NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 31: Apparently, We Go Hard

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I cannot tell a lie. I stole this pic off a friends Facebook page. This is a total violation of privacy and a downright shitty thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know how I could possibly face this person after I pulled such an irreverent stunt like this. But, when Tuesday rolls around and there’s t-shirts that need posting, then drastic measures have to be taken. How much of a jerkoff am I? T H I S M U C H! I don’t care though, because according to the tee in the pic above, here in Jersey, we go hard. Dammit, that is such a lame saying, but I guess it’s better than going soft!  (face was sludged to protect the innocent)

Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town!

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Can you hear the bells jingling? I sure can. I also hear The Boss singing those iconic lyrics “You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry, you’d better not pout I’m tellin’ you why…Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town…Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town…Schlatter Claus is Comiiin’ toooo town.”

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During the Christmas season there’s plenty of jaded kids all around the world who are questioning the existence of Schlatter Claus. After the short lived Ferris Bueller TV series left a bad taste in people’s mouths, Schlatter Claus went into hiding. I really don’t know why he was so ashamed of himself, I thought the show was pretty damn good. I remember watching it and that’s where I first saw Jennifer Aniston. When Friends became mega popular I used to say, “Hey isn’t that Jeannie Bueller?” But, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Jennifer Aniston is more popular than Charlie Schlatter because that would be completely untrue. OK, so Jennifer Aniston makes it onto the front cover of People magazine, big deal. Literally billions of kids around the world write letters and fan mail to Schlatter Claus every year, so I’d say Schlatter Claus wins that one hands down. I also had a huge crush on Ami Dolenz at the time, but I should stay focused or I’ll go on a tangent about how funny it would be to have a Monkee for a dad. Alas, I’m here to tell you that Schlatter Claus is 100% f-cking real, and he actually IS coming to town! Well, only if you have a DVD player or Netflix that is.

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My man Schlatter Claus was born in Fairlawn, NJ (Englewood, NJ in IMDB), but he’s not just stopping in Jersey to drop off gifts, he’s making sure he visits all of your homes this Christmas. You don’t even have to rely on him coming only ONE day a year because he’s starred in a enough memorable ’80s TV shows and movies to entertain you, not only during Christmas time, but all year long. His film credits include Bright Lights, Big City, 18 Again (step aside Zack Efron!), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, The Delinquents, and even Miss Cast Away featuring a cameo by Michael Jackson. Schlatter went on to concentrate on doing voice work in animated shows such as playing The Flash in The Batman and Superman:The Animated Series as well as various other characters in cartoons such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Captain Planet & the Planeteers, Kim Possible, Bratz, Butt Ugly Martians, and Loonatics Unleashed. Schlatter Claus also voiced characters in a slew of video games like Spiderman 3, Metal Gear Solid 3, Everquest 2, and Punisher. Remember kids, Schlatter Claus will only come to visit your house if you’ve been good girls and boys, so you better be good for goodness sake, and that means NOT insulting the Ferris Bueller TV show!

The Beat The Meat Gift Basket Went Over BIG!

My man Matt f’n Porter had the same idea as I did. He left a comment telling me to shoot some video of whoever opens the gift basket, and I was one step ahead of him! I remembered not to leave without my camera! (If you didn’t read the previous post, now is a good time.) I was very close to coming home with the latest Rihanna CD, but luckily, someone stole them from me when it was their turn. I applauded the guy who wanted to take them off my hands. Yeah, seriously…it was a guy. It was time for me to open another gift and so I took home a bunch of scratch off lotto tickets that scored me $13 dollars, so that wasn’t a bad deal. Now check out how the BTM gift basket went over:

*The Sexy Armpit’s Twitter account background has been redesigned. It’s not a major overhaul or anything, but if you are a perceptive one then you will notice it’s new and improved sheen.
*There will be several more posts coming to you from The Sexy Armpit before Christmas so come back again this week!

Someone Will Get This Tonight…

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Is this classy, or what? This is how we do it in Jersey.

I’m basically a hermit, so asking me to go to your gift swapping party is almost like asking me to venture into the massive crowd in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I wouldn’t say I have a case of social anxiety, but I’m definitely the polar opposite of Randal Graves in Clerks, who hates people but loves gatherings.
What you see above is The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket, and one unsuspecting guest will tear open a ghetto looking package wrapped in A Christmas Story paper, only to see that this is their gift. I’m seriously hoping some random middle aged woman with a reindeer sweater winds up being the recipient of this, the ultimate gift basket.
The BTM gift basket’s versatility proves to be the mark of just how amazing this gift really is. If a dude is lucky enough to pick the number and rip into this one, he’ll most likely be ecstatic. If a chick opens this, she’ll most likely say “Oh my gawd…I’ve been meaning to buy a meat tenduhryza!” (That’s apparently how we talk here in Jersey) and be genuinely excited to have another kitchen utensil to add to their collection. But then there’s other girls who will nonchalantly mumble a raunchy comment about how they could take the entire summer sausage with no problems, and then, naturally, saying “I’m just kidding!…” but they aren’t. If an older woman gets the basket, they’ll most likely be fairly disgusted at how smutty of an idea this was and whoever came up with it should burn in hell, even in this time of joy and peace. Ahh well, they’ll make the sign of the cross and then it’ll be done with, all the while remembering fondly their college days when they were able to take 2 of those summer sausages with ease. If an older guy gets the BTM gift basket, without hesitation, he’ll be making his way to the DVD player as soon as the other people start concentrating on the next person opening their gift. After that, he’s in the bathroom doing himself dirty. Finally, I just hope there’s no kids opening presents tonight, but their parents have probably been meaning to give them “the talk,” and they’ll be seeing it sooner or later anyway.
So, if you go to any gift swapping parties this year, remember to give the gift of meat and breasts this holiday season with The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket.

Randy “The Ram” Robinson, Caricature by Kirsten Ulve

“Fresh as monkey’s breath, brother!” – Randy “The Ram” Robinson

If you have watched HBO in the past few weeks, you probably witnessed about 962 airings of The Wrestler. I’m not complaining at all since the 2008 drama is one of my favorite films ever. Not only is it a Jersey film, but it’s also one of Mickey Rourke’s grandest achievements as an actor.

Posted above is artist Kirsten Ulve’s caricature of Randy “The Ram” Robinson in his ring attire which was printed in the November 8th ’08 issue of Entertainment Weekly. If you would like to check out some awe inspiring art, make a stop at Kirsten Ulve’s website. There you’ll find galleries of her illustrations and caricatures, all of which define the term eye candy. www.kirstenulve.com

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 30: House

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Yet another TV series set in New Jersey is the medical drama, House, starring Hugh Laurie. We can thank producer and former West Windsor, NJ resident, Bryan Singer, for its Princeton, NJ setting. Singer, the producer and director responsible for such films as The Usual Suspects, X-Men, and Superman Returns, graduated from West Windsor-Plainsboro High School South in 1984. IMDB reports that some of his future film projects include Battlestar Galactica and Excalibur.
This Princeton-Plansboro Teaching Hospital T-shirt is a must have for fans of the series. Although the series is filmed in Los Angeles, CA, Princeton University’s Frist Campus Center has been used for the external shots and aerial views of the show’s fictional teaching hospital. This tee can be found at the NBC Universal store.
In addition to the aerial shots in Princeton, Wikipedia states that scenes set in the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital in Season 6 of House, were filmed at the abandoned Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital in Parsipanny-Troy Hills, NJ.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 27: Anger Management

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Jack Nicholson should never retire from acting. In the case that he does feel like hanging up that devilish, 10 mile wide smile of his and quit the acting biz, then I’d absolutely love for him to begin offering anger management therapy for all of us enraged, pent up, people from Jersey. I could deal without stopping my car in the middle of a bridge and singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story, but perhaps since Jack’s a fellow Jersey guy, he’d be able to offer me some insight. The deep breath and count to 10 thing just ain’t cuttin’ it. I’ll settle for just watching the DVD of Anger Management, which proves to be an amusing distraction, albeit, one that can only momentarily remedy my agitation.

Premiering to mixed reviews, I feel that Anger Management succeeds thanks to its fine cast including Sandler, Nicholson, the ever sexy Marisa Tomei, Woody Harrelson, Kevin Nealon, John Turturro, Luis Guzman and a host of awesome cameos. To top it off, they even managed to throw in a reference to New Jersey! In this scene, Andrew (Allen Covert), a well endowed douchebag who’s crazy about Marisa Tomei, is enjoying a drink with her as Dave (Sandler) walks into the bar:
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DAVE: “…Not that crowded here tonight, you would think it would be packed.”
ANDREW: “Actually, I rented the place out. I just figured it would be more fun if it was just us Brown alumni. Where did you go to college again, Dave?”
DAVE:Trenton Community College.”
While there are several colleges in Trenton, such as Mercer County Community College and Thomas Edison State College, there is no actual school named Trenton Community College. Before changing its name to The College of New Jersey and moving to Ewing, NJ, it was named Trenton State College.
I identified with this film, because all Dave (Sandler) needed to do to avoid getting wrapped up in anger therapy was know how to keep his mouth shut. To the surprise of no one, that is something that Jersey people have an insanely hard time doing. Growing up, all I heard from teachers, and on TV was that we need to “express ourselves,” and “speak our minds,” because after all, “you are entitled to your opinion!” Then the minute we open our mouths to do that we’re automatically accused of being rabble-rousers. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t take an anger management class if Jack Nicholson was teaching it in full Joker makeup and costume. Well, that’s a blatant lie and a total exaggeration. But not having some sort of edge or chip on your shoulder sort of seems like you might as well be spayed or neutered.
Nicholson grew up in Neptune City, NJ and attended Manasquan High School so it would be a fine way to give back to the community. I could see Jack now in his slyest demeanor…
JACK: “Does anyone have any questions about today’s lesson?”
STUDENT: “Yeah I do…what about that time you were on a murderous bloodthirsty rampage holding an axe and trying to kill the innocent Shelly Duvall? You seemed really fucking incensed! What was that all about?”
JACK: “Acting my good man…merely some fine acting. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 29: Richie Sambora – You Can Go Home

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Jon Bon Jovi is a philanthropy snob. Obviously, there are worse things one can be, like perhaps the lead singer of a New Jersey rock band who now sounds like he’s a cowboy from Tennessee. How do you think the laid back, good time guitarist Richie Sambora feels every time Jon Bon Jovi donates $385 bazillion dollars to charity? It seems insurmountable to live up to that lofty standard, but Richie’s latest endeavor is quite praiseworthy.
Recently, Richie Sambora created You Can Go Home, a fundraising campaign for Kelly Mahon, a Woodbridge High School student in New Jersey who is afflicted with a brain tumor. Richie is one of the only celebrities ever to graduate from Woodbridge High School (besides me of course) and he felt compelled to give back to his hometown. According to the official You Can Go Home website, the original campaign raised over $75,000 for Kelly’s family which helped offset the tremendous medical bills.
For nearly two years, Kelly has been confined to the hospital for the majority of the time, but is now cleared to go home for overnight visits. In preparation for Kelly’s visits back home, The Mahon Family needed to renovate their entire house for wheelchair accessibility. Sambora personally financed all the renovations so Kelly could be reunited with her family in their home for the first time since she was admitted to the hospital in 2007.
Richie Sambora is offering a line of merch and the profits from which will provide further funding to aid Kelly in her recovery. Even if you’re not a Bon Jovi fan, this is for a good cause so head over to the website and make a purchase!

Chelsea Handler is November’s Garden State Playmate!

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Seriously, the last time I watched E! network was when Hal Sparks was doing his short stint on Talk Soup. Usually I’m nauseated by the E! channel and all their newfangled shows they throw on the tube to see if they stick. Hey you there…aren’t you that dumbass show that we all know is going to be cancelled after 6 episodes? A swift thumb up the ass of the channel button on my remote will make you disappear real quick. Personally, I’d rather watch Vipers starring Tara Reid, Corbin Bernsen, and a bunch of mutated snakes than anything on E! That’s how I felt until a few months ago when I first caught an episode of Chelsea Lately on E! and it was actually funny.

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When I saw the promos for Chelsea Lately before its premiere a couple of years ago, I just figured Chelsea Handler was another schmucky female TV personality like Meredith Vieira, Dayna Devon, or Mario Lopez. Yeah, you read that right. I’m not going overboard or anything, and I won’t write it in the sky, but I did find Chelsea Handler to be mildly to even moderately entertaining. Now, it’s nothing sexist, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, but statistically speaking, only a select harem of women can make me laugh. Here are a few ladies that I find particularly funny: Kristen Wiig, Ellen Degeneres, Phyllis Diller, Suzy Soro, Abby Elliot, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Anna Lefler, Jane Curtain, Rita Rudner, Michaela Watkins (…bitch please!), Nasim Pedrad, and Rachel Dratch. I’m sure there’s more, but how many of these women can say they have spent time on the NY Times Best Seller list? In March, Handler will release her third book called Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. Damn that’s a killer title.

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To elevate her career that much more, and to make her stock soar with Google Image Search, Handler just recently showed up in Playboy Magazine. As I suspected, she didn’t have the meat curtains to take it all off. Ahh well, all that matters to me is that she’s vocal about hailing from Jersey. Yep, Chelsea Handler’s bio on her official Myspace page confirms that she is the runt of 6 kids and she was “born in Livingston, NJ, to a Jewish father and a Mormon mother.” So a big congrats to Chelsea Handler for attaining the elite distinction of being this month’s Garden State Playmate, it is a title that I don’t throw around nonchalantly. Anyone who can, at the very least, make me smirk, hang out with a mischievous little person (Chuy Bravo), and thwart me from shoving my thumb up the ass of the channel button is tops in my book.