Trick or Treating with Mr. Mom

The other blogs that have featured Halloween “blogathons” don’t seem to be letting up steam. While they’re continuing to annihilate us with great posts, I’ll feature some mediocre posts for the days leading up to Halloween. I plan on featuring more random Halloween related stuff but I’ve pretty much blown all my good material already. Some of the topics I was geared up to write about have already been beaten to death or I realized it wasn’t that interesting in the first place.

I don’t know about you, but I desperately want to be way more into the Halloween mood but it’s not working! Working for a living really puts a damper on being a kid again. Hopefully this weekend I’ll be able to watch a bunch of horror movies and get into the spirit.

Above, I posted a moment from one of my favorite movies of all time, Mr. Mom (1983). In this scene, Jack (Michael Keaton) takes his kids out to trick or treat while his wife goes away on business. Jack’s son Alex (Chip on Kate & Allie) is dressed as a cowboy and his brother Kenny looks like a medieval knight. Jack’s wife’s friend Joan (Ann Jillian) is looking foxy as hell and Annette (Miriam Flynn) has a kickass vintage E.T mask on. Even though Mr. Mom isn’t a Halloween movie, I always associated this scene with the holiday because it reminded me of how awesome Halloween was when I was a kid.

CW’s Reaper lifts our mascot for “What About Blob” episode

I’ve been enjoying Reaper on the CW network. It’s refreshing to watch a new show that’s actually good and doesn’t look like it’s going to be cancelled right away. The show isn’t scary per se but it has some decent FX and it occasionally a Ghostbusters vibe to it. Although I was surprised when I saw this week’s “villian” will be a slime monster. Check out a preview of “What About Blob” here. Of course they didn’t really steal this character from us, but I couldn’t help but notice the similarity. Back in ’05, I had my friend Steve draw a logo for the site and explained to him that I wanted a “sludge monster.” We naturally named him Sludgie, and sold his likeness and our souls to the Carvel Ice Cream chain. They are now producing chocolate chip mint ice cream cakes based on him. Yeah right, how awesome would that be? Reaper is definitely a funny show and they credit Kevin Smith as a “consultant.” He directed the first episode but now it’s the CW’s feeble attempt to make people think he’s still invovled in the show and he’ll probably get some kickbacks. Watch the show while it’s still around since I’m going to sue their ass off 🙂

What Scares You?

This is an oldie, well…it’s an oldie where I come from. No, seriously this is an old article I wrote from way back in October of ’04 that was never posted on my blogger site until NOW! It never really got much exposure so I bet you’re excited! I know it’ll be hard to keep from getting scared, but try to keep your composure while you read this entry! I’d love to hear about what scared you as a kid. Many of the bold words are linked, some are not.

Haunted Hayride of Terror

With Halloween approaching I realized that I’ve never been on a haunted hayride before and that needed to change. On Friday night we headed down to Marlboro N.J to check out the “Haunted Hayride of Terror” and the Haunted barn. It was a cool autumn night and there were a lot of people showing up to get scared which reminded me of how Halloween should be!

If you think to yourself “How is a barn going to be scary?” There were no slaughtered hens or pigs scattered all over the place, but they did the place up nice. It was no Castle Dracula or the Haunted Houses you remember from your youth, but it had a spooky atmosphere. We wandered through the dark “barn” and finally came to a spinning tunnel through which we walked across a swaying catwalk. The spinning tunnel was a great effect and I enjoyed the feeling although if I stayed in there I felt the small glass of Jim Beam I had earlier in the night might’ve came up. We saw the usual setups, like the exorcist, and the crypt keeper. We also passed by skeleton pirates and at the end there was a real masked midget that jumped out at us who was doing a grand job of keeping still so we didn’t know he was real. There was no feeling of impending danger but the different animatronic setups were a throwback. It’s a little much when your walking through a local haunted attraction and all you encounter around corners are teenage kids donning various horror movie masks. To me that’s never scary. We did witness those exact kids when we went on the hayride.

After the barn a mess of people hopped on a big tractor that sat everyone on bails of hay which were actually comfortable. There were torches to light the way of the tractor driver as he slowly drove us through the woods. Scattered about the woods were various scary setups, some with live actors and some with fake bodies or skeletons. The live costumed actors would actually jump up onto the tractor and come try and scare each of us. One of the guys had a chainsaw, while another dressed like Michael Myers. At the end of the ride we stopped to take some “wacky” pictures of ourselves in the cardboard stand ups of Frankenstein and the Phantom of the Opera etc.

Halloween 1981

Last weekend I was looking through a box of old photos from Halloween’s past. These pictures become time machines for me. I came across quite a few that were taken at school during Halloween parades or just in the classroom. The one I’m posting today actually has nothing to do with me at all. This is Halloween 1981 and my sister dressed up as one of her favorite characters Holly Hobbie. The Wikipedia entry mentions that Hobbie was popular throughout the ‘70s, although I know for a fact she still held her own through the early ‘80s as well. Even though I was a little kid during that time I remember my sis loving Holly Hobbie.

In this photo my sister was one of the Holly Hobbies way in the back row. The Holly Hobbie closer to the front was actually “Evil Holly Hobby.” You can tell because she’s the one looking pissed off with her arms folded grumbling some crap about another girl dressing up as the same character. With more scrutiny we can see a lot of superhero representation here. There’s a possible Wonder Woman to the right of my sister in the back whose head is behind the kid with the red cloak. There’s a roaring Incredible Hulk in the front and then another poor Hulk stuck in the back biting his nails. He seems worried that he’s not as good as the proud ferocious Hulk who demands the spotlight. We can also pick out a few Spider Man costumes, a Superman, a kickass vintage Yoda costume, and finally an awesome Darth Vader with his mask up…dammit!
Leaving out the kids that make me giggle would be a crime. How about the little Asian boy with a cowboy hat on? (WWE fans: Is that Jimmy Wang Yang? was he foreseeing the future?) Is it even a cowboy hat? I totally don’t want to sound wrong but who are the kids in the front with the sheet over their head with their hats on supposed to be? The one in the front row’s face is being obstructed by the Incredible Ham Hulk who is raping the camera. You also can’t miss the innocent, friendly looking Snoopy. He doesn’t seem like that sarcastic, mischievous Snoopy we know from the cartoon. The ever-living Strawberry Shortcake makes an appearance as well as a nurse (yay).

Perhaps the winner for most enigmatic costume is the young New York Giant on the bottom left who is donning a #33. I have no idea who #33 was on the Giants back in the late ‘70s or early ‘80s. I’m going to assume that it was a generic N.Y Giants children’s costume with a random number on it unless one of the awesome Sexy Armpit readers can provide me with some answers! Lol. Oh, I saved the very best for last. On the right side, attached to the railing… is that a clown with an enormous fro, or is this supposed to be a character of some type?
I hope you enjoyed looking at some of these old-school costumes. Do you have any memories of these? If so, drop a comment! Especially if you know who the blonde guy is with the stars on his shirt. Evil Knievel? One of the Duke boys? I have a lot more Halloween related material coming your way here at TheSexyArmpit.com so stay tuned and as always, I appreciate you stopping by!

Skull Shot Glasses

I haven’t bought many Halloween decorations or knickknacks for my place but I couldn’t pass up these Skull Shot glasses. I can’t truly call them glasses because they’re made of plastic but they’re damn cool. When I finally moved out and bought my own place, the first thing I bought was a bar. I’m not even a big drinker but I love the whole aspect of it. Surprisingly, I have all the accessories but I never picked up shot glasses because I figured someone would’ve bought me wacky Batman or Pac-Man shot glasses. I never wound up getting any, but to be honest…how many shots am I going to be taking? Living on my own I don’t do much hardcore drinking, but shot glasses are a necessary item to have for a bar. It’s been a long time since I moved in and I figured it’s about time to finally get myself a set. In a total act of fate, I was walking around the local grocery store’s Halloween aisle and found these awesome Skull Shot glasses. I saw the typical pumpkin paper plates, fake spiders, and then some cool skull goblets. The goblets were cool but they were just larger versions of these shot glasses. Regardless, who would want a goblet made of plastic? If I’m going to get a goblet it better be borrowed from Lil’ John or from The Noble Collection or something. So, I opted for these fantastic $1.99 set of shot glasses.

Bet your ass these sexy additions to my bar will be used all year ‘round. Friends will start to come over just because they heard that I had Skull Shot glasses.

JAY: “Would you ladies like a drink?”
GUESTS: “F-yeah! We’ll take 2 shots of Tequila…but only if it’s out of your $1.99 set of skull shot glasses!”

To fill up my empty set of shot glasses, keeping with the orange theme, I picked up Saranac’s Orange Cream Soda. This version of Orange Cream soda was a let down. It’s orange flavor is so overpowering it might as well be an Orange Crush. They really skimped on the cream flavor and there’s a bit of rusty water type aftertaste to it. Sad to say, even the skull shot glass didn’t improve this overly sweet soda.

Movie Review: Don’t Go To Sleep

“Don’t Go To Sleep” (1982) is a pretty cheesy made for TV thriller that conjures up all kinds of great memories for me. When I was a kid I would watch ANYTHING that was promoted as remotely frightening. As a kid from suburbia there wasn’t much excitement going on so basing my entire night around a movie that was showing on TV wasn’t unheard of. Luckily my big sis was usually as motivated as I was to watch something scary so it made it more fun. Don’t get me wrong I was completely obsessed with horror icons from Frankenstein to Freddy, but I took what I could get if my mother hadn’t taken me to the video store to rent a tape that weekend. Local stations like WPIX 11 and others would show horror movies all throughout October. (See Matt at X-E for a great article on this) Other times even when it wasn’t “Shocktober” they would have Saturday Night Cinema or something to that effect. As a kid television played a much bigger role for me as “must see TV” than it did at any other point in my life. Damn, my whole family gathered for shows and movies and even Married With Children!

It was time for my sister and I to check out this thriller they were promoting for a week. Don’t Go To Sleep starred Valerie Harper who many know from Rhoda and Valerie’s Family and Ruth Gordon from Rosemary’s Baby. The synopsis goes like this: After the death of one of their daughters, Jennifer, a family moves into a new home (what was the house #? = 13666, I swear!) now joined by Valerie’s cranky mother. We’re not seeing gory blood and guts or SFX monsters here, this one’s all psychological. It’s cliche’s galore including bad dreams, shadows, moving dolls, and sinister voices. In her dreams, Valerie’s (I’ll call her Valerie from now on) daughter Mary is haunted by her sister that was killed in a car accident. Her dreams continue and she’s even caught talking out loud to her. Mary’s parents send her to a psychiatrist to see if they could stop these dreams. The shrink doesn’t do much good because Mary’s certified nutso and her dead sister Jennifer is basically telling her to eradicate the entire family.

To get revenge on her grandmother for loving Jennifer more than her, Mary steals her brother Kevin’s iguana Ed. We then see the the camera follow Ed and it looks as if it’s floating, but we know it’s being carried by Mary. She then puts Ed under grandmother’s sheets as she’s sleeping. As she wakes up, poor Ruth Gordon was literally scared to DEATH! It was now time to get rid of that imp Kevin. While playing a fun, non-threatening, opposite of murdering someone game of Frisbee, Mary “accidentally” threw the Frisbee with so much force that it landed on top of the roof near Mary’s window. Oops! Kevin, trying to be the macho, zabkaesque hot-shot of the family didn’t want to wait for dad to get home to get it so he climbs up on the roof himself. Next thing you know the windows mysteriously open up while Kevin’s standing up there and he loses his balance causing him to plummet to his death. Now, Jennifer, the grandmother, and Kevin are all dead. Then, in possibly the creepiest scene in the film that has nothing to do with horror, Mary is in the bathroom while her father is drinking martinis in the bathtub! Yes, you read that correctly. The father (Dennis Weaver) couldn’t hear the ballgame over Mary’s blow dryer so she moves it closer to the tub filled with water. Who can guess what happens next? Mary pushes the radio into the bathtub and electrocutes poor ol‘ Dad who works hard so they can live in a nice huuuge house and have nice things. That ungrateful little bitch! At the very least she could’ve let the man hear the end of his ballgame!

What this movie is really known for is Mary’s attempt on her mother Valerie’s life. It is by no means an average attempt at murder. Mary wigs out and ravages the pizza that was ordered with a pizza cutter. Did Mary get a chance to have a slice or did she just leave it to get cold? Obviously the director didn’t think that was important because the camera then follows the pizza cutter as if the utensil was floating up the stairs and rolling it’s blade on the railing. Clearly the pizza cutter had a mind of it’s own. They loved that shot! What do you expect from a movie co-produced by Aaron Spelling? Back to the pulse pounding conclusion: Trying to call 911, Valerie was mortified to find her daughter holding…A PIZZA CUTTER. The line was disconnected because Mary cut the phone line! The havoc this Mary has wreaked merely with a pizza cutter! Can we send her over to the middle east with that pizza cutter? No one would even try fucking with her!

I’ll leave the rest to you since I know I’ve scared you out of your gourds already. That’s enough scary for one night. I don’t want to send you into cardiac arrest. If this masterpiece doesn’t make it’s way to your must see list I don’t know what will! haha. I must say that there are some decently frightening scenes but you won’t be disappointed in the eerie final scene. Check it out and you’ll see why Valerie shrieks and possibly soils the bed.

Elvis Reese’s and Jeff’s Orange Dream Soda

During this spooky time of year I feel right at home having a blog. When I check out all of my favorite blogs and websites many of them such as X-Entertainment and Brandedinthe80s.com feature countdowns where most of the posts throughout the month of October are Halloween related. This kicks alot of ass if you’re a fan of the holiday which I most definitely am. I’ve always been a huge fan of horror movies and thrillers and I’ve already started playing the Halloween playlist on my iPod which I spend all year tweaking because I’m a super geek. Unfortunately I’m not writing this to inform you that I’ll have a Halloween related post every day this month, but I’ll do my best. First you’ll notice that I’ve changed the header on the site. This is a classic scene from one of my favorite movies of all time, Ghostbusters. I don’t consider it a “Halloween” movie but Slimer and The Sexy Armpit are “perfect together.”

I usually associate the color orange with Halloween, most likely because of Pumpkins. So here we’ll take a look at 2 products that I’ve had within the last week or so that had orange packaging. I don’t care that they have nothing to do with Halloween, just go with it ok?

First we’ll take a look at the candy category with the limited edition Elvis Reese’s Peanut Butter and Banana Cups. A few months back I was really excited to hear that these were coming out. When my girl finally found them by chance at the local Wal-Mart I immediately tore into them. The miniature size had an effect on the taste because the difference in taste is obvious when you bight into a regular size peanut butter cup from a 2-pack. I think the peanut butter’s flavor and consistency tastes completley different than the miniature versions. Only the bottom of the cups have a banana flavor which wasn’t anything to write home about. It would’ve been better if they eliminated the chocolate altogether from these limited editions. Reese’s PB covered in all banana would’ve been a winner since it’s a more definitive flavor. Elvis didn’t have chocolate on his Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches so why’d they mess with a good thing?

The second product we’ll take a look at is Jeff’s New York Egg Cream in it’s special Orange Dream flavor. This is a creamy style soda that tastes like a Creamsicle. If you’ve never tasted an Egg Cream you’re really missing out. If you’re lactose intolerant then I feel sorry for you because these sodas are so unbelievably delicious. Jeff’s egg creams precisely replicates these old school sodas. If an “Egg Cream” sounds disgusting, it really isn’t since according to Wikipedia, they don’t contain egg or cream and they were basically described as a “poor man’s ice cream soda.Think Seltzer mixed with orange and vanilla cream and you have Jeff’s Orange Dream. I’ve also been a big fan of their plain vanilla flavor as well.

Fruit Snacks Freakout: Shark Bites!

Until recently it never occurred to me just how huge of a hit fruit snacks became when I was a kid. There are more varieties and movie tie-ins than ever before but the fruit snack boom seemed to have happened in the ‘80s. There were a few types of fruit snacks that I still yearn for today.

Today the chewy, gummy bear-type fruit snack has flooded the marketplace. It’s rare to find my all time favorite fruit snack that wasn’t gummyish at all. It was the type that you would smoosh down onto the tip of your finger to make it look like you had long nails (don’t ask). They were in the shape of a half circle and I’m pretty sure they were made by Sunkist (Fruit Wrinkles I believe?). Cherry and Grape were the best since they actually tasted like their fruit counterparts. I haven’t found them in stores unless I‘m not looking hard enough.

Following a close second would be the formidable Shark Bites Fruit Snacks. They were in the shape of various sharks. Just a few months ago I performed many strategic Google searches to find as much information as I possibly can about these luscious streamlined snacks. With all the nostalgia sites available to scour, I still had a hard time finding anything on Shark Bites. Surprisingly there wasn’t too much out there but I did find a few blog comments, including one of mine here. It seemed that Shark Bites were discontinued and I didn’t see them making a comeback, especially since there was no petition page in the Google search that said “Bring Shark Bites Back!”

All it took was going to several different stores and I wound up doing the berzerker attack in the aisles of Shop-Rite when I saw them staring at me from the very bottom shelf where all bastard fruit snacks go when they are too badass and anti-social to be with the rest of the faggety fruit snacks. They still exist! I bought 2 boxes, not one. You never know when the government might deem Sharks too scary for kids and too fierce to be a frickin’ fruit snack. I’m serious! You never know when they’ll pull some dumb shit like that. I rationalize having shark bites as getting back at these creatures for all the years of attacks and scaring the crap out of us after Jaws. None of us could go in our own pools! Damn you Great White! Ahh yes, the Great White is in the pouch…in all of his non-artificially colored glory. Just for that it was well worth the hunt. The commercials would make it seem like it was a rare event when you got the Great White. When I ripped into my first bag I was immediately catapulted back to when I was a kid during lunch time.

Finally, the one fruit snack I can’t dig up much of anything on are the ones that were shaped like fighter planes. If you were lucky, instead of getting the Great White Shark, you got the sleek, black Stealth Fighter in the pouch. I can’t remember the name of these, but they kicked a lot of ass too.

*Update – the fighter plane version was called THUNDER JETS FRUIT SNACKS! Hooray!