Futurama’s Got Jokes 2

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Jersey is again the punchline of a joke in a Futurama episode. Fry and Bender decide to become roommates in “I, Roommate,” episode 3 of season 1 which originally aired in April of 1999.

It’s decided by the group that Fry has to move out since he’s being a slob and fouling up the business. They have no choice but to kick him out. After Fry moves into Bender’s apartment that’s as small as a closet, they set out on a search for a new apartment for the both of them.
During a montage of clips showing the duo’s quest for a new place to live, we see them go through all kinds of weird places including one apartment that turned out to be an MC Escher painting come to life. 
But the moment Fry visits an apartment that looks suspiciously perfect, he’s in disbelief as the realtor shows them around.

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FRY: “Well I give up…what’s the catch?”
REALTOR: “Oh, no catch, although we are technically in New Jersey.”
Immediately after seeing the New Jersey apartment he was convinced they exhausted all their options. Fry determines that he hasn’t looked at “one place even remotely livable.” Eventually, the odd pair are able to move into the apartment of one of Professor Farnsworth’s recently deceased colleagues.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 82: High Hopes

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My Amazon wish list is a junkyard of DVDs that nobody wants. I’ve got the weirdest shit on that list. The DVDs just sit there, unbought. For years! I have over five hundred movies on there, enough that 10 people probably couldn’t get through them in their entire lifetimes. But somehow I think I will one day. Or, I just like to pay a minimal amount of attention to the lesser known efforts. Some are B-movies, some are forgotten comedies, most of them are cheesy, but only one of them features Parker Lewis having a run in with Diamond Dallas Page.

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Buying this unfortunate film was completely out of the question. So, I did what any B-film curious movie lover would do…I checked Netflix. Sure enough, HIGH HOPES (2006) popped right up as being available for streaming! I started feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and off my wish list.

The plot is pretty standard late night cable comedy fare. A group of guys are attempt to get their movie financed and they bank on their friends movie star girlfriend to star in it and then she breaks up with the guy so they are up the creek. Blah, blah, you could figure out all the wacky hijinks that ensue as they try to accomplish their goal. The cast is made up of actors who will probably charge you an exorbitant amount for an autograph at the next Monster Mania Con.

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And no, I wasn’t joking, Corin Nemec does indeed have a run in with former pro wrestler DDP. Geez, doesn’t he know not to refer to DDP as a pimp? I really loved Parker Lewis Can’t Lose when I was a kid. Of course, now it’s trendy to claim that with all the hard- ons out there for ’90s nostalgia. It’s good to see he’s still getting acting jobs. He must still synchronize swatches previous to his auditions. Boy I’ll tell you who this movie could’ve used…TV’s Ferris Bueller CHARLIE SCHLATTER! But perhaps even more of a coup was the decision to cast one half of our local stoner tag team, Jason Mewes. (Check out his awesome New Jersey t-shirt pictured above.) If you’re a Jay and Silent Bob fan, this film won’t be such a stretch for you. There’s many variations on Jason Mewes getting stoned such as the one that will warm your heart: Jason Mewes getting a deaf mute guy stoned. You’ll also see Dany Trejo whose company Trejo 4.0 also co-produced the film which probably explains why his friend from Point Pleasant NJ, DDP had a cameo. Previously, they both appeared together in The Devil’s Rejects.

There are many worse low budget comedies on my wish list than High Hopes. I hope to continue gradually eliminating the crap from it. I gave the film a chance, but for you it just comes down to deciding if you want to part with an hour and a half of your life which will be dedicated to watching a movie which cast includes David Faustino and the kid who played Alex in Head of the Class. You really have to be a lover of the obscure ones, or just completely desperate for something to watch. Here’s my final verdict: Less Dick as in Andy Dick and more of that Lacey stuff…I mean Lacey Chabert.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.57: The Hurricane

The Hurricane MovieAs I sit at my computer I can barely concentrate due to the violent winds firing a barrage of liquid bullets at my windows. Weather reports have supposedly downgraded the storm but it seems like we are experiencing a full fledged hurricane. The President and Governor have declared a state of emergency in New Jersey and the surrounding areas. About a million people have evacuated our shore towns. Casinos have been shut down for only the 3rd time in over 30 years. So, while I still have power and Internet service, I’d like to recommend some appropriate viewing in case you are looking for something to watch since you’re probably stuck indoors for the next day or so.

Despite accusations of it not being absolutely historically accurate, I still recommend you check out 1999’s “The Hurricane,” which features another first rate performance by Denzel Washington. Washington was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor and also took home a Golden Globe award for his work in the film and his turn was also lauded by Roger Ebert as being “on a par with his work in Malcom X.”

The biographical film of middleweight boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter’s life works best if you aren’t too familiar with his unfortunate story. Carter was wrongly convicted for a murder in Paterson, New Jersey in 1966 and spent 20 years in prison for it. It’s a compelling and tense drama filled with emotional performances and engrossing boxing sequences. The film also stars Deborah Unger, Liev Schreiber, Rod Steiger, Dan Hedaya, David Paymer, Debbi Morgan, and Vincent Pastore.

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A few interesting facts about the film:

– Bob Dylan’s 1975 protest song “Hurricane” is featured on the soundtrack and according to Wikipedia, Dylan visited Carter in prison and later wrote the song.

– Thanks to the film’s IMDB profile, the filming locations included East Jersey State Prison (Rahway Prison), Paterson NJ, and Trenton NJ.

– The picture of Malcolm X used in the film is actually a picture of Denzel Washington from the film Malcolm X.

Last Exit In New Jersey by C.E Grundler – My Summer Reading

Back in middle school I remember absolutely dreading summer reading assignments. That dread slowly subsided as some of my friends and even myself grew to discover that it’s actually enjoyable to read voluntarily. Of course I’m being facetious, but I do know a lot of people who don’t read at all. Even my best friend would prefer not to read The Sexy Armpit because reading is just too much of a task. Part of me agrees with him, but only in the sense that there are so many other enticing diversions out there that don’t take as long.

It’s super quick to turn on Netflix and start watching a movie, a perfect past time for the lazy man. Not to say you are lazy because you watch Netflix, but there’s definitely a possibility that you are lazy if you hate to read and love watching Netflix. For me, reading is the last chance in this world to conjure up my own visuals in my head. If you think a character in a book looks a certain way, then that’s the character. Of course you might be in for some major disappointment when filmmakers cast Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison in the movie version.

In the end, none of this hinders me from reading. Whether it’s a comic book, a pop culture manifesto, or a thriller, I do still read and I don’t even own a Kindle! Imagine that?!?! Reading without an electronic device, what will they think of next? Which brings me to my summer reading.
Even though I’m in the early stages of it, I’m already hooked on Last Exit In New Jersey, a thriller by C.E Grundler. C.E is not only a superb author, but she also recently discovered The Sexy Armpit and graces us with her presence often! Last Exit in New Jersey is the type of book that will keep you turning the page to see what happens next. Click on the link below to purchase at a reasonable price:

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.55: Nearing Grace

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Scott Sommer’s 1979 novel Nearing’s Grace may have had more impact back then, especially to a young teen male audience. I would wager that more male teens read books back then, before being inundated with computers, video games, and porn in the mid ’90s. The 2005 film adaptation Nearing Grace is set in South Orange, NJ, so as Dr. Evil would say, I’m going to “…throw it a frickin’ bone.” All you need to know about this film lies in that cheesy, overused, but awfully accurate movie description, “a coming of age tale.”

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It’s 1978 and Henry Nearing is a teen coping with the loss of his mother. Since his father and brother are drinking and abusing drugs to cope with her death, the only shoulder he has to lean on is the girl next door. Ashley Johnson, the actress who made me want to plant the remote control into my skull as little Chrissy Seaver on Growing Pains, plays Merna, a girl who adores Henry. She’s his loyal friend and has always been there for him, but Henry’s got a boner for Grace (Jordana Brewster of Fast and the Furious) who he thinks is hot, mysterious, and exciting, but is basically a total skank. Look, we all make the mistake of falling for the wrong person, Henry was just thinking with his dick.

The story was not compelling which translated to a bland film. It’s hard to blame director Rick Rosenthal (Halloween II, Halloween Resurrection, Smallville) since the film seems to be faithful to the novel. Even though I’ve never read the book, the entire film gave me a sense that it had to have been based off a book. I wanted desperately for the film to be one of those cool undiscovered gems, but it lacked a certain edge that other films and TV shows set in the ’70s have. For instance Almost Famous, Dazed and Confused, and even That ’70s Show, all evoked the vibe of that era. I’m not the only one who felt this way. In an October 16th 2006 review, Morgan-23 on IMDB “…didn’t feel one way or another about it.”

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Nearing Grace does offer a heartwrenching performance by David Morse (Disturbia) as Henry’s father, and the kid from BIG, David Moscow, seemed to be channeling Jeff Spicoli as Henry’s stoner brother. The real highlight of the film is the fantastic soundtrack. Unfortunately it doesn’t rescue this film from the depths of downerville. You’ll hear The Kinks, The Ramones, Tommy James and The Shondells, and The Velvet Underground among other bands.

For a teen drama set in the late ’70s Nearing Grace is everything it sets out to be. The only thing it’s not is fun. I would recommend this one only if you were an angsty teen back in the late ’70s OR Jordana Brewster gives you rumblings in your utility belt. And for those interested in the New Jersey aspect of the film, it’s very slight and lacks authenticity because it was actually filmed in Portland, Oregon.

Arcades In The ’80s – We Went OUT To Play Video Games!

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 Chuck E. Cheese’s in New Jersey – 1984 (Photo from Sulaco99)
I found Sulaco99‘s photo in the Flickr Pool: Growing Up In Arcades 1979-1989

It’s impossible not to sound super old when talking about arcades. Kids nowadays get a big laugh out of the fact that we used to actually go out to an arcade to play video games. Even though most of us eventually had an Atari home system growing up, we still blew our pocket full of quarters in the ominous looking Star Wars Arcade game at the local Space Port in the mall – at least I know I did! The ultra high tech, home based and portable video games of today are no longer the multi-faceted sensory ritual they used to be in the ’80s.

Even though video games have evolved so much from a technical aspect, they are no longer the full blown experience they once were. Sure, new games can immerse us into the creepily realistic world of a first person shooter on X-Box or PS3, with 3-D graphics that will make us question whether we’re in our living room or some chemical plant fighting bad guys, but it’s not the same. Nothing can compare to the feeling I used to get before hopping into the Space Harrier arcade game at RazMaTazz in Sayreville, NJ!

In the arcade, so much care was put into designing the game cabinets that housed the screen, joystick, and buttons. If the artwork on the side panels wasn’t elaborate and eye catching enough, we might’ve passed right by it. You don’t have to slip quarters into your home console or your tiny portable, you don’t even have to go to a store to purchase a game anymore! At this point in time we can beam a game directly to our home console in literally under a minute.

The communal aspect of physically being in the same dark room and hearing the same fusion of sound effects from various games around the room with button tapping and click clacking as the back beat, and even gaining an occasional crowd to root you on has evolved into a primarily home based adventure. This transition is much like the way Netflix and Redbox have made some of us opt to stay home rather than go to the movies.

There’s plenty of gamers much older than me who have moved with the ever changing technology. Personally, I’ve never played a game against someone online and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t want to wear a headset while playing, nor do I care to hear people talking video game trash in my ear. If they were physically beside me in a black lit room, eyes transfixed on the action on the glowing screen, playing a finger numbingly competitive game of WWF WRESTLEFEST, I would welcome the trash talkin’. I think my days of video gaming are tucked away with my memories of my beloved Sega Master System.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.54: Hatchet

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Samuel Barrat a.k.a Shapiro Driver’s License in HATCHET

In Hatchet (2006), the character of the pseudo filmmaker scumbag Shapiro (Joel Murray) was somewhat of a genius if you ask me! Shapiro went around with a video camera recording hot “Girls Gone Wild” type exploits of Misty and Jenna who frequently flashed their goods to the camera.

Shapiro convinced airhead girls that he was a film producer so he could amass his own little porn collection. He was basically a hornball whose name really wasn’t Shapiro after all. There’s nothing worse than a guy who goes around calling himself a filmmaker when he’s actually never worked on an actual film before, but I guess I can let it slide since low budget porn does actually count.

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“So he really didn’t work for Bayou Beavers?” – Misty

In this quick scene, Ben (Joel Moore) finds Shapiro’s wallet. Inside there was an American Excess credit card, $10 bucks, a condom, and a couple of business cards. Ben also pulls out his drivers license to discover that he’s really Samuel Barrat from Newark NJ! He must have been pretty desperate for girls to film if he had to travel all the way down to New Orleans. We also find out that Barrat is a senior marketing manager for Whitman Diagnostics located in Hoboken, NJ. Of course, that was before Victor Crowley made him a headless marketing manager.

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Northeastern areas of NJ have the (201) area code

Johnny Walker Is My Homeboy! Randy “The Ram” Is The Man!

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If you thought The Wrestler was simply the wrestling version of Rocky, after reading this post you’ll think differently. The immense amount of similarities between 1988’s Homeboy and 2008’s The Wrestler make them more suitable companion films. The Wrestler, came 20 years after Homeboy, but both star Mickey Rourke and are filmed in New Jersey. Now join me at ringside as we pit boxer Johnny Walker vs. former wrestling superstar Randy “The Ram” Robinson…

Both The Wrestler and Homeboy’s New Jersey setting and stirring cinematography transported me directly into their respective main character’s agonizing world. While The Ram was your typical beefed up bleach blonde babyface who has seen better days, Homeboy’s Johnny Walker had shorter hair, and a western flair, but they were both equally beaten down, fading athletes.

Randy the Ram was grappling with his own demons and masking his pain with drugs, but Johnny Walker put himself in danger when he merely stepped into the ring. Walker also continued to align himself with an underhanded promoter prick only out for the purse, Christopher Walken’s Wesley Pendergass. It was easy to feel bad for a weathered, wandering cowboy who was being manipulated by a sleazy low level crook. As Pendergass, Walken is so Walkeny that you’d think he’s doing an impression of himself. This is classic Walken.

During the making of the two films, Rourke had more difficulty adjusting to training to become a wrestler since he had previously been a boxer for several years before pursuing acting. His bio on Wikipedia reveals that he suffered at least two concussions during his early boxing matches. His ring experience in real life clearly lent authenticity to both roles. Rourke even used Guns n Roses “Sweet Child o’ Mine” as his entrance music in his boxing bouts, while Randy “The Ram” Robinson chose to use the same song in the last match against The Ayatollah in The Wrestler.

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In 1997 singer Paula Cole begged to know “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?” Homeboy might not answer that question precisely, but after watching the film it’s obvious that all the cowboys slash boxers have gone to Asbury Park. Considering that Rourke wrote the screenplay for Homeboy (under his nom de plum “Sir Eddie Cook) and that he went back to boxing after his declining movie career, Homeboy becomes even more poignant. Although there’s many differences between boxing and professional wrestling, there’s almost no separation between Rourke, Johnny Walker, and Randy “The Ram” Robinson. Throughout his own boxing career, in addition to concussions, Rourke suffered a number of injuries such as broken bones, a compressed cheekbone, and short term memory loss. All that plus accusations that he was washed up as an actor fueled his performances in these films.

What isn’t fair to Rourke as an actor and a writer is that his performance as Johnny Walker in Homeboy is no less striking than his acclaimed role as Randy “The Ram” Robinson in The Wrestler, but Homeboy quietly resides simply as another minor notch on his filmography. Even without a fraction of the dialogue that Randy the Ram was supplied with, I still rooted for the enigmatic Johnny Walker. Through Rourke’s mannerisms and expressions he portrayed a boxer who was frequently mentally absent, but kept moving in life as well as in the ring. He was quiet and dumb, yet he yearned for the simple embrace of a woman named Ruby, played by actress Debra Feuer, Rourke’s wife at the time. 
Mickey Rourke’s personal life and career bled into both Homeboy and The Wrestler. Both films are emotional and heartbreaking and leave you stunned as if you were hit with a knockout blow. I urge you to watch Homeboy to see what could be considered the precursor to The Wrestler. I wonder if Darren Aronofsky has seen it?

*Currently Homeboy is streaming on Netflix
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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.51: The Other Guys

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While gathering evidence to crack a case, NYPD cops Terry and Allen (Wahlberg and Ferrell) must cross the river over to New Jersey to pay a visit to the Gretchel and Dawson accounting firm in Fair Lawn, NJ. This scene in 2010’s The Other Guys was actually not filmed in Jersey but Wahlberg’s character did reference Jersey:

TERRY: “It looks like we’re going to Jersey to visit an accounting firm, that’s a shitty day.”

Just because you’re reading a guy’s blog about Jersey nonsense doesn’t automatically mean he has a hard on for Kevin Smith movies. OK, it does mean exactly that, but so what? You can mouse on over to the back arrow on your browser and take a lightning fast trip (depending on your ISP of course) back to wherever you came from if you don’t like it. And NO, this post isn’t about Brody Bruce, Silent Bob, Randal, Trish the Dish, Holden McNeil or any of Smith’s host of signature characters. It’s about a cop film that Kevin Smith was supposed to direct if the studio’s original plan came to fruition. Needless to say, it didn’t, and Smith went on to direct a very similar, non-Kevin Smith film called Cop Out, which I found to be way more entertaining than it’s sub-par doppelganger, The Other Guys.

Adam Mckay directed The Other Guys with a mega budget while Smith directed Cop Out on an insanely meager budget in comparison. Merely teaming cinema favorites Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg together did not guarantee success considering the big ongoing joke of the movie is a reference to the female R and B group TLC. That was the best material writers Adam McKay and Chris Henchy could come up with? Do Hollywood writers just get together and type up whatever they were making jokes about the night before while getting stoned? “…Heyyyy…duuuude…you remember TLC?” “Yeeeahhhh maaan they were some hot ladies.”

In Cop Out, a film that beat The Other Guys to theaters, Bruce Willis’ finesse and Tracy Morgan’s intrinsic comedic timing win this battle by a landslide. In The Other Guys, Wahlberg’s character Terry was kind of odd and by no means should he be doing comedy unless he’s reprimanding Andy Samberg on SNL for doing impressions of him. As always, Ferrell is funny during his random outbursts back into “The Gator,” a nickname from his days as a pimp.

In Hollywood’s continued pursuit of being completely unoriginal, they decided to rehash ’80s cop movies like Lethal Weapon and 48 Hours. Even with terrible material to work with Ferrell was amusing as a geeky cop who also designs phone apps in his spare time yet scores ridiculously hot chicks. The odd couple relationship between Terry and Allen is more often annoyingly realistic than funny. I must admit that there are some people who make me want to smash my computer into the ground like Terry did, but the effect came off the same as the relief of a squishy stress ball rather than providing over the top laughter.

The Other Guys’ NYPD Captain Gene Mauch is also a part time manager at Bed Bath and Beyond. Fortunately for us, he is played by Michael Keaton. I was glad to see Keaton doing comedy once again, since that’s where he thrives. And yes, I got it, he’s totally unaware of the existence of the group TLC.

Even though it feels as if it just rolled off the assembly line, The Other Guys is worth a rental because it does have a few strong points. Two creatively directed scenes look as if they are straight out of a music video. The first is a still life scene where Terry and Allen are in a bar getting shitfaced and everyone in the bar looks like they are made of mannequins or wax statues. The other is an action scene toward the end where Terry and Allen barge in on a meeting and it turns into a shootout. You might also appreciate that it’s a very New York movie. Look for several breathtaking shots of the Manhattan skyline.

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6 Last Minute Gift Ideas from Paul Blart: Mall Cop

If you are a living, breathing homosapien and you saw 2009’s Paul Blart: Mall Cop, chances are you thought it was a piece of crap. Even though it made an assload of money at the box office, it was critically panned. As you might have suspected, I was one of the people who actually liked it. I have an affinity for “stupid funny” and Kevin James is a master of that art. His love interest in the film, Jayma Mays, was looking cute like a young Goldie Hawn. At least for me, Paul Blart was easier to swallow than the weirder mall security movie, Observe and Report, which was released a few months later. Paul Blart: Mall Cop was set in West Orange, New Jersey but was actually filmed in Massachusetts because the production company was denied a permit to film in Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, New Jersey.

Enough of the minutia, if you’re looking for some last minute gift ideas and you don’t feel like kidnapping your cousin-in-law’s boss, here’s a few ideas plucked straight from the DVD of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

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6) A PINK PUSH UP BRA FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET – Victoria’s Secret has risen to the level of Tiffany’s in that every girl loves to get something from either store. You could buy the sluttiest little lingerie ensemble, but when they see the tag that says Victoria’s Secret, they’ll be anxious to try it on for you.

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5) A WIG – Jayma Mays looks great in all kinds of wigs and I’m sure your girl will too. Cosplay is more popular than ever so why not play dress up once in a while? A Pink wig works wonders, and hell…what about a Blue Katy Perry type wig? It’ll transform your lady into an enticing celebrity in no time.

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4) A SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER – You’re already in debt so what’s another $6,000 to $11,000 bucks? You can ride girls around the mall on the ol’ seg and then their phone numbers will seamlessly find their way into your pocket in no time. It’ll be a piece of cake…or pie with peanut butter slathered on it!

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3) CELL PHONE BLING – jewels for a cell phone are a cheap and easy stocking stuffer. Although extremely gaudy, many girls like these peel and stick rhinestone phone accessories.

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2) A REALLY EXPENSIVE PEN – Even in this digital age, everyone still has to sign their name once in a while so why not shock the kid behind the counter with your pretentious taste in pens? More specifically the Summit 5280 Fountain Pen that the douchebag Stuart (Stephen Rannazzisi) is pushing. It makes you feel like you have a little piece of heaven between your fingers.

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1) ROCK BAND – Whether it’s 1, 2, or 3, it really doesn’t matter. They are all awesome and fun, especially when playing and singing along to KISS’ “Detroit Rock City,” like Paul Blart does while all alone in the mall arcade.