A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
No one should have ever let this happen. On October 8th, 1993, the still new Fox show The X-Files aired it’s 5th episode “The Jersey Devil.” It’s an episode that will go down in infamy as not only the worst X-Files episode of all time, but the worst episode of any television show in the history of the universe. If that sounds too preposterous to you, you MUST go back and watch this episode. It’s streaming on Netflix if you are so inclined.
Thankfully, I only watched this episode a couple of weeks ago so I haven’t lived 19 years with the terrible memories it. I’ve been stewing over it since I watched it because it made me so furiously angry and confused. I couldn’t understand how such an embarrassing episode was green-lit to actually air on TV. I think I may have only watched one or two X-Files episodes in my entire life, but this was not one of them.
There are so many things wrong with the episode. I’ll try to sum them up as briefly as possible for you. First of all, the plot was inaccurate and completely dumb. Here it is in a nutshell: A naked savage beast woman is THE JERSEY DEVIL. She normally lives in the Pine Barrens, but sometimes she goes to Atlantic City, no not on a senior bus trip, but on foot, and pillages the makeshift forts of HOMELESS people that seemed to comprise the entire span of Atlantic City. There’s been a report of a grisly murder in the Pine Barrens and Mulder wants the case so bad that he risks his life and his job to make it happen.
Eventually, beast woman of the Pines has a run in with Mulder (David Duchovny) but she eludes him. He then becomes obsessed with trying to track her down and apprehend her. After the nude savage cannibalistic beast woman goes and steals food from the garbage and terrorizes the homeless peeps of A.C, she stops at the Pool at Harrah’s to fist pump with DJ Pauly D. Ok, so that’s not how it went, but that would’ve been a way funnier story.
Beyond the plot there were other problems with this show. I couldn’t get over how bland the acting was. I realize there was supposed to be a certain chemistry between Mulder and Scully, but DAMN it was non-existent! Like George Carlin once said, “I’d rather watch flies f*ck” than watch these two interact with each other on the small screen. Duchovny’s acting seems to channel offbeat actors like Jeff Goldblum, but Goldblum’s idiosyncrasies and like-ability push him into the stratosphere while Duchovny acts like he’s a full frontal lobotomy patient. He’s monotone, and facially paralyzed. I realize some people worship this guy, but in this specific episode he made me question why he’s even an actor.
Wikipedia ALSO notes that The Jersey Devil episode was “Pretty Silly,” and you know if Wikipedia says it, it’s 100% true! It comes down to this question: what does the Jersey Devil really look like? This episode will lead you to believe that J.D is a naked woman who lives in the woods, has animalistic tendencies, will kill people, eat garbage, and shoots down to A.C every now and again because there’s better tasting trash there.
Local myths legends are open to our interpretation, and I get that. It’s just that I believe if the Jersey Devil is going to be portrayed, he should be as scary and ferocious as many artists and accounts have described him over the years. And yes, something tells me it’s a HE, not a she.
What was that? You’re a fanatical X-Files fan and you are outright livid that I am insulting your blessed show? The X-Files obviously has a rabid fan base and this episode isn’t a classic example of how good it may have been. But don’t even bother defending the craptastic “Jersey Devil” episode. That’s not even a good silly adjective for it because most times things that are craptastic are actually good in a very crappy way, this one is soooo the complete opposite. Beware!
Nearly 2 years after The Fighter hit theaters, both of its stars are still enjoying huge success. This summer, Mark Wahlberg scored big with Ted and obviously Christian Bale tossed the batarang out of the park with his powerhouse portrayal of Batman in The Dark Knight Rises. Previous to those blockbusters, as “Irish” Micky Ward and his half brother Dicky Eklund, Wahlberg and Bale give us the performances of their careers in The Fighter.
Most of The Fighter was filmed in Massachusetts, but one early pivotal scene was set in Atlantic City. Micky, a welterweight, was set to fight an opponent in his weight class, but a middleweight fighter who was 20 pounds heavier than him replaced the original opponent at the last minute. *SPOILER* Micky gets his ass beat. Micky’s actual match did indeed go down at the first casino hotel in Atlantic City: Resorts, but IMDB does not list Atlantic City as one of the filming locations so I doubt that this scene was filmed in New Jersey. They just merely slapped the Resorts turnbuckle on the ring and BAM! We’re magically whisked away down to Atlantic City in no time.
As far as I’m concerned, the film should’ve won best picture, but it did take home both the awards for best supporting actor and actress. Amy Adams isn’t hard to look at either.
If you aren’t familiar with this, there is quite a lot of evidence to prove that Batman actually operates out of New Jersey rather than New York. The trend seemed to start in the mid to late ’80s and early ’90s. As I detailed in the original post there were several occasions that dropped clues and even blatant facts that Gotham was indeed meant to be in NJ. Now, with the release of The Dark Knight Rises upon us, there’s even more of a reason to finally let go of the past and embrace change.
New York City is the greatest city in the world, there’s no doubt about it. It’s sickening amount of notoriety and fame will last eons. Let us, The Garden State, be proud of our connection with Batman – whether it’s a theory of an underground blogger or not. We in Jersey didn’t ask for MTV’s Jersey Shore. How much do you like guidos? That’s exactly how much New Jersey likes them. No silly MTV show being filmed here can ever compare to the fact that The Dark Knight Rises was filmed literally right down the highway in Newark, NJ.
Onto the further evidence that has been collected. I initially discovered this information back in December 2011, but I kept this one under wraps until we arrived at July 2012, in time for the premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. The excellent horror blogger and movie reviewer Chuck Conry over at Zombies Don’t Run posted several pictures he found of a package containing promotional materials from The Dark Knight Rises marketing campaign. The package included a Bane T-Shirt as well as a map of Gotham. Posted above is a shot of this map that depicts a very familiar HOOK.
I’m not referring to Captain Hook or the memorable part of a song…I’m talking about my favorite barrier island: Sandy Hook. Sandy Hook is clearly labeled on the promo Gotham map. While this is simply Batman’s movie continuity, there’s still lots of clues in the comics as well. Take for instance Nightwing’s ‘hood, Bludhaven. The crime infested city has been pinpointed by DC Comics as southern New Jersey, possibly Little Egg Harbor, Brigantine, or Atlantic City. There we have hints in the movies and the comics, but what about the ’60s Batman TV show? Yep, we have that covered as well!
In New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments 27 you can read how BATMAN AND NEW GUERNSEY are PURRRFECT TOGETHER!!!
I don’t think you can argue with the piece of evidence posted above. If I convinced my man Eric and his young daughter from all the way across the country in Cali into believers, then that means it’s the real deal! Follow him on Twitter Twitter.com/BubbaShelby ! And if all of my research has proven true, then The Dark Knight Rises is truly a homecoming for Batman. Please feel free to weigh in with your opinion on the actual location of Gotham City!
Wawa
If you’re from Pennsylvania or New Jersey then you are most likely familiar with the greatness of Wawa. During our recent trip to Wildwood, Miss Sexy Armpit and I stopped at the Doo-Wop styled Wawa to get our favorite sweet cream cheese stuffed pretzels that they make. I’m not a big preztel guy, but this thing is so delicious. I also ordered a banana smoothie which was very simple: it’s basically made of ice, a dairy blend, and 2 bananas. It’s the best banana smoothie ever. If you are lucky enough to have a Wawa by you they also sell all kinds of coffee, subs, breakfast sandwiches, and some of the best iced tea around.
Men’s Room – House of Blues, Atlantic City
Usually going to a public bathroom isn’t too exciting unless you’re going in there for purposes other than actually using the facilities. While it’s not anything as upscale as the Borgata or Water Club, the
Fixation with 1980s Burger King
Unlike most of my friends when I was growing up I always preferred Burger King over McDonalds. My Dad used to take me to the BK at the old pre-90s Menlo Park Mall and I absolutely loved every second of it. To say I miss the old look of the exterior of BK is an understatement. I wish they’d bring back their old logo and the uncreepy version of the Burger King who did magic tricks. I still have my BK doll with the “incredible” disappearing hamburger trick.
Squinkies
I did the best I could. Actually I’m lying. I didn’t. I gave a feeble attempt at resisting Squinkies but I just couldn’t do it. It’s not an all out obsession either. I’m not even interested in the G.I Joe or Star Wars Squinkies – only the WWE series. A couple of my favorites are pictured above, heading in to get some Whoppers at my ’80s BK model. For being such minute bits of rubber they are highly detailed with comical and often flat out absurd facial expressions and likenesses of the real wrestlers. They remind me of the simple and stupid crap toys from the red nickel machines (or are they quarter machines now?) you see when exiting Toys R Us.
The Keaton’s trip to Atlantic City didn’t quite reach the levels of hilarity that The Griswald’s Vegas Vacation did, but this trip took place 13 years before that and still it was still a lot of fun.
I watched Family Ties religiously as a kid and now I’m getting a chance to view some of my favorites all over again thanks to Netflix who offers every season streaming. Let’s look back at Family Ties Season 3 opener “The Gambler” that originally aired on September 20th, 1984. The episode saw The Keaton family make their way from Ohio to Atlantic City in order for Elyse to give a speech at an architect’s convention. Elyse’s speech gets tossed aside when a new she gets caught up in a new past time.
Alex has developed a new gambling system called “The Alex Keaton Blackjack System” and he claims it’s “the work of a genius.” He’s pushing his parents to use the system (which he printed out in little booklets for them) at the tables once they get to the casino. Stuffy Elyse has no interest in gambling and she even tells her husband Steven that gambling is like throwing money away.
Elyse was more interested in the tourist aspect of Atlantic City rather than the abundant gambling opportunities. She explained to Alex that A.C is “the most exciting place on the east coast. It’s so rich in history, the old hotels, the beaches, the boardwalk.” “Gambling, mom don’t forget gambling!” Alex replied.
They get down to the hotel and Alex finally convinces his mom to go down to the casino and take a shot at some blackjack. Before they head down, Jennifer asks if they can order some room service. What was odd about the writing in this part of the episode is that although Elyse tells Mallory that maybe they will all get tickets to go see Tom Jones, right afterward she tells Jennifer that she can’t order room service because it’s too expensive. Was Elyse already beginning her descent into the dark underbelly of America’s Playground? The blonde bleeding heart mom was refusing her youngest (at that point) and hungriest child a meal, but she was all geared up to shell out wads of cash for Tom Jones? Where were her priorities? “What’s New Pussycast” or “What’s Wrong With My Malnourished Child?” It didn’t take long until the flashy and vibrant allure of Atlantic City broke Elyse’s will. Once she started winning she grew mystified. She was overcome by temptation and she kept winning. How could she quit now?
One of the reasons that I appreciated Family Ties was because its humor was smarter than many other shows of its time. It was amusing to see Elyse develop into a degenerate gambler because she is the last character you’d expect that to happen to. The fact that her son egged her on with a full methodized gambling plan laid out for her was quintessential Alex Keaton. At one point during Elyse’s blackjack binge, she tells Steven that she wants to move down to A.C and the kids can go to school “right here in the casino.” “They can learn the 3 R’s reading, writing and roulette!” Steven added sarcastically. Ah that’s good shit. They don’t make shows like this anymore. As much as I loved the humor in the show, naturally, the resolution was cheesy, as most sitcoms were back then. Ultimately, Elyse wins back all the money she wound up losing (and then some) and decides to give it to a midnight Church mission.
While the episode focused on what became a serious gambling addiction, Atlantic City has risen from some dark times and emerged as a much more family friendly trip than Las Vegas. If your young kids really want to complete their collection of cards advertising strip clubs or coupons for escort services, just bring ’em to Vegas! The streets aren’t littered with them! Of course I’m being facetious, but you won’t see any of that stuff on the A.C boardwalk or outside of its casinos. There may be a lot of weirdos on the A.C boardwalk, but that’s typical of most boardwalks worth walking.
Jersey girls should heed this episode as a warning. I know so many of you have this overwhelming desire to go to AC and gamble. Take it from Elyse Keaton and cash out while you are ahead so you can feed your starving children.
*Trivia Alert – In this episode, Elyse sticks Mallory with the task of presenting her speech. Later, Mallory comes back with a woman from the convention who has a question for Elyse about the relative advantages of wind power over solar power. That line hit me because it sounded like some kind of weird premonition on the part of the writers. Atlantic City opened the first coastal wind farm in the U.S about 20 years later in 2005 consisting of five huge wind turbines. WEIRD RIGHT?
604 Republic offers “gear for every geek,” but for some reason tonight’s ingenious tee is not available anywhere on their site. And after checking out the site, I’m not sure how the Bootleg Wars: Boardwalk Empire tee design merely has a GOOD rating. That’s absurd! If there was a kickass option then I think that’s the proper vote. The mash-up that artist, Ken Oliver, came up with is so awesomely wacky! On the gray, black, and yellow design, Darth Vader is looking spiffy as Nucky Thompson, and the Stormtroopers are dressed as gangsters, while the Death Star looms in the distance.
Finally at almost 11 O’Clock there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my seat to see the spectacle on stage. The colored lights cut through the fog and beamed on the breast of a retro raven haired siren. With her kinetic energy and ability to arouse, I knew in a minute it must be Alexis Krauss. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a wall of Marshall amps and 2 blazing guitarists, Derek and Jason.
Every song dropped a barrage of beats provided by a DJ on the side of the stage. The songs pumped into me like bullets. Sleigh Bells blasted into tracks from both of their albums Treats, and Reign of Terror, including the head bopping “Kids,” their latest track, “Comeback Kid,” “Tell ‘Em,” “Treats” “Infinity Guitars,” “Rill Rill,” and “Riot Rhythm.”
The band amped the crowd up with these supercharged songs. During “Rill Rill,” after basically falling off the stage trying to get down from it, Krauss dove onto the raised hands of the audience as they floated her around for a bit. After their last song, Krauss got back on the mic and thanked everyone and also threw in a little tongue in cheek tidbit about herself for those of us keeping track, “This is the first first stage I ever fell off…” I say make the t-shirt! I WAS THERE WHEN ALEXIS KRAUSS FELL OFF THE F’N STAGE AT H.O.B ATLANTIC CITY!
Sleigh Bells LIVE sounds even better than on an iPod. It’s hard to capture their juxtaposition of madness and etherealness merely via earbuds. Sometimes bands’ live performances are disappointing when you go into a show expecting to hear the songs the way you know them from their studio album, but Sleigh Bells replicates their songs flawlessly. Krauss’ dancing, the barrage of lights, and all the guitar shredding only served to enhance the songs and create a totally exhilarating experience.
If you can only wrap you’re head around music from the contestants of American Idol, then Sleigh Bells may not be for you. The band skillfully mixes pure modern pop hooks with an enormous rock sound and an electro hip-hop cheerleader vibe. You get all that?
Do you remember hearing Guns ‘n’ Roses, The Beastie Boys and Nirvana for the first time? All very different bands, but they were huge game changers. They made you take notice, they made you want to listen to the same album over and over and over again. Sleigh Bells has become the most recent band to make me want to listen to their tracks on loop. Their musical approach is fresh and surprising. Their two albums are constructed with a zigzag of minimalism, melody, and riffs, all layered with lush harmonies throughout.
After their show at House of Blues in Atlantic City, seeing Sleigh Bells LIVE again is a must, but I’ll have to wait until to they come back to New Jersey! Chances are, they will be back again sometime soon since Krauss is a Jersey girl and a future Garden State Playmate, no doubt!
Before the traditional ending, let me say that House of Blues A.C is one of the coolest venues to see a show in Atlantic City. It’s right on the boardwalk and has a real rock and roll vibe where Sleigh Bells knocked me out with their brilliant high powered stage show. They are on tour now so I recommend checking them out next time they come to your area, and until then…to all a good night!
Always Turned On never appealed to me. It was supposed to be edgy because of the double entendre, but didn’t sufficiently evoke the energy of the city. It was weak and fell flat. This year, A.C’s marketing brain trust came up with a new campaign, DO A.C, which is simpler and more effective. The new DO A.C commercials are enticing and I’m glad they finally formulated a memorable slogan.
I had a hard time adjusting to it at first because it seemed a little generic, but compared to it’s older and wordier predecessor it has a much better capability of going viral, such as a on bumper stickers, billboards, and t-shirts. Although I’m in favor of the new campaign, they can’t please everyone since this editorial is pissed to see the old slogan go. Would you have thought that tourism slogans meant that much to people? Apparently to Donna Andersen, they mean a lot – and I’m writing a post about it as well, so go figure.
Always Turned On is old hat (or shirt in this case), but the retro vibe of this t-shirt is enhanced with the addition of the already nostalgic slogan. It’s apparent that the tag line works best when paired with a Jersey girl sunbathing on the beach!
Check out Solid Threads new Spring clothing line in their Hoboken store or online.