Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #3

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In past installments of Classic WWF event cards I’ve mentioned my disappointment with attending frequent wrestling shows that lacked A-list wrestlers. Today’s post features an event card that would make any wrestling fan at the time pop big time. In the early to mid ’90s, WWF provided family entertainment but never chinced on the good stuff that the true fans wanted to see.

Let’s take a look at the WWF’s event card which took place at the Meadowlands Arena on May 22nd, 1993. The second I heard that the Hulkster was going to be appearing at a house show in New Jersey, I seriously hulked up. I panicked, and even though the tickets weren’t on sale yet, I felt so nervous that I would miss out. I got great seats and I counted down the seconds until I heard “Real American” blast through the arena. Thanks to Hulk Hogan teaming up with his “bionic brother” Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (they are good friends, not relatives) the Tag Team Championship would be on the line in the MAIN EVENT! It’s rare to see the tag titles up for grabs as the main event of the night but Hogan was the WWF Champ after beating Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9. The Mega Maniacs would be taking on the formidable and experienced champs Money Inc, which comprised IRS (Mike Rotunda) and The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. To ensure order in the match and to lessen the chances of IRS’ mysterious briefcase getting bashed into someone’s skull, Sgt. Slaughter was appointed special guest referee.

Back then, Giant Gonzalez was our massive equivalent to The Great Khali. He was a stone faced gargantuan guy who wore a furry Slim Goodbody unitard. For some strange reason, he would feud with Randy Savage at house shows all over the country.

A good friend of Randy Savage, the late Crush, had an interesting feud with Doink the Clown. You might think for a minute that Crush was in wrestling purgatory for having to participate in such a lampoon of a program against a clown, but that’s not the case. At the time, Doink the Clown wasn’t the silly, corny circus act that we know now. Doink was an evil, twisted clown and his character was actually pretty interesting. Crush was a great babyface and powerful in the ring, yet Doink’s pranks and stunts were effecting the Kona Crush. Surprisingly, this matchup kept the capacity crowd’s attention and was one of the most entertaining matchups on the card.
Click Here to read my tribute to CRUSH!

For days and weeks after the house show, the most surprising moment of the show came when Tatanka beat Razor Ramon. At the lunch table in school the next day my friends asked how the show was and all that burst out of my mouth was “TATANKA BEAT RAZOR RAMON!” Regardless of heels and faces, I had favorites on both sides of the fence. In this instance, Razor Ramon was a heel and Tatanka was a face and new to the WWF. I was fans of both of them but I didn’t think Tatanka would be able to subdue Scott Hall who was one of the best in the business at the time.

The Steiner Brothers vs. The Headshrinkers feud went on for a while and it always brought out some fantastic old school tag team wrestling. The Steiners were made up of sheer power and technical skills while The Headshinkers were uncivilized yet methodical. The Steiners went by the book while the Shrinkers were reminiscent of their Samoan wrestling relatives.

After clucking around as the Red Rooster, Terry Taylor went over to WCW and eventually made his way back to the WWF. Upon his return, he lost the silly gimmick and wrestled as himself. “Terrific” Terry Taylor faced The Rocket Owen Hart who was beginning his solo career sans Koko B. Ware his High Energy teammate.

Considering all the years of punishment and repression Virgil’s character had to go through, I’d love to see a HUGE return by Virgil to squash Randy Orton’s minion Ted DiBiase Jr.

Also, notice the ICO-PRO ad at the bottom? Perhaps Vince should bring this shit back so his wrestlers would stop getting persecuted about taking Steroids: “OUR WRESTLERS TAKE ICO-PRO…SO SHUUUUUT UUUUUPPPPP”

MEME: 20 Men I Admire

Darius Whiteplume from one of my favorite blogs, Adventures in Nerdliness gave me the hot tag on this one. The Dino Lounge started the meme and Retrospace aided and abetted. I’m supposed to tag some other bloggers now:

The sexy and sassy Christine Sixx of Hell on High Heels
Toyriffic
Beauty and the Robeast
The Surfing Pizza
Automatic Daddy

I went totally overboard. According to the title of this borderline fruitily titled meme, it’s intended to be limited to 20 men I admire, but once I started thinking about who I’d like to put on the list I wound up coming up with so many more. They aren’t listed in any specific order.

1) My Dad – He put up with all my bullshit for so many years. He’s taken me to countless wrestling events, KISS concerts, and cheesy movies. He’s supported me, shared in my enthisaism about stuff he probably really doesn’t care about, and always makes sure I have enough food in my fridge. When I was a kid the stuff he did seperated him from my friends dads and other father’s I came in contact with because he would go the extra mile. Every Friday night he’d bring me home a Super hero toy or an LJN wrestling figure and after dinner he’d spend the rest of the night playing action figures with me. On Saturday mornings he would even go so far as to be skeletor with the evil side of the power sword to my He-Man. The best times I shared with my dad were the times when we’d go on a trek to the comic book store, and then I’d help him pick up some groceries. It was simple but we’d talk about everything from The Beatles to the art of pool chlorination and filtration. My Dad is the man. Like Will Ferrel says at his wedding in Old School “…I love you Dad!”

2) Hugh Hefner – Sure it’s nice to have sex with thousands of the most beautiful women on earth at your whim, but there’s another aspect of Hugh that I respect even more and that’s his career. He completed his mission…OK well YES, he did complete his “mission” several thousand times but as far as journalism goes, Hugh is a legend. He transformed a periodical that was deemed pornographic and lewd into not only a worldwide multimillion dollar company, but what people forget is that Playboy is a serious magazine. It’s the pinnacle. I don’t write that to be tongue in cheek, I mean it in the way that Edgar Frog told Sam in The Lost Boys that Batman #14 “…is a serious book man.” Any aspiring journalist would shave their eyebrows and punch themselves in their ball sack for a chance to have even a minor blurb published in Playboy. Tons of men and women read the magazine. It features original fiction, serious news articles, and the BEST interviews you will read ANYWHERE on the planet; they’re better than any interview you’ll see on television or radio. Hugh has lived the life every man has dreamed of, and he’s lived the life every aspiring journalist has dreamed of to infinity.

3) Butch Walker – Butch had his 15 minutes of fame, or should I say 45 minutes of fame in the bands Southgang, Marvelous 3, and The Floyd’s. After going solo several years later he created his own independent label to release his music so he doesn’t have to deal with typical record label bullshit. Butch’s music has never received the accolades it deserves but he keeps doing what he’s the best at. He can write hit songs, play multiple instruments, and perfectly produce music. He’s in control of his own music which means his brilliant music can now be released from his brain to Pro Tools straight to his fans. Butch is also an highly sought after producer and has worked on albums with Avril Lavigne, Pink, The Donnas, All American Rejects ugh…Fall Out Boy, and literally a slew of others.

4) Kevin Smith The goal I had since I was about 8 years old was to become a film director. Once I got past filming a feature about a teen with alcohol addiction, and several years of backyard wrestling events, I moved on to making actual no-budget films. The majority of the shorts and features were comedic but I also made a thriller. During this time, Jersey guy Kevin Smith was hitting big with Clerks, and Mallrats and he reinforced my crazy idea. I thought maybe my aspirations weren’t as ridiculous as they sounded. Smith worked with a low budget on most of his films, put his friends in his films, and created his own View Askewniverse. My friends and family began to think I had more of a shot. Almost 15 years since Clerks, Kevin Smith is only getting better. If you haven’t seen Zack & Miri Make a Porno then GET IT! It’s hysterical! It hits stores on 2/3/09.

5) Johnny Depp – the best person to exist in the universe. I appreciate all of his performances: Jack Sparrow, Ichabod Crane, Cry-Baby, Glen Lantz, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka…etc.

6) Rob Zombie underneath his badass rock star disguise, he’s really a geeky horror movie lover. I’m anxiously awaiting his films Tyrannosaurus Rex and Halloween 2 and the White Zombie box set.

7) Slash – A couple of years after I stopped pretending I was Alex P. Keaton and Marty McFly, I began to go into “Saul Hudson” mode. I would put my GNR t-shirt on, (which I still have) and throw a black t-shirt over my head and pretended it was his hair. I didn’t have a top hat, but cut me some slack…I was 7. While everyone loved Axl and wanted to slink around like he did, I wanted to be the “guitarist with mystique” = Slash. You should definitely read his book if you are at all interested in hard rock from the ’80s.

8) Andy Samberg – Any sketch or digital short or musical piece he’s involved with usually amuses me to no end. Samberg’s Hot Rod gets frequent airtime on my iPod Classic.

9) James Franco – To say James Franco is talented and versatile is an understatement. He is a star. He’s the type of person that I admire because he’s just a laid back kind of guy. He’s hysterical in Pineapple Express, on SNL, and his skits on Funny or Die yet he can be very serious in films like Milk, James Dean, and the Spider Man series.

10) Sebastian Bach – When promoting his starring role in Broadway’s Jekyll and Hyde Sebastian always said he went “from Skid Row to Saville Row.” After Skid Row kicked him out or they broke up, Bach went out on his own. I consider his latest CD Angel Down one of the best hard rock/metal records in the past several years. I saw his performance in Jekyll and Hyde 3 times and it was literally enthralling. If you felt that Heath Ledger embodied the Joker in The Dark Knight, then you would definitely agree that Bach lost himself in the dual role. Bach even won CMT’s Country music competition “Gone Country.” Bach has a big enough name and such a superior voice that he calls the shots in his career. He doesn’t need Skid Row at all. I could care less if he acts like a big dork, he’s a real guy, a major fanboy, and he also lives in Jersey!

11) Seth Mcfarlane – a master of two of my favorite things: animation and voice acting.

12) Barack Obama – no matter your ethnicity or political party, Barack exhibits a natural demeanor, intelligence, and superior speaking skills that may help him go down in history as one of our great presidents.

13) Danny Devito – He’s f’n hysterical whether I’m watching Taxi or Always Sunny. Maybe not so much Tim Burton’s Penguin but I’ll forgive him on that one. Devito is from Neptune, New Jersey.

14) Jon Stewart – All news broadcasts should be cancelled and every channel should simulcast the daily show. It”s like Mary Poppins, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Stewarts humor and cool attitude make news more palatable. You can learn about the serious issues in the world while laughing your ass off.

15) Bobby Ewing – I’m not sure if fictional characters are allowed in this list but who cares?Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy) from Dallas was the classic good guy. He was smart, physically fit, and fiercely loving to his family. As perfect as he seemed, I always appreciated that his character was never without flaws. Bobby was a loose canon and would knock a guy out if he looked at him the wrong way. Most of all, he scored Pam who was super sexy fine.

16) Peter Billingsley – He went from shooting his eye out and wearing a pink bunny suit to producing, directing, and acting in a bunch of big hit movies. You’ll probably be watching him for 24 hours every year on Christmas for the rest of your life.

17) Lorne Michaels – Genius producer and former writer of SNL, (among other movies and television shows).

18) Brian De Palma – In a way, I consider Jersey guy De Palma a revivalist filmmaker. I appreciate his suspenseful tension build ups and how he creates an eerie atmosphere in some of his films. Rather than turn his back on us, he embraces his Jersey roots unlike so many others who “went Hollywood.”

19) Nikki Sixx – The epitome of rock star. He did so many drugs that he died for several seconds, came back, and rocked even harder. He wrote his own book and started several side projects such as Sixx A.M. Sixx has his own clothing line and has scored hot chicks like Donna D’errico and presently Kat Von D.

20) Ted McGinley – The most underrated actor ever. I wish Ted McGinley started to get leading roles in major motion pictures. Just like Tarantino revived Travolta’s career, I plan on morphing Ted into a phoenix.

21) Walt Disney – Disregarding the cash machine that Disney films and theme parks have become, Walt’s original vision was that of childlike wonder. A personal touch was always given by Walt when he used to introduce his own TV shows. He made you feel like you knew him personally. It’s truly amazing how his dream is still being carried out today. I doubt Disney will ever be the company it once was, but Walt’s genius and creativity will resonate forever.

22) Quentin Tarantino – I can’t say I live and die by his films, and I wouldn’t consider him an idol or anything, but I admire Tarantino for his “this is my film and I’m going to make it exactly the way I want it” attitude. Regardless of the fact that he makes films that may not be box office hits, he makes the movies HE WANTS TO SEE. That’s every filmmakers dream. His style and trademarks are borrowed from other eras but when you’re watching one of his films you know it’s Tarantino.

23) Jeff Hardy – It seems to be the time for hardcore fans to finally get their shot at the real deal. Jeff and his brother Matt grew up as hardcore wrestling fans. They wrestled non stop in their yard, cut promos, and filmed themselves. Once they made it to the big time it took several years for them to finally gain the respect they deserve. Jeff is presently the WWE champ and his brother is the ECW champ. From fans to backyard wrestlers to jobbers to WWE champs. It’s the new kind of “Do it yourself” fame. Hard work and dedication actually do pay off.

24) Dane Cook – Same goes for Dane Cook. I got to see him several years before anyone knew his name. Myspace didn’t even exist at the time. He promoted himself and he was in touch with his fans. He gave Hollywood and the media no option but to take notice of him. Through relentlessly touring comedy clubs all over the country and furiously gaining friends on Myspace, Dane carved his own place in comedy history.

25) David Robinson – One of my first real life heroes. David Robinson was a different type of player. He spoke eloquently, he was extremely intelligent, humble, and a standout center for the San Antonio Spurs. He wasn’t a cocky jerk on the court and he was very passionate about his family and religion. It seemed like David could’ve succeeded at anything. He’s retired now, but for many years he was a major role model of mine and even though I shot hoops every day of my life, I would never be a quarter as good as the admiral.

26) Howard Stern – The most influential personality in my entire life. When I was a kid, I would stay up late to watch the channel 9 show and used to record the radio broadcast when I was at school. He was a true inspiration for a radio geek like me.

27) Vince McMahon – The mad genius of the wrestling business. Think what you want about him, but know that the majority of people in the country would have no idea what WWF was if it wasn’t for Vince, his father’s vision, and his partnership with Terry Bollea in the early ’80s.

28) Gene Simmons – I know it’s the most unpopular answer since everyone thinks he’s such a heel but if you think about it, he’s pretty much one of the coolest guys on the planet. His character of the Demon has permeated every facet of pop culture. Should we really fault a guy for his maniacal business savvy? If people keep buying, he’ll keep selling. Don’t you think we’re the culprits?

29) William Zabka – You know him to show “No Mercy.” He’s been called Johnny Lawrence, Greg Tolan, Chas, and Jack from European Vacation. Zabka’s one of the most notorious jerk in all of movies, perhaps only 2nd to Spader.

Others that would’ve made the list if I the title was 50 Men I Admire: Will Ferrel, Michael J Fox, Frank Lloyd Wright, George Carlin, Judd Apatow, Michael Keaton, Mickey Rourke,Bruce Springsteen, Sylvester Stallone, Stanley Kubrick, Bruce Willis

Monster Mini Golf vs. Monster Cable Lawsuit Dropped

Monster Cable, the company that’s quite possibly responsible for manufacturing the HDMI cable running to your flatscreen in your living room, has dropped it’s ridiculous lawsuit against Monster Mini Golf. I had such a fun time at Monster Mini Golf that I uploaded some video I shot when I was there, did a write up, and they sent me some passes for a giveaway here on the Armpit. I know it seems like they’re paying me, but they aren’t!
This was a dispute where Monster Cable felt that the name “Monster Mini Golf” was infringing on their trademark. Check out the Engadget post about it here. What strikes me about this whole dispute is that they never went after Monster Beverages who manufactures energy drinks. Anyone who isn’t high off his ass from a speedball right now can realize that Monster Mini Golf would NEVER be confused with a company that makes super high priced audio/visual cables. Why didn’t they also pick on Monster Ballads while they were at it? For anyone interested, Monster Mini Golf locations can be found all over the country. For a list of them, go here. Meanwhile, if you still have no idea what they are all about, then check out my little Monster montage:

BRUUUUCE! Bruce Springsteen Wins Golden Globe for “The Wrestler”

Congratulations to Bruce Springsteen for winning a Golden Globe for his song “The Wrestler,” featured on the films’ soundtrack! Bruce’s new album Working on a Dream will be released on 1/27. Also, prepare to experience a Jersey style halftime show from Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band on February 1st!

Weird Sopranos Quotes @ Adventures in Nerdliness!

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Darius Whiteplume over at the scrumptious Adventures in Nerdliness is now featuring “Weird Sopranos Quotes” in addition to his other awesome columns like Hotties of Yore, Nerd Girl of Note, and Fiction’s Finest Nerds. Plan to free up some time in your busy schedule in between football playoffs and Star Wars: The Clone Wars reruns because you’re going to need it!

Christmas Gifts: Better Late Than Never

Back in November, I made a Christmas list just like I’ve made every year since I was a little kid. I did NOT make a “Bucket List.” I wanted to make that clear from jump street. I do regret not having the chance to share with you some of the cool stuff I got for Christmas, so let’s hop in the DeLorean, (which I’ve adorned with a festive wreath) blast the modified Huey Lewis song “Three Weeks Back in Time,” and kick it up to 88 mph.
Many of the bloggers I read have offered detailed posts about their haul of gifts they received for Christmas. For me, this year was pretty light as far as quantity goes, but heavy on the quality. The PS3 was the most prestigious gift and one I know I’ll be getting many hours of enjoyment from. I can’t wait for the games DCU OnlineLegends of Wrestlemania, and Ghostbusters to be released for the system. I was also pumped that I got The Dark Knight and Step Brothers on Blu Ray. A few requisite pieces of clothing and several other perennial Christmas gift favorites came my way, and I was happy with everything. I’m not the type of person to not appreciate a gift. I’m happy to be receiving A gift let alone several of them. 
First, let me tell about a couple of books that I unwrapped:
I’m a huge fan of Disneyana so The Walt Disney World Trivia Book by Louis A. Mongello was right up my alley. The first page I opened to gave me a little piece of rock and roll info: Did you know that Steve Tyler and Joe Perry rode the Aerosmith Rockin’ Roller Coaster 12 times when they came to Disney’s Hollywood Studios (MGM) for a preview? These are the kind of tidbits I like to dish out when other people are in a serious conversation about global warming. Seriously, you know the next time you go on that ride you’re going to tell whoever you’re with, or whoever’s in range of hearing your voice. There’s plenty of other obscure facts in the book that’ll definitely make you sound like a Disney expert!

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The next book was a monster called 1,000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die: A Listener’s Life List by Tom Moon.  I love books like this because they often refer me to new songs or artists that I can add to my repertoire. It’s kind of like the feeling a girl gets when she goes into a shoe store, or a place that sells pocket books like the “Pocket Book Emporium.” Take it easy ladies, I just made that up.
I’m not supporting the term that’s presently being shoved down our throats by these brilliant journalists, (even before the movie came out) “bucket lists.” How many more books and magazine article titles can we read that say “…blah blah…BEFORE YOU DIE.” The most beautiful places in the world you MUST SEE BEFORE YOU DIE.”  I feel like I’m in some sort of warped death countdown. Please, we are all already aware that we are going to die someday, but I for one am trying to pretend that that day is still very far away. 
I don’t appreciate that I’m being pressured into thinking that I have to cram in traveling the world, donning my cap in the old Yankee Stadium, and having a 69 with Marisa Tomei while skydiving all before I die. None of those things are going to happen, nor do I even care about experiencing the first two, or even the third for that matter. You see, the 69 would have to take place on the plane before we put on all our gear because it would be too much of a bitch to unzip and tear it all off taking terminal velocity into consideration. When we land, I’m hoping I don’t die before I can parachute right into the parking lot of the local T.G.I Fridays, detach our chutes, and walk in and declaring “hey, we aren’t weird or anything.” After being greeted by the hostess and getting a few strange looks after asking to be seated (as long as we are making our last will and testament, I’ll opt to make the “I just flew in and boy my arms are tired” joke. Marisa bowls over in laughter commenting on how cute and funny I am. She then says something to the effect “Oh my God Jay, the feeling of winning an Oscar is nothing compared to how you make me feel when I’m with you.” Then a group of ’80s looking peeps come over to our booth (I requested the booth cause I’m near death and I feel I deserve special treatment because having a booth is on my bucket list.) Well lookie who we have here! It’s Katrina and the Waves singing Walking on Sunshine, which is a song that miraculously just plays whenever we are enjoying ourselves in any context. Sometimes it just plays when we are in a park, or as a matter of fact, anywhere where there are no speakers or stereo equipment. It’s hard to not continue laughing and purposely do more stuff that’s goofy when the song is playing. We bring all the shenanigans to a gradual close with a poignant kiss, and then we order the fish tacos and share a giant strawberry lemonade.
I’m now hereby referring to it as a “FUCK IT LIST.” You see, it rhymes with bucket! This is the list of times where you say “Ah FUCK IT, I’m going to die anyway right?” If I had a Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coin for every time I’ve heard someone say that I’d have amassed the galaxy’s largest collection of Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coins. Now that’s sure to get this country’s economy right back on track. Just knowing that all of the Prune Face coins are all concentrated in one spot will allow the federal reserve to rest easy rather than to worry that the coins are scattered all over the globe in old basements, toy chests, buried in backyards, or laying at the bottom of a sewer drain.
What was my point with that whole tangent? That bucket lists are moronic, nay…the idea of making a list for personal motivation is fine but why do we constantly have to buy into people’s lame trendy, phrases? What’s on my bucket list? To find the EXACT PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING MADE UP NAME AND KICK THEIR ASS UNTIL THEY OFFICIALLY RELINQUISH THE NAME AND WRITE A NOTARIZED LETTER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA WARNING JOURNALISTS AND COLUMNISTS NEVER, EEEEVVVVER, TO USE THIS TERM AGAAAAAIIINNN!
“…Where’s the Tylenol?” 
Welcome back folks! 

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Perhaps the gift most worthy of mentioning here on The Armpit, just for its sheer appropriateness, was one I gave rather than received. My father and uncle were both recipients of The Sopranos Chianti. If you’re Italian and from Jersey, you are almost certainly a Sopranos fan. Actually, if you are a living, breathing, human with a modicum of

appreciation for good television, then at the very least you should respect the show. You don’t want to see what happens when you disrespect it! 
Even though The Sopranos is gone, it’s spirit can live on in your wine glass during Sunday’s macaroni dinner. It’s pretty much just your basic Chianti, but it’s got an awesome Sopranos sticker on it which makes it fully connected to the show. If the makers of the Sopranos Chianti really wanted to make it something special they would’ve taken a cue from KISS in 1977 when they poured vials of their own blood into the red ink for their first Marvel comic book. All of the actors should’ve donated blood and then we could truly “drink in” the show. I’m messing with you, I obviously don’t have any interest in drinking blood! Well, I guess only if I was allowed to perform a bass solo, spit the blood out all over the place and wag my tongue. That’s 2 KISS mentions in one paragraph! Gene you now owe me $0.03 cents fucker!
My dad went all out this year and found a classic Christmas gift for me. He got me this really sharp Armitron Batman watch:

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This watch is a perfect gift for me since I’m a huge bat-fan. Some other Batman watches I’ve seen don’t possess the same quality or look as badass as this one. The watch is reasonably priced on Amazon.
As always, I had a highly enjoyable Christmas and I was treated tremendously. I know I’m getting old when I start saying stuff like “Christmas isn’t about the gifts,” and “I’m just happy to be together with the family.” No, in all seriousness, Fah who-for-aze and all that kind of stuff! I can’t wait ’til next year!

Film Review: The Spirit

“…I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet…but your kids are gonna love it!” – Marty McFly, Back to the Future (1985)

It looks like the public just wasn’t ready for an over the top spectacle like The Spirit. Screw The Dark Knight for ruining chances of another comic book themed film achieving any sort of success! I am fresh off seeing The Spirit and my first reaction is that it traveled right over people’s heads. The storytelling in the film isn’t typical, and it’s appearance isn’t easy to adjust to, but I found these aspects enhanced what might’ve otherwise been a generic film based on a lesser known comic book character. 
Gabriel Macht was a perfect choice for The Spirit, and pretty much seems like he could play ANY super hero for that matter and knock the role out of the ball park. The role was campier than I expected, but also serious, and thankfully not too serious. For guys at least, the eye candy is tremendous. We get to see Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson (among others) glam it up in old school style as they fog up the screen seductively. If you’re not convinced yet, The Spirit contains one HOT fleeting Eva Mendes ass-shot which I found to be highly agreeable. But if for some reason you’re not into hot ass shots and Scarlett Johansson’s voluptuous…uh…lips, then by all means, go and enjoy the fine work of Samuel L. Jackson as The Octopus! Even though Samuel L. will be Samuel L. whether he’s playing Jules Winnfield or Mace Windu, it really doesn’t matter because he’s just a lot of fun to watch because he enjoys his job so much. 
Don’t go into it expecting Superman, or Iron Man, because this is a very different film. The Spirit is highly stylized and at first you aren’t sure if you’re supposed to laugh or cringe. When in doubt, laugh! This is a movie based off a comic book dammit! I’ve read critics’ reviews that have bashed this film for every detail including “I didn’t like the fact that The Spirit had to punch Octopus so many times.” Are you kidding me? If you can’t handle how a comic book would look on the big screen, then don’t waste your time. This is a comic book movie etched in retro style that isn’t brooding and marinated in realism, so if that appeals to you, I suggest you see The Spirit before it disappears from theaters. Well, I’m not pressuring you to go to the theater of course, especially since the DVD will probably get released in a few weeks. Still, I plunked down the cash to see it and I’ll definitely be shelling out more when it hits on Blu-Ray.

Nocturna Mission #4

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As part of my 4th Nocturna Mission, let’s take a look at Detective Comics #547 from February, 1985. 
This issue’s cover is yet another classic Batman comic book cover. The background color, even though faded in this scan, is very eye catching in contrast with the light blue and white Batman logo. The blood orange background color makes this issue seem like a great companion to the earlier installment, Detective Comics #543, which shares a similiar background color.
My curiosity surged as I wondered why Batman would be revealing his secret identity to Commissioner Gordon and Harvey Bullock. Even more of a conundrum was the gang’s response of “You?!?” Settle down kids…It wasn’t Lance Bass under that cowl, but there was a Batman imposter like there’s been many times before.

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In this panel we learn that Nocturna has a penthouse. I can’t help but make the adult magazine comparison and hope that one day Penthouse realizes the goldmine that is Cosplay. Get some hot skanky broads to dress up as some super hero chicks and villains. Perhaps one of them can be a certain ghostly white mistress of the night? Do it Bob! I SWARE you’ll be seeing sales in the range of the Vanessa Williams issue.
“Finding Nocturna and Jason was a nasty surprise” Now, if that’s not the kinkiest thing Batman’s ever said! Here we see Nocturna cheating on Batman with that rotten, no good, weasly Jason Todd. They weren’t just messing around either! That was some good ol’ S&M they’re getting into, they were bound and tied to chairs! I wonder how many seconds later “The Gimp” entered the room?

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Oh Crap. You know it’s the ’80s when Batman’s rocking a finely manicured goatee…oh wait…it’s not really Batman, it’s actually Anton Knight/Night-Slayer, Natalia Knight’s bro. Natalia looks just as savvy as Batman and Robin on those grappling hooks, but her legs are way hotter. If you glance at this panel really fast it looks like Robin is out on patrol with Elvira. I could do without Nocturna’s queer choice of ballet slippers though. 

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According to this panel Batman apparently starred in some late ’70s Blaxploitation films. That Batman is Baadasss! Either that or he’s actually motivational speaker Tony Robbins when he was rockin’ that insane goatee.  He encouraged it to grow and it did…and you can do the same! All you have to do is persevere. 
In the top left of this next panel, Nocturna’s showing off her serious set of moves moves specifically the superkick or “sweet chin music,” that she blatantly stole from Shawn Michaels. Better yet, this is action that should’ve showed up in the Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game if the game developers had any clue as to what the people really wanted:

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If Nocturna was in that damn video game I would’ve bought it. If you’ve got some sort of code to make her magically appear, for the love of God please post it in the comments section. I’m sure many of you have already made her appear in the game taking on Kitana in a silky bathrobe wearing nothing underneath but a few dabs of that fancy fragrance Coco Chanel. I hear she doesn’t leave her penthouse without putting it on, but between you and me, I’m fairly certain that she buys the knockoff bottle from the mall kiosk. She claims you can’t tell the difference, but then again, she also wears cubic zirconia jewelery.
Whoa, whoa…”I know your every move intimately” ?? That’s borderline Luke/Leia makeout scene. You know what they say in Gotham City, nobody’s more of a player than Nocturna’s brother Night-SlayerThere she goes with the cheap costume jewelry again. Nocturna removes her plastic, yellow, star earring that she bought earlier that day at Claire’s in the lower level of the Gotham Center Mall (right near the women’s knockoff fragrance kiosk) and chucks it at her bro’s chestplate. Now take that cowl off Anton, you look ridiculous!

Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #2

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For the 2nd installment of Classic WWF Cards we go back to July 7th, 1988. I didn’t expect much this time since the event took place at a local high school. For those of you not from around here, Perth Amboy isn’t necessarily the ritziest town, but then again it’s not that much better than the swamp the Meadowlands is built on.

Nearly one year later from our last installment of Classic WWF cards, Dangerous Danny Davis is still feuding with George “The Animal” Steele. It goes to show how long feuds used to last and how the WWF would squeeze every drop of excitement out of them that they could. I believe George Steele consumed 433 lbs. of turnbuckle padding during this feud.

Our local son Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Haku is one of those matches that doesn’t sound spectacular at first, but turned out to be one of the more exciting on the card. Those two wrestlers always managed to exceed expectations. When Haku went out on his own I thought, “O h g r e a t h e’ll t a k e t h e w r e stling w o r l d b y st o rm for s u r e.” in my most dry, sarcastic inner tone. I didn’t care much about Haku unless he was tag-teaming with Tama in The Islanders. On the other hand, the late Bam Bam always intrigued me since he carried a lot of weight, but was super quick and agile. Seeing him come down to the ring, menacing, with flames on his outfit and his bald head all tattooed up was quite a sight. His cartwheels and diving headbutts made for an entertaining attraction, although he remained underrated throughout his career.

I never caught one of Leaping Lanny Poffo’s frisbees, and as gay as it sounds, I always wanted to. I don’t know if it was because I just wanted to catch something thrown from a wrestler in the ring, or if it was really because I thought it was a cool concept. Printing a poem he wrote on a frisbee and throwing it out to the crowd: cool or uncool? Nowadays it seems like an insanely silly idea, but at the time it was fun for the kids. Poffo’s later turn as The Genius seemed to have been more successful, but nowhere near the caliber of success that his brother “Macho Man” Randy Savage attained.

The card is finalized with a statement that throws salt in the wound: All NON-Title Matches! Regardless of the lack of headlining WWF superstars, I fondly recall my dad taking me to this event and having an awesome time. We sat only a few rows from the ring with a seat near the entrance, so I got to slap some of the wrestler’s hands. Be quiet…it’s thrilling for a young wrestling fan.