A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
CM Punk once said: “…I have zero faith in Hulk Hogan as a man who’s what…60 years old and tries to dress like he’s 18 and he lives on the Jersey Shore…” While I can’t agree on the faith in the Hulkster part, I sort of agree that Hulk has been looking a little bit Jersey as of late. Or maybe some of us here in NJ have tried to look like him? The horde of Hulkamaniacs on line for Hulk Hogan Uncut at iPlay America in Freehold on August 2nd, 2014 were all donning their red and yellow while some wore black and white N.W.O t-shirts. Since today is the Hulkster’s birthday and there will be a bash for him on WWE Monday Night Raw tonight, let’s look back at the Hulk Hogan Uncut event I attended at iPlay last weekend.
Hulk was usually billed from Venice Beach, and later, Hollywood. California may have some beautiful weather and states like Hawaii and Colorado may have the happiest people in the country, but New Jersey has definitely got to be king of the quirk. If you believe what you see on TV, you probably think all we’re good for is fist pumping guidos at Jersey Shore clubs, but I’m here to tell you, it isn’t all like that. Where else can you run into perhaps the greatest professional wrestling icons of all time, go to a KISS and Def Leppard concert, and stroll around a Punk Rock Flea Market all in one weekend? Last weekend was surely a jam packed pop-culture filled experience and it all kicked off in huge way: a meet and greet with the immortal Hulk Hogan!
To me, nothing beats a weekend where I have absolutely nothing planned. It’s not that it makes me feel like the weekend is full of possibilities, it’s more that I know I can settle in for a couple of days of doing absolutely nothing and kicking ass at it. Many of us claim to be the best lazy f*ckers around, but daddy says I’m the best at it. That was my Vacation tribute.
Winning the championship of couch laying was not in the cards for me. I actually had stuff to do. I felt like it may have been too much, but it was fun stuff, so how I could I complain? It’s one thing if I had to go to some banquet hall and get dressed up for a family function, but it’s quite another that I was slated to go to a nearby cavernous indoor arcade to meet my childhood wrestling hero.
We made our way down Route 9 toward iPlay America in Freehold for Uncut with Hulk Hogan. The event included a Q&A session followed by a meet and greet for fans. I’d passed on two meet and greets with the Hulkster in previous years, but I felt like this was the one that I couldn’t miss. I already had tickets to see KISS later that night with Miss Sexy Armpit, so why not complicate the day even more and tack on another thing for us to do? Fortunately it was on the way down to Atlantic City and the timing worked out perfectly, so it was meant to be.
Accompanied by Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart, The Hulkster answered questions submitted by the fans and offered insight into some of his biggest career milestones. If you’re a fan and have seen WWE’s Hulk Hogan DVD collections, you’ve seen and heard much of the content here, but they did leak the fact that Hogan would appear on Raw in two weeks, which is tonight. That little spoiler was definitely an exclusive for us before it was officially announced by WWE.
The Hulkster was genuinely happy to meet with everyone. He flexed and smiled for photos with each fan and when it came time for The Sexy Armpit, I didn’t pull any punches, brother. First he said “Sweet shirt, brother!” in regards to my Thunderlips t-shirt from Barber Shop Window which is a parody of the classic Hulkamania t-shirt, but with the name of his Rocky III character in the same font. I blasted a “Thanks Hulk!” in reply, then I immediately asked him if we could do one of his iconic poses, one of my favorites from his ring celebrations at the conclusion of his matches. If Hulk said no, my second option would’ve been the Rip’Em hand gesture from No Holds Barred. Surprisingly I didn’t see anyone do that, where’s the love for NHB people?
I’m glad we took part in this event because Hulk was very cool. Often, meeting celebrities turns out to be a big letdown. After my very brief exchange with Hulk, I raked his back and then hightailed my ass out of there. I’m kidding of course, I raked his eyes.
This awesome experience all went down at iPlay America, which is a fantastic place for kids as well as adults. It’s basically an indoor amusement park with an arcade and an upscale Atlantic City casino atmosphere. If you’re in the ti-state area, it’s well worth it to pack the kids into the car and make the trip to Freehold, NJ.
I don’t even think the staff of iPlay had any idea of the onslaught of people that showed up to Hulk Hogan Uncut. I’ve read a few articles about this event floating around that basically referred to this as having “a nice little turnout.” That is a total understatement. I don’t have an accurate head count but a shit ton of people showed up to see Hulk and I’m almost positive that it was completely sold out. It’s not surprising either, considering all the exposure Hulk has been getting since returning to WWE TV this year.
In this case “…and today is his birthday” doesn’t refer to Jason Voorhees, but the Hulkster. Yes, today IS his birthday and Jimmy Hart’s spoiler that Hogan would be on Raw tonight was accurate, but what they didn’t mention is that there are rumors swirling of a possible N.W.O reunion tonight. Tune in tonight, brothers!
http://iplayamerica.com/
110 Schanck Rd.
Freehold, NJ 07728
Artist and New Jersey lover Scott Modrzynski of Mojo’s Work, has quite and interesting life story. You can check it out for yourself, but he’s got a ton of love and respect for New Jersey AND The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, two forces combined and strikingly illustrated in his TMNT/New Jersey art featured here. What a killer combo from Scott! He’s got so much more at his site with his NJ Badass series which are mash-ups of our state AND characters like Deadpool, Scooby Doo, Mario & Luigi, Superman, and Spiderman just to name a few! Now, onto my thoughts on the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, in theaters now.
Don’t call this a comeback. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been here for years and haven’t really ever gone away. Nickelodeon grabbing full rights to the property a few years ago has been a dream for fans. Since the latest cartoon series premiered, and now the new feature film is hitting theaters, we’re in the midst of Turtle fever all over again with new toys, special edition sodas and perhaps the most logical, pizza tie-ins.
Michael Bay has modified a few details of the Turtles here and there, most notably, the look of our beloved pizza devourin’, Foot Clan fightin’ Turtles. What scares me is that regardless of what true die-hard Turtles fans feel about this film, if it does big business at the box office, which, from a curiosity standpoint it’s basically guaranteed to, Bay’s alterations will probably stick around for the long run.
Very early on, well before critics actually saw this film, I was put off by promotional photos and rumors. Now that people are finally seeing it and tweeting such flat, lackluster feedback about the movie, I’m even less compelled to go to the theater to see it. I can wait for this one to hit Redbox. Meanwhile, I’ll watch my DVDs of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film from 1990 which remains one of the best movies of the superhero genre as well as The Secret of the Ooze which is still badass too!
I remember seeing the 1990 original in the theater as well as the sequel, and I enjoyed both films immensely. The only minor issue I had with the original was the casting of April O’Neil. From a performance standpoint I had no complaints about Judith Hoag, but I couldn’t help feeling that there was a more appropriate actress for the role.
At the time, the ’80s were still lingering around and a logical choice for April would’ve been an actress who starred in one of the quintessential kids movies from the ’80s. I always felt that Jersey’s own, Kerri Green, who played Andi in The Goonies, would’ve been an awesome April O’Neil. If anything, she would’ve embodied the cartoon April perfectly. Think about it. This leads me to the hotly debated issue of Megan Fox. Stunt casting at its best.
Having Angelina Jolie shoved down our throats for so many years was always a similar topic of discussion for me. I was never so crazy-obsessed with Jolie from a physical standpoint nor was I ever seduced by any of her films. Conversely, Megan Fox is super hot and it’s a near fact that her acting ability is not on par with other actresses of her age range, but admiring her (not her wacky thumbs) might be the lone reason for me eventually giving Ninja Turtles a watch.
Admittedly, I was even a fan of TVs The Next Mutation when it first aired, mainly because it was cool to see a live action offshoot of the TMNT movies, no matter how Power Rangers-esque it was. Judging by what I’ve seen and heard about the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, I might just be better off watching my bootlegs of The Next Mutation this weekend!
Head over to our friend The Sewer Den to read his expert opinion on the 2014 Ninja Turtles film:
http://www.thesewerden.com/2014/08/tmnt-2014-movie-review.html
The PRFM takes place inside the nationally registered historic Roebling Machine Shop, which was built in 1890 and is dusty, sort of decrepit, and chock full of charm. There’s no better place for this type of event, unless there’s another available historic machine shop in New Jersey that’s twice the size and offers air conditioning. Doubt it. It was quite steamy in this place, and the incredible turnout of people only made it feel warmer. I felt like Janosz Poha in Ghosbusters 2, only I was drippingz with sweat, not goo, but judging by the photo below, you can see why we toughed it out.
Attracting a ton of people into Trenton who may not normally venture into the city, the PRFM has become a hotbed for people to buy and sell STUFF. I had a blast just gazing around at aisles upon aisles of it all… the stuff that is. As enticing as it was, and with Monster Mania coming up in matter of weeks, I promised myself I would keep my purchases to a minimum. Thankfully, I stuck to my guns.
Out of all the old records, posters, jewelry, comics, and toys, the only thing my eyes locked onto was a small Dracula figure. I was mesmerized by it for a few seconds, but instead of being overzealous, I waited on it because I had no idea what I’d find at the rest of the tables. What if I blew my minimal amount of cash on this small Dracula figure and then had nothing left if I ran into the Holy Grail item to end all Punk Rock Flea Markets?
It was right around this moment that I actually stopped in my tracks as I noticed one table full of glow in the dark canvases of horror art. What really got me was the homemade Halloween 3 TV setup behind their table! Talk about eye candy! My eyes were salivating over all these amazing pieces that were based on everything I like including Joker, Orko, Skeletor, Frankenstein, Fright Night, Dark Helmet, Jack Torrance, The Misfits, and Cobra. Every character and movie I’ve ever liked was here at this table and it was INSANE. Who is this mysterious incandescent artist you ask? His name is Bob Burke and he’s without question one of the coolest artists I’ve ever met.
I couldn’t leave without this beautiful Halloween 3 piece. It will be perfect hanging in my place just in time for Halloween and beyond! Check out Bob Burke’s Facebook page and give him a LIKE! and Follow him on Instagram http://instagram.com/bobburkeart
Without forgetting my little vampire figurine from earlier, I kept him in the back of my mind as we made our way to the rest of the vendor tables. Miss Sexy Armpit picked up an NJ tank top from True Jersey, and she also got me the Jersey Batman T-shirt that I’ve had my eye on for a long time. Thanks to Miss Sexy Armpit for adding to my massive t-shirt collection! I’ll get a lot of wear out of it that’s for sure. True Jersey is a shop that I usually just hand my bank account number over to every time I see them at an event like this. When I pass their setup at Monster Mania I’ll have to put my head down and move along or else I’ll go bankrupt!
At this point we were getting a little antsy from the heat and we needed some food. Headed toward the front, I navigated over to the vendor that had the little old vampire guy. He was still there waiting for me. I inspected him further and noticed he was dusty, and far from mint condition. I also saw that he had a button and a battery compartment in the bottom, but he wasn’t working. “How much for this?” I asked the young girl behind the table. “I’m asking $10.” Seemed a bit steep of a price for a small figure with dead batteries that was in shabby condition, yet I had exactly $10 dollars left. Typically, I would’ve asked to go a little bit lower, and the girl even offered to go lower, but with two fives in my hand, I just felt it was meant to be. I exchanged the cash for the Drac and we swiftly made our way toward the exit.
Just before leaving, I ran into Robert Bruce who you may know from AMC’s Comic Book Men. I busted his chops because he still has my heli-pad from my Kenner Hall of Justice that I got from him a while back. While bullshitting, he gave me the inside scoop that, the week before, Comic Book Men had been filming a show guest starring KISS when they were in the area playing a show at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ. Shh…exclusive info for the 4th season!
There were about 5 or 6 different food trucks and the lines for each one were pretty intense. We got tired of waiting, and it was hot and humid out, so Miss Sexy Armpit suggested we try this little restaurant adjacent to the machine shop. Our impatient asses walked a few steps over to Mario’s Bar & Grill. Despite missing out on the food truck cuisine, we went home happy and with full stomachs.
There were some Mexican entrees featured in the menu, and although I didn’t see them listed I asked the waitress if they had empanadas. She said they aren’t on the menu, but they could certainly make them for me. So the secret super special unlisted empanadas were a GO! They were delicious and the entire bill for the both of us cost less than $20 dollars.
Immediately after getting back home I had to consult with eBay and a Google image search to find out more about this unusually creepy looking Dracula figure. Most likely, there are many toy crazed maniacs out there who recognized this guy in .2 milliseconds, but I hadn’t the slightest clue what line he was from. The girl who sold it to me mentioned it was a Monster in My Pocket, but I thought that was odd because all I remembered about that line was that the figures were all M.U.S.C.L.E sized and each one was painted a different bright color. This guy was more detailed and had a different look than the Monster in My Pockets that I recall, and those crazy sinister eyes!
My reservations about her accuracy were debunked as soon as the Google Image search results returned (Approximately 0.41 seconds, in case you’re keeping track). He wasn’t Dracula technically, he was simply “Vampire,” and was indeed part of a 1992 offshoot series of Monster in My Pocket called Super Scary Howlers. This series of 4 figures featured Vampire, Wolfman, Swamp Beast, and Monster, each with eerie light up eyes and scary monstrous sounds!
Of course, I wish I had the packaging, but even if I did buy it Mint on Card, I probably would’ve taken it out, no matter how sacrilegious that sounds.
No idea how I missed this one when it was out, but according to at least a couple of sites that I perused, this line has become pretty rare, and a working set is even harder to come by. Presently, there’s a Mint on Card Vampire going for $44 dollars on eBay, which is obviously much more than what I spent on this loose version. Even better, a loose complete set of 4 is selling for $175 U.S dollars on eBay. That said, I’m already looking into financing my Master’s Degree in Ufology based solely off of what I make from selling this guy. Shit, I’m totally not serious about selling him. Way serious about the Ufology though.
This was an unexpectedly cool pickup! If you were wondering, I placed an order for LR batteries on Amazon so I can check to see if this baby works. If it does, he will be my official buddy for the 2014 Halloween season. Keep you posted on Twitter: @sexyarmpit.
Let’s break it down in case there’s a pop quiz. I brought home a glowing piece of Halloween 3 art from my favorite shot in the film, a Batman style Jersey t-shirt, got the inside scoop on an upcoming Comic Book Men episode, and have added a 22-year old light up Vampire figure to my collection. As you can see, the Trenton Punk Rock Flea Market was an overwhelming success, and if you can get there, I totally recommend going to the next one!
Shark Week is coming. Matter of fact, a friggin’ Sharknado is scheduled to touch down tonight, on SyFy Channel. Luckily, this time it’s New York City that will be infiltrated by sharks, but rewind only a couple of summers and it was the Jersey Shore that was overrun by sharks in glorious Sy-Fy style. It was blood spattered, B-Movie bliss!
Preppy rich folk are trying to build a beach club spa and undersea drilling from the project winds up attracting a very rare species of CGI albino bull sharks, the natural non-tanned well known enemy of the shore faring orange gorilla guido. A Jersey Shore Shark Attack of epic proportions ensues.
While MTV’s Jersey Shore is a distant memory to many of us, clearly its impact still lingers. Jersey Shore was in its final season when Jersey Shore Shark Attack aired on SyFy Channel in the summer of 2012. Similar in spirit to 2010’s Piranha 3-D, another film with Jersey connections, JSSA garnered a better than expected 3 out of 10 stars on IMDB and 25% liked it on Rotten Tomatoes.
The title is a bit misleading because the movie has nothing to do with the actual shark attacks that happened along the Jersey Shore in 1916. If it bums you out and you were geared up for some historical progressive era carnage, you are S.O.L. there, but you’re in luck here because I’ve compiled 10 things I love about this movie. Here we go!
10. No actors from New Jersey appear in this production. This is not surprising. The closest we get is Staten Island’s Jeremy Luke who plays “The Complication” and sort of looks like a white Tracy Morgan. Staten Island is so close to New Jersey that it’s apparent why he was also cast in other Jersey related films like Don Jon and Jersey Boys. This guy is likable on screen and he’s definitely going to become a familiar face. You’ll enjoy his performance more than watching the real Situation.
9. Guy fishing in a canoe smoking a cigar catches a…New Jersey Turnpike sign. This sign is so iconic to me that it’s been part of my site logo for nearly 10 years. That wasn’t the only surprise this guy got, he caught the severed head of a guidette! Pulling body parts out of the water in Jersey is a weekly occurrence here, they aren’t embellishing.
8. Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) plays boardwalk Tiki bar proprietor, Captain Sallie. Although he was born in Brooklyn, Sirico will always be associated with New Jersey thanks to The Sopranos.
7. WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. With Super Soakers.
6. The Warriors reference. “Preppies come out and pla–ay!” The Preppies think the Guidos are trash but they both have to grudgingly team up in this film. Ugh, how excruciating.
5. Jack Scalia rules. He’s like a Shakespearean actor. Who needs Anthony Hopkins when we have friggin’ J.Scal? My mom had one of those hunky pictures of him on our fridge in the ’80s so there’s that. Oh, and there was also one on the inside of our coffee mug cabinet.
4. Luring sharks with Protein bars, they might be onto something.
3. Italian Stereotypes to the MAX er, um the MASSIMO! Bocce Ball! Grappa! Sopressata! Surprisingly, I don’t think there was one mention of a cannoli.
2. ATHERTON! The brilliant William Atherton will help you’ll get a feel for the other side of the Jersey shore, the one that that you don’t often see depicted on TV – the yuppie rich folks who own yachts and mansions right on the beach. They wear boat shoes. You know them. Guidos don’t seem so annoying in comparison right? Atherton is the big pretentious a-hole from that crew, similar to Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. This time, instead of turning off the protection grid like Walter Peck in Ghostbusters, he’s activating undersea drills that attract killer sharks in order to build his beach club.
1. Thank you Captain Obvious! This movie over-explains everything and I love every utterance. After a shark launched into the air and swallowed N’Sync’s “legendary” Joey Fatone whole, the actual Vinny from Jersey Shore yells “Joey Fatone just got eaten by a shark!” Or, how about the classic “Help me my foot is stuck,” when Nooki’s (knockoff Snooki) foot was stuck. Riveting! In the end, there’s even a celebratory fist pumping “Guido” chant to remind viewers that these guys are supposed to be guidos.
Hulk Hogan UNCUT is a special event coming to iPlay America in Freehold on Saturday, August 2nd, 2014.
New Jersey has had it’s share of Hulk Hogan moments, but this one will give fans a rare opportunity to be a part of a Q&A with the Hulkster as well as a meet and greet. I would’ve found out about this one too late if it weren’t for my sister shooting me a text about it. So, thanks to the Sexy Armpit’s sister, BROTHER! See what I did there?
For a guy who grew up a little Hulkamaniac, I’m pretty pumped to be a part of this intimate event with one of the greatest and most charismatic professional wrestlers of all time, WWE Hall of Famer, Hulk Hogan.
I checked iPlay America out back in the fall with Dinosaur Dracula and although we only had the chance to play a few games, this place is like an Atlantic City casino, minus the actual gambling and cigarette smoke. There’s video games, rides, food and live events all within such a cool atmosphere. In the few years it’s been open, iPlay has quickly become a destination for concerts, comedy, UFC events, and other celebrity appearances.
General admission tickets for HH Uncut as well as two different tiers of VIP tickets are available now at the following link: http://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/617157?utm_medium=bks
Go here for the iPlay America Hulk Hogan UNCUT event page
iPlay America Event Center
110 Schanck Road
Freehold, NJ
*What makes this show different? A lottery will take place throughout the night to determine the lineup of bands taking the stage! That’s some exciting shit right there! Who’s on first? I’m on the edge of my seat already! This approach adds an element of intrigue that you won’t get at any other concert!
This summer, why waste your time taking your significant other to the boardwalk to play a silly wheel game just to win a giant box of gum that’ll just lose its flavor in under a minute? Take your shot at winning tickets to Barnstorming the Bowery – right here…NOW!
All you have to do is correctly match each band to their song! It’s that simple. Send your answers to sexyarmpit@comcast.net and include your full name and the subject BOWERY. All correct answers will be pooled and a winner will be chosen at random. Winner will be notified by e-mail. Contest ends on 8/1 so get those answers in!
August 21, 2014
Doors open at 7PM, show starts at 8PM
The Bowery Ballroom
6 Delancy St.
New York, NY
If the wrestling news and rumor sites are accurate, it’s been reported that CM Punk is now officially a “former WWE Superstar.” I still have a slight amount of hope that it’s all part of storyline though. Whether Punk ever returns to the ring or not, he still deserves a vacation. His woman, WWE Diva AJ Lee, begged him to go to Wildwood this summer, and becoming a softy in his old age, Punk gave in. Ordinarily he wouldn’t be caught dead in Jersey, but the irony is that he WAS almost caught dead there. Watch the Sexy Armpit news brief above for all the details on this near fatal occurrence. Later in the news brief is a video montage of The Sexy Armpit and Dinosaur Dracula’s trip to the Wildwood boardwalk! Music by The Brigantines. See them live playing shows this summer! Listen to a Free track at their official site: www.thebrigantines.com
Upon his debut in 2013, NXT Superstar, “The Certified G” Enzo Amore, made a big impression on me not only because he exploits his Jerseyness, but also because he’s a natural showman. He’s so savvy on the mic that he sounds like he’s been in the business longer than a lot of the guys on the main WWE roster. After recovering from a broken leg, Amore returned to the NXT ring in late June 2014.
At first, it’s easy to think that he’s simply a caricature of an obnoxious jersey shore loudmouth, but Amore does it with a lot more style and pizzazz. His knack for comedy, gift of gab, and on-screen antics lead to many amusing bits with his friend and tag team partner Colin Cassady. Referring to themselves as the realest guys in the room, this duo makes me laugh and they’ve definitely won over the NXT crowd as well.
Amore a.k.a Eric Arndt, was born in Hackensack and attended Waldwick High School while Cassady hails from Queens, New York. These guys have known each other since high school and it translates to their presence on NXT. Their impact on the NXT universe has warranted their first official t-shirt which is a sure sign that Amore and Cassady have already scored a pretty decent degree of success in the wrestling business.
Although, one thing makes me scratch my head a bit about this tee. Since I do own this shirt, as a fan I’ll be wearing it and essentially calling myself SAWFT. That’s a derogatory term that Amore often calls his opponents. I’m going to stop questioning it and just be thankful that Amore and his shtick is making it in the business. Forget headed for the main roster, that’s a no-brainer, this guy could eventually become a WWE legend.
Straight from the WWE Shop Zone T-shirt description:
Dubbing himself “Jersey’s finest,” Enzo Amore reps the Garden State “like 225 on a barbell, 10 pounds of hair gel, steadily working on his swell.” The realest guy in the room everywhere he goes, Enzo Amore is a straight shooter. He speaks his mind at all times and at an incredible rate.
Enzo Amore’s official WWE.com Bio:
