever you do, don’t walk on the side of the highway, or as Dr. Evazan said in the cantina scene in Star Wars… “You’ll be DEAD!” Or to one up myself…as Admiral Bruce Ackbarsteen said “It’s a DEATH TRAP!”
This article from Jackson NJ Online News featured a report on New Jersey’s Most Dangerous Roads for Pedestrians. If you live in Jersey, reading this information is vital to your survival! Route 9 comes in at number 2 on the list, but then again, Bruce Springsteen didn’t mention US-130 in one of his immortal songs now did he?