A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
Click on the poster and please support this amazing film by becoming a fan on Facebook! Click Here to read my review. This rock and roll road movie has several ties to New Jersey and I urge you to see it if you can!
The store owner in this commercial makes me laugh.
This wasn’t just any ordinary waste, it was chemical ooze that could mutate anything into a jumbo version of itself. Unlike all the spam e-mails you get, this stuff could actually work miracles for a certain male appendage or even females with negative A cups. The only drawback is that after you lather up in it, you’d probably have to live the rest of your life ridiculously ripped and grow to 10 or 11 feet tall. If you’re cool with that and you have some sort of Guiness Book of World Records freak fetish, then by all means, go to Bayonne and find yourself some ooze! Just a warning though, you may have to dig through some of the alien carcasses that appeared in 2005’s War of the Worlds.
In an attempt to improve the company’s public image, TGRI tries to clean up much of the waste they have buried through the years of ecological incompetence. This ruise is not much different than some campaigns rolled out by many high profile companies in the last several years to “go green.” It’s common for companies to exploit the angle that they are being conscious of the environment to cover up a lot of their other shady operations. Just think, without this ooze, yeah maybe we wouldn’t have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but more importantly, we wouldn’t have Tokka and Rahzar!
At one point, as he’s being in interviewed by April O’Neil, Professor Jordan Perry (David Warner) even claims the sludge was non toxic! Oh yeah…of course. It was as non toxic as Crayola crayons! I don’t think so! Can you ever trust the man known as the voice of Ra’s al Ghul? I think not Detective…
You might think that Bugs would get mobbed when visiting a casino in Atlantic City, but actually it’s only the tourists that bother him. You see, Bugs is a Jersey boy. I know what you’re thinking right now. “Oh my Lord! Here he goes again, bragging about how everyone is connected to New Jersey!!!” It is true though, aside from the Easter Bunny, the hometown of the most famous bunny of pop culture is Perth Amboy, NJ! If you don’t believe me, start Googling!
Considering he’s a Jersey Bunny, Bugs is no stranger to the ins and outs of Atlantic City. Keeping with the anonymity thing, Bugs rolls down to A.C in his piece of shit 1996 Ford Aspire which he bought new when he received his huge windfall from signing on to star in Space Jam. It turned out to be quite a good investment since no one really ever thinks to look over at a Ford Aspire on the highway to see if an animated rabbit is driving it. The only downside is that it doesn’t drive too fast. While the Aspire plods down the GSP, adjacent in the EZ Pass Express lane, Road Runner meep meeps right passed him leaving Bugs in a cloud of dust digging for change to pay the toll.
Welcome to Atlantic City! Maybe the initials on this shirt should stand for “We’re Broke,” because that’s what many people are saying when they leave, much like this couple:
DAN: “Umm…honey?’
DAN’S WIFE: “Yes Dear?”
DAN: “I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I gambled away all of little Emma’s college money…but I bought this really cute Bugs Bunny shirt with my comp dollars! It’s a little big, but you can wear it to bed!”
DAN’S WIFE: “WHAT?!?! Are you f-cking kidding me?!?! Do I have to call Rocky and Mugsy to fix this? And what in the name of Speedy Gonzales made you think I’d want a freaking Bugs Bunny t-shirt? You know my favorite is Hippety Hopper you broke bastard!”
*If you did any Googling to see if there is any truth to Bugs hailing from Perth Amboy, I commend you. If you didn’t and you simply don’t believe me, then believe this: Bugs Bunny Land resided at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ from 1988 to 2004. Presently, Six Flags Great Adventure features Bugs Bunny National Park in addition to a couple of rides in the Looney Tunes Seaport. So how do ya like them carrots?
Have you ever seen an interrogation scene? You know that sort of scene where the hard edged, no nonsense detective won’t let up and shines that excessively bright dangling light down at the suspects face? Well, that would be the serious method of finding out whodunit. The other way to find the culprit would be to hire Leslie Nielsen, no, not Frank Drebin, but the actor who starred in Police Squad, and Naked Gun and about 200 other movies and TV shows. What kind of missing person would warrant a Vince McMahon making a phone call to Leslie Nielsen? The Undertaker, of course! (BTW, Nielsen is also available for finding lost astromech droids)
Back in 1994, one the WWF writers thought it would be cute to have various fans and celebrities claim that they spotted The Undertaker. Taker had been out since the Royal Rumble earlier that year when Yokozuna beat him at his own game, a casket match. After getting sealed into a double wide, double deep casket meant for the the 640 lb. Yokozuna, Taker soared up through the rafters to WWF heaven, or, vacation time as it’s commonly known to the nation’s work force. The Undertaker wound up facing The Undertaker at Summerslam 1994, and it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, and it’s nothing compared the shit the WWE regurgitates nowadays.
The Summer Sizzler Tour made a stop at the Meadowlands Arena on August 27, 1994, a couple of days before the biggest Pay Per View of the summer. Considering the climate in the wrestling world right now, it’s definitely interesting to look back on this card.
Bret “Hitman” Hart, who recently made a return to the WWE, tagged up with Razor Ramon, a.k.a Scott Hall, who is in TNA now, and in desperate need of some of that ICOPRO that they were always promoting back then, even on this list of matches! They took on the late Owen Hart and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Bret’s former partner whose daughter Natalya presently manages the Hart Dynasty in WWE. You getting all this so far? This match was set to amp up the interest in the Bret/Owen feud and get the audience to buy the PPV. One of half of the main event at Summerslam 1994 was Bret facing his brother Owen in a steel cage. Hitman won the match and afterward he got beat up by Owen and Anvil.
I missed Two Dudes with Attitudes (Diesel (Kevin Nash) and Shawn Michaels) win the tag titles by one night. The night after this NJ house show they won the tag belts from The Headshrinkers and went into Summerslam with the gold.
Not much has changed in the WWF’s women’s division. It wasn’t as exciting as the Wendi Richter days after they brought it back in 1993. Around this time, WWF pushed the hell out of Alundra Blayze and they threw every female that was willing to compete at her. The freaky and formidable Japanese wrestler Bull Nakano challenged Blayze here. Apparently Nakano is a professional golfer now. It was just a natural progression I suppose.
There’s no question that the WWF pulls some atrocious crap out of their asses and this house show was no exception. Mabel aka Viscera teamed with Doink the Clown to take on Jeff Jarrett and the late great Jersey icon Bam Bam Bigelow. Talk about burying talent! Did they really have to embarrass Jarrett and Bigelow like this? I’ve been trying to erase the memory of Mabel’s purple and gold jumpsuit every since Men on a Mission first debuted in WWF.
As for the other garbage on this card, Bob Holly took on one half of the Quebecers, Pierre, who also wrestled as a pirate named Jean Pierre LaFitte. The only thing that could be said about this match is that The Bushwackers vs. The Heavenly Bodies was more entertaining. The opening match featured Adam Bomb vs. Kwang, the green mist spitting masked ninja or otherwise known as Savio Vega. I’ve said it plenty of times here on The Sexy Armpit, and that is that Adam Bomb was cool. I don’t care. He hailed from Three Mile Island!!! If only I had one of those little bomb squad football missiles he used to throw out to his Bomb Squad Members. That would’ve made The Summer Sizzler Tour a worthwhile outing.
Bruce Springsteen didn’t just pull a random New Jersey road out of the back pocket of his jeans to name drop in “Born to Run.” Much like the escalator in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, Route 9 should be feared and respected. Not only is the road filled with potholes in many stretches of it’s Garden State sprawl, but it’s also known for it’s fast, furious, and f-cked up drivers. If you have the choice, you’re better off staying away and re-routing your GPS. And whatever you do, don’t walk on the side of the highway, or as Dr. Evazan said in the cantina scene in Star Wars… “You’ll be DEAD!” Or to one up myself…as Admiral Bruce Ackbarsteen said “It’s a DEATH TRAP!”
This article from Jackson NJ Online News featured a report on New Jersey’s Most Dangerous Roads for Pedestrians. If you live in Jersey, reading this information is vital to your survival! Route 9 comes in at number 2 on the list, but then again, Bruce Springsteen didn’t mention US-130 in one of his immortal songs now did he?
Almost 8 months ago I was super excited when I first read about Spider Man slinging his web over to star in his own show on Broadway. There are times when the word impulsive just can’t begin to describe how over excited I get upon hearing news like this. Momentarily I become a little kid again without even thinking of previous disasters like the 1966 musical, It’s a Bird…It’s a Plane…It’s Superman. I wasn’t even on Krypton let alone Earth when some genius let that outrage make it to Broadway. How could Spider Man be as bad as that? We’ve come so far since then, haven’t we? With 3 blockbuster films, an animated series, comics, and toy web slingers, could there possibly be another way of running this Marvel property into the ground? Why yes, as a matter of fact, Spidey on Broadway! Looking back, I have no idea how I didn’t see this disaster of epic proportions looming on the New York City skyline.
Why the f-ck did I even want to get tickets to this piece of trash anyway? First of all, no offense to the Marvel maniacs out there, but I’m a DC loyalist and have been since 1982. I still enjoy many Marvel characters and their films, but I have always enjoyed the DCU more. I would never EVER want to see any of the DC characters in a musical on Broadway, so hopefully if some marketing guru from DC Entertainment tosses that idea around…GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD IMMEDIATELY and then someone give that m-therfucker a swirlie.
So, yeah, I’m coming clean. I did something stupid. I bought tickets the moment they went on sale. Originally my excitement was high for no good reason other than sheer boredom and a lust for fanboy stimulation. There also seemed to be a bit of mystery involved since no details were available yet. Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark (dumb title) was set to premiere on January 16th, 2010. With no info available, I incessantly called Ticketmaster since the transaction wasn’t even appearing in my account history. There was no record of me even purchasing tickets to this crapshow. After several calls, I gave up. (I loathe Ticketmaster by the way.) A few months later, the Internet was buzzing with bad press about the budgetary issues, production problems, and set design perils that the Spider Man musical had run into. This almost sounded as bad as the time those mynocks latched onto the Falcon and started chowing down on those power cables.
The premiere date was pushed to the end of February. I hoped that the new date might give the producers enough time to get their shit together, but truthfully, I started to get fed up when I received an e-mail from terrible Ticketmaster. They wanted me to call them to EXCHANGE the tickets for the new date?!?!?! WTF? Shouldn’t they have just sent me tickets for the new date? I purchased the tickets and now I would risk losing the seats that I bought? That is pure bullshit, but like a shmuck, I called and exchanged the tickets like they asked. The employee who answered had no idea about anything I was referring to. She even snickered when I told her for the second time that I was calling about the Spider Man Musical. Clearly none of the Ticketmaster employees are made aware of postponements or cancellations. When she asked for an order number, I couldn’t even give her one because the transaction didn’t even exist and I was never given an order number, nor did it show up in my account. I was super pissed now. Finally, she figured it out, but the same seats I purchased were no longer available! They gave me seats at the end of the same row, which I settled for.
Today, more articles were published all over the Internet about Spider Man being postponed until Fall of 2010. Many of the news pieces reported that Ticketmaster would be offering refunds at this point. Earlier today I received an automated message on my phone from Ticketmaster stating that I was able to call them for a refund if I desired. If not, I would have to wait for a new sale date to exchange the tickets yet again. As soon as I got home, I called Ticketmaster and asked for a refund. Wouldn’t you know that the jackass who answered the phone had absolutely no clue about anything I was referring to. I told him that I received an automated call and that I was requesting a refund since the show would be postponed for a third time. I’d say it took a good 3 minutes of holding and listening to the same stupid music until he came back and asked more questions. By the end of the near 14 minute conversation full of needless back and forth, I got my refund. Now all I have to do is make sure it actually goes into my account or I’m suing Tickemaster for $200 bucks!
If you’ve been following the continuing debacle of the snowballing Spider Man Musical budget, you probably have a pretty good idea how I arrived at my decision. As of today, the budget is apparently in the realm of $50 million dollars and growing. Maybe I was sucked in by the thought of Edge working on the musical score for the show, or the idea that Mary Jane would be played by Evan Rachel Wood. Why don’t they just take those ideas, and before they shove them up their asses, put them to good use in either another feature film or an animated DVD movie? Considering that ticket sales for plays and musicals have been slumping for the past few years, the question here is…how many of you would be eager to go and shell out $100 bucks per ticket to see a Spider Man musical?
Milk is definitely not the beverage it used to be. As a kid, I would cringe watching my friends drink milk with dinner while eating over their houses. How could you possibly enjoy a fine feast of spaghetti and meatballs with a tall glass of…milk? No way, that was against the law in my house. It was iced tea or drink your own f’n saliva. This doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy a cold glass of milk with dessert or drenching my cereal in the morning. But things were a little different back on January 11th, in 1878, when the first bottles of milk were delivered to people’s homes. To celebrate that momentous occasion, The Sexy Armpit has dunked itself into a carton of milky trivia.
In 1991’s Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, Sue Ellen (Christina Applegate) has to look after her brothers and sister. Sue Ellen is no Bobby Flay, so for breakfast it was Cap’n Crunch in a gigantic family style bowl doused with Jerseymaid milk.
If you’re the type of person who compulsively reads the container of the food that you’re eating, then you may have wondered why so many milk cartons say “Jersey” on them. Not to bring down this celebratory mood or anything, but it has nothing to do with the Garden State. Jersey cows are actually a well known breed of cow from the British Channel Isle of Jersey. This breed is small, well mannered, and economical for dairy companies. But if you delve further into milk lore, you will find, like mostly everything else in this world, that it somehow ties back to New Jersey. Man, am I a one trick pony or what?
It turns out that New Jersey is home to our fair share of popular dairy companies. Tuscan Dairy which began delivering in Union and Essex counties in 1918 and Cream-O-Land started distributing in the New Brunswick, NJ area in 1943.
Whymilk.com is the official Got Milk? website and you can also check out Facebook.com/milkmustache to keep updated on the milk mustache ad campaign. Here are links to other milk related posts from The Sexy Armpit: