It’s a Marshmallow World in my Kitchen!

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I had myself a Christmas candy bonanza. As if I don’t eat enough junk during the holidays, there was still more to be consumed and reviewed. Unlike Easter, Christmas isn’t known for it’s superb candy as much as it is cookies, but there are a few items worth inhaling. Read on as I make a marshmallow world of my kitchen.

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I kicked off this holiday taste test with the Russell Stover’s Maple Cream Santa since it was the most enticing to me. I can’t remember if I’ve ever actually had this flavor before, but after one bite I was immediately seduced by it’s heavenly consistency and luscious flavor. If you dig maple flavor anything, then mark my words, you will fall in love with this. If you missed out on Russell Stover Christmas candy, then make sure get one of these suckers next year.

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At first glance, this basic run of the mill Russell Stover marshmallow Santa Claus might seem like “schwag,” (underworld marshmallow slang term for low grade marshamallow) but as always it was completely satisfying. The marshamallow center was moist and more like a whipped marshmallow, not that odd styrofoam type marshmallow like in mallomars or moon pies. This was like eating chocoate with fluff in the center. What’s most apparent is that this basic version is the only one that features an actual mold of Santa Claus, and in comparison to the other pear shaped shit nuggets, this one is actually fairly accurate.

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The strawberry cream version was next on the agenda. If you’re a fan of strawberry flavor then this will exceed your expectations. The pink filling is moist and the strawberry flavor doesn’t taste too artificial, but it’s still very sweet of course. Russell Stover seems to have the Christmas candy title all locked up. I’m looking also forward to trying these in dark chocolate, which is my preference, as well as their varieties of mint chocolates.

Reindeer Marshmallow

In a fierce contrast to the aforementioned Russell Stovers chocolates, Melster’s Cherry Cordial marshmallow reindeer was an gigantic fail. I’ve read a few other reviews of Melster marshmallow candy and they haven’t been favorable either. What are you trying to pull here Melster? This is an outrage. The mold is terrible, it looks like a siamese cat instead of a reindeer! The cherry flavor goes overboard on sweetness, and the marshmallow is way too fluffy and lacking the creaminess of Russell Stovers. You better step up your game Melster or the elves will stage an intervention!

Spirits Are Bright in South Plainfield, NJ

South Plainfield
…you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” 
– Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
South Plainfield
I wonder if the folks over on Ritter Ave in South Plainfield, NJ had some Clark Griswold type inspiration or if they have just accumulated so many lawn decorations over the years that they said “f-ck it”and set them all up on the lawn? Judging by how much work was put into this Christmas display, I’d say these people are pretty damn inspired. The rays of yuletide cheer emanate from this front yard and the snow makes it look even more festive. Take a look at a few pictures I snapped with my iPhone. Look out for the giant size Grinch and Santa Claus blow-ups, and on the doorstep stands animatronic Mr. and Mrs. Claus figures who sing, talk, and dance.

Recently, I came across one of the most amazing websites that has conjured up so many memories from my childhood. Blowmoldsrus.webs.com features a history of illuminated blow mold Christmas decorations as well as a ton of amazing photos. To say that “everyone had these figures” is an understatement, especially because people are still putting out the same lighted Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman figures that that have been putting out for the last 20 – 30 years. Ride around your neighborhood and I bet you’ll find at least a couple of houses with lawn decorations that are pictured over at Blow Molds R Us. According to the sites disclaimer, these figures aren’t made anymore and it’s a shame because they are probably considered antiques at this point. Man, I feel old!

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South Plainfield
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What Will Santa Bring the Nets?

nj nets,new jersey,nba
“Ho, Ho, Ho, this isn’t the ABA muthaf-ckas!” 
said Santa Claus when asked about the dismal NJ Nets

That jolly old elf sure as hell ain’t bringing them many more wins, that’s for sure. I’m about to become an official Nets fan just out of pity. With 2 wins and 26 losses so far this season, the Nets are so unpopular at this point and when things become unpopular, that’s when I pounce, what can I say? When only a quarter of the Izod Center is filled for games, maybe it’s high time that I stand up and become a proud New Jersey Nets fan? I’m a glutton for punishment so I’m a perfect candidate to enter into this no-win situation. Think of it this way, there are fine folks out there who adopt children who have been deserted by their parents, and I’d be adopting a team whose fans deserted them! It looks like the only way that the New Jersey Nets won’t get coal in their stockings this year is if they get their act together and start playing like a full fledged professional basketball team.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday Vol.32: Fist and/or Gas Pumping

guidos,t-shirt
“We Don’t Pump Our Gas, We Pump Our Fists” & “Jersey Girls Don’t Pump Gas”
available at www.BurnTees.com
The theme today on NJ T-Shirt Tuesday is Gas. Not the sort that flatulates out of your bowels, but the kind that seems to fluctuate in price all the time. Coincidentally, New Jersey and Oregon are the only states that prohibit pumping your own gas and I’m fine with that. I couldn’t imagine getting out of my car and having to pump my own gas when it’s 15 degrees below zero with the wind chill. Call me spoiled, but the only way I’d be OK with doing such a maniacal thing is if I lived in a warm state. Then when it reaches 96 degrees in the summer and I’m freshly showered ready to head off to some swank restaurant like T.G.I Friday’s, I don’t want to present myself to the hostess beading with sweat. No antiperspirant can contain The Sexy Armpit. So, what do you think? Are you jealous that we don’t even have to leave the confines of our car and attendants are required to pump our gas for us? Or do you feel that NJ and Oregon have a good thing going and all the states should adopt the law? How many people think all states should outlaw guido fist pumping?

These Sandwiches are INSANE!!!

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Just when you thought you saw it all on Thisiswhyyourefat.com, it’s gotten even more extreme on Insanewiches.com. Thanks to @PaxtonHolley from the awesome nostalgia and pop culture blog Cavalcade of Awesome for finding this one. If you haven’t paid him a visit yet, now is a fine time to do so because he’s got a snow machine pumping on his blog! That’s so frigging cool. Can I get a fog machine for The Sexy Armpit? Hmm, that’s my mission in 2010. A Fogmaster 5000 for The Sexy Armpit and I’ll need to find out who the hell actually ate the Insanewich pictured above! Hopefully they have not gone into cardiac arrest just yet.

NJ Necklace Makes You an Official Guido!

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The people who write the item descriptions over at Catbird obviously aced their sarcasm exam. Thanks to the mighty Robeast Rollie from Beauty and the Robeast for finding this gold New Jersey charm necklace when doing some online shopping recently. Here’s the mildly humorous description from the Catbirdnyc.com website:

“New Jersey! Wear it with PRIDE! So tiny, and shiny – lends an unexpected refinement to what is not generally known as the home of refined ladies.”

 

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 28: Dennis Miller on WWE Raw


WWE Monday Night Raw has taken a nose dive ever since they started with this special guest host garbage. Grabbing low tier celebs in attempts to surge ratings is a piss poor stunt. Whatever happened to improving storylines, actually training talent instead of just throwing them on TV, and instead of bragging about being the “longest running weekly episodic television show in history,” a factoid they announce ad nauseum, why not prove it on the show? Monday Night Raw used to have literally epic stuff happening. When WWF was ailing in the mid ’90s, before Stone Cold and The Rock brought a big boom back to the wrestling biz, WWF Monday Night Raw was revolutionary wrestling programming. The last few years Raw has plummeted and last Monday’s episode did not help to raise the bar.

You too can be guest host of Monday Night Raw, but only if you have something to promote. Dennis Miller was promoting USA Cares, the non profit group that provides financial assistance to military families, which he’s the spokesperson for. From a programming standpoint, there was no better time to feature Miller on the show since WWE’s Tribute to the Troops airs this week. Also, many viewers watching may be more apt to donate money during the holidays. While I’m on the subject of things unrelated to wrestling, Dennis Miller’s weak shtick was chock full of random, forced pop references. Name dropping Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, and MTV’s Jersey Shore all in the same joke was kind of a stretch. Half of the fans in the arena in Corpus Christi, Texas that night weren’t even alive when Hole was popular. Now Jersey Shore on the other hand really grabs people.

Miller also made another reference to New Jersey as he sent a dig to Mr. McMahon. Miller said “Vince will be at The Chuckle House this Friday, Route 67 in Paramus New Jersey.” The best thing about New Jersey is that no matter whether it’s Saturday Night Live or WWE Raw, New Jersey almost always provides a winning punchline. I don’t care if we are the brunt of all the jokes because it provides me with more fodder.

If you Google “The Chuckle House Paramus New Jersey,” you won’t find any info on a comedy club in New Jersey. As much the NJ connoisseur that I am, I could not find any info on The Chuckle House. This may have been a comedy club back in the day, or it still operates with absolutely no web presence whatsoever, which is unheard of. Of course, there’s the other possibility that Miller just made this joint up out of thin air. Although, in case you were wondering, Route 67 is a real road in NJ.

Instead of being relevant to the wrestling industry, the guest hosts have been B-list celebs and people who aren’t even connected with the Raw audience. Wouldn’t logic dictate that they should feature WWE HOF wrestlers, managers, valets, and former commentators as guest hosts? I can understand if a celebrity plays into a storyline, but asking a guest host to be on the show just for the hell of it or to get onto more headlines on the Internet is a good ploy, but really f-cking stupid. Since Miller has veered toward politics rather than making people laugh, he seems like an odd choice for guest host. I’m happy they teased the upcoming appearance of Bret “The Hitman” Hart hosting Raw since he’s an icon in the business. That leaves me with only one question: Where the f-ck is Craig DeGeorge?!?!?! Now he’s my choice for guest host!

Imaginext: Jersey Devil?

Imaginext Fuzzy Dragon

While strolling through the toy aisles at the local Wal-Mart, I came across this Imaginext toy which bared a striking resemblance to a certain cryptid from NJ. I couldn’t decide whether Imaginext’s Fuzzy Dragon was inspired by The Jersey Devil or a reject puppet from Eureeka’s Castle.

Imaginext Fuzzy Dragon

The Fisher-Price brand, Imaginext, has done a superb job with their toy line. If I was a kid right now, I’d have their DC Super Heroes, Pirates, and Space toys all on my Christmas wish list. After a full examination of Fuzzy, I snapped some pics with the iPhone and then headed home to continue my investigation. My research lead me to the official Imaginext website where I discovered there was yet another dragon that resembled The Jersey Devil! In fact, they offer an entire line of Dragons!

Here’s the Six-legged Dragon:

6 legged Dragon

Sure, Fuzzy and Six-legs can be construed as run of the mill dragons, but with a minor stretch of the imagination, these two dragons can easily qualify as Jersey Devils. Clearly, Fisher-Price did not want to tarnish their awesome toy line with an association to New Jersey.