New Jersey Archives - Page 10 of 59

Monster Mania 27 Recap

Posted on March 11, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Freddy Krueger was in town over the weekend. The mere thought of this may have struck an incredible amount of fear into you back in the mid ’80s, but nowadays it’s not as scary as it is cool. At some point in the future, we’ll look back and marvel at how monumental of a thing this was. FREDDY F’N KRUEGER himself meets and greets his fans, quite often I might add, in New Jersey of all places. This is the type of thing that happens all the time at the Cherry Hill chapter of Monster Mania.

Negating all that build-up, I wasn’t actually there to meet Robert Englund. Nope, my mission for Monster Mania 27 was merely to cruise around the dealer rooms and hang out with friends. While not as monumental as the 26th Monster Mania, #27 did have its charms.

Homemade Horror Chocolates!

As we stared down several stories to the ground floor from our newly renovated room at Crown Plaza in Cherry Hill, we gazed at the Englund line. His drawing power is tremendous every time. The line to meet him is usually wrapped at least halfway around Crowne Plaza.

When I see the Englund line, I wonder to myself, are these all people who have met him before and want to meet him again, or is this line sprinkled with a whole new generation of fans? I imagine it’s a bit of both which is a really cool thing. The crowd is usually very diverse. It’s not just a bunch of middle aged people going to meet equally as old if not older celebrity guests. Appropriately, there’s constantly new blood. I witnessed it first hand when a young kid/horror fan who couldn’t have been more than 12, ran up to John “Freddy in Space” Squires and his wife Jen to say hello. It was one of those cool moments that reinforced the fact that the horror community is tight knit and comes out in full force to local horror cons such as this.

This Guy…

One of the cool things about the March installment of Monster Mania is that it usually falls near my birthday on the calendar. That was pretty awesome for a long time, but with each passing year the novelty has began to wear off. Any time I’m at Monster Mania I feel like there aren’t many other places I’d rather be…probably only Disney World. It must be that all the nostalgia makes me feel like a kid again. I feel very at home and at ease at the cons because they’re a chance to tune out the world and get transported to an alternate reality. I love being able to talk to people with the same interests as me as well as doing some horror-themed shopping.

Something in my mind tells me that I’ll get more out of the experience if I don’t go to a con merely just to buy stuff. Is it a fuller experience if I meet some of the celebrity guests as well as shop for stuff on my macabre mental checklist? This time around I was a clean slate. I was going for no other reason than just to be there and enjoy the experience. Usually, that’s the precise time when the coolest stuff pops out at me. Plus, it’s more fun to be taken off guard by an item you didn’t even realize you wanted.

Once we arrived we wasted no time swinging through all the dealer rooms a few times. This is the first time that I don’t think I bought anything except food and drinks. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t even buy a t-shirt, but that’s because I have..all of them. Matt found a few toys that he discussed in his Monster Mania post and later he surprised me with an insanely awesome Slimer night light! Thanks Matt! See a picture of it at my Instagram (instagram.com/sexyarmpit.)

We purposely thought it best not to intentionally try to recapture the over the top nature of the August installment of Monster Mania, so we just hung out for the rest of the night and had a few drinks. The kitchen at the hotel bar was backed up. This wait resulted in John, Matt, and myself debating about our favorite Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th films. I feel like we talk about this same topic each time we are in each others presence, but it always seems like we accomplish something in the conversation. Sometimes I get looked at like an elitist film snob for my taste in NMOES movies. As a kid I swore Dream Warriors was my favorite, and it may be one of my favorites, but ultimately, the original is without a doubt my favorite and it’s the installment I can watch anytime without having to be in the mood for it. As far Friday the 13th goes, I’m pretty sure we all agreed (but I’m only officially quoting myself) that 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is our favorite of the F13th series.

After we finally ate and had a few beers we ran into Tom Bryce from Shit Movie Fest – a guy who I swear I’ve most likely brushed shoulders with at previous Monster Manias but didn’t realize it. It was great to meet him since he’s one of the nicest dudes from our online world. I also saw our friend Jess Rajs from Gorgeous and Gory and a few other horror-fiend friends of mine.

“Someone saw a clown up on 12…”

Later, we all decided it was time to head to the room rather than being loud and obnoxious in the lobby which had pretty much cleared out for the night. We hopped on the elevator and ran into a creepy clown guy in the elevator. I wish this was going to lead into some sort of horror movie scenario, but it doesn’t. This guy’s got to get to his room to get some sleep just like everyone else does.

The following paragraph contains situations of a graphic and violent nature, reader discretion is advised.

I’m not sure how it began, but I’m pretty sure I instigated it.

The epic hotel room match between John Squires and myself included tons of back and forth, reverse knife edge chops, and even some painful scientific holds, but ultimately I took home the win. Now you know Johnny wouldn’t let me off that easy. We couldn’t take away his heat like that either. Smart booking dictates that he needed to pull some real #heel type shit.

As I was reeling from the win, I heard Dinosaur Dracula announce me as the winner (just before he passed out for the night grasping his new Boglin) and at that point it really felt like I was in the ring getting cheered and jeered by a packed house at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, home of Wrestlemania 4 and 5 (at least that’s what was going through my mind.) Distressed, John’s wife Jen looked with a tear streaming down her face, she ran into the ring/bed area and tried to console a stunned John. I hobbled over to take a swig of beer for the working man from my can before I could throw it in the trash and…BAM!!!

John spears me into the wall.

The whole room shook.

Can you blame us? We were a mere 8 miles away from the ECW Arena. Extreme vibes were running wild. This is how the commentators would’ve called it, when you read these, hear them in your mind as they would sound:

JIM ROSS

“SPEARED INTO THE WALL! SPEAR! SPEAR! WHAT A DASTARDLY ATTACK! THE WALL HAS CAVED IN! BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP!”

GORILLA MONSOON

“WHAT A PEARL HARBOR JOB ON THE PART OF SQUIRES…THIS IS DESPICABLE.” – Gorilla Monsoon

BOBBY HEENAN

“AT LEAST JAY GOT TO HAVE THAT LAST SIP OF HIS BEER, WOULDN’T WANT TO SEE IT GO TO WASTE. NOW SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A HARVEY WALLBANGER.”

JESSE “THE BODY” VENTURA

“HE WAS JUST CRACKING HIS BACK FOR HIM McMAHON!”

MICHAEL COLE

“VINTAGE SQUIRES”

Bless the people in the adjacent hotel room. They were saints for not calling in a noise complaint. I feel even worse for the newly renovated hotel room itself since it surely felt the wrath of two of the most powerful and destructive bloggers and writers on the face of the planet. Don’t worry, if the earth is ever in some sort of diabolical peril, the two of us will join forces as a tag team and doggy paddle everyone who fell into the Atlantic Ocean to safety. You’re welcome.

It was pretty embarrassing when we ran into our nice neighbors as we both checked out at the same time the next morning. They told us that they thought the mirror was going to fall off the wall in their room. A big thanks to them for being such good sports.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 113: RAW IS JERSEY!

Posted on March 4, 2014 by sexyarmpit

NJ IS RAW! at Barber Shop Window

Even if you’re not a wrestling fan, you might have heard about the WWE Network. It’s like Netflix for the WWE. After spending over a week with it, I can honestly say it’s one of the most awesome things ever. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, for only $9.99 a month, you get the option of watching any WWE, ECW, and WCW pay-per-view ever (including the latest monthly events) along with a ton of other programming. I’ve been glued to it every single day since it premiered on 2/24. This brings me to the t-shirt of the day which is perfect for fans of New Jersey and WWE.

If you are indeed a WWE fan, it’s a pretty damn cool time to be one. Monday nights have been pretty interesting as the company is building up for their biggest event of the year: Wrestlemania 30! Get ready to feel old: Monday Night Raw, the WWE’s live 3-hour show, has been airing for over 20 years (even more sick: I’ve been watching WWF/E for over 30 years!) You could imagine that being able to sit around and relive all these great memories has been quite amazing. The only thing better would be sitting around in an appropriate t-shirt.

Wrestling t-shirt gurus Barber Shop Window offer all kinds of funny and ironic wrestling tees that depict wrestlers and slogans spanning from the present to as far back as you can remember. It’s hard to log on to their site and not want to buy at least 5 or 6 shirts in one shot, but who has that kind of money besides The Million Dollar Man? I can help you make a decision though. If you look forward to watching live wrestling on Monday Nights, and you have pride in your state, go with their “Your State is RAW!” series of tees.

This t-shirt series will bring you back to wrestling’s territory days because they feature the shape of your state in the style of the WWE logo! Pictured above is the New Jersey version (obviously) and it will make you chant and scream in the loudest possible register, just like the fans at the Izod Center did the night after Wrestlemania 29!

These tees may soon become nostalgic in their own right. The front of the shirts use the same WWE “scratch logo” design which seems like it’s slowly being phased out in favor of the newer and much more sleek WWE logo that premiered with the Network. Don’t let that stop you from representing your pride in the business and your state at the same time.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 81: Last Vegas

Posted on February 26, 2014 by sexyarmpit

It never fails! It feels like every damn thing I watch has some sort of New Jersey reference. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, but sometimes it feels pretty surreal. Apologies in advance, but Wyoming doesn’t get that same kind of noise.

Anyway, you ever see one of those, holy shit we’re getting old so we need to stop acting like a bunch of stuffy old men and go out and have a good time movies? It’s a very specific genre. Last Vegas is that type of movie, but set in Vegas. Recently I watched it – Miss Sexy Armpit’s choice.

Last Vegas is the Justice League of retiree-aged actors. It’s got DeNiro, NJ-born Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline. All of these guys enhance the movie in their own way. Many times, throwing a bunch of famous actors into the mix is a recipe for disaster, but in this case, it worked.

A group of old friends from Brooklyn, now in their 60s, get the gang back together. It’s not just to throw back a few beers at their favorite old watering hole either. The setup centers around the group’s last single friend, Billy (Douglas), who proposes to his girlfriend half his age and wants his old buddies from the neighborhood to be there for his wedding…in Vegas.

It turns out getting everybody together isn’t easy. These guys are leading their own lives and settled in to their respective homes in various locations. One of them, Archie (Morgan Freeman), has been long retired from the Air Force and lives with his family in Englewood, NJ. He feels like he’s living in a prison, overprotected by his family as if he was a toddler. Archie has to sneak out the window of his ground floor bedroom to meet his friends before heading to the airport. He also conjures up a story about being on a church retreat to stave off his son from becoming overly concerned. Ultimately, he arrives in Vegas armed with $15,000 from his pension fund ready to play blackjack.

In Sam’s (Kevin Kline) case, he’s lost his sex drive. After learning of his upcoming trip to Vegas, his wife gives him a Viagra and a condom and basically tells him to do as he pleases while he’s on his trip in hopes of reviving his libido. So he’s got a free pass. Meanwhile, Paddy (DeNiro), is grumpy and bitter after losing his wife years earlier. He can’t be bothered by much of anything, but with some coercion from Archie, he grudgingly agrees to join them on the trip.

Some old bad blood resurfaces. There’s a bachelor party. A new love interest comes into play. There’s a few dramatic moments which made the film take a serious turn, but overall it didn’t get bogged down in them too much. Some of the films best moments include Morgan Freeman’s jibber-jabber after a slew of Red Bull and vodkas, and while on his mission to use his prophylactic device, Sam (Kevin Kline), mistakenly hits on a transvestite Madonna impersonator from New Jersey.

Sam is scoping out the ladies at a bar when he noticed a possible hottie from behind. Without even seeing her face, and the fact that he was told not to wear his glasses to appear younger, he started coming on to this seemingly attractive woman. All he saw was the back of a head with ’80s hair. Once he realized who he was actually hitting on his reaction was priceless:

SAM: “You’re a…Trans…planted New Yorker?”

MAURICE: “New Jersey.”

The actor who plays Turtle in Entourage, Jerry Ferrara, basically reprises his Turtle role again here, but he was more endearing when he was chubbier. Also look out for hottie April Billingsley, not sure if she’s related to Peter Billingsley, but hey, it’s Hollywood, the nepotism capital of the world.

I wouldn’t say I adored Last Vegas, by any stretch, but it was a mildly fun time and it was exactly what it claimed to be. Miss Sexy Armpit wanted to see it, and I definitely prefer something like this over some dumb romantic comedy with Zac Efron or Tad Hamilton. It was more than worth it for me considering all these great Jersey moments. Even in the wrap up Atlantic City is mentioned as an option while rattling off places they could go next year. There’s not much of a shot that a sequel in Atlantic City will go into production, but if that happened, I’d be way more interested in seeing that now that I’m familiar with the characters. If any of this sounds appealing to you, give it a go. I rented it from Redbox, but I’m sure we’re not too far away from it premiering on HBO.

Flea Market Fiasco!

Posted on February 24, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Recently I mentioned to Dinosaur Dracula that I had never been to the Englishtown Flea Market. For some reason, I’ve been to every other damn flea market in existence, but not Englishtown. Lived in Jersey my entire life, never been. To others from around here, that’s not an outrage or an insult or anything, but it’s more like “you’ve breathed in air before, right?” I felt that 2014 was the time to finally make this trip happen.

The flea market is not far away and I always heard friends mention that they tend to find cool stuff there, so I really had no justification for never going there. Who better to join me on my first visit to this place than Dino Drac? Partners in crime is really an appropriate moniker for all the calamity and misadventures we’ve inadvertently entangled ourselves in. Matt’s been there several times and he kept mentioning a pretty awesome vintage toy shop that he found in one of the buildings. That was literally all I needed to hear to get me to want to go.

Also encouraging me was the forecast, Saturday was going to be partly sunny and reach the low 50s. Since most of us in the Tri-State area have been cooped up at home for the last month or so battling all these ridiculous snow storms, it was about time that we had a nice sunny day that we could go outside and enjoy rather than breaking our backs shoveling snow and freezing our asses off. Parts of this flea market are indoors while many of the vendors are outdoors, so either way it was a win.

Loose TMNT figures on a peg board at the Flea Market

Matt, Ms.X, and myself took a laid back drive down Route 9 as I sipped a Monster and we bullshitted. None of us knew what we could encounter on this day. The possibilities were endless. How many useless things would I come home with? I was feeling really confident that going to Englishtown was the right decision. It was the perfect thing to do on the first sunny and mild Saturday we had in forever. Spending it with good friends and having a few laughs was the right move. It’s almost like therapy after the mind numbing grind of a long work week. It all made sense…for a little while.

Finding parking is one aspect of my life that I don’t like to spend too much time on. I’m not sure it’s an actual pet peeve, but for instance, I have absolutely no time in my life to waste on searching for the perfect parking spot at a mall during the holidays. I’d just as soon park 2 miles away and walk. I was pleased to find that the parking scene at the Englishtown Flea Market wasn’t even bad at all. Considering there were two huge lots to park in, I didn’t have to stress about it.

The first lot was literally made of mud. The entire ground was all mud. I started into some My Cousin Vinny lines while we all made the conscious decision NOT to park in the lot that was all mud because my car might sink into the mud and we’d be stranded there. I pulled right out of there and drove into the adjacent lot which, oddly enough, only had about 7 cars in it. Fortunately, this lot wasn’t all mud, it was ALL ice and slush. Much of the ice and snow started melting in the past few days but we figured it would be wiser to park on ice and melted snow than…mud. I walked away with the positivity that we made a very clear headed decision that would benefit us in the long run.

Hopping over puddles and snow, into the flea market we went. At first, it reminded me of any other outdoor flea market. Lots of vendors, lots of similar crap. Discounted drinks in bulk. Women’s bags. Cheap fragrances. Insanely huge Rey Mysterio blankets. You know, all that kind of stuff. Flea Market stuff.

Airbrushed Terminator T-Shirt and my personal fav: DOUG.

What’s a New Jersey Flea Market without an airbrush shop?

I knew not to really expect much from a flea market because they’re usually inundated with aisle after aisle of the same crap. As you walk through the rows of vendors you’ll notice every 3 of them offer bootleg action figures. You know them – the multi-pack where Batman looks like he’s a repainted Frankenstein and Superman has blue hair and a very scared look on his face. Then always right beside those are bootleg Marvel and Power Rangers figures.

Down each aisle we ventured to see the real garage sale type fare. These people offered the kind of items you might see at a local yard sale or out on the curb in your neighborhood. Piles of used clothes, old cassette tapes, old stereo equipment, random packs of gum, and that was all the high end shit. Down one of these aisles of doom is where I made my first of two purchases of the day.

If you’ve had no luck trying to track down a high quality King Tut sweatshirt,

Englishtown Auction is YOUR one stop shop! *Thank you to Sam for correcting me in the comments- I mistakenly referred to this as the Sphinx.

A couple of sellers had random piles of old records. If you know me, I need more records like I need a hole in my head, but for those who aren’t aware, I don’t need more music options at home. I’m inundated as it is. But to me, when it comes to vinyl, I completely grasp the sound differences, but it’s more about discovering a record I would enjoy in a big pile of them and then appreciating the front and back cover art, that’s what really grabs me. Out of piles from two different sellers, I found Blondie’s Parallel Lines and the Flashdance Soundtrack. Although I’ve never even seen Flashdance, it’s got a pretty legendary soundtrack and a great cover, so I went with it. A buck each!

The sun was beaming down and we were enjoying the day as we continued scanning each table. “Let’s check in one of these buildings to see if we can find that toy shop,” Matt said in a very Jay is probably going to write about this so I will make this sentence sound very generic sort of way. The interior definitely reminded me of the types of flea markets that I’ve been to in the past, so I was in familiar territory now. The giant drums of pickles, airbrushed t-shirts, the faint scent of leather, it was all present.

We couldn’t find the toy shop in the first building we went into, but the day was young. Matt and Mrs.X bought some fresh spicy nuts imported from TOMS RIVER, NJ, which I guess is the spicy nut capital of New Jersey. You’d think I would’ve known this tidbit, but I had no clue!

We stopped into a few decent shops, but couldn’t find the one Matt was describing to me.

There was an action figure shop that had tons of wrestling figures, G.I Joe’s, and TMNT figures, so we were guided by the scent of old plastic and dust. This is where my second purchase comes in. Total impulse buy. At one time I owned every WWF Hasbro figure ever and eventually I sold them on eBay like a chump for no good reason. For a while now I had the original Macho Man Randy Savage back on my radar. This was not the Macho King or the later Macho Man release with the white jacket and hat – this was the original with the star trunks. $10. So worth it, wouldn’t you agree?

We did manage to find one shop that housed everything for your army/navy surplus needs all the way to a Ben Cooper style Jake Lloyd costume from Phantom Menace. There’s four dealers in the world who specialize in young Anakin collectibles and this guy must be one of them. This store looked like someone’s basement. 50 years worth of dusty junk packed into this tiny little store. Hanging from the ceiling and stuffed into shelves were a couple of TV trays that caught my eye. One was Batman Returns and the other was E.T. I can’t remember the exact price the guy quoted me for the used Batman Returns tray, but I believe he said he couldn’t accept less than $20 – $30 dollars because “these TV trays are really hot right now.”

At this point, I was almost happy that we didn’t find the toy shop yet because knowing me I would’ve found something that I desperately wanted for some exorbitant amount of money. The same moment that thought crossed my mind is the exact same moment Matt found the toy shop. He wasn’t joking, this place is the crown jewel of the Englishtown Auction. Matt and Ms.X had me close my eyes as I walked in. Opened them up and was immediately in awe.

I spy a Jack Napier WANTED Poster hanging on the wall!

From a vintage Strawberry Shortcake bake shop to about 200 original Kenner Star Wars figures in varying degrees of condition, this place was definitely worth the trip. You’re not going to get yard sale prices here though, prices here basically mirror what’s on eBay. Nothing stood out for me specifically, but I think this is where Matt came into contact with his latest toy “adoptions” as it were. More on that in a bit.

Next, I needed to find a bathroom to pee out all the energy drink from earlier. We found one and I cautiously entered. I saw a bathroom greeter, the type of greeter you might see at a swank restaurant. Sometimes they hold the towel for you as you wash your hands. Well, this guy was the absolute greatest men’s room greeter OF ALL TIME. This was his schpeel word for word or as accurate as I can remember it: “WELCOME TO THE BATHROOM MY GOOD MAN, I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY, THIS BATHROOM IS VERY CLEAN AND SMELLS OF FINE, FRESH CITRUS FRUITS, IF YOU SO CHOOSE PLEASE LEAVE A SMALL TOKEN OF YOUR APPRECIATION AND YOU WILL BE GRANTED ONE WISH – THE CHOICE OF ANY CANDY OUT OF THE 8 RANDOM PIECES ON THIS MAGICAL PLATE THAT I FOUND OUTSIDE. PLEASE COME BACK AGAIN VERY SOON.”

On that note, we ended our stay at the Englishtown Flea Market.

We headed back to the car. Happy with all our purchases we hopped in and I started up the car and the music. Only problem was, the wheels were spinning, but we weren’t moving. We were kicking up lots of mud and eventually it sunk into our heads that WE were also sunk…IN THE MUD. Underneath all the snow and slush was mud, just like that other lot. Who knew that we probably would’ve been better off parking in that other lot after all?

Matt suggested that we use our records to wedge under the wheels to give the car some traction. It was a valiant effort. Him and I then used our incredible super powers to try to push the car out, but that didn’t work either. Ms.X wasn’t afraid to get down and dirty and she hacked away at large pieces of ice near the wheels. Luckily I had a shovel in the back of my car and I was trying to shovel us out, to no avail. There was no winning this battle. The wheels were sunken into the mud about halfway! Making matters worse, the front bumper of the car was hanging over one of those concrete stoppers that kept you from driving out onto the road. This cause the front of the car to basically snap off.

My only defense was calling road service. As I did that, a nice guy with a giant 4-wheel drive ORV with bullet holes the size of matzoh balls who looked like Lebron James offered to tie a rope to the back of my car and attempt to pull me out. This guy also helped several other cars that got stuck in the mud and slush as well. Thank you to that guy. I would say “if he’s reading this,” but there’s less than zero chance that he read The Sexy Armpit. This guy saved us from sacrificing those records!

We needed to get on the road so this day didn’t start to deteriorate even more rapidly. With some parts of the undercarriage dangling onto the road we hightailed it out of there. After a few miles, Ms.X and I saw a Mexican place on route 9 that reminded us of Jose Tejas. Formerly Damon’s Grill, this place took on a Mexican gimmick back in October. I’d been interested in going there, but haven’t had the chance. As we came upon it, I abruptly made an executive decision and turned into the parking lot. We needed some Mexican beer, Patron, Mexican food, and of course, guacamole power – in that order. It saved the day…for a little while. Name of the place is Rosalita’s Roadside Cantina in Manalapan, NJ if you’re ever in the area or want to replicate this debacle of a trip.

Thanks to Matt and Ms.X for all their help and their patience. We were all soaked and full of mud, but they persevered! Once we got home, I brought down the mood once again by losing an eBay auction on an item that I wanted more than you can imagine for the better part of my life. What a day! Thank God Miss Sexy Armpit brought snacks.

*I urge you to read about Matt’s finds from this experience. Being the benevolent guy he is, he found “5 Misfit Toys” that needed a home, and he paid the adoption fees and signed all the paper work so he could give them a good home. READ ALL ABOUT IT AT THIS LINK OVER AT DINOSAUR DRACULA!!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments 80: Tom Papa – Freaked Out

Posted on February 19, 2014 by sexyarmpit

At one time, Jersey guy Tom Papa used to smoke weed. In Freaked Out, his 2013 Epix stand-up comedy special, he reveals that he has a reminder on his body from the times he used to get high years ago. He looks back on how stupid he was and how he doesn’t wear shorts anymore because of this bad tattoo of a gnome he got…in New Jersaaaay.

“I just picked it off a wall in New Jersey. I wouldn’t pick a t-shirt off a wall in New Jersey…”

Stuff like that is even funnier when you realize it’s coming from a Jersey guy. Surprisingly, I’d never seen Papa’s stand up act, but I was certainly intrigued to see the advertisement teasing the special which aired on Epix Network on Rob Zombie’s Twitter a while back.

At first, I just assumed Zombie was friends with Papa having casted him as the voice of El Superbeasto, but then I went to IMDB and noticed that he was actually a “consulting producer” of this special. It’s no wonder either, considering it’s saturated in ’70s stylings complete with sparkly dancers who provide a choreographed intro for Papa as he appeared on stage. The stage and backdrop looked like it was a remnant straight from a ’70s variety show. It was over the top and very much my speed.

Aside from the intro and the amusing backdrop, we get to witness Papa be the funny motherf*cker he is. I’m glad I watched it because I had a good time. I actually laughed out loud quite a bit. I usually rank a comedian by if he/she actually makes me laugh out loud. It’s easy to say a comedian or actor is funny, but do they actually make you laugh? Check out Tom Papa Freaked Out and determine that for yourself. The hour goes fast. Presently, the special is streaming on Netflix.

*Papa was born in Passaic NJ, grew up in Woodcliff Lake and graduated Rider University – A Jersey guy through and through!

Sweet Fix and Tim Jacobus Reveal New Artwork!

Posted on February 14, 2014 by sexyarmpit

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs9pMmpR0Fs?rel=0]

Usually, I’m not one to get a lot of phone calls. Although, not too long ago, a phone call came in from Ivan Anderson, guitarist from the band Sweet Fix that I reviewed here recently. Any time I’ve spoken to Ivan he always has a very enthusiastic tone and I appreciate that. He’s got such a passion for his music and also for pop culture stuff in general. This has lead him to read The Sexy Armpit on many occasions. He noticed our post about New Jersey native Tim Jacobus’ “It Came From New Jersey,” during the 2013 Halloween Countdown, and he called me without hesitation. Hmm, did he want to invite me to an upcoming Sweet Fix show? Did he want to challenge me to a public debate about the role and impact on society of ’80s sitcom neighbors? WHAT WAS IT? Now I needed to know, so I actually had a real live phone conversation with him.

“You’re never gonna believe this…” Ivan blasted. When he started mentioning the post I wrote about Goosebumps artist Tim Jacobus, he thought it was such an amazing coincidence that the news he was about to break to me also involved Mr. Jacobus. Strange and eerie things must have been afoot during the Halloween Countdown!

Ivan finally cut to the chase. His band Sweet Fix had enlisted none other than legendary artist Tim Jacobus to do a balls-out piece of art featuring the band in Goosebumps style. Mind blown!

It was difficult figuring out what was more amazing, the news about Tim’s Sweet Fix artwork OR the fact that this came into play right around the same time that my post went up. And we did not coordinate this effort in any way.

Since Tim’s artwork of the band had been done for a while now, all that was left for Sweet Fix was to unveil it somehow. Sure they could’ve just threw it up on their website and had everyone click LIKE or comment “Cool!,” but they wanted to do something a little more elaborate to commemorate it.

The band knows that I am a New Jersey Pop Culture maniac, so this was the reason for Ivan’s call. The logistics were set, the time, the place, and all we needed was for Tim to be on board. Being the awesome motherf*cker that he is, he was happy to be a part of it. The “It” that I am referring to is the video we filmed to discuss this incredible collaboration.

Posted above is my conversation with Sweet Fix and Tim Jacobus, filmed by Mike Wirth (@idiotatplay on Twitter) at the Union Plaza Diner in Union, NJ (naturally a diner, we’re in New Jersey!) In it we talk all about the album, Tim’s Goosebumps covers, and of course, we unveil Tim’s artwork of the band. Enjoy!

WWE Extreme Rules Comes To IZOD Center

Posted on February 6, 2014 by sexyarmpit

WWE Extreme Rules Comes To The IZOD Center In East Rutherford, NJ on 5/4/14

Tickets on sale Saturday 2/22 at 10:00 AM

It’s been the mission of every crowd at televised WWE events to try to one-up the rowdy RAW audience following Wrestlemania 29. Not only was that the same night that The Sexy Armpit’s article was shown on RAW, but it also reminded the crowd that they hold the power. After all, we are the fans and we’re the people keeping the WWE in business.

The 2014 Royal Rumble crowd last month was formidable, but people are still talking about the rambunctious crowd at IZOD. At least we’re good for something here in Jersey. Loud and obnoxious is in our DNA. The big question is, with the Extreme Rules Pay Per View coming to IZOD Center on May 4th, 2014, is WWE trying to make lightning strike twice? WWE sure as hell likes to go back to the same well pretty often. Look at sequel matches like HBK/Razor in the Ladder Match 2, and even most recently, Rock/Cena 2, why not IZOD CROWD 2?

Extreme Rules is one of the few of the “filler events” as I refer to them meaning anything not the big 4 that I actually enjoy. There’s usually some exciting and often insane stuff going on in the matches, but is Batista really their big selling point for this event? This guy gets ALL CAPS? Personally, I really hope the whole CM Punk thing is a big work. The WWE isn’t the same without him. One thing is for sure, Extreme Rules will need to be a superior show to make up for his absence.

Extreme Rules will be available on the new WWE Network and also Pay Per View. Until the option of ordering the event through your cable company ceases to exist, the term Pay Per View will remain, but it’s already becoming antiquated with the Network subscription model. Extreme Rules will eventually just become an “event.” Can the crowd in East Rutherford make it into a truly memorable one? That will be determined on May 4th!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 112: Kal Penn Tweets His Tee During The Super Bowl

Posted on February 4, 2014 by sexyarmpit

It was New Jersey’s first Super Bowl. You’d think I’d be glued to the TV. Nope. It took Radio Shack’s ’80s commercial and The Electric Mayhem Band starring in a Toyota ad to pique my interest, otherwise I spent most of the night on Twitter giggling at the amusing shit people were coming up with while poking fun at the train wreck that was happening merely miles away in MetLife Stadium.

Astoundingly, I somehow managed to scrounge some content out of such an awful game. One of the tweets that I kept on reserve (retweeted by @faceman802!) was from producer, actor, Obama team member, and Jersey guy, Kal Penn. He’s otherwise known as Kumar from the Jersey classic, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

Kal Penn proudly displaying his awesome t-shirt via a Tweet during the Super Bowl last Sunday

Presently, Penn, who also starred in Van Wilder and Superman Returns, works in the White House Office of Public Engagement, and he certainly engaged me with this tweet.

Penn was born in Montclair and later attended middle school in Howell followed by high school in Freehold Township. According to his Wikipedia page, during high school, Penn was involved in theater and the forensics team. One thing is certain, he hasn’t lost his Jersey sense of humor!

Sweet Fix’s GOLDEN AGE Revitalizes Rock

Posted on February 1, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Review of Sweet Fix’s latest album Golden Age.

Sweet Fix is comprised of Tommy Walker/Lead vocals, Ivan Anderson/Guitars, Marco Santini/Drums, Bill Sapanaro/Bass, and Jeff Manian/Keys, Synth, backing vocals,

Sweet Fix’s latest album is in my possession, and it’s apparent that the party is officially on. Although, for me, it’s a party of one. Yeah, just me sitting at my desk wearing my Sony headphones that I used every night when I was on the air as a rock radio DJ. That was before I became an astronaut and after I was a sanitation engineer. One major problem though, the disk drive on my computer is out of commission, I have no way of listening to the CD in the background as I write this. I don’t own a CD player. You’d think with all this professional experience that I’d figure out how to listen to rig something up with lasers Real Genius style to get it to play, but, shit, if it’s not in my iTunes I almost forgot what to do with it.

The Yoda in my life isn’t, well, Yoda, it’s Clark Griswold, and as he once so eloquently stated in 1983’s National Lampoon’s Vacation, “Nothing worthwhile is easy, Ellen, we know that.” As such, getting to actually listen to Sweet Fix’s Golden Age wasn’t as simple as you would think.

With the disc in my hands I felt like the ape in 2001: A Space Odyssey discovering bones from a rotted carcass for the first time. Before completely losing all brain functionality and smashing the disc into my desk numerous times, I was overcome with a brilliant idea.

About an hour ago the thought came to me that I think I might still have my old Discman. This was the same Discman that I had to connect in my car during high school because I’m so old that I owned a car that didn’t have a CD player, let alone Sirius or an iPod connection (Neither Sirius or iPods existed back then, so shush). I was going through old electronics and cell phones I had in my closet the other night to put on Instagram for shits and I could’ve sworn I saw my trusty old Discman. There may actually be people young enough reading this who legitimately don’t know what that is, so for them, it’s a portable CD player that is a little bit bigger than the size of an actual CD. It’s hard to believe that CDs are feeling as ancient as records are, and if anything, records have actually risen again to be more relevant than CDs, at least in my geeky circles. I don’t buy CDs often, unless they’re impulse purchases at Wal-Mart like The Jackson Five’s Five Greatest Hits. I don’t think that exists, but it probably will soon if it doesn’t already.

YES! I found it, I repeat, I found it! It’s the Discman! Damn thing still works! I’m popping in the CD right now, but before I hit play, let me ramble on a bit more.

One thing is for sure, the Golden Age of music had nothing to do with CDs. Regardless, the title, Golden Age, is still appropriate. It’s obvious that the band arrived at this name for a reason. Dictionary.com states that Golden Age refers to “the most flourishing period…” in the bands case, it’s their most immense sounding and most passionate effort yet.

Golden age means different things to different people. Does it change and update as years pass? For instance, lots of people consider the ’80s Hulkamania era the Golden Age of professional wrestling, but what about the Bruno Sammartino era? Generally, there are widely agreed upon Golden Ages. Was the MEGO craze in the ’70s more impactful than Kenner’s Star Wars Toys of the late ’70s and throughout the ’80s? This is a lame journalistic thing to write, but it’s required: Golden Age is Sweet Fix’s Golden Age.

Rooted in New York and Northern New Jersey, I first heard about Sweet Fix four or five years ago.

I checked them out live and was impressed with a couple of EPs they released, but my main gripe was that they barely ever played in Jersey. Reason for that is, there’s basically no music scene here in New Jersey, let alone a rock scene. Since we are the sports bar capital of the world, how could there be? We have a couple of clubs here and there that feature bands, and we have the Starland Ballroom, but there’s no actual scene. Fortunately this is where the Internet comes in. Sweet Fix has all their music available on iTunes and for sale on their website and you can watch their performances on YouTube. Golden Age of the Internet perhaps? Ever since their inception, they’ve been moving full speed ahead, sculpting their sound and their look throughout, but it wasn’t until I saw their live show that I got the full effect of their unique approach.

Sweet Fix, photo by Janine Cheng

If you’re not familiar with Sweet Fix, their sound incorporates a lot of familiar influences. Upon first listen, you’ll notice their retro sounding hard rock with power pop sheen. My ears also make out inspiration and elements from bands like Queen, The Cars, The Killers, Marvelous 3, ELO, Van Halen, Weezer, The Darkness, all drizzled with a sweet electronic New Wave topping and a hairband flair for the dramatics. I suggest you give them a few listens and you’ll begin to discover all these subtle nuances like I did.

Let me take you on a track by track tour of Golden Age:

1. The album kicks into overdrive with “Showtime,” which builds into a BIG arena rock song. It’s best experienced by closing your eyes and imagining a packed club in New York City. I can almost feel the heat from the spotlights above the stage. The hypnotizing beat and crunchy guitar intro ascends at the command of singer Tommy Walker’s fluid vocals into a colossal Queen style chorus. Once kicked in, we’re riding a wild mouse roller coaster, taking bumps into the harsh turns, but just before banging into a corner, the sound softens and I feel like my cart is made of memory foam. Meanwhile, the layered guitar sounds in the background become a lost frequency desperately trying to get tuned in.

2. “I Think You Love Me” casts doubt on a girl who is trying to play it off like she’s no longer interested in the guy, but the dude is confident and knows differently. There’s an excitement knowing that it’s not over between them – there’s still feelings there as much as she denies it. Sporting an energetic, driving beat, Beach Boys-style background harmonies, and lyrics pouring with refined cockiness, this one is totally ripe for a music video (think Golden Age of MTV). I could see some hottie playing hard to get with Tommy Walker belting the lyrics at a rooftop party in New York City while the rest of the band is rocking out somewhere on the Hudson River just before night falls. Keep an ear out for an awesome dueling guitar shred, one guitar is swirling and full of effect while the other is a killer ’80s style rock solo.

3. “Do You Want It?” yes indeed, power pop and retro rock fans will certainly want it. This is some intricately crafted pop saturated with a delicious glaze of space age sounds and topped with a funky rock beat. Is that a theremin I hear? This track gets me all charged up. You can see the band perform it live at Six Flags Great Adventure here in New Jersey from back in 2012 below.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSsLrWJNvhA?rel=0]

4. “Sometimes It’s All Too Much” highlights the immense production of the album. Sunny ’70s pop rock morphs into an arena rock anthem. This track will most likely prompt a few lighters to ignite in the crowd. The electronic elements from Jeff Manian are a special ingredient.

5. Next up is “True True Love” written by guitarist Ivan Anderson. Love songs are never my thing, but this is hands down the greatest song on the album. No exaggeration, it’s a superbly formulated throwback to the latter day crooner style of love songs. Feels like Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love” had a one night stand with Extreme’s “More Than Words,” while the Beatles listened and nodded in approval. Lush harmonies and calm beautiful guitar work make this a standout. In the end, it floats back into space, or as I like to refer to it, the “Moving in Stereo Effect.”

6. Picking up the pace is “Bad 4 U.” The early Sambora-style intro sets the stage for this infectious head bopping rocker. “Now that I’ve got your attention, you’re my main attraction” sings Tommy Walker. That lyric makes total sense following the previous heartfelt love song. This is Tommy Walker’s best vocal performance since his range is on display as well as his Butch Walker influence. This is straight up hard melodic rock at its best, complete with Ivan’s sick guitar solo. This is Sweet Fix’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.”

7. Marco leads us in with a “Living after Midnight” style drum intro on “The Last Night of Our Lives” This tremendously chilled out rocker is Chicago on Ecstasy in Space. Puts me in a good mood which is probably exactly what they intended it to do. Possibly my favorite track, but I haven’t officially made up my mind yet.

8. Fitting that “This Aint Over” ushers this mammoth CD into the home stretch. The pulsing beat makes me feel like I was playing Super Mario Brothers and Mario jumped down a pipe into a secret Jimmy Eat World stage. The freaking vocal harmonies! I’ll say it right now, no matter how much I despise the show Glee, they need to do an entire episode with songs from this album. As Billy Joe from Green Day said in This is 40: “You got a song on Glee? That’s killer, man. That’s so much money, that’s good for all of us.” Not sure if they used a keytar here, but it sure sounds like it, and more of those awesome Beach Boys style background vocals are always welcome.

9. Yes, I’m really about to write this, and I’m actually not drunk or wasted in any way shape or form: The quintessential celestial instrumental that sends it all home is “Golden Age.” It sounds like guitarist Ivan Anderson birthed this while on his last vacation…on Saturn. The ethereal mood transported me into the another galaxy as I float amongst the stars. The sounds created sparkles and moved back and forth through my brain on a conveyor belt. It was either that or KITT’s red LCD display is trying to tell me something telepathically.

Sweet Fix’s badass logo – Skull Pez!

As with many independent bands there’s often a distinct improvement from their early EPs and albums, but in this case, their previous efforts Sparks in the Dark, and FM Radio/Make a Move sound just as solid, but Golden Age is sprinkled with a dash of pop rocks and more synth, creating a hybrid that Ivan the guitarist refers to as “Cyber Rock.”

What I appreciate most about Sweet Fix is that they pull from various different genres and generations of music. Ironically, their own sweet fix isn’t for candy, it’s for the diverse cross section of tunes that help to create their musical mutation which resides far off in Candy Land where the band plays on top of the Gumdrop Mountain. It sounds preposterous, but they’ve somehow combined pop, new wave, glam, modern and classic rock into one concise album. Clocking in at under 30 minutes, it’s fast paced, memorable, and pretty f*cking epic thanks to the bands creativity and the outstanding production from Geoff Stanfield.

It’s been a while since the days when fun party rock reigned. I miss the days of over the top antics, colorful clothes, hot girls on stage, and David Lee Roth doing splits in the air. Mainstream music is a bore. If you can recall the days blasting music in the car with your friends singing at the top of your lungs and when air guitaring at a friends house made you feel awesome and want to get a little crazy, then you know it’s high time to rock out like that again. Golden Age will help you do just that. Find your old disc man, get your headphones, and escape to a higher plane of existence, and listen to Sweet Fix revitalize rock music.

With their enhanced sound, SWEET FIX is a band to catch in concert. Their bombastic and flashy live show is a spectacle and it’s worth your time to check them out. See them at The Studio in Webster Hall in NYC tonight (2/1/14) for their first show of the year with more shows to be announced soon!

You can pick up Golden Age on iTunes and BandCamp

http://sweetfix.bandcamp.com/music

https://www.facebook.com/thesweetfix
https://www.youtube.com/user/TheSweetFix

http://www.sweetfixmusic.com

Sick To Be Square: Reuniting with Entenmann’s Almond Squares

Posted on January 28, 2014 by sexyarmpit

Strep throat sucks. I’m not presently afflicted with it right now, but I’ll never forget the first time that I had it. I was about 12 or 13 and it felt like the absolute worst kind of sickness I ever had up to that point in my life. Mostly because for that week or so, eating became an activity that I dreaded.

A chef I am not. A food reviewer? Far from it. But, like most of you, I’m a devourer of food. I enjoy the eating experience. Some people I know like to get it over with as quickly as possible. They’d rather open a compartment in their stomach and just place the food right inside than sit for an hour laboring over a delicious home cooked meal. Not me, I think eating is one of life’s greatest pleasures. To be so familiar with that kind of indulgence and then to have it randomly ripped away from you by a stupid sore throat is not cool. Do I sound over dramatic? Well, it was a severe sore throat, OK?

This might have been the first time that I realized that I was taking food for granted. Not only was I used to savoring my mom’s home cooking on an almost nightly basis, but, after dinner I usually liked to have something sweet. I was never a huge cake person, but if there was a box of anything Entenmann’s in the house, that shit wouldn’t last more than a couple of days. The variety pack of donuts (the one they’ve been selling forever) would be dead meat if it came within a few feet of my radar. Nowadays I don’t crave sweets anywhere near as much, but back then, an Entenmann’s box knew that its days were numbered as soon as it was removed from the plastic A&P bag and set off to the side on the kitchen counter. It was saying Hail Marys and making last minute alterations to its living will. What do you pass down to your niece, the sweet cheese danish?

The “Ultimate” Almond Squares – now with a layer of Raspberry filling

So, that bout of strep throat brought my appreciation of eating to an abrupt halt. Rather than savoring the delicious dinner that my mother slaved over that evening, I was swallowing what could only be described as a meal of razorblades chased with a tall glass of Everclear. Damn strep throat. Consider yourself very lucky if you’ve never had to deal with this illness. An irritated and throbbing throat is never a welcome feeling, but strangely, it didn’t effect everything I ate.

Obviously, you don’t want to be eating hot buffalo wings with strep throat. Of course, chicken soup and tea with honey and lemon soothes your throat, but not many other meals can be considered good strep throat foods. It was that night that I inadvertently discovered that I was still able to eat and thoroughly enjoy a certain dessert.

My mom went grocery shopping earlier that day. She picked me up some throat lozenges and a few other things to make dinner. She also bought a dessert that she thought I’d like.

The classy white and blue Entenmann’s box was such a tease. The box sat on a slim stretch of counter between the stove and the wall, it couldn’t have been more than a foot wide, and the box nestled into it’s home quite perfectly. For the rest of the day, and through dinner time, my mouth watered desperately for the contents of the Entemann’s box. Why would I even bother indulging in dessert when I could barely eat or drink anything?

These Almond Squares looked so damn good that it was worth risking the most intense throat pain for them. I’m not talking about Hollywood Squares, or Quaker Oatmeal Squares, these were Entenmann’s f’n Almond Squares. Their mystique was legendary. While not as mainstream as their “Crumb Coffee Cake” or their “All Butter Loaf Cake,” I would not be denying myself these evenly cut squares of moist cake, doused in almond flavoring with powdered sugar on top, even if they were considered a mid-card offering.

I was in need of some comfort food. Besides, there was no rule in the house that said because I was sick that I couldn’t eat these. They were fair game and somehow I had it in my head that these wouldn’t annihilate my throat like the rest of the stuff I was ingesting like chicken parm. In fact, a part of me (the batshit insane part of me) thought they might actually heal my throat.

After dinner, I waited until my shows were on, and I switched the black and white TV on that we had in the kitchen, grabbed the box and plopped my sick ass down at the table. I started going to town on these delectably moist and heavenly squares of powdered perfection and all seemed right in the universe. I had almost forgotten that I was even sick. In fact, several squares into my session, I forgot I even had a sore throat!

Could it be? Could these Almond Squares have powers beyond my knowledge that weren’t listed in the ingredients? Shouldn’t Entenmann’s be required by the FDA to list that type of thing on the box? “Enjoy this delicious treat…also, our Almond Squares WILL CURE STREP THROAT.”

Several years later I recalled how much I loved these Almond Squares. It wasn’t just because I was sick and they provided me with some temporary relief. It was because they were actually awesome. I couldn’t imagine a world without them. Every single time my mom went food shopping I asked her to pick them up for me. I guess it wasn’t meant to be though, because the Squares and I never reunited. My mom broke it to me that she was never able to find them again after that.

Not too long after I got my license I was able to drive around on my own to several local grocery stores and even the Entenmanns outlet store in Edison, NJ to see if they had them. Of course, they were nowhere to be found. At that time, the Internet wasn’t even a valuable enough tool to even consider trying to get a straight answer about them, so I just called Entenmanns. The first rep told me they had no idea what I was referring to. The next rep I spoke to later put me on hold and when she returned she explained to me that they haven’t been made in nearly 4 or 5 years and there were no plans for them to return any time soon.

I never gave up my quest. Every time I passed the Entenmann’s display in the grocery store I would check for those tasty little square bastards. Never found them. Then, back in 2007, I decided to give it another shot. I called and e-mailed Entenmann’s. Again the rep told me they no longer made them, which was a piece of info which I had already known for many years. My last hope was the e-mail I sent to them. I waited several weeks, but never received a reply.

On one random day, I checked my mailbox and noticed a letter from Entenmanns. I felt like Clark Griswold in anticipation of opening up the envelope with his Christmas bonus. Would it be a certificate telling me that they were giving me a lifetime supply of Almond Squares for my undying support of their products? Was it an official Entenmann’s Almond Squares Ribbon that I could wear proudly on my jacket lapel? Was it the secret recipe from their vault so I can make them at home? WHAT WAS IT? I tore it open to find out.

What kind of witchcraft was this? A mysterious letter? I actually held it in my hands, it wasn’t an e-mail. It was made if paper and the coupons they slipped into the envelope were obviously made from pure rhodium. The coupons were worth well more than the savings it leads you to believe. Each one weighs 3 lbs.

What do we got for ’em Johnny? Parting gifts include two Rhodium encrusted limited edition Entenmann’s coupons for $0.40 cents off any of their products. Expires 6/30/08

I could’ve easily expressed my thoughts about this back in 2007, but if I felt like it would be a waste of time because there was no way anyone else would have the same passion as I did to make this into an actual thing. I’m not saying I was going to be orchestrating a campaign or picketing outside Entenmann’s Headquarters to get these squares back on store shelves, but I was absolutely making more noise about these damn Almond Squares than anyone else on the freaking planet, especially nearly 15 years since the last time I remember eating them.

Now, it’s been over 20 years, and as a goof, I figured I’d do a Google search for them. What do you know? A new “Ultimate” version of the squares are available miraculously and nobody from Entenmann’s notified me. I checked the product locator on their site and immediately drove to the nearest store they listed. I picked up 2 packs.

I’m about to eat one now.

They are little different. I can’t officially say for sure, but I don’t remember the original having a layer of raspberry filling in them, but these are now referred to as “Ultimate Almond Squares.” The word Ultimate is possibly there to indicate the inclusion of the raspberry. The almond flavor and the moist consistency is all I remember though. They are still good, but I’m thinking this raspberry filling is an added feature to appeal to the newer, edgier dessert buying crowd. I’m just thankful they’re not Red Velvet Almond Squares. That would be a major sellout.

I have to say that this is the euphoric culmination of a 20 year chase that I had hoped for. Naturally, compared to when I was 13, I’m now able to deal with getting a sore throat better than when I was a kid. I’m forever thankful to Entenmanns Almond Squares for being there by my side to make my first battle with strep throat slightly less torturous.

Check out two other Entenmann’s posts here at The Sexy Armpit:

http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/search/label/entenmanns

* Entenamnn’s has been a tradition in the Northeast since 1898 and is now owned by Bimbo Bakeries, USA, the American arm of Mexico’s Grupo Bimbo. http://www.entenmanns.com/