Janine, She’s My Queen! (rated R)

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Come here Janine Melnitz
i want to feel your tits
people should know you’re not a complete ditz
Ohh Janine, you’re my queen
I wanna lick you clean
F–k Louis Tully he’s a geek
he gets scared when he hears a door creak
what’s with your thing for Egon?
you put the moves on him like Danielson

you can babysit me anytime
like our ghost friend I‘ll leave you covered in Slime
Ohh Janine, you’re my queen
we’ll eat some french bread pizza and pass out
that’s what i’m talkin‘ ’bout!
hey girl, there’s no need to flirt
Come on and lift up that mini-skirt
on Myspace i’ll post your pic
you know, the one where your mouth is filled with my ….

i’ll give you extra time so you can put on your freak
The print is dead and it’s all Greek
i’ll bring you to your peak
Ohh Janine, you’re my queen
forget reading, you’re my favorite hobby
I’ll do you in a hotel or right in the firehouse lobby
you’re so unusual like Cyndi
your hair looks like you were blasted with glue when it was windy
Instead of talking dirty I want you to yell “WE GOT ONE!”
And then I’ll shoot you with my proton gun

You were once played by Annie Potts
And you made me feel it right in my stugots
It’s a tough job filling that role
And sliding up and down my pole
You know the one made of brass
When you’re at the top I stare at your ass
I’ll make my way to your clit
and I don’t have a warrant or a writ
I hope to give u a thirty-five foot long, six hundred pound orgasm
And maybe even a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm

Trust me, I can stay puft for hours
Even longer than The Two Towers
Hey Janine, you got spunk…
…no…no, I mean literally you have spunk…on the side of your cheek
Sorry, my protection grid just sprung a leak
I know there is no Janine only Zuul
but my life is yours to rule
I’m very handy and I even play racquetball
So Janine, my queen, when you want a date…Who Ya Gonna Call?
www.SexyArmpit.com

Jay’s Christmas Playlist 2007

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In 2005, I decided to print a list of random songs I loved from my iTunes Christmas playlist. Though for some reason, last Christmas I didn’t publish one. This year, I vow to go further into my vast iPod Christmas playlist. I realize that a ton of blogs actually feature their playlists with downloadable songs. Unfortunately, I won’t do that for 2 reasons: 1) I’d rather not get my ass sued 2) I’m not that technically savvy. Christmas music brings me back in time and I love adding new tunes all year long. I love when I tell a person about a Christmas song that they didn’t even know existed. So here’s just another peek into what I’m listening to this holiday season. The 2005 Playlist is linked HERE. If there’s any you’d like to add, feel free to leave a comment!

Christmastime is Here – Stone Temple Pilots

Oh Come All Ye Faithful – Twisted Sister

Happy Holidays – Andy Williams

Jingle Bell Rock .38 Special

Jingle Bell Rock – Tuff

Jingle Bell Rock – Nelson

Best Part of Christmas – American Angel

The Christmas Song – Johnny Mathis

12 Days of Christmas – Relient K

Christmas is the Time to say I love you – SR-71

Little Drummer Boy – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

If it Doesn’t Snow For Christmas – Joe Pesci

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Handsome Devil

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Dokken!

Merry Frickin’ Christmas – Frickin’ A

White Christmas – The Drifters

I’ll Be Stone For Christmas – Bob Rivers

Merry Christmas Baby – Pepe, from the Muppets

My Girlfriend (Forgot Me This Christmas) – The Click Five

We Need a Little Christmas – The New Christy Minstrels

Do You Hear What I Hear? – Carrie Underwood

Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters

Last Christmas- Butch Walker

Please Come Home For Christmas – Bon Jovi

Christmas Celebration – Weezer

Ave Maria – Chris Cornell

Click HERE to read Jay’s 2005’s Christmas Playlist

www.SexyArmpit.com

TNT’s Evel Knievel Movie, 2004

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This post originally appeared on my other site the now defunct Super Cycles. We mourn the passing of Evel Knievel. To honor the great daredevil, let’s take a look at one of the several films about his life.

Made for TNT in 2004, Evel Knievel, gives Knievel’s career a Boogie Nights treatment. The film was based on the book Evel Incarnate: The Life and Legend of Evel Knievel by Steven Mandich. In the opening of the movie we see Evel (played by George Eads of CSI) getting ready for his jump over Caesar’s Fountain in Las Vegas in 1968. Many of the quick cuts were taken from actual footage, while others throughout the film were accurately reproduced right down to the old ABC TV logo. It’s fast pace and exciting atmosphere is what made me enjoy this film.

The film didn’t waste time with tons of back story. The plot was set and ready to go rapidly as if it was Evel preparing the crowd for one of his jumps. Starting in his early years, little Bobby Knievel was a risk taker. He was getting caught stealing hubcaps and bicycling away from the cops. As he got older he quit his steady paycheck at the coal mine so he could open his own Motorcycle shop. He even advertised a FREE motorcycle to anyone who could beat him in arm wrestling. Knievel thrived on attention.
While performing a few bike stunts and collecting some cash, he caught the eye of the lovely Linda Bork (Jaime Pressly.) Bork quickly fell for Knievel and the mystery and thrills that went along with him. The money was flowing in once he made the deal with Caesar’s to jump the fountains. Right after his wipe out at Caesar’s, Bork stood by Knievel throughout his 29 day coma. He was told he wouldn’t be able to walk or ever ride a bike again. Knievel was too strong and he wouldn’t hear any of that nonsense. There were many references to Steve Mcqueen while Evel took a potshot at John Wayne: “Tell him I said he’s a wuss.” Knievel clearly wasn’t afraid of anything. Evel occasionally came out with some pretty prolific quotes like “A jump is like an orgasm” or “Nothing could kill me, I’m Evel Knievel.” You’d have to think he was an adrenaline junky. When one reporter questioned him about the fact that kids were trying to duplicate his stunts he explained that kids”shouldn’t hide or cower from life.”

Thankfully there was a light atmosphere throughout the film, even though there was surely some dark moments in Knievel’s life. There were a few times when the deleterious effects of his fame were explored. Evel would drink heavily, and cheat on his wife, even with one of her old friends. When not flying into a fit of rage, Knievel kept his sense of humor in the press conferences shown in the film. Knievel was frequently shown urinating in random places, which may have been because he was constantly drinking throughout the film.

Pressly made us feel like Bork was the heart and soul behind Knievel. Eads was a perfect fit into Knievel’s legendary jumpsuit but he would still be drinking beers and eating nuts on the couch if Pressly’s Bork didn’t rev up his engine when he ran out of gas. Through Knievel’s injuries and adulteries, Bork was loyal and Pressly did a fine job at portraying her. When the Snake River jump failed, it didn’t seem like that much of a loss. Knievel was upset and Eads made us feel it but it didn’t seem like he was really all that pissed because it didn’t take very long to pull himself back up and try another jump. This is what made Knievel stand out from the crowd. Whether he kept going back for the money or the rush of it all is questionable.

This film gave us a unique insight about how surreal it must have been for Knievel at that time. Knievel gained a huge loyal fan base and visited arenas all over the country to showcase his stunts. The Ballad of Evel Knievel played on a jukebox while he was in a bar and Evel gazed up at a theater marquee that was playing Even Knievel starring George Hamilton. It was also a treat to watch a meeting with Ideal toys where one employee pitches an Even Knievel action figure. (Evel wasn’t sure to call it a “doll” or an “action figure.”) When the movie followed Evel’s rapid rise to fame and the decadence of mansions and women it reminded me of Boogie Nights.

TNT’s Evel Knievel proves to be exciting, entertaining, and humorous. If you’re a Knievel fan I doubt you missed this one when it aired on TNT, but if not, it’s available on DVD. In it, you’ll see a nail biting recreation of the Snake River Canyon jump and other faithful re-creations of Evel’s classic stunts. At the end, facts about Knievel’s career appear on the screen during his jump over 14 school buses. Just a few of the facts they mentioned are that he’s performed over 300 jumps and he holds the Guiness Record for most broken bones. Broken bones aside, what I took away from this film is that if you don’t even try to accomplish your goal you never will. First, decide on what you want, and keep trying even though you may fail a few times. No matter how hard you think the obstacle is, you have to persevere. Because of his extreme stunts and his never say die attitude, the spectacle Evel Knievel created will be always remembered by fans everywhere.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Getting High with Mr. Sketch

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Earlier, I was taking a shower and the air creeping over the curtain and down into my nostrils smelt like Woolworth’s in Menlo Park mall circa ’84. Sometimes I get the whiff of Cheese Nips, other times it’s the scent of hotel pools or convenience stores. I’m a scent connoisseur. Usually I perceive and recognize smells extremely fast. I may not be able to run a 7 minute mile, but I can definitely tell if the odor that’s wafting our way reminds me of Bugles. Bugles might not even be in the vicinity but there’s a definite Bugle-esque bouquet in the air. Through the years several factors have helped shape my keen ability to identify the spectrum of scents.
I don’t think I would’ve grown up to be as well adjusted as I am if it wasn’t for spending my youth sniffing the purple pie man. Strawberry Shortcake action figures were known for luring young girls in the toy aisle using their enchanting aroma. If I was over a friends house that happened to be a girl, I would sneak sniffs of the purple pie man like it was an asthma inhaler. He made such an impression on me that I’ve made “Sniffing the purple pie man” into an everyday phrase. Sometimes you need to stop and sniff the purple pie man. It’ll relax you when you’re stressed and it brings you back to the fun times when all you had to do was play with toys.
My childhood also wouldn’t have been the same if Stinkor and Moss Man didn’t smell the way they did. It’s similar to hearing a story from a senior citizen about how simple life was when they were young. Life was easier and there wasn’t much technology to keep you working at home on your laptop and getting calls and emails on your blackberry 47 times when you’re tyring to relax. Sure, we had technology and stress, but we also had smelly action figures to counteract it all. Every once in a while after a really stressful day you might catch my dad digging through my Masters of the Universe action figure box to snatch up Moss Man for just 5 seconds to nervously inhale his calming mossy aroma. No one forgets Moss Man and Stinkor, while guys like f—ing Clamp Champ are all but forgotten (except here). I bet you can still smell them if you think a little bit. People who weren’t even alive at the time remember Stinkor and Moss Man, EVERYONE knows them. I’m pretty sure Moss Man is now the President of Timor–Leste.

Remember how much fun it was to come across scratch and sniff stickers in your sticker album? Even if you could barely see the freakin‘ banana because it was scratched 865 times, you still scratched it to bring out the last faint sigh of it’s banana breath. Many times, the artificial scents on the stickers smelled way better than the real thing. Imagine if the real thing started to smell as good as the artificial version? Imagine if virgin vagina’s actually smelled like cherries? What if Grape Nuts actually smelled like grapes? That would’ve been a surefire way to get me to eat loads of them as a kid.

Not only do I have a keen sniffer but I can think up some smelly new products. Life would be grand if everything that existed had fun scents. For instance, if you walked up to your car in the morning as its glistening with morning dew and you carefully move your nose close to the paint job and your forest green Jetta smells faintly like a pine tree. As you fall asleep at night embracing your warm blue comforter you become totally relaxed and the subtle smell of blueberry muffins wafts up your nose.

I know you’ve heard of Pot stickers. The thing is that they aren’t actual stickers. They are a kind of Chinese dumpling. But while eating one in Buddakan in A.C, I came up with a great idea. A scratch and sniff sticker of a marijuana bud that smells like pot. Also, why doesn’t Yankee Candle produce a candle that smells like the dead of summer and the hot pavement just got soaked by a sprinkler. That would be a hot seller. I’d pay 29.95 for that. It would be fantastic if they had a vintage Bowling Alley scent vintage ’83. Or even Library ’78.

Awaiting you at the top of Mount Smellanai is a whiff of possibly the greatest scent ever created. The scent of a Mr. Sketch marker. How come no one has come up with Aromatherapy with Mr.Sketch? To me, this would be the pinnacle of Holistic healing since their scents arouse those warm fuzzy feeling inside. It reminds me of when I first used them in school as a kid. Everyone would argue over which scent was the best or which one was their favorite. If Oxygen bars exist, then why not Mr. Sketch bars? With “fragrances” such as Wild Cherry (always my favorite) and Mint, there’s no end to the variety of scents you can take in.

Smells and memories go hand in hand. I had this Darth Vader eraser that smelled phenomenal. I kept it my entire childhood and never used it, I just sat there and sniffed it all the time. There’s also that wondrous smell that you detect anytime you used to walk in the house and your mom was cooking up a delicious meal. Think of all of the scents that jog your memory like bubble gum, or a newly painted room. The plastic scent that invades your nostrils every time you open up a brand new action figure. How about the tickling scent that comes at you after you unscrew a bottle of Pepsi? Maybe you have fond memories of your uncle who smelt like English Leather, or my old hallway closet that smelled like mothballs. So whatever it is you enjoy smelling, relax, sniff, and enjoy. Let your fragrant fantasies run wild and you’ll be climbing the peak of nostril enjoyment.

Oh yeah, if you need some conversation pieces or a stocking stuffer this year I found this whacked out website that sells sells weird perfume. This is for those of you who want to smell like Egg Nogg, Gin and Tonics, Play-Doh, and Crayola Crayons. Where’s the Pepsi perfume, or Cabbage Patch Kids Perfume?

www.SexyArmpit.com

Thanks to Kevin Dubrow, We’ll always BANG OUR HEADS!

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I was saddened today when I read that Kevin Dubrow, lead singer of Quiet Riot, was found dead in his Vegas home. I was lucky enough to meet Kevin on several occasions and interview him on my radio show. From my contact with him he seemed like a truly warm and lighthearted person. Talking to him gave me the feeling that he was just happy to have been a part of the rock/metal scene in one of it’s most important eras. Unfortunately, no information has been released on the cause of death. I remember seeing Quiet Riot open up for Poison at the PNC Bank Arts Center one year, and boy did they show up everyone on the bill! They were fantastic and sounded like they were just breaking onto the music scene. Just yesterday I was playing “Metal Health” on Guitar Hero and today he’s gone. On behalf of The Sexy Armpit, we’ll miss you Kevin…

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Goonies Treasures Discovered

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In the past 20 some odd years it’s been tough being a Goonies fan. We waited such an insanely long time after DVDs became mainstream to even get The Goonies on DVD. ’80s classics like The Gremlins had an early release when DVD’s first got popular, but Goonies fans had to continually watch our beat up VHS copies. There’s also been constant teasing from the media for several years that a Goonies sequel has been in the works but it never seems to go anywhere.

Things started to look up a few years ago when The Goonies was finally given a nice treatment on DVD. About 6 years ago I started to notice an influx of Goonies merch like T-shirts, lunch boxes, and a whole lot of junk that could most likely be purchased at your local Hot Topic. I didn’t care what it was, or where I could get this stuff, I was just happy to see that my favorite movie of all time was finally getting some play. Even growing up there wasn’t much fervor for the Goonies and I didn’t see why. At the time, everyone close to my age loved watching the Goonies. I remember my mother bringing me to see it and I thought it was the most awesome movie ever and it reminded me of how it was hanging out with my friends at the time.

Just when there finally seems to be a big demand for Goonies stuff, I’m really losing my touch trying to keep tabs on all of these cool collectibles. If it weren’t for the Internet I would miss out on alot of crap. I try to keep up on the collectible landscape but the new Goonies action figures seemed to have slipped by me. I went to a website that said they’ve been out since August, so I immediately bought the entire 5 figure set. These figures are unbelievable. The accessories! Chunk has his milkshake (cause it brings all the boys to the yard), Mouth has his comb, and Mikey comes with an alternate hand so he can suck on his inhaler. Freakin’ amazing! While purchasing the figures, I noticed another entry for the “Copper Bone” contraption that Mikey used to activate the huge boulder trap. I couldn’t believe that a replica of this existed and how cool it looked. It’s a limited edition made by Mezco Toys and it was a Comic Con exclusive. When it came in the mail, I was overwhelmed at it’s authenticity and beautiful packaging.

Just this morning while doing a Goonie Google search, I found another great Goonies related treasure. How could I have missed this one? Did you happen to see it? Apparently Jeep is celebrating 20 years of their involvement in the Goonies film and they have a video game Goonies: Return to Astoria on their site. The game is downright horrible to play but there’s new artwork and a trailer to check out.

It’s fantastic that all this Goonies nostalgia’s happening, so hopefully it’ll make way for a sequel. I’m sure the pirate nostalgia caused by the popularity of the Pirates of the Carribean films helped out a bit. ’80s nostalgia in general is big too, and it only means dollar signs so why not keep it rolling? One of the best parts of being a Goonies collector is that there aren’t too many things to actually get. I’m happy with my Goonies posters, Goonies Burger King glasses, and movie magazines, although I am even more excited that there will be more to come.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Van Halen, Madison Square Garden 11/13/07

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Last night at Madison Square Garden it felt like Van Hagar never existed. Dave, Alex, Eddie, and Wolfgang joined forces to bring fans a reunion tour. I know, I know…we all loved Michael Anthony but honestly, no disrespect, but I think all 20 some odd thousand of us were jam packed into the world’s most famous arena to rekindle our romance with the classic chemistry between Diamond Dave and Eddie Van Halen. There must’ve been a huge payoff because I would’ve never known these guys ever had a modicum of animosity toward each other by watching them on stage last night. The fact that David Lee Roth and Eddie and Alex Van Halen were nowhere in sight at their own Rock Hall induction ceremony didn’t even enter my mind. For me, this concert far surpassed any acceptance speech. Van Halen relentlessly pummeled their astonished audience with classics like “Everybody Wants Some,” “So This Is Love,” and “Mean Streets.”

I desperately want to be cliche and say that I took a time machine back to ’84 and that absolutely nothing has changed with VH, but it has, and it’s kind of impressive. Eddie’s a bit older now and reminds me of David Letterman, but he’s every bit the virtuoso he always was and that’s an understatement. If you’ve never witnessed Eddie Van Halen’s guitar execution it’s literally mind blowing. So, regarding Eddie being awesome on guitar, then it’s still ’84. He made that guitar his bitch and he did things you didn’t even know were possible with a guitar! It was like he studied the ancient art of Guitarma Sutra. Diamond Dave is still the master of ceremonies and a stellar showman, so that part is still the same. He’s opted NOT to wear spandex, tassels, or rock big hair, but he’s still twirling his mic stand and doing his random patented A.D.D spin kicks. Gotta love him…after all, he IS your Ice Cream man and he’s way more ripped than you!

To feel mesmerized at a concert if you’re not high is pretty remarkable. I just stood there letting these classic VH songs that I grew up with unfold before my eyes. I did get to hear alot of these songs when Van Halen toured with Gary Cherone, but this is really what many fans have been waiting 20 years for. With “Beautiful Girls” and “Somebody Get Me a Doctor,” the band’s chemistry just felt right, and not forced at all. That’s why I find it so strange why so many writer’s and critics are spreading the opposite word around. This show was as f’n organic as the pot in the audience that was giving me a contact high. At that point, “Dance the Night Away” and “Atomic Punk” just brought me more into rock euphoria.

Although “Jaime’s Crying” sounded a bit herky-jerky, getting to hear Dave’s banter throughout the show, though minimal, was a real treat: “Don’t stick that tongue out at me unless you intend to use it hot stuff!” The pinch to let me know I was actually in ’07 came when Dave referred to a “booty call,” since that term didn’t get big until Hagar was in office.

I sensed a vibe of relief onstage. It seemed like these guys were actually having a good time and happy to finally be “wrecking the place” together again. It’s not impossible since they still retain their title of world’s greatest party band and they always do it up big and thunderous. Naturally, this monumental night was capped off by Van Halen’s most recognizable song and biggest hit, “Jump.” Let’s just say I saw enough high fiving in the row in front of me to last a lifetime.

Some highlights for me were “Panama,” “I’ll Wait,” and “Hot for Teacher.”
www.SexyArmpit.com

The Sexy Armpit ‘s 3-year Anniversary…SPEECH…SPEECH!

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I’ve never celebrated an anniversary for this site so I figured why not indulge in a grand Internet tradition? I’ve prepared a little speech…

The great Paul Stanley of KISS once said that they originally created KISS because they wanted to be a band that they would enjoy watching live themselves. In 2004, I set out to create a website that was original and reflected my personality. It turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. The look was there, but the content wasn’t. I realized that the things that I felt compelled to write about were already written about and even when I came up with new ideas, I would log on to sites like X-E, Progressive Boink, and other sites only to see that it was already written about promptly and gloriously. If there’s a new food or drink, or the return of an old toy line from the ’80s like Masters of the Universe, it’s published on the Internet instantly.

The Sexy Armpit exists not to break the news on popular culture, or even report, it but merely to give it’s perspective. The market for pop culture blogs is already saturated. Hopefully you’ll see that our mission isn’t to be quick on the mark, or the MOST nostalgic…but one that doesn’t follow the crowd.

For me, the desire to keep writing will always be there because I enjoy it. It’s obviously not about the money. The hard part is coming up with ideas that haven’t really been done too much on the Internet. If I were to write a piece on the reasons why I’d want to bang Teela, that might be humorous, but I bet some lonely guy has a running list on some site that’s been on a server since ‘94. (apparently the #1 reason is that “She loves Anal“)

www.SexyArmpit.com

3 Musketeers Dark Chocolate Mint

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I’m really not a big candy guy, and it’s rare for me to find a variety that I really enjoy. I am a sucker for a limited edition candy, or a version that might not have a long run in stores. In this instance, inside the cool Batman trick or treat pail that my girl got for me, I found a new 3 Musketeers bar waiting for me mixed in with some other treats.

This was no ordinary 3 Musketeers bar either, this one was made with Dark Chocolate and had mint fluffy stuff inside. I’ve always leaned toward 3 Musketeers if I were to have a candy bar, mostly because they are lower in fat than other bars but also because they’re damn good. Of course, candy bars are notoriously packed with fat and calories, but this one will give you a less severe heart attack than if you just ate Baby Ruth’s or Whatchamacalits all day. And sorry NO, Snickers marathon bars do not count as a healthy meal! If you do look at nutritional information, then you’d be rather pleased to know that you won’t have to feel totally guilty eating this new bar.

One requirement before eating: you must have a taste for dark chocolate. I’m a maniac for dark chocolate and I’m the first one to grab the Special Dark Hershey’s whenever there’s a bowl of variety chocolates around. It’s usually not a big deal because everyone I know goes for Krackle like it’s a target and they’re snipers. It’s sick! The fact that dark chocolate is lower in fat than milk chocolate probably explains why there’s so many new candy and foods that are coming out featuring dark chocolate. Companies love to capitalize on health trends. I’ve tried the Snickers Dark bar and it’s really enjoyable but I don’t think it stands up to this one. It’s hard to change your taste with a bar as iconic as Snickers. You expect one flavor, the same one you’ve tasted forever. If it’s any different, it’s a let down!

The bar has a basic mint taste with a similar but softer texture than a York Peppermint Patty. I liked that it didn’t have a peppermint taste, but more of a vague mint which wasn’t overpowering. The version I got was actually 2 small bars in one package which is never fun. If I wanted FUN SIZE, I would’ve bought them. I think this is the way that they scam us by thinking we’re getting a whole bar, yet they chince on 2 centimeters of the bar. Crooks I tell ya!
www.SexyArmpit.com