From Our NJ Friend Tommy Salami @ Pluck You Too!
And I always thought it looked like an outline of George Washington, boy was I waay off!
Tommy Salami of Pluck You Too! is a movie blogger from NJ. He sent this masterpiece over to The Sexy Armpit so I had it blown up, framed, and hung in my living room. If you got a problem with that I’ll break your legs and throw you in the swamp next to The Borgata. Yeah, I didn’t think so you sonofabitch! I’m not sure where Tommy got this pic or if he actually created it himself, either way, it’s a classic! And, NO, we don’t ALL look like that here in New Jersey. Be sure to check out Tommy’s film commentary and his “Hump Day” column, it’s f’n spectacular.
What are you lookin’ at ya pricks? Get the f–k outta heeyuh, there’s nuttin’ to see!
NJ T-Shirt Tuesday
There’s an infinite number of New Jersey t-shirts for sale on the Internet. Whether you’re into parodies, sarcasm, or you desperately yearn to elicit an “OH SNAP!” from your friends, you’ll never have to look too far for the perfect shirt. Today, let’s take a look at just a few of the endless supply of New Jersey t- shirts available. I’ll make this a frequent segment since it would be a crime to leave out some of the other brilliant shirts I’ve discovered while scouring the Internet. In this column you won’t see a typical shirt featuring the outline of the state that simply says New Jersey, I’ll be concentrating on t-shirts with original ideas or funny concepts on them.
Our first set is from Solid Threads, a New Jersey company whose business skyrockted in the past 7 years. They’re proud of their state and ballsy enough to dedicate an entire section of their website to that fact! Solid Threads even started the NJFU club (It’s not what you think! It stands for the New Jersey Fraternal Union), a highly exclusive club in which only elite Jersey peeps can gain membership.
Less Than Jake: “Never Going Back to New Jersey”
As a fan of bands who at one time wore tight leather pants, teased hair, and more makeup than your Aunty Sharon, you can see why I never got into Less Than Jake. Their upbeat ska influenced sound is bouncy and fun to listen to, which explains their legion of fans, but I just never connected with it. It’s possible that if Less Than Jake were a New Jersey sensation like Bon Jovi was 25 years ago, perhaps I’d be an LTJ junkie. What’s strange is how many New Jersey references a ska band out of Florida could be responsible for. Upon finding their track “Never Going Back to New Jersey” on the You Tubes, I was compelled to investigate further.
Vinnie Fiorello, drummer and lyricist of Less Than Jake, is the reason to LOVE Less Than Jake. Fiorello moved out of Jersey and down to Florida at 16, and soon became a founding member of the band. In what’s probably several million shades more angry than third wave ska, Fiorello has said his drumming is influenced by Dave Lombardo of Slayer, hence the 2 Slayer cover tunes LTJ has released. With his extensive musical background and savvy for the business, Fiorello co-founded the Fueled By Ramen record label in the late ’90s. The label rose to fame thanks to bands like Jimmy Eat World, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Paramore, The Academy Is, Cobra Starship, Gym Class Heros etc.
Once the company was overran with faygeles like Pete Wentz, Fiorello, in a Jersey-style manner, told the label to F–k off. He left to start 2 of his own record companies, Sleep it Off Records, and Paper and Plastick. He’s also got Wunderland War, a company that makes radtacular toys and clothes. Right on Vinnie!
In an article published on Buzznet via Kerrang, Fiorello described how up and coming bands are better off trying to break into the business independently: “You don’t need Pete (Wentz) hyping you…It’s a brand new game out there kids, f–k the old model. Don’t believe the hype.” Hey Vinnie, just so you know, The Sexy Armpit wholeheartedly shares in your distaste for Pete Wentz! Just type in “Pete Wentz Sucks“ in Google. That’s just a link to my article on Pete Wentz SUCKING!!!
I have no idea where he gets the time in his busy entrepreneurial schedule, but Fiorello has also written a children’s book called Sometimes Robots Are Happy Being Robots: 13 Stories Looking Into the World of Robots, and he keeps a blog: www.pickyourpoisons.com. Here’s a pic of a few of the cool things you can buy at Fiorello’s Wunderland War Online Store:
The Hindenburg Disaster
Emil Salvini, author and fellow blogger over at Tales of the New Jersey Shore, posted a blog about the anniversary of the Hindenburg crash last week. Even though this disaster is permanently weaved into popular culture, many people may not be aware that it occured on May 6th, 1937 at Lakehurst Naval Air Station in Manchester Township, New Jersey. A slew of theories exist regarding what actually caused the German airship to ignite into flames, but the number of theories pale in comparison to the staggering amount of times the event gets mentioned in our everyday life.
As terrible as it was, the crash of the rigid airship Hindenburg is still a prominent pop culture reference and powerful visual. You can easily find mentions of Chicago announcer Herbert Morrison’s utterance of “Oh, the humanity,” or a picture of the flaming craft itself in commercials, TV shows, and and magazines.
The Gods of Rock, Led Zeppelin, were brazen enough to use the image of the famous Hindenburg disaster as cover art on their debut album. Don’t go thinking that the mighty Led Zep had no class, it’s quite the opposite actually. According to Wikipedia, Keith Moon was once quoted that the band would “go over like a lead balloon.” What was merely a self-deprecating, off-the-cuff comment by Moon turned into one of the most indelible album covers ever and had a new generation of kids thinking the photo was simply “the cover of a Led Zeppelin album.”
Artist George Hardie’s Rapidograph illustration of the famous photo
of the Hindenburg crash from United Press International.
Recently, The Hindenburg has also crashed the late night TV circuit. NBC’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon features a sharp sketch called the “Who Cares? Hindenburg” highlighting recent news pieces that Fallon rightfully deems irrelevant and need to die a horrible death. What better way to kill ’em than a send off in a flaming airship plummeting right into New Jersey? Funny shit…
He’s Dolph Ziggler and He Needs Google Maps
WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler, who formerly paraded around as a male cheerleader in The Spirit Squad, has proven himself a capable singles competitor on Friday Night Smackdown. Ziggler impressed me so much in such a short time and has soared high above another WWE Superstar who was supposedly destined for mega-success. Who is that other wrestler? Why it’s…(mic drops from rafters)…MISSSTTTEEERRR KENNEDY! Kennedy! Drawing comparisons between these two comes to me as easy as vomit travels up into my mouth whenever I see Vicki Guerrero.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Dolph Ziggler
It would be hard to determine a winner in this bout since both of these WWE Superstars sport bleach blonde hair, elicit strong crowd reactions, and introduce themselves repeatedly. In this competition, Kennedy excels thanks to the experience factor and cemented fan base, while Ziggler edges out Kennedy in mat versatility and ability to draw heat from the crowd. Ziggler’s determination will skyrocket him to the top of the WWE, but not before he pays his dues in matches against jobbers like M.V.P. who’s been riding off the fame of View host Sherri Shepard. Ziggler doesn’t need Joy Behar to get people to notice him, he’ll grab your attention whether you like it or not.
In this clip from WWE Smackdown, Ziggler refers to New York as New Jersey, “…I am gonna win the United States Championship tonight, right here in NEW JERSEY!” This is the ultimate sin to the ears of New Yorkers, especially those in the crowd packed into the world’s most famous arena, Madison Square Garden! May I call that a “Ziggler Zinger?” Oh, but of course we Jersey folks have to suck it up every single time a band or a singer shouts “How you doin’ New York?” when they’re in The Meadowlands in East Rutherford, NJ and when that same band is performing in Atlantic City greeting the crowd with a geographically erroneous “What’s up Philadelphia?” Why does Jersey always get the shaft? Right on Dolph Ziggler, you tell ’em where they’re at! After his “Hi, my name is Dolph Ziggler” intro, he should add a “What’s up New Jersey?” to his gimmick regardless of what state he’s wrestling in. Referring to all the states as New Jersey seems to be the supreme slap in the face. Regardless of good or bad press, thanks for name dropping NJ, Ziggler, we’ll take it!
Sushi Quest: Braggarts and Bathroom Posters
Last week, we finally found a Sushi place in Red Bank after realizing that Sunday is not the best day to embark on a such a search. I’m not a ritzy type of guy, I’d rather sit at home and microwave leftovers than have to eat at some pretentious establishment known for their distinct cuisine, but that describes many of the restaurants in Red Bank. My girlfriend and I were in the mood for some damn sushi and upon discovering 3 sushi places in the immediate area were closed, it seemed there’d be no sushi in our foreseeable future. I made a couple of phone calls and found out that The Bistro in Red Bank actually had great sushi.
After parking, we entered through the back entrance. I peeked down the hall and noticed that there weren’t any people sitting in the dining area. An employee walked by and I asked him “Are you guys open?” He followed up with “Not until 3:00 PM.” It was only a little after 2:00 PM at that point and I didn’t feel like waiting that long to eat. After growing more frustrated, we walked around to the front entrance and discovered that the restaurant was definitely open. There were people sitting in the seating area outside and in the front of the restaurant inside. I asked the waiter why the guy in the back of the restaurant told me they weren’t open yet and he said “Oh, he works at a different restaurant so he probably thought you meant his restaurant.” That didn’t register with me on a couple of levels. First, he was wearing the exact same black uniform the other Bistro employees were, so he couldn’t have been some nomadic waiter squatting at different restaurants in Red Bank until the one he works at opened. Secondly, if I asked him the question while standing INSIDE The Bistro, wouldn’t that obviously have meant that I was inquiring about the hours of the restaurant we were in at that moment? What an idiot.
On any typical day I would’ve grew angry and wondered how they could employ someone who lacked the ability to make sense of such a simple question. I took a deep breath, enjoyed the sunshine, salad, and sushi. Then as soon as I was beginning to calm down, a fire alarm started to ring across the street. A fair amount of smoke began to come out of a construction area in one of the storefronts.
While this emergency was going down, and the fire engine barreled down the street, a very snotty couple sitting beside us would not shut up. It seemed that this middle aged brunette with average looks, and a 60 something gray haired schlub, possibly her date, were off in their own world. The schlub kept talking about the 110-inch screen in his home theater room that he just had installed. I’m amazed at how many rich people walk around looking like they’re homeless but will brag about their possessions until you want to smack them in the mouth. Did I mention his exercise room? How could I miss that? He listed each feature of his fitness room including treadmills and free weights, but it was abundantly clear that he never touched any of that equipment EVER! In case you were curious, the seemingly unimpressed middle aged brunette will be making a move to Buenos Aires before summer and she’s also teaching in South Africa for part of the year. Hey schlubby, you should know that a big TV screen isn’t what impresses a woman, it’s how much of your fortune you’re willing to shell out to her!
‘The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” – Alexander Knox, Batman (1989)
The day became even more interesting when I made a trip to the bathroom. As I walked up to the urinal, I noticed the poster on the wall in front of me said “What Movie…Whose Line? 101 Classic Movie Quotes.” I never would’ve made the correlation between the act of guessing movie lines and pissing in a urinal, but it’s a damn good idea. Let’s take it to the next level and lobby to have small LCD screens with movies and trivia games installed right above every urinal and toilet. This would prevent rogue piss droplets being sprayed all over by guys who can’t aim. This poster is effective for guys who can’t seem to look straight ahead when doing their business. There’s no reason why a guy should be looking over at another guy, but if you just can’t help yourself then it should be the mission of the proprietor to keep you entertained. A word of advice to all owners of establishments with bathrooms: Buy entertaining posters, it keeps guys focused!
One of the first quotes I managed to glance at was awesome: “Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!” – Sarah, Labyrinth (1986)
Brooke Hogan’s 21st Birthday in New Jersey
Is Atlantic City hurting that bad? They’ve stooped to dropping the atomic leg drop on Brooke Hogan in order to convince her to celebrate her 21st birthday at Harrah’s Resort. How many people dropping nickels into machines in Atlantic City are interested in VH1’s Brooke Knows Best? How many of their kids are even interested in that show? VH1 is a station that prides themselves on Bret Michaels being their golden boy. Are young girls watching Daisy of Love and Charm School with their 40-something moms? I hope not or this country has gone down the tubes completely.
I don’t think I’m out of line in saying that Brooke Hogan is NOT a draw in any way. Now, Paris Hilton on the other hand, despite her bevy of haters, IS a traditional draw in Atlantic City. Hmm, let’s weigh in: Brooke is the uninteresting daughter of the O.J Simpson co-conspirator Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton is best known for being a media whore and a lame sex tape actress. Just based on the sex tape alone I’d have to go with hosting Paris’ bday instead. Somehow I think Brooke would be more successful if she just broke down and decided to become a WWE Diva. It’s her destiny. Or she could just make a lame sex tape.
Let’s hope Brooke’s brother Nick isn’t driving her to Harrah’s from the airport or else everyone on the Garden State Parkway is in big trouble. Oh and BTW, please keep her whack job mother Linda faaarrrr away from NJ.
May 9th at Harrah’s Casino & Resort
With a bargain basement admission price of a mere $25 bucks!!!
Top 10 Reasons to Watch The Wrestler on Blu-Ray
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may never get to own Randy The Ram’s extremely collectible ($300) action figure that rests on his dashboard, but there are other ways I’m able to relive the movie. I merely have to crank up Accept’s “Balls to the Wall” in my car if I want to get pumped up like Randy the Ram did en route to his comeback match. But think about this…”Balls to the Wall” in BLU-RAY!!! That doesn’t necessarily mean that if you don’t experience The Wrestler on Blu-Ray you’ll have to put your Blu-balls to the wall, but you will be missing out in a HUGE way.
And now, coming down the aisle, from The Armpit of NJ, weighing in at 10 entries long, here’s the Top 10 Reasons to Watch The Wrestler on Blu-Ray!
1) You can witness Marisa Tomei’s boobs in all their blu ray glory. At 45 years old, Tomei looks way sexier than all the old, washed up, strippers who nobody buys dances from. Strip clubs throughout NJ would benefit from having employees look as good as she does in The Wrestler. What’s even cooler is that she’s a stripper who’s all into ’80s hard rock:
Cassidy: Fuckin’ 80’s man, best shit ever!
Randy: Bet your ass man, Guns N’ Roses rules.
Cassidy: Crue!
Randy: Yeah!
Cassidy: Def Lep!
Randy: Then that Cobain pussy had to come around and ruin it all.
Cassidy: Like there’s something wrong with just wanting to have a good time?
She’s a girl after my own heart.
2) If you have a good sound system at home, turn this one up to 11! The Wrestler features awesome headbanging tracks from GNR, Quiet Riot, RATT, Slaughter, Firehouse, and The Scorpions. Also, listen up for Slash’s guitar work on the musical score, and of course Bruce Springsteen’s brilliant title track. Pay a visit to Gears of Rock for more on the music featured in the film.
3) Watch Randy do the RAM JAM off the top rope right into your living room! It’s one of the coolest fictional finishing moves.
4) Find yourself in awe of genius casting. Judah Friedlander kills his role as Scott Brumberg, an indy wrestling promoter/convention organizer. The only way Aronofsky could’ve made this role more authentic is if he grabbed a real indy promoter from an east coast show and put him in the film. Go to a wrestling convention like Legends of the Ring or Signamania and you’ll see what I mean! Check out his Trenton Devils jersey! While it may seem subtle, or just an average cameo to some people, Friedlander’s performance is truly uncanny.
5) Listen closely for the roll call before the matches and you’ll hear the name of local NJ wrestler, and Sexy Armpit ally, Rob Eckos.
6) Among the bevy of independent wrestlers who appear in the film, JIM POWERS, formerly of the tag team The Young Stallions shows up! His Wikipedia entry claims he now resides in East Rutherford, NJ.
7) Soak up the gorgeous NJ locales. Here are some of the towns in NJ The Wrestler was filmed in: Elizabeth, Linden, Rahway, Roselle Park, Asbury Park, Garfield, Keansburg, Lake Hiawatha, Hasbrouck Heights, Dover, and a Bayonne supermarket.
8) The Bloody Deli Meat slicer from HELL! That thing had a mind of it’s own! “Hey lady, you want some fucking cheese? Get your own fucking cheese!” Damn straight.
9) Randy the Ram’s cocaine fueled banging of a blonde bimbo in the bathroom will be even MORE amusing this time around…
10) There’s nothing quite like watching a guy staple a $5 dollar bill into his own forehead in high definition.
The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack Review
Right this second in New Jersey, 2 miles away from Tromaville in fact, I sit atop an old hazardous chemicals canister that doubles as my computer desk in the toxic dumping grounds (it was empty, but thanks for your concern). I’ve been experimenting in my lab. No, I’m not trying to discover a cure for Toxie’s grossness, but I am trying to find out if the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical holds up after multiple listens. In order to figure this out, I’ve been alternating between blasting it’s songs for a few minutes then immersing the disc in mass quantities of green chemicals. After all, the theme of the musical is “be green,” right? Ohhhh, they meant, like, the environment and stuff? Well, if I discover the CD is that good, I’ll never have to throw it away, hence making LESS GARBAGE in New Jersey! It’s a win-win!
Not to be a blowhard, but I was lucky enough to review The Toxic Avenger Musical when it premiered in New Brunswick, NJ (click here for the review). After the show, the tunes wouldn’t leave my head for the rest of the night. Seriously, from a guy’s point of view, plays and musicals don’t seem to appeal to us as much as they do to girls. Personally, I enjoy going to a play once in a while like Rock of Ages, and even though not the studliest of musicals, Chicago. It really isn’t too bad, but how many guys do you know that would drive around town in their vehicle with their windows down blasting “Dance: Ten; Looks: Three” from A Chorus Line? For those who don’t want to risk it, they can feel A-OK about popping in the Original Cast Recording of The Toxic Avenger Musical.
Be advised that this is not some half assed rip off of the Troma classic, The Toxic Avenger. Unlike The Wedding Singer, and Legally Blonde, this is a sharply written, hallucinogenic, metaphorical, musical comedy. Now let’s see what David Bryan and Joe DiPietro can create with that mound of descriptions! It’s likely whatever they come up with wouldn’t be able to go face to sludge with the outlandish fun they’ve created for the soundtrack to the Toxic Avenger Musical.
“Everything oozes.”
“It’s never the same pus from one moment to the next.”
Sounds like it might be some dialogue from a song on The Toxie Musical Soundtrack, right? WRONG! It’s actually some dialogue from Waiting for Godot, the play you WON’T have to go see if you can convince your girlfriend to STAY HOME and listen to the Toxic Avenger soundtrack that you ordered. Trust me, this will work if you promise to act out Toxie’s parts! (Just get a mop and glue some green jello to your face, you’ll be fine.) Now this is more like it:
“There’s a place between heaven and hell, don’t need a map just follow the smell…a place filled with filthy air…a place filled with dark despair… A place called New Jersey! New Jersey….The Garden State.”
“There’s an exit called the 13B, right off the Turnpike where it smells just like pee…” To the rare breed of people who actually defend NJ from it’s constant pop culture persecution, this stuff is bittersweet, immortal poetry. Finally, these heartwarming sentiments have permanently etched their way into Broadway! So, Suck it New York City! haha. The words of the songs may seem elementary at first listen, but at least you won’t have to use an iPhone app to decipher the meanings of the songs. The easily relatable ideas of physical freakishness and pollution are two themes the soundtrack imaginatively evokes.
Creating fumes for Toxie as his blind love interest is Sarah, played by Sarah Chase. Put away your hatred of blind jokes for “My Big French Boyfriend,” and share Toxie’s level of cloud 9 gratification as he sings “Thank God She’s Blind” in appreciation of Sarah’s embrace of his hideousness. These pop rock tunes, although fluffy at times, still retain a dramatic tone. “Hot Toxic Love” can be considered the musical’s equivalent to Bon Jovi’s “Always” if it was turned on it’s head, shoved into a garbage can, and submerged in bright, bubbling, green slime.
Without relying on any visuals, Toxie’s tune “Kick Your Ass,” will empower you. This track follows Melvin Ferd after he is “reborn” as Toxie, a hulking hero that could er…excuse the redundancy, “kick ass.” Now, every time I hear “Kick Your Ass,” or any number of combinations, such as kick ass, kick his ass, kick my ass, or kick your mother’s ass, I hear the awesome rap rock stylings of “Kick Your Ass.” “I’m gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!” I can keep singing it for at least 3 more minutes and then I’ll just sound like a total douche, especially because I’m alone, but you get my point. It’s infectious. What? You’re saying it’s NOT infectious? Now I’m really gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!
As The Mayor of Tromaville, Nancy Opel’s zesty stage performance, and her unbelievably elastic singing voice ensure a long life for the musical. On “Jersey Girl” (complete with Bruce and Bon Jovi references) and “Evil is Hot,” Opel easily shines as the standout performer in the show. If you don’t believe me, the proof is burned by lasers into the CD! In just a couple of her signature moments, Opel plays dual roles and also utters the line “these two breasts can be yours, you can’t buy them in stores, go ahead take a bite!” How’s that for an opening line? But the moment that tops them all is when she belts out the endearing ditty, “Bitch/Slut/Liar/Whore.” When you’re playing this track for your girlfriend you can go into the nuances of Opel’s performance. Tell your girlfriend that this track truly displays Opel’s wide range of talent and at the same time it’ll also allow you to say “YOU WHORE!” without getting in trouble. In other words, this song has a built in “get out of jail free” card. Go ahead, feel free to sing it with me! “You Whoooooore!” See honey? You just have to appreciate the subtlety!
The CD saves the best for last. If the NJ Tourism commission had a copy of the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical they would easily forgo Bon Jovi’s “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” for “A Brand New Day in New Jersey.” The upbeat finale to The Toxic Avenger Musical rouses the audience into a standing ovation with every performance.
As for my aforementioned research, here are my scientifically authoritative findings:
If you find yourself singing songs from Rocky Horror while making your morning coffee “…I was just seven hours old…” then you will surely enjoy The Toxic Avenger soundtrack. It’s music is daring, especially in a modern musical climate suffocated with dance pop crap and poorly written, overproduced, hip-hop. You’ll hear clever lyrics that will surely give you a laugh regardless of what exit you are on the Turnpike. Even though Toxie has gone onto bigger venues (The New World Stages in New York City), and left NJ in the dust, you can still experience the songs! Great news,”You can breathe now in New Jersey, so you won’t catch cancer and die!” And there’s “no more garbage in New Jersey, cause we dump it in Vermont!” Thank you Toxie, NJ is no longer polluted and blanketed with fumes! You’ve made it safe for us to inhale!
The original cast recording of The Toxic Avenger is produced by David Bryan of Bon Jovi.
In addition, the CD also contains “You Tore My Heart Out,” a bonus track performed by David Bryan. The CD will be released on May 5th. You can order it here, and on iTunes!
New World Stages
340 West 50th
New York, NY 10019