sexyarmpit, Author at Sludge Central

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 34: Brewster’s Millions

Posted on February 11, 2010 by sexyarmpit

“C’mon, this is Hackensack, New Jersey, no scout comes here you understand that? A train’s going through the outfield right now…” – Spike Nolan, Brewster’s Millions

It’s only a matter of days before pitchers and catchers will be reporting to spring training. To get you geared up for baseball season, today’s entry features 1985’s Brewster’s Millions starring Richard Pryor. If you are a baseball fan and you haven’t seen this, it’s worth adding to your Netflix queue. The film is actually based on George Barr McCutcheon’s 1902 novel which spawned several movies, but this incarnation is the most well known. In addition to it’s baseball backdrop, New Jersey also plays a significant role in the film.

We first see Brewster (Pryor) as the pitcher on the minor league Hackensack Bulls. At first the film is reminiscent of 2000’s The Replacements, and it’s possible that this low rent, rag tag baseball team might get a shot at the big leagues later in the movie. Once the plot is exposed as fairly un-baseball related, the story becomes a bit cockamamy. Brewster stands to inherit $300 million dollars from his deceased great uncle, but only if he’s able to spend $30 million in 30 days. Brewster does everything he can to spend the dough, including running for Mayor of New York City and hiring the New York Yankees to take on the Hackensack Bulls in a 3-inning exhibition game.

Brewster’s Millions is one of those ’80s films that seems to get lost in the shuffle. The film is mildy humorous, thanks mostly to John Candy as Brewster’s friend, Spike Nolan. Candy was clearly not given the best material to work with but was still amusing as always. As the main character, Monty Brewster, even Pryor’s performance was mediocre at best. The storyline isn’t meant to be hysterical, but one would think that combining the comedic powers of Pryor and Candy on screen would equal gold, but it’s unfortunately not the case. I’m in no way implying that there are no funny parts in this film, but just not as many as I had hoped.

According to IMDB, Jennifer Beals was up for the role of Brewster’s love interest and financial advisor, Angela Drake, but the role ultimately went to Lonette McKee. McKee’s performance was dull and the film could’ve used a female lead with some sort of spark. McKee and Pryor didn’t have much chemistry at all and just the idea of Beals playing the role of Drake is much more enticing. I’m not sure why Beal didn’t get the role, but after reading more about Beals’ career, it seems to be a trend. She passed up the role of Appolonia in Purple Rain, and she was apparently the first choice to play Andie in Pretty in Pink, but lost out to Molly Ringwald.

Friday the 13th Part III’s Gloria Charles in a Camden Braves Jersey

Billboards at Pulaski Field: National Bank of Bergen County and Hasbrouck Dairy

Also thanks to IMDB, the exterior shot of Torchy’s Bar is also seen in 1979’s When a Stranger Calls:

“…he was out drinking ’til 3:30 at a bar in Plainfield last night…”

Brewster’s Millions offers various other mentions of New Jersey, Newark, and the fictional Hackensack Bulls baseball team. Look out for a hysterical cameo by Rick Moranis as Morty King King of the Mimics and Yakov Smirnoff as Vladimir the driver.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 39: Six Flags Great Adventure

Posted on February 10, 2010June 22, 2016 by sexyarmpit

This old school Six Flags Great Adventure shirt

is available at Smith and Pooter Vintage on eBay

Have you ever actually bought an old, used, smelly, stained t-shirt on eBay? Personally, I can’t say that I have, but there must be enough people out there who do because there sure are a ton of eBay stores that specialize in what they call “vintage” t-shirts. In this case, vintage is a word that makes old and worn out sound somewhat desirable. These t-shirts aren’t the trendy, distressed, logo tees that you see at Target labeled Large but only seem to fit boys in 3rd grade, rather they are from whatever year YOU were in the 3rd grade. In many households the next step for these tees is either the trash, or the nearest good will clothing bin. The Sexy Armpit would probably throw the better quality ones in the good will bin, while the shittiest one would be used to dust off old electronics. We are in America after all, a country where so many people out there think, “why can’t we make a buck off of these ancient rags rather than donate them to people who are less fortunate.” What complete douchebags.

The male model for Smith and Pooter Vintage, is apparently 6 feet tall and weighs 150 lbs. I’ll refrain from making assumptions about this guy’s character, but I will say that he has stupid hair. He definitely needs to start throwing back more White Castles or something because he looks emaciated. Of course, this shirt was originally a men’s large and now fits like a girls small, so this scrawny guy was a perfect choice to model this piece of shit shirt. Whoever you are, why do you buy this crap?

Armpit stains (even the best detergent can’t eradicate evil Armpit stains!), holes, more stains

Just remember folks, as bad as this economy has been, YOU DO NOT have to lower yourself to buy used t-shirts, nor do you ever have to accept a job creeping everyone out while modeling stinky old t-shirts on eBay. You should however, still have fun, and more flags=more fun, SIX FLAGS! Oh man, they should be paying me for that.

Ad Jerseum 2: Flip Wilson and Geraldine for Diet 7 Up

Posted on February 6, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Here’s a Diet 7up commercial from 1980 starring Flip Wilson and his female alter ego Geraldine. Wilson, a Jersey City, NJ born comedian, grew up in a poor family of 18 children. His innovation in his stand up material as well as his own variety show paved the way for many black comedians.

Great Gorge: Vagina Euphemism or Playboy’s Enchanting NJ Getaway?

Posted on February 6, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Believe it or not, there was a point in time when Hugh Hefner actually believed New Jersey was desirable enough to have a Playboy Resort! Back in the ’70s, as part of Playboy’s plan for world domination, they set up shop at Great Gorge in McAfee, NJ. Maybe I should start up a petition to get a Playboy Club back in New Jersey! Who’s with me? Think of the reality show that could be. New Jersey and Playboy Bunnies, it’s got E! channel and VH1 written all over it. To hold you over until that happens, I’ve scanned this vintage postcard from the now defunct Playboy Resort, and colored over the original message because some hornball just couldn’t resist sending out a stupid joke about Bunnies while on a business trip. If you know me, I never joke about The Bunnies!

The Bunnies!

The card is postmarked August 20th, 1975, and check out that 10 cent stamp!

The Sexy Armpit with The Bunnies at the Playboy Club at the Palms in Las Vegas

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 38: New Jersey Nets

Posted on February 3, 2010 by sexyarmpit

NJ Nets Charcoal Flame Thrower T-Shirt by Adidas

found at FootballFanatics.com

You have probably heard by now that the worst team in the NBA may be gracing Newark’s Prudential Center with their shittyness for the next 2 seasons. “THANK THE FRIGGING LORD!” said Izod Center earlier today. The deal is not completely official, it’s merely waiting to be passed by new Governor Chris Christie. No big loss, the Nets are OUTTA’ HERE and hauling their asses off to Brooklyn, NY in 2012. The question remains whether or not New Jersey will opt to attract another franchise from the NBA to The Garden State. With an embarrasing record of 4-42, I’m going with a resounding NO on that one. As far as I’m concerned Brooklyn is doing us a huge favor and we should cut our losses. Unless of course The Nets play the best two seasons in team history at The Prudential Center…then GO NETS!!!

Cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore on Chelsea Lately

Posted on February 2, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Taryn Thomas is January’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on January 31, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Porn mirrors pop culture. Porn doesn’t just provide a diversion for legions of horny people, and dictates what home video format we’ll be purchasing for the next 10 years, but also grabs its influences from what’s hot on TV and in the movies. Joining the ranks of porn parodies like Casabangca, Edward Penishands, and Muffy the Vampire Layer, is Jersey Shore XXX starring Jersey born adult film actress Taryn Thomas.

Taryn Thomas, the dirtiest girl in porn, will be playing Snooki in the upcoming adult version of MTV’s New Jersey based reality show. Even though it may be a departure from her role in Evil Angels Vault of Whores and The Cream Team 2, Taryn’s bountiful skills will easily make any guy she’s in a scene with rise to the occasion.

Seeking to have more creative control over her projects, Taryn grabbed the shaft by the balls and started her own production company called Taryn It Up Entertainment. I admire her gusto and of course…her busto. Rimshot! In addition to her extensive work in the adult film industry, Taryn has studied cosmetology, has a pharmacy technician license, and even went to real estate school! That is what I call versatile. After she bangs you six ways from Sunday she’ll do your guyliner, prescribe you some allergy meds, and then bring you to a snazzy open house. What a girl!

After discussing her Jersey roots at the eXXXotica convention in Edison, NJ

If you’re like Paul Rudd’s character, David, in 40 Year Old Virgin, and you have a compilation like Boner Jamz ’03, adding Jersey Shore XXX to Boner Jamz 2010 is a must! Check out the trailer:

http://twitter.com/TarynThomas

http://www.myspace.com/tarynthomas

http://jerseyshorexxx.com

Ad Jerseum 1: Geico Gecko Inside Loews Jersey Theatre

Posted on January 28, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Welcome to our new column,
Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

A marketing company would be hard pressed to find a more lush and ornate theater to film a commercial in than the Landmark Loews Jersey Theatre. Opened in 1929, and noted for being “the most lavish temple of entertainment in New Jersey,” The Loews Theater in Journal Square, Jersey City has hosted classic movie premieres, marathons, live music, and has also added commercials to its repertoire.

Geico recognized the beauty of this legendary theater and filmed a couple of commercials at the Loews Jersey. The company’s knack for creating memorable and effective TV ads is well defined. Their bank account must be on par with Scrooge McDuck’s because according to Wikipedia, Geico spent around $750 million dollars on advertising in 2007. Part of Geico’s clever catalogue are two commercials, one featuring Charlie Daniels, and the other featuring our favorite British gecko, Martin.

Charlie Daniels should have performed “The Devil Goes Down to Jersey!”

Martin the Geico Gecko gives the hard sell in the lobby of the Loews Jersey Theatre:

There are so many awesome events coming to The Loews Jersey, especially on March 19th-21st, 2010, when the Saturday Nightmares Horror Convention will take place! Please visit the official Loews Jersey website for their full schedule of events and ticket info.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 37: Cake Boss

Posted on January 27, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Carlo’s Bake Shop T-Shirts available at www.carlosbakery.com

Are we so starved for entertainment in this country? I could see how we are lacking in good quality entertainment, especially on television, but I know damn well that we’re already filled up on cake and desserts. Of course, I don’t expect the majority of the country to be able to do 1,000 push ups in 23 minutes like Jack LaLane once did, but we really need to restrain the food reality show habit and shows like CAKE BOSS ain’t helpin’ one bit!

Filmed in Hoboken, NJ, TLC’s Cake Boss spotlights Buddy Valastro, the owner of Carlo’s Bake Shop who is obsessive about his work and eccentric enough to make people interested in watching him do it. It’s quite apparent that his crew of gourmet dessert chefs, many of which are his family members, are immensely gifted at what they do, and we get to see their final creations that prove it. My question is, do we really need another show about baking cakes? I thought the Ace of Cakes filled the quota. People love sugary, frosted goodness, yeah I get it. But what bugs me is that network and cable TV pay for shows like this rather than opt to create new original programming that isn’t reality based.

If I wanted to see reality I could hop on the NJ Turnpike a few exits and actually go to Carlo’s bakery, the shop where the show is filmed. I know the rest of the country doesn’t have that luxury, but is there that much of a demand for a show about making exquisite cakes? I’m not taking anything away from their prowess because it’s impressive to watch them create these ornate confections. I just can’t stop thinking that we will never stop seeing shows come along about ice sculptors, rubber band ball makers, food additive geniuses, and popsicle stick house architects. Is this niche type of programming here to stay, or is it a passing trend? I miss sitcoms that were imaginative and silly, I miss creepy shows like Unsolved Mysteries, I miss shlocky action shows, and I especially miss tawdry comedies about 2 girls living with a guy who pretends to be gay in front of his landlord. OK, so Jack Tripper happened to be a chef. That was the closest connection to a cooking show that my shows ever got. Well, unless you want to count the time Alf blew up the kitchen.

The Official Home Page of Carlo’s Bake Shop

Visit Cake Boss on TLC

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 33: 500 Days of Summer

Posted on January 26, 2010 by sexyarmpit

“You have your moments. Not many of them, but you do have them.”

– Princess Leia, Empire Strikes Back (1980)

When watching a love story on DVD with your woman for the first time, you might compare it to other films you have seen, or she may compare it to a classic romance novel you read not too long ago. Although, if you are like me and you have nothing to compare it to, it’s easy to arrive at the closest thing in my brain. STAR WARS! After watching 500 Days of Summer, the first thing that popped into my head was Leia’s grudging compliment to Han after he blended the Falcon into hunks of space garbage in Empire Strikes Back. The aforementioned famous quote perfectly describes 500 Days of Summer. It won’t blow your mind, and despite the buzz, it will not win an Oscar. It does have a handful of amusing moments though, not 500 of them, but it does have them.

“This is a story of Boy Meets Girl…The boy, Tom Hanson of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he met the one“

SUMMER: Well you’re a perfectly adequate greeting card writer.

TOM: Thank you, that was actually my nickname in college, they called me “perfectly adequate” Hansen.

SUMMER: They used to call me anal girl.

TOM: (spits out drink)

SUMMER: I was very neat…and organized…

SUMMER: “I wanted to sing ‘Born to Run’ but they didn’t have it.
TOM: I love “Born to Run.”
SUMMER: Me too.
McKENZIE: Tom’s from New Jersey.
SUMMER: Really?
TOM: Yeah I grew up there, I lived there ’til I was 12.
SUMMER: I named my cat after Springsteen.
TOM: OK, what was his name?
SUMMER: “…Bruce…”
TOM: That makes sense.

After they do the horizontal hustle, we hear Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True” kick in. It’s a beautiful sunny day and, Tom, still glowing from his prior accomplishment, checks his hair in a nearby car window. Who appears in his reflection on the glass? Well, it just happened to be the coolest scoundrel ever to come from Corellia, Han Solo himself! I guess when you finally spend the night with the girl you’re in love with, you’re riding so high that you kinda feel like Han Solo is winking back at you. What follows is pretty badass, if you can see how a grandiose, cheesy, ’80s advertisement style dance sequence, replete with random people joining in, hands flailing in the air, a visit from an animated bluerbird, and a marching band would be considered cool. This was the high point of the film for me.

My only issue with 500 Days of Summer lies with the likeability of the characters. It’s not that we have a hard time liking them, it’s quite the opposite. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Tom Hansen, a charismatic underdog who becomes smitten with Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), a sort of enchanting, intangible brunette who ensnares Tom with her natural beauty. Until that point Tom must not have felt the chill of dating such a secluded girl who keeps her personal life and thoughts a mystery. Once you mess with a girl like that you don’t want any part of it again. Watching the emotional ups and downs of our main character falling for this distant girl who isn’t ready to fall in love is frustrating to watch at times. The story is more about how our past relationships shape who we become rather than formulating a typical saccharine Hollywood vehicle. The main theme of the movie is that certain relationships may not survive, but what we take away from them sometimes helps eventually lead us to that sappy kind of true love. Tom just had to pound out some duds before he got to his prize.

By the end of 500 Days, you may find your mind too crammed with frustration to even remember the warning. If you haven’t seen the film, I urge you to heed the tip given before the opening credits: “You should know up front, that this is NOT a love story.” The film does have plenty of scenes gleaming with gratification, but for those of you seeking a fun romcom with wacky hijinks, this shouldn’t be your first choice. 500 Days provides a more realistic look at unrequited love thanks to shining performances from its two talented stars.

Author: sexyarmpit