NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 64: Hoboken and Beer

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Heineken and Budweiser Hoboken T-Shirts

I spotted these tees in a window somewhere on Washington Street in Hoboken. What comes to mind when you think of Hoboken, NJ? I wager it’s either Frank Sinatra, The Cake Boss, or On The Waterfront. If none of those options came to mind, there’s a pretty good chance that something alcohol related popped in your head. A favorite past time of folks from the NY/NJ area is to go to Hoboken and get shitfaced on really expensive drinks, or if you’re the frugal type, you might stick with beer. This post is for those beer lovers, whether they actually hail from Hoboken or they just like to go and get trashed there.

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Elaine’s Dinner Theater in Cape May NJ

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Don’t give me that crap about summer being over! There’s still time to sneak down to The Jersey Shore and don’t worry, in Cape May you definitely won’t run into Snooki or JWoww. You’re exempt if you live too far away, but if you are within a reasonable driving distance you MUST venture down there to experience Elaine’s Dinner Theater. Miss Sexy Armpit planned it all and surprised me, and I was skeptical at first, but I already want to go back!

Elaine’s offers such a unique night for those who appreciate superb food and live entertainment. The entertainment isn’t a burlesque show or a male revue either, but it does offer lots of laughs and a taste of the macabre. I was in luck because the show I witnessed had zombies, surfing, and even some magic mushrooms.

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The Zombie Beach Party was a fun throwback to the ’60s beach movies starring Frankie and Annette, only with a horror comedy twist. Think of it as Off Broadway…160 miles off Broadway. A couple of the actors played multiple roles, but that’s one of the most entertaining aspects of the production. The cast clearly loves to perform since they were having a blast up on stage. After inhaling an unbelievable meal and kicking back and laughing at the great stage show, I couldn’t believe what a great time I was having.

The entire cast was extremely talented and had excellent comedic timing. The main character, Jeanette (pictured surfing above), not only made me laugh the entire time, but she also created such authentic mannerisms. It was as if Judy Garland killed some brain cells and started hanging out with the girls from the movie Clueless. Her singing voice was so precise during her performance of “Be My Baby” she sounded exactly like Ronnie Spector.

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Dinner Theater seems like an old fashioned concept, but Elaine’s has brought it back. People want something fresh and sometimes it doesn’t have to be revolutionary, but perhaps just an existing idea re-imagined. For example, movie theaters aren’t bringing in as many people as they used to because of ticket prices, on demand, and the sweet home theater they have set up in their living room. The fancy AMC Fork and Screens are morphing theaters into movie theater/restaurant hybrids in hopes of attracting more business. In this landscape of sitting at home watching blu-rays, going to a dinner theater was an enjoyable change of pace.

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Included with your reservation is a full course dinner and then when you are nice and full, the show begins. To start off, I had Cream of Broccoli soup and then the amazing Eggplant Roulade for my main entree. For the price, Elaine’s Dinner Theater is an unbeatable night out.

In addition to their Dinner Theater, Elaine’s also offers a haunted mansion, murder mystery weekends, ghost hunters weekends, and ghost tours. Beginning in November through December, Elaine’s will be presenting Scrooge The Musical.

Elaine’s Dinner Theater
www.twitter.com/ElainesCapeMay

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Jersey Circus

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Often there are times when people wonder “where do people come up with this shit?” Many of those times people in my life say that about me. This time, I’m saying it about the highly amusing new blog, Jersey Circus. They’ve enjoyed a lot of press lately, but if you’ve somehow missed it, it’s simple: “…Jersey Shore and Family Circus Come Together.”
www.SexyArmpit.com

Introducing Robbie E. and Cookie: SHORE on TNA

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I have no qualms about admitting that I’ve enjoyed TNA Wrestling much more than the crap WWE has been putting out for the last several months. There’s a bunch of reasons why I’ve basically jumped ship like Nash and Hall did when they went to WCW. If you can’t possibly comprehend why I feel this way, I’ll explain.

Foremost, the feel of TNA programming overall reminds me of how wrestling was when I first became obsessed with it. The roster is a crew of extremely talented individuals. Whether it’s the stellar tag teams, the X-division, or the ladies, they all have proven their talent and they didn’t need no stinkin’ reality show! Their new stars aren’t being forced down our throats either, they are genuinely making fans interested via awesome matches and cutting attention grabbing promos. TNA’s ranking system adds some legitimacy to the title race, while the unscripted promos are more natural and lend realism to the characters.

Since Hogan and Bischoff joined the company, TNA has been on a slow, but steady incline. There’s certainly a handful of veteran stars, but the focus is predominantly on new talent. Personally, I find it more exciting to watch wrestlers that come from the indy scene rather than those who have been scooped up after Vince fired their asses.

One of those wrestlers who has had an extensive run in several independent companies as well as occasional spots in WWE is New Jersey born Rob Eckos. Eckos, the former “Platinum Poppa,” was recently signed to TNA as Robbie E., a guido type character inspired by MTV’s Jersey Shore, which happens to be TNA’s direct timeslot competition. Do not judge him by his upcoming tongue in cheek take off on the Jersey Shore crew, Eckos is a profoundly talented wrestler who already has over 10 years of in-ring experience. An entry in The Top 10 Reasons to Watch The Wrestler on Blu-Ray here at The Sexy Armpit was that Eckos’ name was mentioned in it! I think it’s the coolest thing to be name dropped in one of my favorite movies of all time, and one of the best Jersey based films ever.

Robby E’s valet will be a send up of Snooki, aptly named Cookie, whose previous ring name was Becky Bayless, a spunky female wrestler also pulled from the indy scene. Make sure you check out TNA Thursday Night iMPACT! on SPIKE TV in the coming weeks to see the premiere of Robbie E. and Cookie!

www.SexyArmpit.com

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 63: Muscle Maker Grill in Warren

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Just last week a new Muscle Maker Grill opened in Warren, NJ and The Sexy Armpit was lucky enough to get an invite to their celebration. The original location in Colonia, NJ provided me with many awesome meals and snacks throughout the years, but I haven’t been to another one of their locations until now. For me, the best part about Muscle Maker is that none of the food ever tastes processed or frozen, it all has that fresh, home made taste. And at the risk of sounding like a commercial, it’s good for you too!
I stuck with my favorite item on the menu, The Rocky Balboa Wrap, which you will never go wrong with since it’s packed with grilled chicken, turkey meatballs, low-fat mozzarella, and marinara sauce. I had a side of broccoli and I was also tempted to order an appetizer of the Honey BBQ Chicken nuggets but I didn’t want to be a gavone. That all went to shit when I caved in and ordered a Chocolate Banana protein shake. It sounded like a good idea at first, but I didn’t realize it was going to be delivered to our table in what looked like a half gallon cup! I did what any red blooded American male would do in a situation like this…I cleaned my plate and downed the entire protein shake like it was nobody’s business. Miss Armpit opted for the European Wrap which consisted of grilled chicken breast, spinach, and roasted peppers in an herb tortilla. She also had the cucumber salad on the side. It was her first time ordering that specific wrap and they were both delicious according to her.
The brand new Warren location is one of the sleekest Muscle Makers in Jersey. From the flat screen TV’s on the walls to the expanded seating area, this is a fine place to eat your meal in. If you’re in a hurry you can order take out or call to have your food delivered! If you haven’t been to a Muscle Maker yet, check their official site for the location nearest you. New locations are popping up all the time, and they aren’t only in Jersey, they also have locations in New York and Florida too.
In 1995 the mastermind behind Muscle Maker Grill, Rod Silva, was operating a protein smoothie shop in Colonia, NJ where customers were noticing how great the food smelled that he brought in for his lunch and dinner frequently. Eventually, after getting many requests to actually BUY his food, he started making meals and selling them to customers, and so the Muscle Maker Grill became a reality. Muscle Maker’s innovative cuisine focuses on serving healthy meals for those with an active lifestyle as well as folks who don’t want to down a greasy burger made from who knows what. They make sure the meat is lean, the dressings and sauces are all low-cal, and the cheese is reduced fat. If you aren’t one to read food labels this all might sound horrid to you, but this food is incredible and it WILL make you doubt that you are eating healthy.
www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.46: Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole

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Derek Jeter promoted his imaginary restaurant when he hosted a December 2001 episode of Saturday Night Live. The hysterical commercial jingle was sung to the tune of The Beach Boys’ “Kokomo.”

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“I think you’ll agree that we’re one of the top 5 Mexican Restaurants in all of Northern New Jersey. It’s Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole off Route 3 in Nutley, New Jersey next to the Kinko’s and El Duqe’s Shoe Repair.”

“Thaaaat’s where I wanna go…Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole!”
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Jersey Gurls Song Parody by Eric Portman

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“Jersey Gurls” by Eric Portman
Eric Portman is a musician, artist, and of course a Jersey guy. He and The Sexy Armpit go way back. While in one of his early bands, Portman was a guest on one of my first radio shows and he also helped design graphics for an old website of mine. He’s a multi talented mofo and he’s funny too! Here is his hysterical parody of Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” done Jersey style. Head over to the link and give him a thumbs up! Nice job Eric! BTW, I took the liberty of changing the spelling of “Girls” to “Gurls,” since that’s the way Katy Perry’s song spells it.

LYRICS by ERIC PORTMAN


I know dis place, where the water’s sorta greener
slow, deep and hard, condoms floating in da water
pounding Jager bombs, smashing underneath the boardwalk
whores break dey necks, while dey checkin out my biceps

*you could travel the world, but nothing comes close to the jersey coast, you can party like us, we’ll smashing in the back of your moms beemer. ohhhhhhhhhh


**Jersey girls are so forgettable, mini skirts poof hair on top, herpes so bad they gunna melt your Popsicles. ohhhhhhhh

raw dawgin on da beach, f*ckin sand in my speedos
I’m pissing in my sleep , Bon Jovi on da stereo 
*
**
spray tanned, toned, but heavy…
www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.45: Man vs. Food

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In the past few years New Jersey has been shoved down TV viewers throats to the extent that I’m sure it makes them want to regurgitate. I doubt the fine folks in North Dakota want to constantly see New Jersey pop up in every show they’re watching. Aside from contrived reality shows, food shows have also been wrapped up in a love affair with the Garden State. I’m not sure why though, since much of our native cuisine consists of deep fried, artery clogging crap just like what Adam Richman encountered in Season 2 of his show (because naturally we weren’t good enough for Season 1), Man vs. Food on The Travel Channel.

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Adam Richman responds to food challenges all over the country and this time around he visited The Grease Trucks in New Brunswick NJ, a legendary spot serving the perfect selections to cap off those nights of binge drinking. If you’re not familiar with the local food phenom, it not only serves Rutgers students, but even out-of-staters come to chow down on some deliciously unhealthy food.

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In this episode, Richman answered the “Fat Sandwich Challenge” at RU Hungry “The Original Grease Truck,” in which he must eat 5 overstuffed sandwiches in 45 minutes. Some of the renowned sandwich amalgamations pile on chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, pork roll, cheesesteak, french fries, and other heavenly items into a sub roll. To psych Richman out, the owner informed him that only around 16 people out of approximately 250 have risen to the challenge and successfully downed the big 5 before the clock stopped. If Richman wins, he gets to create his own sandwich which will be named after him.

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SPOILER ALERT!!! Richman didn’t win, but he went down swinging. I could have done without the little side interviews with the onlookers that the production crew shot and intercut between the tense scenes of him wolfing down the sandwiches. It was obvious that they were fed some terribly cheesy lines.

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Richman also stopped at Harold’s New York Deli in Edison, NJ, which serves only monsterous, supersized meals. I’ve been going there since it opened in 1997 and my first reaction upon seeing the waitress bringing me my food is always “No human being could finish this.” In the above picture, Richman is seen with one of Harold’s Deli’s signature sandwiches, a foot tall, 10 pound corned beef and pastrami sandwich!

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I couldn’t believe that Richman had more room in his stomach to cram even MORE food into it! There’s not a more appropriately named restaurant to accomplish that than Stuff Yer Face, also in New Brunwick, NJ. Open since 1977, Stuff Yer Face is known for their stromboli or just “bolis.” They have 30 different ones to choose from and the option to make your own. Richman customized his own boli, and after it was finished baking, he sat down to eat it. Let me say that damn thing looked so delicious that The Sexy Armpit is now looking to stuff his face there very soon!

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 62: The Beachcomber in Seaside Heights

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This past weekend I took a trip with my girlfriend and some other friends to The Beachcomber in Seaside Heights, NJ. I wanted to check out It Ain’t Pretty, a band churning out modern rock and pop cover songs. The band is made up of Dennis Zimmer, P.J Farley (Trixter, Ra), Shawn Mars, Mark Hall and Dave Clauro. They rocked the place and helped the Beachcomber live up to it’s renewed reputation as a fun place to go to drink and let loose.

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When your establishment’s claim to fame is “This is where Snooki got punched,” it’s easy to attract business. Even their t-shirt has become a collectible with the stamp of approval: The Beachcomber Bar and Grill: The Official Bar of MTV’s Jersey Shore.

While walking around the Seaside Heights boardwalk that night, I realized why MTV chose the Seaside Boardwalk as opposed to the other stretches of the expansive Jersey Shore. Why not Point Pleasant, Atlantic City, or Wildwood? The answer is because the Seaside Boardwalk is unbeatable. There’s so much crap to do! There’s games, stores, bars, and rides; you’re almost guaranteed to have some sort of fun. So, for those watching Jersey Shore repeats thinking that Seaside Heights has a cheap, shlocky mess of a boardwalk, well, you’re absolutely right and that’s why it’s awesome.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Ghost Ship: Walk Through Ride in Wildwood!

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Calling me SUPER PUMPED after I originally saw this video reporting the opening of The Ghost Ship at Morey’s Pier in Wildwood was an understatement. Since the ride opened, there were several other reports and reviews of the ride around the ‘net and in local papers that mistakenly referred to the Ghost Ship as a Dark Ride, which it most definitely isn’t. In case you plan on hitting the Wildwood boardwalk before the summer officially comes to an end, heed my warning: The Ghost Ship is merely a walk through, and not a very scary one either.

Most of the conventional aspects of a walk through haunted house are present in the Ghost Ship. There’s a hallway with inflated walls that you have to push your way through, there’s creepy actors hanging in shadows and corners, and of course there’s times when you feel like a complete idiot because you don’t know if you’re going the right way. The ghoulish displays and the creepy atmosphere were well done and deserve credit for the fine detail, but overall it just wasn’t very thrilling.

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The Ghost Ship attraction has 2 main factors riding against it. First, it’s not much different than the majority of walk through haunted houses you’ve been to, and second, it’s pretty damn expensive for such a short length of time. One adult admission will soak you nearly $11.50, and there’s not even a nice little boat ride involved! Honestly, I was hoping the entire time I was walking through the ride that I’d eventually reach the part where we all loaded onto boats. I’d be happy to pay extra for a true dark ride, whether it’s in a boat or a coaster car. I guess it would be silly to ride a boat while inside a ship.

Many people are into the walk through style attraction, so it’s easy to be sucked in by the hype and cool advertisements for it. I fell for it and was disappointed, but I bet The Ghost Ship is immensely more exciting for a kid. Boardwalk rides are all geared toward kids, as they should be. But, years ago it seemed the attractions didn’t hold back. When I was a little kid, I went to Castle Dracula on the Wildwood Boardwalk every summer, which was an authentic Dark Ride, and in comparison to The Ghost Ship, it was crap your pants scary. They just don’t make ’em like they used to! Maybe The Ghost Ship would’ve been more effective if I watched The Triangle first.

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