New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 31: 21

Posted on by sexyarmpit
21 Laurence Fishburne
“You want to count cards, you do it in Atlantic City!” – Cole Williams

The New Jersey Division of Travel and Tourism really ought to think about updating their slogan to “Come to New Jersey where our women are easy and our Blackjack tables are even easier!” In 2008’s 21, Cowboy Curtis…eh…I mean, Laurence Fishburne plays hardened casino security chief, Cole Williams, who beats down anyone he suspects of counting cards or cheating the house. Morpheus ain’t f-cking around either, he even slides his gigantic tacky gold rings around his fingers before he beats the shit out of you.

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Star Wars/Jersey Shore Mash Up Trading Cards

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I try to refrain from posting so much about MTV’s Jersey Shore. The Internet is flooded with it, but I couldn’t help posting these Star Wars/Jersey Shore Mash Up Trading Cards. Thanks to my friend Steve who found them on Buzzfeed today via Starcasm.net. I couldn’t resist…these are genius, although they snubbed the REAL Jersey girl Sammi Sweetheart, as well as J-Wow for that matter.

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 34: The Situation from MTV’s Jersey Shore

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The Situation MTV Jersey Shore

Unfortunately, The Whereabouts just doesn’t have the same ring as The Situation. I’m absolutely furious that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has tarnished one of the best words in the English language forever. All the hipsters who actually enjoy watching MTV will now associate the word SITUATION with a former male stripper from Staten Island. In fact, this guy helped make Jersey Shore the pop culture phenomenon that it is, and the m-therfucker is from Staten Island?!?! He’s what true Jersey Shore folks call a Benny! Or as you may remember in a scene from Star Wars: A New Hope “We don’t serve their kind here!”

When I was but a young whippersnapper, the word SITUATION was well respected. It was an esteemed word that didn’t come to mind when sweaty, fist pumping, ‘roided out, guidos were mentioned. The real situation is the puddles going on in their armpits! (That is not Sexy). Can you remember a simpler time not so long ago? Take a moment to think back to a period of your life when the mere mention of the word situation elicited such cool and recognizable song lyrics such as “OK, here’s the SITUATION my parents went away on a weeks vacation…” I’m going to make a safe wager that Will Smith doesn’t even care that whenever I hear one of his legendary rhymes, a Staten Island guido will completely cloud my mind and impair me from enjoying the rest of DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince’s classic “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Every time I hear the word situation, it feels like I’m having a little heart attack.

I used to chant along wild and passionate with Motley Crue’s frontman Vince Neil, and shout “It’s the saaame ol’, saaame ol’ SITUAAATION!” and now thank goodness I have a medical alert button around my neck or someone would literally have to kickstart my heart. This guy is frigging everywhere! I can’t think of a more appropriate time to say WTF? Have you ever been sitting around quietly reflecting on the events of the day and suddenly began to think to yourself…”What the hell happened to Yaz?” Well, coincidentally, that happens to me quite often and even when I looked them up and found out that they reunited in 2008, it still slips my mind what the hell happened to Yaz. So, in order to recall Yaz’s glory days of British synth pop stardom, I have to crank up the iPod and spin the click wheel to one of their biggest hits, yep, you f-cking guessed it…SITUATION!!! What a word killing bastard! I’m getting a class action lawsuit against this guy for ruining one of my favorite words ever!

To protect my heart from failure, I’ll be refraining from using the word S——-N from now on. Since Mike Sorrentino rose to fame thanks to MTV’s Jersey Shore, it was merely a week until I started seeing “I Love The S——-N” T-shirts.

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Can’t we be a little more creative here people? At the very least I would have expected some illustrated abdominal muscles on the front or “Lift up my shirt to see The S——-N!” Dammit, I should be this assholes PR guy. They could’ve had a shirt that would give the tuxedo t-shirt a run for its money! (This eBay store should be ashamed of themselves for creating the most uninspired S——-N shirt ever.)
Shitty t-shirts aside, one of these days, The Sexy Armpit will inform The S——-N all about how he’s permanently massacred one of the finest words in our vernacular. Hopefully by that time I’ll have ruined the words SEXY and ARMPIT for him!

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of the most influential idols in my life, George Carlin:

“…Newspeople like to say ‘police have responded to an emergency situation,’ no they haven’t, they’ve responded to an EMERGENCY, we know it’s a situation…everything is a situation!”

Where to  find these shirts:
Garden State Parkway Inspired Tee designed by Skeezoid on CafePress.com

“I Love the…” at the official Jersey Shore store at Zazzle.com, and yes…they even have t-shirts for your dog.

Mike’s Quote Tee from mdunphy89 found in her Sweet T’s store at Zazzle.com

www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 30: Movie Madness!

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Movie Madness

National Lampoon’s Movie Madness – wow, what a crapfest. I originally began my mission to see this film because I noticed that Diane Lane had a bit part in it. Luckily, a few years back, the film also known as National Lampoon’s Goes to the Movies aired on cable, so I checked it out. I’m sure there’s other bloggers and reviewers on the internet who consider this film to be a forgotten gem, but it doesn’t have many redeeming qualities, so before you search it out I warn you not to even bother. I’m sure the parody aspect of the film was much more effective back in 1982, but looking back it’s weak. Even Diane Lane’s role is easily forgotten. I’m usually a fan of weird, dry, and absurd humor, but this film didn’t even elicit a chuckle from me.

Movie Madness
Ann Dusenberry as Dominique Corsaire, or…Miss Dairy Doll

In the “Success Wanters” segment of the film, the young and attractive Dominique Corsaire (Ann Dusenberry), recently graduated college and is determined to be successful. Corsaire was desperate after failing to find a job within days of graduating, so she becomes a stripper. One night Corsaire has a gig to dance at the National Conference of Presidents of Dairy Companies. She’s introduced as Miss Dairy Doll and the presidents heckle her to “show us your tits!” The lords of dairy got so charged up as she was dancing that they rushed the stage with sticks of butter. I’m pretty sure the “butter bang” is not in the kama sutra. Ahh, old dairy moguls and their weird sexual fetishes. (guys, don’t get any ideas OK? you’re wife probably won’t be into that) Corsaire wasn’t going to let the incident get her down. Corsaire vowed revenge on the butter industry. She wound up sleeping her way to the top of the Everest Margarine Company, then got busy with a wealthy Greek tycoon and his son, and eventually scored with the President of the United States.

In a slimeball attempt to make Butter and Margarine coexist, Jeff Steele, butter rep, sleeps with Corsaire. His vision for years was that “butter and milk could merge with margarine and other non-dairy creamers.” It sounded like a grand scheme, but little does he know that Corsaire’s actually using him to take his father, Walter Steele, a supreme overlord of butter, out of the picture. Sounds like the plot of a terrible soap opera, right? Well, not until you find out where Steele took her for a seductive rendezvous…

Movie Madness New Jersey
you’ll be hard pressed to find a Lake Interlude in New Jersey. 
If you’re thinking of pulling a Jeff Steele style merger, then you’re better off making a rez at The Loop Inn Motel, in beautiful Avenel, NJ.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Best of The Sexy Armpit 2009

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New Jersey

There were many amazing moments for The Sexy Armpit in 2009. I was able to cover events like The New York Comic-Con, the eXXXotica expo, The Perfect Age of Rock ‘n’ Roll, (an amazing film that I hope you will all be able to see very soon), as well as Rock of Ages, the only musical on Broadway worth seeing more than once. Moreover, possibly the most enduring effect that this blog has had on my life is meeting and starting friendships with a ton of awesome people who are not only in New Jersey, but literally all over the world. I know how risky it is becoming friends with a guy from Jersey, you wouldn’t want to get caught up in any underworld riff raff, so as the Golden Girls theme song states, “Thank you for being a friend!”

I continued some of the recurring columns that I enjoy posting regularly, and I also premiered a couple of new ones too. To read the installments of my recurring columns, just click on the icons on the right sidebar. There’s NJ’s Great Pop Culture Moments, Nocturna Mission, NJ T-Shirt Tuesday, Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey, and the best of all… The Garden State Playmates!

There’s no Dick here. No Carson Daly either. Just a Sexy Armpit wishing you a happy and healthy new year. The only ball dropping in New Jersey is watching the NY Giants and the NJ Nets drop the ball this season. I also want to thank each and every person who have visited this blog. Whether you’re a fan and have read it extensively or just skimmed through a few posts out of curiosity, I appreciate it. As 2009 comes to an end, here’s a list of the 25 best posts from 2009 as voted by me. These are the ones that are most worthy of reading if you haven’t checked them out already.

The Sexy Armpit covers the New York Comic Con 2009! Part 1 and Part 2
www.SexyArmpit.com

Brittany Murphy is December’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on by sexyarmpit
Brittany Murphy NJ

The Sexy Armpit was extremely saddened by the recent death of actress Brittany Murphy. Although she was born in Georgia, she grew up in Edison, New Jersey. Murphy attended Herbert Hoover School in Edison, NJ and the Verne Fowler School of Dance in Colonia, NJ. At only 32 years old, Murphy was too young to die, but thankfully she left us with many memorable performances which may only receive the credit they deserve now that she’s not with us anymore. Life is kind of f-cked up isn’t it?

Brittany Murphy NJ

Many of us remember Brittany Murphy as Tai in 1995’s Clueless, but prior to that she appeared in Drexell’s Class, an episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, as well as an appearance on Kids Incorporated among many other shows. Standout performances in Don’t Say a Word, 8 Mile, and Sin City finally helped garner Brittany Murphy some much deserved credit. You can say what you will about Just Married, but I saw it in the theater when it came out just based on her starring in it and I actually enjoyed it. She was dating her co-star Ashton Kutcher at the time and it definitely showed on screen. (Upon learning of her death, Kutcher tweeted “2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine…” and “see you on the other side kid.”) Since then Murphy continued acting in addition to lending her voice to Happy Feet, King of the Hill, and Futurama.

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If you happened to see Abby Elliot do an impression of her on Saturday Night Live about a week before she passed away, then you know that Murphy was one of a kind and quirky. In many of her roles, Murphy evoked an innocent, loveable quality similar to Drew Barrymore’s demeanor while still being undeniably sexy. What’s most disappointing about her death, is that she won’t be able to celebrate the premiere of The Expendables, one of the most anticipated films of 2010, starring a who’s who of action stars. If the film is a success, her stock in Hollywood may have went up.

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Back in 2005, everyone I knew was buzzing about how Brittany Murphy came back to Edison for the tree lighting ceremony and was given the key to the town. The NJ.com article reporting her death also mentions this event.

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Mike Bock’s Toxic Avenger

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The incomparable artist Mike Bock is actually one of us. According to his bio, his interests include MOTU, GI Joe, TMNT, Thundercats and Wrestling! Among the various He-Man and Thundercats pieces that he has done, his brilliant creative powers also discharged The Toxic Avenger, New Jersey’s only Super Hero!

Mike Bock's Toxic Avenger
You can check out an extensive collection of Mike Bock’s cartoonish creations 
at his Deviant Art site: http://mikebock.deviantart.com/
www.SexyArmpit.com

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 33: Springsteen Wrecks the Stadium

Posted on by sexyarmpit
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It’s a good thing we’ve got Springsteen, because the New York Giants sure as hell didn’t come through for us this season. Couldn’t they have at least won their last game in Giants Stadium? And while I’m at it, are the G-Men really moving on to greener pastures? I’d say that playing in “The New Meadowlands Stadium” is a step down in comparison to having an entire stadium named after the Giants franchise for over 30 years. From now on, the Giants and Jets will have to share a stadium that’s generically named so it won’t offend Jets fans. Big Blue couldn’t end it all on a high note? Nope, instead they let the Carolina Panthers trounce them. It’s a good thing my woman got us tickets to see Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street band put on the last concert ever in Giants Stadium back on October 9th, 2009.

Bruce Springsteen T-Shirts
Bruce Springsteen and The E-Street Band’s final shows at Giants Stadium were commemorated with different variations of t-shirts that were available in honor of each night’s show.
I feel that BRUUUCE bid the stadium proper adieu by bringing on his own “Wrecking Ball.” If you were there, then you know how special the night was. Emotions ran high that night and Bruce was in great spirits. He uplifted the crowd in many ways, and the crowd even uplifted him when he randomly decided to stage dive. Nobody, not even the drunken buffoonery in Jersey would drop Bruce Springsteen. That’s like dropping the Queen of effing England, if for some reason she happened to be stage diving. God might not save the Queen in that instance. The last night of Springsteen’s concerts in Giants Stadium was more special than the previous shows because as far as concerts go, he’s the main event there. The spectacular show was only weakened by the fact that the G-Men’s new digs was only 50 feet away next door. But Bon Jovi can have the shiny new New Meadowlands Stadium. I prefer old, weathered, and worn in any day.
Bruce Springsteen T-Shirts
You can visit Bruce Springsteen’s official online store and grab these tees while they are still available! (www.brucespringsteen.net)
www.SexyArmpit.com

How to Spend Your iTunes Gift Card if You’re from New Jersey

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Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas ($9.99) holiday/comedy – The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album was released in November ’09 and it’s already a Christmas classic on my iPod. Meatwad makes me laugh my ass off! Meat Navi-wad!!! Highly recommended if you’re a fan of the Aqua Teen crew from South Jersey.

No Offense: Live From NJ – Jeffrey Ross ($9.99) comedy


Jersey Girls – Rye Coalition – also featuring other whimsical song titles such as “ZZ Topless” and “Speed Metal Tap Dancer.” (only partial album available)
White Boys from New Jersey – Let the Listener Beware EP ($4.95) comedy
New Jersey Kings – Party to the Bus Stop ($8.91) funk/soul/jazz
The Jersey Devil is Here: Darren Deicide ($8.91) – hard to put your finger on this one, but it’s catchy, fun, and dark simultaneously. Download it if you’re daring and ready for something different.
Jersey Dance Syndicate: Bon Jovi Medley ($9.99) – This actually exists. It feels sort of silly listening to “Blood on Blood” with a pulsing dance beat, but there’s a place for everything in this world especially when you have $0.99 cents burning a hole in your iTunes account and you’ve just always wanted a disco version of “In and Out of Love” and a Wham style “Dry County,” it’s so f-cked up that it’s kind of cool. Perfect for those middle aged women motivated while on the treadmill.

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“Lonely on the Streets Jersey City” – The Casualties – ” track #11 on We Are All We Have ($0.99)

“Being From Jersey Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry” – Cobra Starship – track #1 on While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets – what is it with the convoluted song and album titles on the Fueled by Ramen record label? ($0.99)

“Better Off in Jersey” – Crash Romeo – track #11 on Gave Me the Clap ($0.99)

“Jersey Bounce” – Ella Fitgerald – track #6 on Clap Hands, Here Comes Charlie! ($0.99)
“Bomb New Jersey” – Voltaire – ” track #6 on Ooky Spooky  ($0.99)

Hometown Tales ($2.99) app

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“Hotel NJ” Starfucker – track #1 on For Crying Out Loud! ($0.99)

Living on the Edge of the World: New Jersey Writers Take On the Garden State by Irina Reyn app/book ($13.99)

WFMU Radio (FREE) app

“Jersey” – Kilogram – track #4 on Nobody Believed ($0.99)
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“Sleepin’ On Jersey” – Naughty by Nature and Queen Latifah – track #12 on 19 Naughty III ($0.99)

NJ Devils by Alan Braun (FREE)

Weird NJ ($2.99) and Weird NJ Hauntings (FREE) app

“Mutant Mosquitoes from New Jersey” – Big Swing Face – track #1 on Mutant Mosquitoes from New Jersey jazz/big band/swing ($0.99)
The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack (9.99)
“…/New Jersey” – Gilbert Gottfried track #7 on Dirty Jokes ($0.99)

“The 12 Days of Christmas…Jersey Style” – Cast of Jersey Boys track #9 on Broadway’s Carols for a Cure Vol.11 ($0.99)

A New Jersey Story: Continuous Mix by Mr.Chinn – Gary Davis ($9.99)

“10 Coolest Things About New Jersey” – Bloodhound Gang – track #17 on Hooray for Boobies (album only) ($9.99)
What Am I Doing in New Jersey? – George Carlin ($9.99) comedy
“Jersey Born and Livin’ On” – Bruce Jovi and The Smoove Sailors ($0.99)

“New Jersey Girl” – Nerf Herder – American Cheese track #12 ($0.99)
“Rime of the Ancient Mariner” – Iron Maiden – Live at IZOD Center 3/14/08 track #9 Flight 666 ($16.99) ALBUM ONLY? WHA WHA WHAT?
“Jersey Shore” – The Architects – track #5 on Vice ($0.99)

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Vanity – American Angel –  ($9.99)

Down Jersey: Songs and Stories of Southern Jersey: Jim Albertson ($9.90) – a singer/songwriter who performs songs inspired by NJ. There’s also a spoken word piece explaining the origin of the Jersey Devil.

“Jersey Boy” – Eddie Rabbitt – track #9 on Jersey Boy ($0.99)

“Surfin’ the Jersey Shore” – The Giraffes – track #6 on franksquilt ($0.99)

“New Jersey is for Dreamers” – Stereo Summer – track #2 on Stereo Summer EP ($0.99)
NJ Pick 6 Lottery report collection by Kulusoft ($1.99)
www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 29: The Polar Express Stops in Maplewood, NJ

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If you were on board The Polar Express, would you really want to stop in New Jersey? Can you believe that Santa Claus (aka Schlatter Claus) actually has to bring presents to the kids in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey? Santa would risk the chance of becoming a fat, red, radioactive, hairy beast. As you can see in this clip from 2004’s The Polar Express, Santa’s elves almost shitcan the idea of stopping in Maplewood, NJ, but the “big man” ultimately pusses out because he’s the nicest guy in the world.

This little punk bitch Steven from Maplewood put gum in his sisters hair and then acted like the lying brat that he is and couldn’t even own up to it. Steven repeated “I didn’t do it” over and over again. Whether I should be pissed at the creators and editors of The Polar Express, or if I should direct my anger toward the little annoying kid is irrelevant. Either way, this kid royally pisses me off. Why, why, why did they have to show that clip of “I didn’t do it” 5 times?? Are they serious? 5 f-cking times? Completely uncessary! I got the point after the first one, thanks. “I didnt do it” oh but you DID do it. You annoyed the Mumm-Ra ever living shit out of me. I want to smack this kid in the mouth with a spatula. Please cue Kool and the Gang’s latest track that they recorded just for me “Interrogation Time,” because if Steven didn’t do then I need some f’n answers. Hey Steven, who put the f’n gum in your sisters hair if you two were the only ones in the room at the time? You are the biggest f-cking liar! Stop blatantly denying that shit!

What’s with the elves sounding like they are from New Joisey? Apparently, Santa Claus is their Godfather figure or Tony Soprano take your pick. If there’s any truth to this then that means all of the wishes of all of the children around the world get filtered through the Garden state and then sent up to the North pole. Whether you are naughty or nice, the elves either say yay or “nah, f-ck that kid.” Remember when you wanted the Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas back in ’83? Remember how disappointed you were when you realized that it wasn’t under the Christmas tree? You can blame that on one of those made elves who ratted you out to Santa Claus about how you stole that little jerkoffs grape fruit roll-up at lunch time. Don’t even get me started on my Millennium Falcon fiasco! Let’s just say I was never able to recreate any of Han and Chewie’s space adventures all because of an incident involving artificial fruit and a cute little blonde girl. I’ll say no more. So, if you don’t get what you want from Santa Claus this year, blame it on the elves who run organized rat outs of naughty kids in NJ under the guise of waste management.

**There’s a lot more to be said about Maplewood, NJ’s place pop culture so stay tuned for future Armpit posts featuring this town!

www.SexyArmpit.com