A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
Here’s some pics I snapped at Macy’s of Darth, Yoda, Boba, Chewie, and a Stormtrooper sashaying around in the new Marc Ecko Star Wars clothing line. I could almost hear Vader talking to Boba Fett “You’re money baby! You’re money!” Sucks for Ecko and Macy’s, but I think more people would actually want to buy the masks rather than the clothes.
How many times have you heard the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce? I for one have heard it so many times that it makes me wonder why people get married in the first place. I take Gene Simmons stance on the subject, he remains “happily unmarried.” One of the most prominent reasons for rampant divorce is infidelity. Even the model husband is still not exempt from having his will power melted by some hot lingerie clad minx who’s bent on bedding him down.
Take the sexily milfish Joan (Ann Jillian) from Mr. Mom for instance. Her character was a divorcee whose main excitement consisted of grocery shopping, male revues, playing poker for coupons, and gossipping about daytime soaps. She didn’t fly into fiery jealous fits of rage and she never tried to make Jack’s wife Caroline’s life a living hell. She was slick and subtly made herself an accessible part of Jack’s life. Caroline wasn’t present that often in the household while she was pursuing her career, so Joan took advantage of a perfect opportunity to steal Jack’s affections away from her. She planned to be everything Caroline wasn’t. Unlike Caroline, Joan was enticed by Jack for who he was. She liked his beard, his old flannel shirt, and the fact that he gained a little bit of weight: “I like a man with a little meat on his bones.”
It wasn’t long before Jack had a dream involving Joan seducing him. We all know that’s the first step in realizing you want to bang someone. Let’s face it though, considering how thick she laid on the seduction sauce, it would’ve been pretty damn easy for Jack to fall into her clam trap. Alas, in the film Jack wakes up and the viewers can rest assured that it was only a dream. Don’t worry, our male-mom hero hasn’t cheated on his loyal wife. But has he?
The FBI agents here at The Sexy Armpit took a trip to the archives to view footage from the cutting room floor of Mr. Mom, and we found some interesting evidence. Actually, what we came across was more of a sex tape. Believe it or not folks, long before the days of Pam and Tommy, and Paris and Rick, Jack and Joan made a sex tape. Unfortunately, I do not have lawful clearance to show the footage to you, but I can clue those in who have an insatiable lust for the juicy tidbits: There was tons of anal.
Would you have been able to resist Ann Jillian knocking at your door, then opening her trench coat to reveal some sexy lingerie? Are you sure? She was ready to tend to Jack’s every want and need. I’m sure whatever fantasy he conjured up in his head she would’ve made it happen, after all, she was the original desperate housewife.
It wasn’t until recently when I made the connection and started gathering evidence to make my case. I realized that a few years later, in the 1989 film The ‘Burbs we have living, breathing proof of the Jack and Joan liaison in the headbanging neighbor, Ricky Butler. Ricky lived in Mayfield Place and relished in watching the hijinks his neighbors got themselves into. Just by his physical appearance I noticed the similarities Ricky had to Jack and Joan.
Like several Presidents before him, President Elect Barack Obama may choose a mattress from Shifman Mattress Co. in Newark N.J. According to this NJ.com article, their luxury mattresses range in price from $3,500 – $21,000. I find that amusing considering I’ve been sleeping on the same shitty Sleepy’s mattress for the last 7 years.
In The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke, it seems that Marisa Tomei plays a stripper. I’m a big fan of her recent renaissance as an on screen sexpot. Anytime Marisa Tomei is nude or partially nude is a good thing (see Until The Devil Knows Your Dead). I’ve pondered how incredible she looked under those clothes since I was a kid watching A Different World and now I wonder no more. How does this work into The Sexy Armpit you say? Some scenes in The Wrestler were filmed in New Jersey and a new Bruce Springsteen track is featured in the closing credits.
An elementary school in Vineland, N.J has received complaints from parents after finding out that a school aide, Louisa C. Tuck, is a former porn star who went by the name Crystal Gunns.
I must seriously question your midichlorian count if you aren’t a fan of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Although, surprisingly, the film and TV series have a large sand barge full of detractors. For some reason, many online folks have focused their feelings of disgust and hatred toward Anakin’s padawan, Ahsoka Tano. Actually, I can’t find anything about her character that I DON’T enjoy. She’s not annoying unlike some of the propaganda circulating on the Internet will tell you. Ahsoka proves to be a young, strong, female character who girls can look up to. When their friends or brothers are emulating Anakin or Obi-Wan, girls need a hero too! Thankfully, Ahsoka wasn’t given a stereotypical accent much like some of the other characters in the prequels (i.e Watto, Jar Jar, and Nute Gunray, to name a few). Ashley Eckstein flawlessly provides Ahsoka’s voice, but what if Ahsoka were to appear in the live action TV show? Who would be best for the role?
Silly me for trying to resist getting into the Christmas spirit so soon. Thanks to my brand spankin’ new copy of We Wish You A Metal Xmas and a Headbanging New Year, the Christmas spirit was just jammed through my ear canals with devil horns.
