Sludge Central

New York City: Champion of Scuzz

Posted on March 17, 2008 by sexyarmpit

It’s obvious that New York has always trumped New Jersey in their bitter rivalry for popularity. Although, in the battle for who’s scummier, smellier, and who has the better strip clubs, it’s usually a pretty close match up. A recent trip to NYC granted me the opportunity to hereby relinquish New Jersey’s contention in this silly grudge once and for all. WE SUBMIT!!!

I went to a bar in Manhattan where I took the risk of using the men’s room. As my tinkle started to trickle down into the urinal, I noticed a familiar title emblazoned on the brownish yellow urinal screen. I was actually paying attention to the urinal screen, so I figured I HAD to be drunk. But I wasn’t and the urinal screen said VAN WILDER! Van Wilder is one of my favorite movies and I doubted this promotional item was from the original Van Wilder, and my deduction was correct. After a close examination (yes folks, I DID make a closer examination…I may have actually made out with the bacteria, fly infested urinal, but I proved I was right)

The ribbon that used to be underneath the title VAN WILDER has worn off. It used to say The Rise of Taj. Regardless, according to IMDB The Rise of Taj went straight to DVD and was released for a short time theatrically on December 1st, 2006 and the DVD went on sale on March 27th, 2007. If my calculations are correct, promotional items for The Rise of Taj were probably put out at least a month ahead of time. I wonder how much longer they’ll leave this sickeningly old thing in there? I always knew NYC bathrooms were disgusting, but keeping that in the urinal for so long has to be violating some sort of health code.

I bet they have no idea that there’s some guy blogging about their urinal screen. Haha…it’s the little things. Secretly writing about their lack of changing their urinal screen really gives me the jollies for some reason. Probably cause I’m a sick fuck.

Perhaps they’re leaving the screen in there for the novelty factor, like an in-joke in a movie? Though the only people who are getting a little “rise” out of it are the people like me who appreciate obscure pop culture references that would’ve otherwise been lost to the ages. Or they’re just trying to be delightfully tacky. Something tells me that the actual DVD of The Rise of Taj will soon be worth as much as this 2-year old promotional urinal screen. I can see it making the ridiculously huge $5 bargain bins at Wal-Mart! Unless the bar owner can prove Justin Timberlake once pissed on it, I’m pretty sure it’s time to retire the Taj screen. DING, DING, DING!! Can we get Michael Buffer over here? HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF SCUZZ: NEW YORK CITY!!!

Captain America: Back to Life and in My Kitchen

Posted on March 4, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Don’t ask me what the fuck Marvel did with the Captain America storyline. For those who aren’t aware, Marvel comics decided to kill off Captain America and bring him back with a new alter ego. What can I say, I’m a purist. I felt like I needed to resurrect the original Captain America so I attempted a “Weird Science-like” experiment. Even with the advent of miniature super heroes that grow six times their size when you throw them in water, I never thought Captain America would actually be in my condo. After it was all said and done, I was grateful for his visit.
If I can reincarnate a super hero on my kitchen counter, think of the host of other possibilities that my kitchen counter can be used for! I might actually cook something one of these days, except probably not in the bowl that Captain America was incubating in so you have nothing to worry about.
I was once told that if I ever had a seed I should definitely plant the seed, nurture the seed, till the soil, and give it encouragement, attention and love. Instead of all that crap, I used the same enhancing serum that the U.S government used on the original Captain America: Steve Rogers himself. I came into a shitload of it when it fell off a truck in near Lyndhurst, NJ. Actually, I’m totally lying to you, I really copped out on this one. I used plain New Jersey tap water…I figured that was radioactive enough to make him grow and give him super powers.

In case you weren’t aware, when you want to grow your own Super Hero, all you need to do is take it out of the package and toss it in a bowl of water and leave it alone for 72 hours. What kind of a children’s amusement toy is this? My father actually wondered how a kid would even enjoy this. There’s no immediate satisfaction! “Here ya go kid, throw this in water…then come back in 3 days…this is FUN isn’t it!?!?!” Damn I know when I was a kid I had more fun taking out my mother’s pots and pans from the kitchen cabinet.

His legend precedes him, but Captain America was much smaller than I first thought. He might’ve been smaller than a freakin‘ Smurf, but his eyes were similar. In fact, he looked like a retarded Claymation figure. This is not what I was expecting from an American Hero.
Captain grew nicely, and when I took him out after 3 days, he was all gross and slimy. To confess, I really didn’t want to touch him at all. He looked and felt like a really nasty sea creature. I did drink the water after I took him out of his little mineral bath though. It was delicious. This water serum that I concocted proved just as effective as Ra’s al Ghul’s Lazarus pit, but of course, he lost his power after a while. Judging by his appearance in the last picture…Cap is shrunken, shriveled, and apparently doesn’t have much staying power. Maybe I shouldn’t have messed with Mother Nature?

Book Review: Slash with Anthony Bozza

Posted on February 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

For a guy like me with an undeniable case of undiagnosed A.D.D, it’s an almost unattainable task to finish reading an entire book. Comic books are fine with me because their brevity in the word department and generosity with images make it feasible for me to run through maybe 2 or even 3 at a time if I am feeling saucy.

I’m a big fan of autobiographies. Learning about my favorite celebrities or icons is interesting because it’s coming straight from the source rather than a tabloid, old myth, or Internet rumor. Having read books like Motley Crue: The Dirt, and David Lee Roth’s Crazy From the Heat, I was immediately seduced when I heard Velvet Revolver’s Slash was writing an autobiography.

Being a huge fan of Guns N Roses from their inception, I was always curious to know more about the truth behind their various controversies. MTV news barely scratched the surface at that time, releasing only punches of information. “Hello this is Kurt Loder with MTV news, while my manner of speech is inexplicably dull and boring, what happened with Axl Rose last night isn’t. He beat a fan in the audience at a concert because he was videotaping the show.” If knowing more of the legend and lore regarding the badass bunch of guys that GNR were in the ’80s then you’ll appreciate Slash’s book.

What I found most amazing in “Slash,” is that his heart and soul lie within his love of playing guitar. So many musicians get into music because they just “thought it was cool” or “wanted to get laid.” In Slash’s instance he has this snake charmer relationship with his guitar. His devotion to playing and his enthusiasm for the techniques that he has developed over the years is the most interesting revelation in the book. Of course it was fun to hear about all of the drugs and the sexual romps that went on, but finding out that Slash is way more than just a guitarist only added to his appeal as a rock icon.

In today’s musical climate, it’s been harder to see music as an art form. With bands like Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco, and even Daughtry who had Slash guest on his album, it’s easy to see that corporate “sure things” are what gets the push and the radio play. Playing guitar on the level that Slash does, where he almost merges with the instrument, that kind of sorcery just isn’t appreciated anymore.

Slash explains thoroughly his life from his youth and family issues, all the way to the present time with his latest band, the saviors of rock Velvet Revolver. Slash thought he was going to be a BMX racer until he fell in love with the guitar. He discusses which bands and players inspired him while he also describes the first time he heard certain legendary rock albums. That’s the type of stuff I find interesting. Some people might find those minuscule details irrelevant and they would rather skip to the part where Axl walks off the stage, but I’d rather hear the romance between Slash and his discovery of guitar.

With his persona being bigger than life, almost a caricature, it’s easy to forget that he’s one of rock’s all time best and most versatile guitarists. Learning about the process of how Appetite for Destruction was recorded, and how the band would get together and write songs was the juicy stuff for me. If you ever thought that Slash would just go in and record with the band it’s not like that at all. Slash has his own methods that are pretty damn cool and helped his signature sound stand apart from the rest especially at a time when there was no originality and you couldn’t tell Britney Fox from Nitro.

Although he’s careful not to go into detail or lambaste Axl, Slash feels that he’s one of the only people that can talk about Axl. Even though they have barely been on speaking terms for several years Slash still comes off like he has a brotherly relationship with Axl. He seems like he’s still protective of him. It was that gang type of mentality that played a huge role in their success. Slash reveals that once that dynamic started to crumble Guns was never the same. Possibly one of the more telling ideas that came up more than once was a common thread among Guns. It was their persistence in being the anti-hairband which lent a major hand in their success at the time. Something tells me that their anti-hairband attitude had a lot to do with why Slash is still popular today and enough in demand to sell a ton of copies of his own autobiography. Does Erik Turner “warrant” his own autobiography?

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“Slash” made for a most satisfying reading experience. You can tell that Slash didn’t embellish or tell sensational stories just to make the book entertaining. Sure he described crazy times but the routine moments were just as good because it’s interesting to read about Slash being in those instances and how everything is different when seen through a celebrities eyes. Certain parts of the book are damn funny, and other’s tell the story of a eccentric, drug addicted, rocker. Before you pick this one up, it helps to have or have had an interest in rock music, or Guns N Roses to enjoy “Slash.”

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Posted on February 16, 2008 by sexyarmpit

In the spirit of not letting this site become a candy review blog, I’d like to tell you that I don’t have much faith in the new candy that’s getting released after eating these new atrocious Chocolate Mix Skittles. I would rather have my face dragged across the blacktop of the New Jersey Turnpike while my feet are tied to the back of a dump truck carrying horse manure than eat these horrid shit pellets.

Most Romantic Moments Heard on my iPod

Posted on February 14, 2008 by sexyarmpit

For Valentines day I bring to you the most romantic moments heard on my iPod. These lyrics may as well be written on little candy hearts. Feel free to use these loving sentiments on your significant other. Love and hearts and stuff…

Turn around bitch I got a use for you
Besides you ain’t got nothin’ better to do
And I’m bored
Guns N Roses – It’s So Easy

I wont tell your mama if you dont tell your dad
I know he’ll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
2 live crew – Me So Horny

I’m only seventeen, but I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen
She’s only seventeen, daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me
Winger – Seventeen

I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday – don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag

Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose…When I call, you put ’em all on hold
Weezer – Suzanne

So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater
Warrant – Cherry Pie

I don’t really care about your sister
Fuck the little bitch ’cause I already kissed her
One thing that I did to your lady
I put her on the bed and she didn’t say maybe
Ugly Kid Joe – I Hate Everything About You

A couple of sips of this love potion and she’ll be on your lap
so I gave some to my dog, when he began to beg
and then he licked his bowl and he looked at me
and did the wild thing on my leg
Tone loc – Funky Cold Medina

I love ya baby but all I can think about is Kielbasa sausage,
your butt cheeks is warm, I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.Now get it on!
Tenacious D – Kielbasa

So what if the sex was great, Just a temporary escape
Anorther thing I grew to hate, But now that’s over
SR71 – Right Now

I said, “You can’t have me, I’m too young for you bitch!”
She said, “No you’re not,” then she starts cryin
I says I’m nineteen, she says, “Stop lyin!”I says, “I am, go ask my mother
And with your wrinkled pussy, I can’t be your lover”
Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh – La Di Da Di

The good book says we must suppress
The good book says we must confess
But who cares what the good book says
Cause now shes taking off her dress
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Catholic school girls rule

Shes a killer queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Queen – Killer queen

I knew a girl named Nikki I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine
She said howd u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind
Prince – Darling Nikki

I think it’s special… what’s behind your back
So turn around and and I’ll pick up the slack
Justin Timberlake – SexyBack

I hate every bone in your body but mine
I can’t wait till I can hate you tonight
Poison – I Hate Every Bone in Your Body but Mine

Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill
Poison – Unskinny Bop

I don’t have no problem with you fucking me
But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me
ODB – Got Your Money

’80s CHiPs Motorcycle Ride On Toy

Posted on January 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Here’s my first motorcycle. I was obsessed with getting this kids version of the CHiPs motorcycle for Christmas one year. I needed the helmet too because I wouldn’t have felt complete without it. The real cycle this was based off of was NOT orange, but hey, it was for kids. I used to pretend I was Jon Baker and I would go and pull my sister over on her Dukes of Hazzard big wheel…wait…that big wheel was actually mine but I couldn’t give a crap about it once Santa finally brought me this fine piece of machinery. I’d still ride it if I still had it!

Gettin’ Whoppy with NEW Whoppers

Posted on January 6, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Nod if you’ve ever experienced Malt-Mouth which is the burning sensation you get inside your mouth after sucking on balls…not just any balls though…Malted Milk Balls. It’s a rare occasion that I actually partake in any malted milk balls, but when I do it’s usually the most popular brand, Whoppers.

If you’re going for it you may as well enjoy the best in it’s class. Think about it, what other malted milk ball comes in a carton? Anything that isn’t milk that comes in a milk carton must be awesome. A candy needs to have a very positive self image and cannot be self conscious in any way in order to display itself on store shelves in a carton. People won’t know what the hell it is. Is it a liquid candy? No silly it’s a carton full of brown balls that you can suck on!

The candy world has been on a rampage lately with debuting new varieties of classic candies. I always think this is a mistake because the new varieties are never as good. Let’s face it peanut butter M&M’s are pretty bad and why do we need them when we can have the original Reese’s pieces? They were good enough for E.T, right?

Whopper Strawberry Milkshake balls came out a few months back. Unfortunately these are light pink and sickeningly sweet. The flavor is pretty accurate but not only did I find that they had an aftertaste, but there were also too many “dud” balls. I’m not talking milk duds here…I’m talking about those bastard balls that weren’t fully processed and taste like burnt corn syrup. If you attempt to bite into these hard, lame balls you’ll see how gross they look. The original Whoppers beat this strawberry variety any day.

Coming up a close second are these new Reese’s Peanut Butter Whoppers. The package enticed me while I was at the checkout counter. I’m so easily sold. The peanut butter variety has the same type of gimmick as the strawberry, only with a flavor more conducive to a malt ball. To make a candy that has been notoriously paired with chocolate forever into strawberry milkshake was a mistake. I was more impressed with the peanut butter but the original remains the best of the bunch. The peanut butter version has a creamy and accurate peanut butter flavor, but like the strawberry version, it’s hard to eat a lot of them because they can easily make you want to vomit.

UPS is WET and HORNY all the time!!!

Posted on January 3, 2008 by sexyarmpit

OK so, sometimes I’m not really paying attention to what I’m doing. We’ve all been there. Occasionally I’ll look in my sock drawer and pick out what I thought were black socks, but I actually wasn’t looking and picked out white socks! Of course, it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m damn tired so there’s an excuse. In other situations I’ll mess numbers up…especially phone numbers. Have you ever misdialed and been totally baffled at who answered? Sometimes it’s someone you sooo did not expect!

During the Christmas season I usually buy a lot of gifts online. This always makes things easier so I won’t have to fight traffic. There is a downside though. I live in a condo and if UPS is making a delivery and I’m not home, they won’t leave the package at the door. Most times that I expect a delivery I’ll come home to an annoying yellow notice stuck to my door. Seeing that notice on my door pretty much defeats the purpose of getting the package mailed to me. This actually makes things more difficult because then I have to haul myself over to the local UPS hub. It’s not that it’s so far, it’s just that there’s a mongoloid that works there. I try not to go there if I can avoid it. But sure enough, every time I need to pick up a package the fat, bald, beady eyed, mongoloid is behind the counter being creepy.

Before you can even pick the package up you have to call UPS and let them know that you want to schedule a pick up rather than have them attempt another delivery. I usually don’t mind calling because their help line is automated and it’s not as bad as some other companies. A computerized female answers and asks how she can help and tells you to punch in or say your Infonotice number. Surprisingly, when you answer it typically understands what you’re saying so the amount of times you have to repeat yourself isn’t too great. The lady’s voice, we’ll call her Joan, is fairly inviting which is why calling to schedule a pickup isn’t that big of a deal to me. I’ve grown pretty used to calling although I’ve haven’t done it while driving in pouring rain. There’s always a first time though. ** WARNING RANDOM ALLITERATION**Keep in mind that dialing a cell phone while driving may deem detrimental to your day.

I steered with one hand and grabbed my blackberry with the other and dialed what I thought was the right number. Instead of dialing 1-800-833-9943, I wound up dialing 1-800-833-9433. I was anticipating reciting my tracking number and scheduling the pickup. Instead of hearing Joan ask me for my infonotice number I hear “Oh baby I‘m so glad you called, i’m so wet and horny all the time and my husband just can’t satisfy me. I’m a sex starved cheating young wife and I need a stud like you NOW!”

I was taken off guard since wet, horny housewives are probably the furthest thing from my mind when calling the United Parcel Service…maybe FedEx because at least there’s that ironic FedSex T-shirt. I hung up not because I was being a prude but because I thought I was going to have to pay for the call! Then I thought, shit… I was on the company phone instead of my cell! What if they look at the bill and it says JAY CALLED PHONE SEX at 6:44 AM…he’s one sick and perverse guy!! In conclusion, UPS does provide a service that’s for sure, but it’s more about arousing the package rather than shipping it.

The BEST posts of 2007

Posted on December 31, 2007October 26, 2020 by sexyarmpit

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays! I’m back from a fairly long hiatus from blogging. I can’t say it was a nice restful break either because the holidays usually stress me out. The traffic and people’s shitty attitudes really piss me off, but heck…they’re over! Now that it’s the last day of 2007, I figured I’d throw up a list of what I consider THE SEXY ARMPIT’S BEST OF 2007 as voted by Scarlett Johannson….nah shit I wish! As voted by ME! Thank you for reading and commenting. Happy New Year! There’s way more to come in ’08 and I look forward to putting up some of the most whacked out stuff yet. And now heeeere’s my top 10 posts of ’07.

10. Questionable Best Buy Ad – this is one of the “Must Read” posts from this site. Even if you don’t find it funny it really shows how ridiculous store ads sometimes are.

9. The Joe Francis Complex

8. Night Walk – a long, but inspired account of thoughts running through my head during a walk through town at night.

7. Too Hard on the Two Coreys – in defense of the ’80s duo.

6. Knockoffs in Disguise – A sorry excuse for a Transformer.

5. CRUSH! A Sexy Armpit tribute – dedicated to the late pro wrestler Crush.

4. Illustrious Art found at Hooters? – It wasn’t a Picasso, I can tell you that much.

3. Tomes and Talismans – Turned out to be one of the most popular posts on this blog.

2. Getting High With Mr. Sketch – My love letter to scents.

1. Janine, She’s My Queen! – A risque love poem to fine ass Janine Melnitz.

Gross Observations #2: Holiday Edition ’07

Posted on December 20, 2007 by sexyarmpit

Why is it that only kids from 1 to 92 get the simple phrase ? What about the rest of them? Do they get a more complex phrase?

What’s all this talk of lighting up trees?

I’m awarding the late, great Karen Carpenter with a Golden Armpit Award for coining the word “Christmasing” in The Carpenter’s Merry Christmas Darling. Heck, even if she didn’t coin it, she still won for best use of the word.

Why is it that Christmas cards are so important? They could make you or break you! If you don’t buy a certain person in your family a nice enough card they’ll totally trash you.

The best part of the cold weather is going outside and getting that first whiff of neighbors using their fireplace. It’s such a great smell.

I wonder how the gay community feels this time of year about the fact that we’re donning all their apparel?

In North Carolina, do they let Heaven and Nature Boy sing? Whoooo!

For some reason I have a fear that one of these days some “genius” Hollywood producer is going to greenlight a remake of Home Alone. Not a sequel…a remake. This will be an abominable mistake. The original is a classic and I still get a kick out of it ’til this day. Much like A Christmas Story it conjures up all those excellent feelings you got during the holidays when you’re a kid.

Why do we write “Xmas” with an X? Wouldn’t that be Crossmas? Maybe even “Multiplied By-mas” It has nothing to do with the number 10 and it’s definitely not “Mark the Spotmas” Who came up with that one?

Wasn’t Last Christmas a much different song when you heard it for the first time AFTER you found out that George Michael was gay? And who is the moron who let Ashley Tisdale murder that song? Holy Crap! William Hung would’ve done a better job!

Forgive me if it sounds perverse but 8 maids a milking actually sounds kinda hot. How that gift was not opened earlier than the 8th day is beyond me. I’m hoping that on the 9th day I get a digi-cam to record that shit. You Tube here I come!

One year I saw mommy kissing Tiny Tim. It wasn’t the ill Cratchit boy though, it was actually Tiny Tim the ’60s ukelele sensation. I’ll never forget that Christmas.

How come no one has harped on the fact that there’s a song that exists called “Back Door Santa“??

I realized the other day as I was completing a holiday purchase at a department store that I left the counter and said Merry Christmas! I don’t give a fuck. Christmas seems to have become a non denominational holiday. So all of that PC crap we’ve been hearing about the past few years, like how you can’t say Merry Christmas – that’s all gone to shit. You can say it to anyone now. That’s the rule…I just made it! Merry F–king Christmas!