NJ Archives - Page 9 of 11

WWE Extreme Rules Comes To IZOD Center

Posted on February 6, 2014 by sexyarmpit

WWE Extreme Rules Comes To The IZOD Center In East Rutherford, NJ on 5/4/14

Tickets on sale Saturday 2/22 at 10:00 AM

It’s been the mission of every crowd at televised WWE events to try to one-up the rowdy RAW audience following Wrestlemania 29. Not only was that the same night that The Sexy Armpit’s article was shown on RAW, but it also reminded the crowd that they hold the power. After all, we are the fans and we’re the people keeping the WWE in business.

The 2014 Royal Rumble crowd last month was formidable, but people are still talking about the rambunctious crowd at IZOD. At least we’re good for something here in Jersey. Loud and obnoxious is in our DNA. The big question is, with the Extreme Rules Pay Per View coming to IZOD Center on May 4th, 2014, is WWE trying to make lightning strike twice? WWE sure as hell likes to go back to the same well pretty often. Look at sequel matches like HBK/Razor in the Ladder Match 2, and even most recently, Rock/Cena 2, why not IZOD CROWD 2?

Extreme Rules is one of the few of the “filler events” as I refer to them meaning anything not the big 4 that I actually enjoy. There’s usually some exciting and often insane stuff going on in the matches, but is Batista really their big selling point for this event? This guy gets ALL CAPS? Personally, I really hope the whole CM Punk thing is a big work. The WWE isn’t the same without him. One thing is for sure, Extreme Rules will need to be a superior show to make up for his absence.

Extreme Rules will be available on the new WWE Network and also Pay Per View. Until the option of ordering the event through your cable company ceases to exist, the term Pay Per View will remain, but it’s already becoming antiquated with the Network subscription model. Extreme Rules will eventually just become an “event.” Can the crowd in East Rutherford make it into a truly memorable one? That will be determined on May 4th!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 112: Kal Penn Tweets His Tee During The Super Bowl

Posted on February 4, 2014 by sexyarmpit

It was New Jersey’s first Super Bowl. You’d think I’d be glued to the TV. Nope. It took Radio Shack’s ’80s commercial and The Electric Mayhem Band starring in a Toyota ad to pique my interest, otherwise I spent most of the night on Twitter giggling at the amusing shit people were coming up with while poking fun at the train wreck that was happening merely miles away in MetLife Stadium.

Astoundingly, I somehow managed to scrounge some content out of such an awful game. One of the tweets that I kept on reserve (retweeted by @faceman802!) was from producer, actor, Obama team member, and Jersey guy, Kal Penn. He’s otherwise known as Kumar from the Jersey classic, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

Kal Penn proudly displaying his awesome t-shirt via a Tweet during the Super Bowl last Sunday

Presently, Penn, who also starred in Van Wilder and Superman Returns, works in the White House Office of Public Engagement, and he certainly engaged me with this tweet.

Penn was born in Montclair and later attended middle school in Howell followed by high school in Freehold Township. According to his Wikipedia page, during high school, Penn was involved in theater and the forensics team. One thing is certain, he hasn’t lost his Jersey sense of humor!

Escape From New Jersey Is An Actual Thing

Posted on February 4, 2014 by sexyarmpit

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWpFE4bUMdY]

As I tweeted like a madman last night during the Super Bowl, I noticed a lot of people wondering how Kurt Russell got roped into cutting an intro promo for the game. Miss Sexy Armpit was curious as well. I didn’t find it to be such a stretch since Kurt Russell played badass dudes in movies like Big Trouble in Little China and Escape from New York among others. The Super Bowl producers probably thought it was appropriate for an action film icon like him to pump viewers up for the game.

Although Russell is always welcome in my book, viewers in Jersey were already excited, since the Bowl itself took place in New Jersey, not New York as the media would lead you to believe. Coincidentally, as I’m sure you’re aware, Kurt Russell played Snake Plissken in Escape From New York, and he also escaped L.A in 1996, but did you know that he was also faced with trying to Escape From New Jersey? And no, he wasn’t trying to squeeze onto a mobbed train out of Secaucus after the Super Bowl.

New Jersey Indepenedent Filmmaker Chris Notarile (You might remember us mentioning Chris here at The Sexy Armpit during the 2012 Halloween countdown for his fan-film horror prequels) created a web series/fan film that pays tribute to the Escape films and Jersey at the same time. The effects and vibe of the production is top notch and if you’re a fan of Kurt Russell and dig the Escape From… films, you will enjoy this. The first part is posted above and subsequent installments can be found at at the Blinky Productions YouTube page. There’s even a great nod to Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China. Well done!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 111: Shirt Tales and Six Flags

Posted on January 29, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Pammy, Rick, and Tyg from The Shirt Tales riding the Log Flume on this Six Flags t-shirt

Remember The Shirt Tales? A lot of the ’70s and ’80s kids and nostalgia freaks out there definitely do. If you don’t remember them, they were a group of animals who were cute to an absurd degree and their thoughts would materialize in illuminated words right on their t-shirts. Although the Shirt Tales were only around for a couple of TV seasons (1982-1984), they had a slightly longer life on the front of Hallmark greeting cards and various other tie-ins, one of which we’ll look at in this post.

In their own Hanna-Barbera cartoon show, the gang fought crime and they even had their own little Batcave-type headquarters. I tried to jog my own memory by watching an episode on YouTube called The Big Foot Incident. Memories started rushing back, but I didn’t remember much about the cool set of villains who resembled bumbling versions of the Universal Monsters. The ring leader (Mesmo? Not very original) could’ve been a horror host and his lair was basically a haunted mansion that was constantly being showered with frequent lighting bolts (awesome). This all seemed very uncharacteristic for a bunch of furry and lovable little creatures who were created to sell Hallmark cards.

If you were to associate cartoon characters with Six Flags Great Adventure here in New Jersey, Looney Tunes would immediately come to mind, but there’s proof right here that there was a brief time when The Shirt Tales reigned at Six Flags! According to the Great Adventure History site, in 1984, the kiddie kingdom area was renamed Shirt Tales Land and the characters would come out and greet kids. This only last for one season until getting taken over by the Looney Tunes.

The above photo is from the exact period of time when the Shirt Tales were popular in the early ’80s. Back then, they incorporated all their locations onto one t-shirt so they didn’t have to print up separate shirts for each location, so that explains why Great Adventure is listed at the bottom. Fortunately though, it stands out the most since it’s highlighted in yellow.

This is ’80s nostalgia at its best. Why do I say that? Well, I actually scanned this photo in myself and it’s of my best friend who I’ve known since I was in pre-school. I had the photo because not too long ago, I made a slideshow for his birthday of old photos that his mom was nice enough to gather up for me. These included some real classics and I scanned them all in. I kept this one on the hard drive because I knew that somewhere down the line I would want to bring it up here at The Sexy Armpit. It was a double whammy!

In the past several years I felt that the characters that get licensed out for use in marketing and merch for Six Flags G.A should be capitalized on more. I hate seeing the DC Universe and the Looney Tunes not being exploited to their fullest, but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that the park is no longer owned and operated by Warner Brothers, which it was at one time.

I obviously have a huge affinity for Six Flags nostalgia, but it’s merely a coincidence that the last installment of T-Shirt Tuesday featured a Six Flags tee as well. Hell, I’m not opposed to doing more either, so if you know of any vintage Six Flags tees/or you have old photos of you wearing one, let me know about them!

Sick To Be Square: Reuniting with Entenmann’s Almond Squares

Posted on January 28, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Strep throat sucks. I’m not presently afflicted with it right now, but I’ll never forget the first time that I had it. I was about 12 or 13 and it felt like the absolute worst kind of sickness I ever had up to that point in my life. Mostly because for that week or so, eating became an activity that I dreaded.

A chef I am not. A food reviewer? Far from it. But, like most of you, I’m a devourer of food. I enjoy the eating experience. Some people I know like to get it over with as quickly as possible. They’d rather open a compartment in their stomach and just place the food right inside than sit for an hour laboring over a delicious home cooked meal. Not me, I think eating is one of life’s greatest pleasures. To be so familiar with that kind of indulgence and then to have it randomly ripped away from you by a stupid sore throat is not cool. Do I sound over dramatic? Well, it was a severe sore throat, OK?

This might have been the first time that I realized that I was taking food for granted. Not only was I used to savoring my mom’s home cooking on an almost nightly basis, but, after dinner I usually liked to have something sweet. I was never a huge cake person, but if there was a box of anything Entenmann’s in the house, that shit wouldn’t last more than a couple of days. The variety pack of donuts (the one they’ve been selling forever) would be dead meat if it came within a few feet of my radar. Nowadays I don’t crave sweets anywhere near as much, but back then, an Entenmann’s box knew that its days were numbered as soon as it was removed from the plastic A&P bag and set off to the side on the kitchen counter. It was saying Hail Marys and making last minute alterations to its living will. What do you pass down to your niece, the sweet cheese danish?

The “Ultimate” Almond Squares – now with a layer of Raspberry filling

So, that bout of strep throat brought my appreciation of eating to an abrupt halt. Rather than savoring the delicious dinner that my mother slaved over that evening, I was swallowing what could only be described as a meal of razorblades chased with a tall glass of Everclear. Damn strep throat. Consider yourself very lucky if you’ve never had to deal with this illness. An irritated and throbbing throat is never a welcome feeling, but strangely, it didn’t effect everything I ate.

Obviously, you don’t want to be eating hot buffalo wings with strep throat. Of course, chicken soup and tea with honey and lemon soothes your throat, but not many other meals can be considered good strep throat foods. It was that night that I inadvertently discovered that I was still able to eat and thoroughly enjoy a certain dessert.

My mom went grocery shopping earlier that day. She picked me up some throat lozenges and a few other things to make dinner. She also bought a dessert that she thought I’d like.

The classy white and blue Entenmann’s box was such a tease. The box sat on a slim stretch of counter between the stove and the wall, it couldn’t have been more than a foot wide, and the box nestled into it’s home quite perfectly. For the rest of the day, and through dinner time, my mouth watered desperately for the contents of the Entemann’s box. Why would I even bother indulging in dessert when I could barely eat or drink anything?

These Almond Squares looked so damn good that it was worth risking the most intense throat pain for them. I’m not talking about Hollywood Squares, or Quaker Oatmeal Squares, these were Entenmann’s f’n Almond Squares. Their mystique was legendary. While not as mainstream as their “Crumb Coffee Cake” or their “All Butter Loaf Cake,” I would not be denying myself these evenly cut squares of moist cake, doused in almond flavoring with powdered sugar on top, even if they were considered a mid-card offering.

I was in need of some comfort food. Besides, there was no rule in the house that said because I was sick that I couldn’t eat these. They were fair game and somehow I had it in my head that these wouldn’t annihilate my throat like the rest of the stuff I was ingesting like chicken parm. In fact, a part of me (the batshit insane part of me) thought they might actually heal my throat.

After dinner, I waited until my shows were on, and I switched the black and white TV on that we had in the kitchen, grabbed the box and plopped my sick ass down at the table. I started going to town on these delectably moist and heavenly squares of powdered perfection and all seemed right in the universe. I had almost forgotten that I was even sick. In fact, several squares into my session, I forgot I even had a sore throat!

Could it be? Could these Almond Squares have powers beyond my knowledge that weren’t listed in the ingredients? Shouldn’t Entenmann’s be required by the FDA to list that type of thing on the box? “Enjoy this delicious treat…also, our Almond Squares WILL CURE STREP THROAT.”

Several years later I recalled how much I loved these Almond Squares. It wasn’t just because I was sick and they provided me with some temporary relief. It was because they were actually awesome. I couldn’t imagine a world without them. Every single time my mom went food shopping I asked her to pick them up for me. I guess it wasn’t meant to be though, because the Squares and I never reunited. My mom broke it to me that she was never able to find them again after that.

Not too long after I got my license I was able to drive around on my own to several local grocery stores and even the Entenmanns outlet store in Edison, NJ to see if they had them. Of course, they were nowhere to be found. At that time, the Internet wasn’t even a valuable enough tool to even consider trying to get a straight answer about them, so I just called Entenmanns. The first rep told me they had no idea what I was referring to. The next rep I spoke to later put me on hold and when she returned she explained to me that they haven’t been made in nearly 4 or 5 years and there were no plans for them to return any time soon.

I never gave up my quest. Every time I passed the Entenmann’s display in the grocery store I would check for those tasty little square bastards. Never found them. Then, back in 2007, I decided to give it another shot. I called and e-mailed Entenmann’s. Again the rep told me they no longer made them, which was a piece of info which I had already known for many years. My last hope was the e-mail I sent to them. I waited several weeks, but never received a reply.

On one random day, I checked my mailbox and noticed a letter from Entenmanns. I felt like Clark Griswold in anticipation of opening up the envelope with his Christmas bonus. Would it be a certificate telling me that they were giving me a lifetime supply of Almond Squares for my undying support of their products? Was it an official Entenmann’s Almond Squares Ribbon that I could wear proudly on my jacket lapel? Was it the secret recipe from their vault so I can make them at home? WHAT WAS IT? I tore it open to find out.

What kind of witchcraft was this? A mysterious letter? I actually held it in my hands, it wasn’t an e-mail. It was made if paper and the coupons they slipped into the envelope were obviously made from pure rhodium. The coupons were worth well more than the savings it leads you to believe. Each one weighs 3 lbs.

What do we got for ’em Johnny? Parting gifts include two Rhodium encrusted limited edition Entenmann’s coupons for $0.40 cents off any of their products. Expires 6/30/08

I could’ve easily expressed my thoughts about this back in 2007, but if I felt like it would be a waste of time because there was no way anyone else would have the same passion as I did to make this into an actual thing. I’m not saying I was going to be orchestrating a campaign or picketing outside Entenmann’s Headquarters to get these squares back on store shelves, but I was absolutely making more noise about these damn Almond Squares than anyone else on the freaking planet, especially nearly 15 years since the last time I remember eating them.

Now, it’s been over 20 years, and as a goof, I figured I’d do a Google search for them. What do you know? A new “Ultimate” version of the squares are available miraculously and nobody from Entenmann’s notified me. I checked the product locator on their site and immediately drove to the nearest store they listed. I picked up 2 packs.

I’m about to eat one now.

They are little different. I can’t officially say for sure, but I don’t remember the original having a layer of raspberry filling in them, but these are now referred to as “Ultimate Almond Squares.” The word Ultimate is possibly there to indicate the inclusion of the raspberry. The almond flavor and the moist consistency is all I remember though. They are still good, but I’m thinking this raspberry filling is an added feature to appeal to the newer, edgier dessert buying crowd. I’m just thankful they’re not Red Velvet Almond Squares. That would be a major sellout.

I have to say that this is the euphoric culmination of a 20 year chase that I had hoped for. Naturally, compared to when I was 13, I’m now able to deal with getting a sore throat better than when I was a kid. I’m forever thankful to Entenmanns Almond Squares for being there by my side to make my first battle with strep throat slightly less torturous.

Check out two other Entenmann’s posts here at The Sexy Armpit:

http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/search/label/entenmanns

* Entenamnn’s has been a tradition in the Northeast since 1898 and is now owned by Bimbo Bakeries, USA, the American arm of Mexico’s Grupo Bimbo. http://www.entenmanns.com/

“I Really Gotta Take a Leak!” – Gov. Christie’s Traffic Jam

Posted on January 16, 2014 by sexyarmpit

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKHV0LLvhXM?rel=0]

The stuff Jimmy Fallon has been doing since he got his late night spot has been tremendous and I’m happy to see him become host of The Tonight Show. I’ve usually been catching Fallon’s show on Hulu, but I really missed a doozy this time. Miss Sexy Armpit alerted me to Fallon’s recent Bruce Springsteen parody of “Born to Run” where he changed the lyrics to poke fun at Governor Christie’s “bridgegate” scandal.

Fallon’s impressions are always dead on, especially when they involve him singing or playing guitar (you must see him as Jim Morrison in The Doors singing the theme song to Reading Rainbow), but his wig and ’80s Springsteen attire put it all over the top. I didn’t think it could get any better until THE BOSS himself walked up to the adjacent mic, all duked out in the same ’80s Bruce-wear that Fallon was rocking. Even if you’re not a Bruce fan, you’ve got to give it up for the fact that he was game to do a parody like this. It shows he has a sense of humor about the old days and he’s also not afraid to take a jab at the Governor, even though it’s been well documented that Chris Christie is an obsessive Bruce fan. I’m sure the Governor has caught wind of it and feels like more of an idiot now. Anyway, it’s a phenomenal parody and I want to watch it like 30 more times right now.

This video is literally all over the Internet right now, but not everyone is on point with their reporting of it. The New York Daily News website reporter Chiderah Monde clearly knows NOTHING about Bruce because this is what she included in her report of this performance:

“…By the end of their parody, Fallon and Springsteen had the audience laughing and cheering, but maybe not everybody shared the sentiment on the “Bridgegate” scandal — towards the end, it sounded like they may have garnered a few boos.”

Seriously Chiderah? They were screaming BRUUUUUUUUUCE not BOOOO! Clearly she’s never seen him perform before. Can I wager that she’s never watched the New York Giants Victor Cruz score a touchdown before either? CRUUUUUUZ sounds like BOOOO as well. C’mon, she works for a tri-state news outlet. GET WITH THE FRIGGIN’ PROGRAM!

*Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band’s new album is called High Hopes and it’s available now

Chao Down With Me at The Menlo Park Mall Food Court

Posted on January 15, 2014 by sexyarmpit

The other day as I was taking my car out for a spin (if you must know, I drive a semi-rusted neon green Chevy Corsica that has 469,000 miles on it), when my special Sexy Armpit communicator a.k.a my iPhone, began blinking bright green and making gross squishing noises. It was Sludgey Facetiming me. He said a bunch of my blogging cohorts sent me a message via our super secret pneumatic tube network (not so secret anymore, oops!). I hoped it wasn’t anything serious. “I’ll be right there Sludgey,” I said in my best Bale Batman voice.

Once home, I rushed into the apartment and grabbed the message from Sludgey’s barrel. “You are selected to win a million dollars a year, FOREVER, sincerely, Publisher’s Clearing House” clearly it was the wrong piece of paper. I shuffled through the other messages and finally found the correct one.

TO: Sexy Armpit

We are enlisting you for a mission. Review Chinese food restaurant at your local Mall food court. Go. Now.

And that was all it said. In the case that you ever receive a cryptic message like this, it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I hopped right back into the Corsica and sped off to the world renowned Menlo Park Mall. If you never get the chance to visit Epcot Center, you could do some mind altering drugs and just head to the food court at Menlo. There’s always something for everyone. All types of cuisine are offered, and most notably, Chick-Fil-A. But I couldn’t get distracted by spicy chicken sandwiches and sweet tea right now, I needed to stay focused.

The beauty part about Menlo Park being “My mall” is that I can often use one of my favorite lines from Mallrats, alter it a bit and sub out the Easter Bunny part, like so: “All I said was the Chinese food at the Menlo Park Mall was not appealing and she just threw her tray of chicken and toothpicks up in the air and knocked me down.”

Of course, I’m referring to the sample girl, standing in front of ASIAN CHAO. She was offering everyone meat, but she wasn’t at all enthusiastic about it. In fact, I don’t think this girl could’ve been angrier about the thought of brightening the day of passerby with free food samples. She reminded me of Nicole Bass. She was brutish and imposing. Her fiery visage seemed to harness the flames from that Bourbon Chicken sign behind her directly toward me. I wasn’t sure what I was in for by declining her free sample, but walking up to the counter probably gave me immunity from whatever sort of weirdly uncomfortable beat down that I would’ve received from Nicole.

At first I thought Asian Chao was a really bad ethnic sounding stereotypical name, but after some investigative bloggerism I discovered that the term Chao does indeed refer to a Chinese stir-frying technique.

As I leaned up against a pillar waiting on line to order, I momentarily zoned out. My mind took a trip back in time. Ever since Henry P. Mall (I’m sure that’s his name) came up with the idea to put a roof on the good old outdoor strip mall, malls have been these magnificent structures with endless opportunities to buy all kinds of crap, provide a place for teenagers to get each others phone numbers, or in my case lend its catacombs as a setting for a couple of films I made. I even worked at the movie theater at Menlo for about 6 years of my life. I have some great memories there, a place that feels like my backyard.

I remembered how years ago, on any given weekend, the mall food court was absolutely theeee place to be. It was usually mobbed with people. Although I’ve lived mere seconds from two of the most popular malls in New Jersey for my entire life, a mall outing used to be a pretty big deal. When I wasn’t working at the theater adjacent to the food court, I used to spend all day there sometimes with my friend Sgt. E. We’d get lunch at the food court and then some Icees. We’d pick up some comics and stop in the arcade to play a few games.

My local malls are in a sad state of affairs now. What once existed as the only logical solution to everyone’s shopping dilemma, is now more of a place people go to do something when it’s shitty weather. If you needed to buy 27 gifts during the holidays, without hesitation you’d go to the mall, whereas now you can go to Target or WalMart. The financial crunch is sucking the life out of these malls. For instance, all the fountains have been removed from Woodbridge Center, fountains that I tossed thousands of pennies and nickels into during the course of my entire life, and all the trees have been removed from the food court in Menlo Park Mall. Those damn trees provided such ambiance. Now the food court has been castrated. Maybe too many birds were making homes in them? Maybe they were real trees and their roots were about to crack the floor open and suck everyone into the abyss? It’s sad, both my malls are decomposing.

More on the “Crab Rangoon” later…and yes, I used air quotes

Oh shit. I forgot that I needed to decide what I wanted to order. Now the pressure was on. I had the ultimate booking power for this plate and if I didn’t get my shit together it seemed like the aggravated woman was just going to start tossing random food onto it for me. I wasted all that time reminiscing about mall memories and now I was being harassed by the server behind the counter about what I wanted. I was on a Chipotle-like assembly line and I needed to be part of the flow or get kicked off the line.

There’s a specific part of your id that compels you to get Chinese food. You know how it is. Sometimes you just get that craving. When it happens to me, I go to Ling’s Kitchen in Fords. It’s a legend around these parts. I’m a bit spoiled in that respect, so I have a hard time settling for any Chinese food that’s too much of a departure from how Ling’s prepares their food. When it comes to Chinese cuisine, I’m a total creature of habit. I order the same thing every time: General Tso’s Chicken with brown rice and broccoli. Sometimes places are stingy with the broccoli though.

This photo I took could be the front cover of their menu, that’s how appealing this food looks,

but looks are deceiving as we will find out…

At Asian Chao I had the option for rice and two of the main items. I went with Sesame Chicken because I felt that was a safe bet. Then I added in Chicken and Broccoli. Some of the usual offerings weren’t available, or should I say they weren’t even cooked and/or put out in the serving trays. I’m not a fan of orange chicken or sweet and sour chicken, so those were off the table. I also never order beef or pork if I’m doing Chinese, so my choices were as limited as sample girls angry facial expressions.

First, the Sesame Chicken. The sauce was pretty weak, and to me, that’s a vital component. Aside from a spicy kick, there wasn’t much flavor otherwise. Completely absent was the bold flavor that its rich appearance conned me into believing it had. The chicken itself tasted like the turkey in Christmas Vacation, overcooked, dry, and tough to chew.

Next on the plate was many peoples old standby, Chicken and Broccoli. To best describe this one, imagine a beige rubber car mat from the floor of a 1986 Buick, cut up, soaked in soy sauce, and cooked with broccoli that had been steamed in elementary school water fountain water. Not so good.

I took the liberty of adding a side dish. I’m not a big fan of egg rolls and they’re so common, so I opted for something I never ordered from a Chinese food place before: Crab Rangoon. No idea why I bothered, but I wanted to sample something sort of offbeat and I remembered that I tried this once 10 years ago with Miss Sexy Armpit, which was the first time in my life I had ever actually heard of it. Even when she mentioned it, I thought she was referring to a prequel to 1995’s Beyond Rangoon. I don’t usually eat crab either, but I figured what the hell, I was on a special mission.

If you notice the pattern here, you’ll have an idea of just how underwhelming the Crab Rangoon was. I didn’t think it was possible for this to suck so bad, but the outer shell tasted like two damp, dustless Doritos fused together and stuffed with a tiny ball of cream cheese and crab meat. For some reason, I think the two specific rangoons they served me were the same ones that the manager laid out on the ledge of an open window in his apartment when it was drizzling. Then he realized he was late for his shift and he shoved them in his pocket and brought them to the serving area once he arrived at work.

Even the rice was average at best. How do you screw up RICE?

It probably seems like I’m exaggerating for effect, or being too picky, but it was all so laughably sub-par. Actually, maybe it is on par with what mall food court Chinese food is supposed to be like? Either way, Asian Chao isn’t doing the food court in Menlo any favors. If malls want to come back in a big way, they need a damn good Chinese place that makes mouths water. Everyone has their own concept of what their Chinese food needs taste like, and mine is definitely not at Asian Chao.

I didn’t even eat the majority of the meal and wound up going home unfulfilled. All wasn’t lost though, because this experience caused my mind to replay a line from one of my major all-time crushes, Marisa Tomei.

“I bet the Chinese food here is terrible” – Mona Lisa Vito, My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Make sure you stop by all my friends sites to read their reviews of Chinese food places at their local mall food courts:

Matt at Dinosaur Dracula
Brian at Review The World
Will at Veggie Macabre
Molly at Swaggermom Tales

Mick Foley Comes to the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, NJ

Posted on January 10, 2014 by sexyarmpit

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc_f228Mr5E?rel=0]

3- Time WWE Champ, Hall of Famer, and roller coaster enthusiast Mick Foley will be appearing at New Jersey’s premiere comedy club, The Stress Factory, in New Brunswick on January 16th.

You can get more info at the Stress Factory site at this link

Late Night Love Letter to NJ

Posted on January 7, 2014 by sexyarmpit

A few weeks back my fellow NJ friend Nicole was up late at night (or very early in the morning) and felt inspired to start writing about her pride in her home state in the notes app on her iPhone. She was brave and decided to post it on Twitter for all to see. Coincidentally, the time she saved it was my birthday 3:11. It was a sure sign that I needed to immortalize this on The Sexy Armpit!

From my perspective, having other people read my writing has been something I’ve done since I was a little kid, but others aren’t as open with the things that they write. Since Nicole posted her strong feelings about Jersey on Twitter, I felt like I could share it, but with her permission of course. She was cool with it.

Everything she says pretty much sums up what many of us in the state feel. We’re not all the stereotypes, well…some of them. We’re not the Real Housewives…well I guess some of them are. It’s not L.A a place you’ll rarely ever hear people brag about how they were born and bred there, but you’ll always hear about how someone has lived their entire life in Jersey. I have no doubt that I will live in Jersey until the day I die. I can’t speak for others around the country, but do you feel the same type of bond that Nicole feels with Jersey? Do people in Florida or Idaho feel the same strong feelings for their state? I hope we’re not the only ones!

Thanks for letting us share your feelings about NJ, Nicole! You can follow her on Twitter: @villalicious

10 Treasures Found at Dollar Store on Atlantic City Boardwalk

Posted on January 3, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Mysterious isn’t the most appropriate word to describe dollar stores on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Nope. I think the word that best sums them up is “obnoxious.” But, let me take that back, we found one of them on New Years Day and it was sort of magical.

While walking the A.C boardwalk on the brisk, but sunny first day of the year with Dinosaur Dracula, we came across a 99 cent store that Matt said he’d like to stop at. I’m so jaded by these stores that my expectations of its contents were at the aboslute rock bottom. Through my black sunglasses I took one last look around the boardwalk. The sun blasted my face with fire as the blue sky soothed it. I admit, I was dazed for a second, but give me a break, there was some New Years debauchery that I needed to shake off. After a giant seagull stared down at me ominously from atop the adjacent boardwalk Psychic building, I heard him say “What are you looking at, go the frig inside already you weird bastard!”

We ventured in. We made like Miracles and shopped around.

After about 40 minutes of being in the 99 cent zone, I could hear Rod Serling in my mind introduce our own Twilight Zone episode “…To many, what they held in their hands was merely junk, but to these two young Frog Brothers wannabes, it might as well be heaven.” Maybe it was too much Twilight Zone Marathon.

After another good half hour at least, we still had yet to do a complete revolution around the store. We soldiered on and continued for another half hour at least. During a few long stops at some end caps to smell outdated WWE air fresheners, and test out gadgets that would give Randy Peltzer an uncomfortably lengthy Viagra boner, we walked further back into the seemingly never-ending abyss of aisles. At that moment, we thought, “how could there possibly be more?” Then we wound up in the housewares sections, and I use that term loosely. Then into the children’s wear section, and finally ending up in a section dedicated to mid ’80s telephone number organizers. F*ck this was such a great place.

The best way to describe it to you is this: It’s the Vendredi’s Antiques from Friday the 13th The Series, of the Atlantic City Boardwalk dollar store scene. It’s maybe too specific to have its own scene, but I don’t want to limit it to the label of “a good store,” because that would in no way be accurate.

By the way, you can never go there. Not only do I forbid you, but I warn you that it’s not your store to shop in. A mystical energy force field will repel you from it if you ever try to take one step inside of it. It’s mine, all mine dammit! It’s my treasure store, MWAHAHAHA! Well, it’s not all mine really. Dinosaur Dracula discovered it, and yes, I reaped half of the schlockiest, um…most glorious benefits.

It was as if Matt discovered gold and realized he had to split it. Because he’s such a good guy, he didn’t kill me over it in a fittingly Boardwalk Empire-like fashion, but he actually let me get a piece of some of it. Kindness must be a characteristic of the hybrid Reptile-Nosferatu, scientific name, Dinosaurus Draculus. Motherf*ckerus this is fun. I guess just add “us” at the end of the word.

I prefer to believe 99 cent EVERYTHING 99 cent has 100 million items, not 10,000 and it’s possibly the real mecca of the Atlantic City Boardwalk. Don’t get me wrong, Boardwalk Hall is an institution, and the Beatles played there, but can you buy a Skeleton Clicker Licker there? Most certainly not.

Yes, it’s full of outdated, unloved bric-a-brac, chachkies, and doohickies, and all the other more elaborate words my mom used to use when she couldn’t think of the word “junk,” but shopping here will actually save you from losing all your money in A.C. Here’s how: if you gamble the entire time you are “Doing A.C,” then you will surely lose your money, maybe even your home. But, if you opt to shop in 99 Cent Everything 99 Cent, you may only spend a measly $8.74 cents like I did, AND wind up going home with all the luxury items below.

As George Carlin once so eloquently stated, “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” Stuff is certainly what I don’t need more of. Unless it’s 1985’s “The Stuff,” that I’ll watch all the time. So, I made it a point to be more organized in 2014. I really shit the bed. Here it goes…

10. MY MR. MIDDLE FINGER

If you know me, you know that it was only a matter of time before I actually owned this beautifully sculpted statue. It’s been a fascination of mine ever since the first time I stepped foot on the boardwalk with Miss Sexy Armpit. For only a dollar, the value was tremendous considering it’s made of pure ivory. In comparison to the classics, I put “My Mr. Middle Finger” (I just named him that) on par with The Thinker or Venus DeMilo. It’s hard to put into words, but this piece of fine art perfectly epitomizes what Jersey is all about.

Next time you have your boss and his wife over for drinks, make sure you keep this displayed as prominent in your home as Darrin McGavin did with his leg lamp. Mark my words, no item you find in Homegoods will ever evoke more style, class, and refined beauty as “My Mr. Middle Finger.” TM yo.

I can’t speak for other boardwalks or shore communities, but if you visit the Atlantic City boardwalk and you feel like buying someone an authentic souvenir and you feel a little bit more generous then picking them up some salt water taffy, this might be THE perfect thing. It’s been a staple of these dollar stores for probably 15 years or more. That makes it not quite as old as the Renaissance period, but it does trace back way longer than the dumb t-shirts you see in those stores that spell out Jersey Shore like this:

JER
SEY
SHO
RE

If there’s a true generation gap, please submit that as prime anecdotal evidence.

9. DENNIS THE MENACE PINBALL GAME

Dennis the Menace. Damn him and his posssibly mid to late ’80s pinball…and his A.D.D. Fitting that he’s the spokesperson for a pinball machine that makes your head spin cause that little bastard used to make Mr. Wilson’s head spin for sure. You may have never heard about it, but the poor old man died of a massive heart attack. Autopsy report confirmed that his arteries weren’t clogged and he seemed to be in perfect health. You know what that means, right? Dennis killed Mr. Wilson. He literally annoyed the living shit out of him. I suppose that if it keeps him occupied for more than a few minutes, this cheap ass pinball game is worth it. More of a selling point for me is the packaging. If this mint-on-card pinball game ever manned up and f*cked a mid-20s Hot Topic employee, their spawn would be this exquisitely trashy and gorgeous packaging. I think Brutus Beefcake wore the same spandex pant print before he became “The Barber.”

8. BON JOVI CASSETTE SINGLE

I couldn’t walk the boardwalk and not pick up something for Miss Sexy Armpit. In fact, you get an exclusive, she doesn’t even know about this yet. Since she loves Bon Jovi, I picked her up a cassette single from Bon Jovi. “This Ain’t a Love Song” is a song about his love affair with himself from the discarded album titled “Portrait of a Megalomaniac.” I know, real scathing. Do you really care though? Didn’t think so. I know you want to hear about the Blood Ball key chain. Patience young Padawan!

This cassette single was originally on the shelves of The Wiz – an electronic store which was big in the NJ/NY area. Word at the time was that Nobody could actually beat The Wiz, but they eventually gave up and filed for bankruptcy in 1998. *PC Richards runs a sub-site using The Wiz’ name and logo.

7. TOTALLY ADORABLE DINOSAUR TATTOOS

MORE TATTOOS! Possibly the most adorable dinos I’ve ever seen. It includes the cutest, most ass backwards Stegosaurus ever and the little scamp at the bottom right. Matt tells me his name might be the good old galactic squidhead “Tailosaurus,” but that really hasn’t been scientifically proven. Either way, I’m through gushing.

6. WOW, ATLANTIC CITY POSTCARD

This poor guy.

Who really needs the whole “DO AC” campaign when there’s an entire branding bonanza on the front of this WOW! ATLANTIC CITY postcard? In all the years I spent roaming around the boardwalk in A.C, this is one that passed me right by. I guess I was never an avid “rotating postcard display rotater.” When I saw this one, confusion hit me instantly. Was this a modern post card meant to be ironic? Or was this just a really weird and f*cked up serious post card from an era when every damn thing in the world had its own postcard? When the process of buying and sending a postcard was still an activity people actually involved themselves in. More importantly WHO IS THIS GUY? AND WHY WOW? Even though I missed out on this joke when it first started popping up in stores along the boardwalk, I can still appreciate it. Wow.

5. CLICKER STICKER HALLOWEEN CANDY AND WHISTLE

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMCl73nh1-4?rel=0]

Super awesome looking skeleton bashing himself in his skull incessantly AND it’s joyously annoying as hell! At one time in the distant past, this was a blue raspberry candy, now it is completely green and really disgusting looking. How the hell do they actually get away with selling this stuff? The whistle doesn’t work. Oh no, wait, that’s not it. I don’t want to put my mouth on this thing that’s been sitting in a dollar store for 12 years.

4. SHITTY ASS DVDS

Moon Stalker and Time Chasers DVDs. Low budget late 90s horror and sci-fi. Avid dollar store goers might already know these films, but they are completely new to me. I am familiar with the sub-par DVDs sold cheaply without a plastic snap case, but I’m not familiar with these two who were so sub par that they were produced somewhere deep within the mantle of the earth and outfitted with fancy cardboard sleeves. I can foresee this getting a special enhanced Blu-Ray edition within the next 6-8 months. Who’s bringing the multi-colored popcorn? Even though both of these are most likely to blow chunks, Moon Stalker looks more appealing to me, mainly because of the subtle power of the movie’s log line, “Campfire Stories can be Deadly.” F*CK YEAH THEY CAN!

As I’ve made clear in this post, I often like to come home with, fine, museum quality pieces at bargain basement prices…

3. NUDE FEMALE TORSO SHAKER

The beauty of this nude female porcelain torso isn’t the virtuoso sculptor behind this piece, it’s the versatility. You can shake salt OR pepper out of it, or why not combine both into one to save time and cop a feel AT THE SAME TIME! I’m thinking about buying some Red Robin seasoning to fill it up with, then I can instruct house guests to shake my boobs onto their burger if they want. Ah hell, who am I kidding? It would only be a bun.

What’s not really sinking into my mind is the fact that I actually bought this. When I first saw it out of the corner of my eye, I literally thought to myself “WHO THE F*CK WOULD BUY THIS?” Then, of course, I buy the damn thing. But, that’s not even the worst part. People MUST buy this. A lot of people MUST buy this fairly frequently. You can’t buy a nude female torso salt and pepper shaker made of high quality porcelain WITH a bonus stamp indicating that this is authentic from ATLANTIC CITY at just any local store.

Do YOU own one of these? I can’t wrap my head around it. If you are one of “these” people, I need to know who you are. I need to talk to you. Seriously. We need to converse, possibly discussing what size baseball bat you were hit in the head with when you were a kid and you need to give me a very detailed verbal tour of your home.

2. McDONALD’S ERASABLE WHITE BOARD (for the anal retentive Happy Meal kid)

Getting organized is high on my list of new years resolutions. In fact, it’s on there every year and I never seem to fully succeed at it. I really need to stop buying more stuff, but there is hope. Without a doubt, this McDonald’s dry-erase To-Do list is my only hope. I’m looking for it to be the spiritual shove in the right direction, that performance enhancing drug, that surge of adrenaline that’s gonna catapult my organizational dreams. It even has a spot for a check mark for each day of the week. I don’t really understand how to use this, but I feel it’s an efficiency booster nonetheless.

The fact that the week starts on Sunday makes me want to tear my eyelids off and stomp them. I know technically Sunday is the first day of the week, but Monday is the start of the work week, and this calendar is made to look like the weekend is only one day. Screw that. And screw McDonalds.

1. BLOOD BALL KEYCHAIN

Ohh yes. I say that in the closest I can sound like Paul Bearer as possible. The blood ball is a severed fingertip inside a ball of goo. On a key chain. That is all.

Now be sure to read about the amazing crap that Dinosaur Dracula put in his treasure basket! From Garfield to Ghostbusters 2, he ran into some serious finds!

Thank you for reading, the soundtrack to this post has been:
“Ooh Heaven is a Place on Earth” by Belinda Carlisle