The Rahway Redemption #1: Arrested Development

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Welcome to a new recurring column here at The Sexy Armpit called The Rahway Redemption. The legendary Rahway Prison, a.k.a East Jersey State Prison has quite a menacing look about it. Whenever I drive by the monstrous institution, I definitely get a little creeped out. Thanks in part to it’s unsympathetic and raw reputation, this slammer is a star in it’s own right. Well, at least a star enough to get a column dedicated to it here at The Armpit! I’m attempting to break out of the prison but I need your help! In this column I need you to read on as I present Rahway Prison’s most notable appearances in pop culture. 

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In Season One, Episode 6 (12/7/03) of one of the funniest TV shows of all time, Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) attempts to get his father George Senior (Jeff Tambor) out of prison. First, Michael tried to get to the bottom of some of his father’s shady transactions. Michael decided to get some answers while visiting him at Orange County Prison. George Sr. was too busy to talk about anything important since he was practicing softball with other inmates.

Michael: 
I hate to be buzzkill, but I’m trying to get you out of here.

George Sr.: 
Yeah well, I’m trying to get us out of last place Michael! 
We’re playing Rahway next week…word has it that they’re getting Jose Canseco!

Michael: 
I’m starting to wonder why I even bother coming.

<inmate softball player>
BLUTH…RIGHT FIELD!

George Sr.
That is ridiculous!

Michael:
You won’t even talk to me?!?!

George Sr.
I’M CATCHER OR I’M NOTHING!

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Why You Need Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno on DVD & Blu-ray

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Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno is available today on DVD and Blu-Ray. I fought the treacherously slippery roads and 3-4 inches of snow and headed to Best Buy to pick up my copy. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard about this film, if you read The Sexy Armpit, and even somewhat enjoy it, then I’m positive you’ll like this film. If for some insane reason you haven’t seen it and still need to be convinced, see it for these reasons:
5) Katie Morgan is nude. Very nude. Oh and Traci Lords is C3PO! (see above)
4) Craig Robinson is hysterical. “Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!”
3) Elizabeth Banks is hot. If you don’t believe me…watch Wet Hot American Summer.
2) See what happens when Brandon Routh (Superman) and Justin Long drink one too many cosmos. Together they provide one of the most classic pieces of banter out of all of Kevin Smith’s films. That’s quite a remark considering such classic quotable competition from the likes of Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy.
1) The moment depicted in the screen shot above. They plan on making a Star Wars PORN! If you’re sick and tired of the ridiculously delayed homage to Star Wars, Fanboys, then these Star Wars porn scenes will more than tide you over.
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Oprah Slips Newark, NJ Some Serious Cash

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Oprah Winfrey, book club guru and female empowerment icon…oh yeah…and talk show host, has donated over $1.5 million bucks to non-profit schools and organizations in Newark, NJ. Thanks Oprah, I guess. I remember my lower middle class high school was built in the ’50s; it was and still is decrepit, falling apart, and has major ventilation issues. The heat would blast when it was 90 degrees out and the air conditioning would be pumping when it was 15 degrees out. When I was a student there the track was made of blacktop which was cracked in several places and no track and field teams in the region would compete at our school. Oh…and one more thing, our junior prom was held in our gym with student made decorations. I wasn’t asking for it to be on a cruise ship or anything, but talk about cutting corners! Oprah couldn’t you have spread the wealth around the state more evenly? I understand the non-profits need help, but the public schools in this state may be in worse shape. 

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The Sopranos Slot Machines!

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One would think that The Sopranos slot machines would be a mandatory fixture at ALL of the Atlantic City casinos, right? Actually we’ve got everything from Star Wars and Elvis to Deal or No Deal and Playboy in A.C, but finding a Sopranos slot machine is about as likely as finding Paulie and Christopher when they were lost in the Pine Barrens. It was exciting to finally see these elusive slot machines over 2,000 miles away from Atlantic City…in Las Vegas! Doesn’t make much sense does it? I thought The Sopranos had a fierce sense of loyalty? I hope the Sopranos slots become more prevalent in Jersey. But if the cliche is true, then they’ll probably “stay in Vegas.” Check out some footage I shot of The Sopranos Slot Machines:

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