10 Things I Love About Rob Zombie’s Halloween

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I’m shocked that Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 didn’t fare too well at the box office this past weekend. Are people still skeptical about this beloved horror franchise being in Zombie’s demonic hands? I figured they would’ve gotten over that by now. Or is it just that moviegoers would rather watch crappy, uninspired retreads? If you saw Halloween 2 this weekend here’s my question to you: Would you have been more satisfied by a run of the mill Halloween film on par with every installment released from ’88 – ’02?

Zombie’s Halloween 2 didn’t live up to my expectations as a Halloween film nor as a Rob Zombie film. The film was well made, but the atmospheric tension and creepiness that the 1978 original had in abundance seemed to be tossed aside. Even Zombie’s first Halloween outing retained some of that mood. Halloween 2 didn’t even feature John Carpenter’s Halloween theme music until the end. This sequel served as an excellent follow up to Zombie’s Halloween reimagining, but not for the franchise as a whole.

In contrast to 2009’s Friday the 13th reboot, Zombie’s Halloween 2 seems to grant Michael Myers freedom to grow, whereas Jason Voorhees remains basically the same. Is that what we want? One dimensional horror icons? We want them to be what we expect them to be, nothing more, nothing less. They should kill, they should be scary, and they need to maintain a consistent look. In Halloween 2, that Shatner mask started to look like someone actually SHAT on it. Like in Nolan’s Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, every facet of the film is based in reality to help refresh Batman’s story and supply the franchise with endurance to last far into the future. Clearly, Michael Myer’s mask wouldn’t have stayed pearly white with all the schmutz he gets all over it. Zombie gave it a valiant effort, and no matter how derided, his vision for the Halloween films served to inject new life into the franchise.

To bring the greatness of Zombie’s first Halloween into focus, here’s a list of what made it so frigging cool.

10. Sherri Moon is ridiculously hot.

9. The opening scene blasts KISS’ “God of Thunder,” aside from the usual KISS songs, this underrated track hasn’t appeared in many films at all. Zombie deserves credit for having the balls to showcase it in his movie, which means he’s not embarrassed about being a KISS fan. White Zombie covered the song for an EP and on the VH1 Rock Honors Rob Zombie sang lead vocals on the track while joined by a supergroup including Ace Frehley, Slash, Tommy Lee, Scott Iian, and Gilby Clarke. Even young Michael Myers is wearing a KISS Destroyer t-shirt.

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The KISS t-shirt is a sign of the times and it adds to the macabre tone. One of the underlying themes of the film involves Michael Myers’ reliance on masks to cover up his tortured soul, so it’s appropriate to make reference to KISS’ ghastly faces.

8. It’s clear that Malcolm McDowell was a fine choice for Loomis. McDowell puts a very different and interesting spin on the character. F-cking Shirtuckers!

7. Not taking anything away from the 1978 original since it’s the best film of it’s kind, but there’s more layers to this films story. We discover that Michael Myers has an Oedipus Complex which is ripe for dissection in film class.

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6. Shit, I would have an Oedipus Complex too. Look. OMG. OMG.

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5. In this film we come to realize that Michael Myers is quite a ladies man! Look how he fondles sister’s leg:

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4. Ben Tramer = the male horror movie version of Gwendolyn Pierce. Ben Tramer must’ve been one dreamy heartthrob.

3. Annie Brackett (Danielle Harris) delivers the sluttiest line of the movie: “Do you want to f-ck me? Let me hear you say it.”

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2. The doucher Paul (Max Van Ville) who Annie’s making out with follows that line up with “It’s so fucking warm” WTF??? Before that Annie scolded him for almost ruining her expensive sweater, “…hey, don’t pull it like that, you’re gonna stretch it all out! Stop it…this is expensive idiot!”

1. The who’s who list of cameos include Clint Howard, Sid Haig, Mickey Dolenz, Sybil Danning, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Bill Mosely, Leslie Easterbrook, Danny Trejo, Courtney Gains, and Adrienne Barbeau. That about covers every guest at your next horror convention.

If Dimension films wants to continue the exploits of Michael Myers at this point, they sure as hell can. Michael Myers always comes back, and at this point perhaps the fans would enjoy a more traditional take on the character. But after we’ve seen Zombie’s tragic and psychotic look behind Myers’ mask, would an archetypical Halloween film really impress us?

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 21: Jason Takes New Jersey!

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Nothing would have broken my listlessness upon hearing the news that one of my favorite horror franchises would be getting the goldigging Hollywood reboot. At that point, not even Jason Voorhees stabbing me through my brain couldn’t have elicited a response from me. In fact, Jason himself could’ve launched himself out of Crystal Lake, jogged to my condo, crashed through my window, and took off his hockey mask and told me personally that Michael Bay would be bringing him to life once again and I would’ve shook my head somberly with a question mark floating over my head. I have to accept that remakes are and always will be a fact of life, and I have to take the good and take the bad like Tootie did.
That’s right folks, we must gauge the threat level of all these ridiculous remakes, prequels, and reboots. My lack of enthusiasm level was at SEVERE when I first heard the news of the Friday the 13th reboot, but after seeing the film, the level dropped to a breezy blue which is merely referred to as GUARDED. What was one of the reasons for the decrease? Why of course it was the fact that the filmmakers didn’t ignore the original film’s New Jersey roots!
Originally, I read on several websites that the new F13 would not be filmed in New Jersey, but in Texas. My mind conjured up the idea that this new version would reference Texas as the new home of Camp Crystal Lake, which worried me to the point where I didn’t even want to see the film. It wasn’t much of a stretch since the filmmakers may have wanted to pay tribute to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was appreciative when I saw the scene where the gang drives to a convenience store for some gas and munchies. Their black Escalade was all duked out in a couple of New Jersey license plates! I felt like 3PO after an oil bath.

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I can’t speak for the legions of fans of Freddy and Jason, but personally I cringe at the fact that movies from my youth have been primped and given cute little bows like when the Cowardly Lion was turned into a sweet little girl after a makeover in the Wizard of Oz. What little bit of ferocity he exuded was depleted right at that moment. At one time, ’80s horror franchises had more in common with the Scarecrow. After a while he kept losing his hay and stuffing, and if he didn’t get re-stuffed he wouldn’t survive. I suppose if Freddy didn’t start wearing cool sunglasses on the beach, playing video games, and uttering cringeworthy puns that made Robin the Boy Wonder seem like he was doing amateur night at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, NJ, then maybe the Nightmare on Elm Street series would’ve died after Dream Warriors. Jason Voorhees was the wiser of the two since he packed up his shit and went into space! He knew that only something that outlandish would spell certain doom for his series. While not completely horrible, 2009’s Friday the 13th could have been more memorable, but it was a satisfying film, and it gave NJ the props it deserved.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 7: Artist Tom Krohne

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I’ve been going on the internet for over 15 years and I’m still totally amazed at the stuff I come across. You never know what kind of results a Google search will deliver to you, but if you use the right terms you’ll surely find stuff you didn’t even know you were looking for. A prime example is how I found Tom Krohne, a freelance illustrator who’s got a boner for horror movies and monsters of pop culture!

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Krohne’s T-shirts: Jersey Devil X-ing and The Jersey Devil: Terrorizing NJ since 1735
While doing routine research for my weekly T-Shirt column, I found that Cafe Press appeared in many results for New Jersey related T-Shirts. I must admit that, in a way, I was sort of disappointed. I’m always hoping to find some mind blowing piece of news like Perez Hilton wiped his bloody face with a New Jersey T-Shirt right after he experienced will.i.am’s right hook. I’d consider that to be quite a showing for NJ T-Shirt Tuesday. But sometimes I can settle for more subtle triumphs, like finding a superior artist such as Tom Krohne. His Cafe Press store not only features Jersey Devil T-Shirts, hats, and hoodies, but also breakfast cereal monsters and other oddities that are worth checking out.

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Jersey Devil with State Backdrop and the metalicious “1909 Outta The Pines Tour”
Usually it’s a crap shoot with Cafe Press. Finding a storefront that features a slew of imaginative and cool looking designs is a rarity. Too many of the stores feature products with one boring logo. I’m not out to disrespect any of the hard work that goes into the various Cafe Press stores, but I will say that when you come across a store like Tom Krohne’s, it makes the others pale in comparison.

Jay and Silent Bob in Scream 3

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Movie sequels arouse heated debates, especially when their reason for existing is questionable. Back in ’96, Scream took horror to another level, but its two sequels brought it right back down to its previous depths. I wanted desperately to LOVE Scream’s sequels but they were uninteresting and quite frankly, Neve Campbell’s character, Sidney Prescott, bored the shit out of me. The genius behind the original film was the innovative characterization and chemistry between Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard.

The opening of Scream 3 brings us onto the set of the movie within a movie, STAB, based on the killings that occurred in the original film. In an extremely random cameo, Jersey icons Jay and Silent Bob are seen taking a tour of the studio. (They may as well have been opening up a window while one of the actors scales a building with a rope.) Jay sees news woman Gale Weathers and mistakes her for Connie Chung and says “Oh Shit Silent Bob, it’s that TV news chick Connie Fucking Chung! Hey Connie, how’s Maury?” Silent Bob just waves with a super goofy smile on his face while Weathers (Courtney Cox) gives them the finger. It was actually one of the finer, more amusing moments in the film.
Considering the awful hairstyle they gave Courtney Cox in the film, the duo’s mistake wasn’t too far off base. It clearly would’ve been funnier if they said “hey it’s that TV news chick who’s married to the former host of A Current Affair,” now that’s comedy.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.16: The Legend of Jason Voorhees Begins!

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Why should I beat a dead Kevin Bacon and sound completely redundant when I know damn well that more in depth information about the relationship between Friday the 13th and New Jersey exists all over the place? (You can visit Weird NJ for the best in New Jersey lore, myths, and legends.) What inspires me to touch on the subject here at the Armpit is that I find myself baffled. I often speak to people locally that have no idea that the first Friday the 13th film was filmed right here in our very own state of New Jersey! I can’t expect everyone to be obsessed with horror movies, but how about some awareness of pop culture history folks? To assume that everyone knows that Camp Crystal Lake was actually Camp NoBeBoSco is definitely pushing it.

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In anticipation of the new version of Friday the 13th hitting theaters in a few weeks (2/13/09), I figured I’d brag a little bit about New Jersey being the place where the legend of Jason Voorhees began.

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The unbelievable website Friday the 13th films.com, offers a thorough tour through the New Jersey sites that appear in the film. The site offers a “then and now” look at Blairstown, Hope, and Hardwick Township, New Jersey. It’s fascinating to see how the screen shots match up to photos taken close to 6 years ago. The rest of the films in the series completely ignored New Jersey as a filming location, possibly because of the exorbitant fees associated with filming here. The Friday the 13th franchise further snubbed N.J by choosing to have Jason “take” a certain place that eternally shadows New Jersey in part 8.

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Jason (Ari Lehman) and Alice (Adrienne King) share a poignant moment in between takes.
The township of Blairstown seems to be embracing it’s starring role in the iconic 1980 horror film. Check out the Blairstown Theater Festival website which also details the township’s connection with Friday the 13th.

“On July 13, 2007, Friday the 13th was screened for the first time on Blairstown’s Main Street in the very theater which appears shortly after the opening credits. Overflowing crowds forced the Blairstown Theater Festival, the sponsoring organization, to add an extra screening at 11:00 PM. The event was covered by local media and New York City’s Channel 11.”

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead!

Nudity, Lesbians, Chicken, and Zombies! My review is over, that was easy!

Get Poultrygeist on DVD!

Some folks are simple and don’t require elaborate explanations “cocked” with flowery, persuasive language. For those who DO require more, read on!
Troma Films’ Lloyd Kaufman not only directs, but also makes a cameo appearance in his latest and greatest film Poultrygeist. If you’re the type of lame-o who doesn’t appreciate Troma films then you’re probably the one sitting like a bump on a log at parties also. If you’re going to watch Poultrygeist, first you’ll need to lighten up a bit. Did Gary and Wyatt from Weird Science have any fun wearing their jeans into the shower with Lisa? Hell no! Just like Lloyd Kaufman whipped up his wondrous special recipe when making Poultrygeist, The Sexy Armpit has it’s own special technique on how to enjoy Poultrygeist at the most optimum level.

1) Pick up Lloyd Kaufman’s gory, sexually explicit, social commentary Poultrygeist (available NOW on DVD at finer stores everywhere)
2) Head to the nearest fast food joint and order some of their cheap, gut busting, hormone infused, secret sauce swimming fare…TO GO!
3) Get comfortable, take those jeans off if you have to! Boxers are optional of course.
4) Have plenty of napkins/and or paper towels in close proximity….(cause the food will make your hands greasy, douche! what were you thinking?)
5) Think long and hard about what you’re about to do. You may want to go to confession before watching Poultrygeist. You may also want to reconsider ingesting this food. Ah, f–k it.
6) Make sure your hands aren’t greasy and then insert the Poultrygeist DVD. Before insertion, make sure the disc is in correctly to avoid it coming out too quickly.
7) Push start on the DVD player. Proceed to laugh, vomit, and spray shit from your ass like it’s coming out of a whale’s blowhole.
I’m known for my occassional overuse of the “C” word. There are even times I call my mom the “C” word. I know how it is to get angry and scream “Mama Weer All CRAZEE Now” as in the Slade/Quiet Riot song. Although, when I’m not using the word “Crazee” I use the acronym C.L.A.M, which stands for Collegiate Lesbians Against Megaconglomerates. C.L.A.M is a group of “left wing lipstick lesbos” protesting the fast food joint The American Chicken Bunker. This particular Bunker franchise in Tromaville is accused of cruelty to animals, and to make matters worse, it’s also built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Lloyd Kaufman is the only director in the world who could fry up a masterpiece with that kind of plot.
After some cemetery sex with her, Arbie, our main man, learns that his girlfriend Wendy has turned lesbian. She’s now hooking up with Micki (named for McDonald’s perhaps?) who’s the A #1 C.L.A.M. In retaliation, Arbie decides to take a job as a lowly employee at the American Chicken Bunker in order to win Wendy back from the clutches of C.L.A.M. In the meantime, there’s ooey-gooey zombie chicken eggs hatching out of people’s asses! Zombie chickens are hatching and attempting to maul anything in their path. They begin to terrorize Tromaville, and more specifically, the Chicken Bunker that resides on the ancient Tromahawk cemetery.
Poultrygeist includes more fast food references than you can shake a BK chicken fry at. In addition to Arbie and Wendy, the other employees at the American Chicken Bunker are named after fast food joints also. There’s Denny, Paco Bell, and Carl Jr, who basically shoves his dong into an uncooked chicken carcass and makes sweet love to the filthy beast. While the scene lacks the Eugene Levy-whimsy of the kitchen masturbation scene in American Pie, Carl Jr would easily rip Jason Biggs testicles right off if he knew he was banging warm apple pies instead of indulging his little piece into the wild, untamed world of cold, uncooked, chicken coitus.
I couldn’t believe I was watching the first ever musical, fast food, horror-romance unfold before my eyes. Poultrygeist is a disturbing but delicious marriage of movies like Fast Food Nation and Night of the Living Dead. SEE IT, for the sole reason that it will leave you with an indelible, unrepairable, artery clogging, strange sensation…and it may also make you want to puke. For the best in Zombie chicken orgies, over the top humor, gore, blood spurting decapitation, and disembowelment, see Poultrygeist! You’ll never look at a guy in a chicken costume in the same way again.

Halloween Simplicity in 1987

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October 31st, 1987

Every year for Halloween I wanted to go as Dracula. It was actually beneficial for my mom since it made the whole “getting a costume” process fairly simple. I told her that I would make the medallion to hang around my neck, and do my own makeup. She held up her end of the bargain by getting me those crazy Dracula teeth and a cape. If my memory serves me correctly I milked the Dracula thing for a few years. In the years between I dressed as He-Man, Don Mattingly of the Yankees, and Indiana Jones. As a kid, I never felt the need to have an elaborate costume that took a month to plan and execute. I never had the patience or the motivation for that. Halloween was supposed to be fun and spooky, I wasn’t training to be a costume designer on a Luc Besson film! Halloween should be about watching horror movies, and eating candy…plain and simple!   
As a ninja, my friend Greg (on the left) had an even easier time with his costume than me. But again, it didn’t matter because we had fun every year prowling around the entire neighborhood. From after school until it was dark, we wrung the town dry of all it’s candy.  
Also check out: Halloween 1981

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein at The Union County Arts Center 1998

I’m definitely on board with the whole nostalgia fascination, but I have to say…it’s making me feel so damn old! Digging back into The Sexy Archives has really made me start to think that I need to reserve my space at the senior citizens home. I guess that’s what I get for keeping old stuff.

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Here’s my ticket to a special Halloween showing of Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein on October 29th, 1998 at the Union County Arts Center in Rahway, NJ.  The Union County Arts Center is the former Rahway Theater which was an old silent movie palace built in 1928 that has been fully restored. The theater is listed on the National and State Registers of Historic Places. 

It was free to get in to see the film since it was sponsored by AMC’s Monsterfest House of Horrors.  Every year AMC is known for showing a shitload of great horror movies during the month of October. Earlier today during an exciting fun filled weekend of doing laundry, I was lucky enough to catch AMC’s marathon of Halloween films! When a movie is airing on TV, I’m more inclined to watch than if I have to dig into the vast abyss of my DVD collection to find the specific film. For this year’s lineup you can check out AMC’s Fear Fest schedule.

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) has always been a favorite film of mine, especially as a kid during Halloween. My father showed me a bunch of the Abbott and Costello films and I always enjoyed their brand of humor. This film was the ultimate meeting of humor and horror. The universal horror icons, Dracula, Frankenstein, and Wolfman (and perhaps another special guest!) were all weaved into the plot in an ingenious way. What makes the film stand out as a classic film, not just a horror film or comedy, was its atmosphere. There were some genuinely spooky parts of the film that always attracted me to watching it, but there were also a slew of really funny moments. The typical Abbott and Costello hijinks are present and the “funny” seems to be intensified since they were both experts at acting scared out of their minds.
From Wikipedia:
– In 2001, the United States Library of Congress deemed this film “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” and selected it for preservation in the National Film Registry

– In September 2007, Reader’s Digest selected the movie as one of the top 100 funniest films of all time. 
I’m glad I got a chance to see Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein in a classic movie house. It’s disappointing because there aren’t too many opportunities in the NY/NJ area to get to see classic films on the big screen. It’s a treat to visit The Landmark Loews Jersey Theater when they have film festivals, and it’s rare but Radio City Music Hall has them once in a while as well. I wish there was a theater that was dedicated to showing only horror movies old and new. That’s an idea that would rake in the dough. I know I’d be there at least once a week! 

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Check out Denizens of Darkness who has a great original piece of artwork inspired by a scene from the film.

Cineplex Odeon Memories: The Night I Was Ghostface

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In addition to donning the bat costume earlier that year for the premiere of Batman and Robin, I was also tapped to play Ghostface from the Scream series in honor of the premiere of Scream 2 in December ’97 when I worked at the local Cineplex Odeon Theater at the Menlo Park Mall. My coworkers were aware that I was a huge horror fan as well as completely obsessed with the first Scream film. Electing me to stalk the popcorn gorging, giant soda drinking filmgoers while threatening that that I’d “gut them like a fish,” was a given.

Compared to spending 6-8 hours shaking hands and sweating in the hot, awkward bat costume, I took much pleasure running around in the free flowing, comfortable Ghostface costume. Stalking theatergoers with a fake knife and sneaking up on unsuspecting girls coming out of the bathroom became my pastime for the evening. The most memorable part of being Ghostface happened during each presentation of the film. Right after the moment Jada Pinkett has her excessively dramatic death scene in the film within a film STAB, the Scream title slashes onto the screen. During the short fade to black, a theater usher slammed through the emergency exit door and up the aisle in the dark theater as if he was being chased. Seconds later, wielding a knife high above my head, I barreled through the door and sprinted up the aisle after him. When I reached the door to the lobby I blasted through it and had a laugh with my fellow employee, Victor. In the fleeting seconds that the stunt took place, I remember feeling quite a rush as I heard almost the entire crowd scream and gasp in shock and fear.

What made the occurence even that much more clever was the fact that that part of the movie featured a “film within a film,” which blurred the lines of fiction and reality. I like to believe that my performance magnified that idea and added a little more thrill to the atmosphere.

Would you expect something like that to happen when you’ve spent nearly 10 minutes immersed in a film that you payed $8 bucks (at the time) to see? Nowadays anything that can be classified as an “interruption” would start a line of 12 people complaining in attempts for free passes. As I noted in “The Day I Got To Be Batman” I give credit to the Cineplex Odeon theater staff for taking liberties and being creative as film exhibitors.

It’s not everyday you walk into a movie theater and see a cavernous homemade Batcave erected or a knife wielding killer from a horror film chasing innocent ushers through the theater at high speed. I would’ve liked to have been one of the people watching Scream on that Friday night. It was almost a throwback to gimicks like “smell-o-vision.” I would love movies to become more of an event, like when I go to see an film in IMAX. Do you think witnessing the killer chasing someone through the theater would intensify your viewing experience? Maybe if it doesn’t succeed at creeping you out, it would definitely make for a memorable bit of conversation!

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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.11: The Misfits Form in Lodi, NJ

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I’m always amused when I see people’s reaction the first time they hear a KISS song. Throughout my entire life of being a KISS fan, everyone has always said “Oh I can’t listen to KISS, that’s like death metal.” Many people who have only seen KISS think their sound is more in line with their look. Aside from their typical “Rock and Roll all Nite” fare, take a listen to songs like “Hard Luck Woman,” “I Still Love You,” and “See You In You Dreams,” and you’ll hear that Kiss is the furthest thing from death metal. On the other hand, while they’re not death metal in the least, unlike Kiss, The Misfits sound is more in line with their image.

In 1977, The Misfits came together in Lodi, New Jersey. Named after a Marilyn Monroe film, their ghoulish, macabre makeup was attention grabbing and even more sinister than that of KISS and Alice Cooper. At first listen, their music sounds like simple guttural punk, yet it somehow perfectly evokes the nostalgic and eerie feeling of old horror movies. 30 years after the bands inception, The Misfits are credited as being the innovators of “Horror punk.”

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A slew of bands cite The Misfits as one of their influences such as Metallica, and My Chemical Romance. Their skull logo can be seen everywhere, even if the kids wearing it don’t know what it stands for. It’s the MISFITS muthatruckas! Even with the departure of Glenn Danzig and various lineup changes, The Misfits are still terrorizing the country. Check out their tour dates to see when they’ll be in your neighborhood.

Now check out a few Misfit facts:

– Bassist, vocalist, and former WCW wrestler extraordinaire Jerry Only is known for inventing the “devilock” hairstyle seen here (2nd in from the left):

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– The Misfits named their legion of fans “Fiends.” Their fiend club is their equivalent of the Kiss Army.

– This bit of interesting info comes courtesy of The Misfits website (www.misfits.com):

“The Misfits and their “Fiend Club” also became instrumental in petitioning for the release of the U.S. Classic Movie Monster Stamp series which, among other of their heroes, featured Bela Lugosi Sr., as Dracula, Ben Chapman as the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and of course, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein.”

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– Here’s probably the most interesting thing I found about the Misfits:
The Misfits operate out of North Jersey where they own a machine shop and a knife factory. Not only do they make their own instruments but also their amps, studded straps and spiked leather jackets! The Misfits also fashion their very own stage sets and props!

– George Romero directed this Misfits video for “Scream” in exchange for letting Romero use 2 of their songs in his film Bruiser.

Video for “American Psycho” with an awesome intro:

Here you can see the craziness of a 1981 Misfits show as they perform one of their signature songs “Halloween”:

Here’s a really cool homemade video for their song “Vampira”: