This year’s 8-ton Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is from Hamilton, New Jersey! Jeez,the tree is going up already? Seriously? I’m still reeling from Halloween! How The Grinch Stole Christmas and The Wizard of Oz aired on TBS last night. I’m not prepared. I guess it’s time to kick my Christmas spirit into gear.
The Watchmen’s Comedian Can Finally Scratch His Sexy Armpit!
I was just thrown for a loop when I noticed this…
In the pages of Watchmen, The Comedian makes a reference to The Sexy Armpit. OK, OK…you got me. It’s completely fake.
“Name The Sexy Armpit Girl” Contest Winner!
A big THANK YOU to everyone who entered the contest and came up with such great names! I was excited to see how many responses I received. it was difficult, but after a painstaking elimination process I’ve chosen a winner! Even though I’ve chosen a name, (thanks Corinne!) I will be keeping the names on hand for possible use in other aspects of the site. I’ll announce the name of The Sexy Armpit girl in an upcoming post!
I find it funny that the He-Man T-Shirt contest hasn’t been anywhere near as successful as the Monstrous Halloween Prize pack giveaway was. It just goes to show, people would rather wear a shirt with an image of an unnamed hot chick leaning on a slimy N.J Turnpike sign than a Battle Armor He-Man Ringer T-Shirt. I suppose the action figure it’s inspired by has a real niche fan base. What am I saying? I nearly exploded with amazement when I saw that such an awesome shirt existed! That contest will be over at the end of the month if you’d still like to enter.
I can’t say I have any parting gifts to be announced by Johnny Gilbert or anything, but all of the names and ideas were very creative and made me laugh. If I had enough resources (money) you’d all get prize packs and then I can also save my house from being foreclosed on and having Troy’s father build a golf course over it. Trash the Goondocks.
Here’s some of the best entries:
Pitricia submitted by Richard
Obnoxia Grimm or get different chicks and number them after their TPK exits – submitted by Sal
Pike-slut Penny, The Jersey Swirl, Waxed Winona, Road Rash Roxy, Barbie Beefeater, Sin Sational, Janet “Slow Hand ” Jones, Siena Swallows, Sexy’s Squeeze, Connie Lingus, TeaBag Terry, Lolly Gagger – submitted by John from N.J
Felony Turnpike, Camden Bristol, or just…Jersey – submitted by Joe Sherlock aka Dr. Squid http://www.drsquid.net/ http://fandcproductions.blogspot.com/
Josey T. Urnpike submitted by Ace Johnson
There were several more but these were some of the most memorable. Based on creativity, number of ideas, and sheer determination of the contestant, the Monstrous Prize Pack goes to…
John from N.J! Congratulations! Thanks for being a part of The Sexy Armpit!
Batman, Turkey Wants Retribution!
Batman, Turkey sues Christopher Nolan for stealing it’s name? WTF? Is this just a “kicker” or just a turkey pun? Maybe they should’ve been on the ball with their lawsuit back in ’39! Assholes.
The Sexy Armpit Turns 4!
At the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month (there’s that number again!) World War 1 came to an end. 11/11 is now celebrated as Veterans Day, and in a completely unrelated coincidence…The Sexy Armpit’s birthday! Woooo-hoooo! The Big 0-4! I’ve taken the liberty to have Chef Allen of the Royal Palace whip up a special treat for all of us to enjoy. I figured it would help us celebrate such a momentous occasion!
Jay: Yo, Chef Allen! Why don’t you have your guys roll that big mofo out here…
King Randor: Um, Jay?
Jay: Yes, King Randor?
King Randor: Don’t you think this ridiculously sized cake is a little much for only a 4 year anniversary?
Jay: Awww yeah! That’s the way we do it sucka! Hey Adora…are you impressed by it’s size? They say the size of a man’s cake is an indication of…
Jay: WTF?
(all of a sudden there’s a blinding flash of light and a cool beaming sound effect)
Holy Shit! What the hell was that? Damn, I was just trying to enjoy The Sexy Armpit’s 4-year anniversary and you had to make it an exploding cake didn’t you Chef Allen? You mutha-
Jay: DID SKELETOR AND HORDAK JUST JUMP OUT OF MY CAKE? Oh man, I can’t think of a better present, thank you all so much! They were my favorites growing up. Hey guys…when’s your little strip dance? You are here for that aren’t you? That’s usually what happens when people pop out of a cake, especially gigantic pink frilly ones! Now I think you’re obligated, you owe it to these fine people. You can’t let them down now! At least Kobra Khan cause he’s probably got some trouser snake…umm, OK…I guess I’ll shut up now…
…gulp…
Hysterical Video: The Big Lebowski vs. He-Man
I found this video while on a routine Google search. It’s He-Man footage with audio from The Big Lebowski!
Big Lebowski Vs He-Man — “He peed on my rug”
Upstate Farms Intense Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk
I don’t scream for ice cream, I sort of give a half-assed whimper. Considering all the junk food and candy that I talk about here at the Armpit, I’m actually not a big fan dessert or candy. If I have to choose a dessert, I enjoy simple stuff like milk and cookies. Not surprisingly, chocolate chip cookies are one of my favorites, and if they’re homemade I like them even more. But when you’re dealing with a strange guy like me, it can never be that easy. Milk and cookies aren’t much work to whip up, but not in my case. I like my chocolate chip cookies homemade, and WITHOUT the chocolate chips! To me they just interfere with my favorite part of the cookie.
Amongst my profusion of hangups, quirks, and pet peeves, I also loathe the chips of chocolate in Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. The funny part is, I’m not a chocolate hater, it’s just that the chips ultimately get in the way of my enjoyment of the dessert. The chips in mint chocolate chip ice cream always get stuck in my teeth and it’s super annoying. I’d like to enjoy the chocolate but I can’t because it makes a pit stop in my molars and doesn’t come out until I brush my teeth. If I could just get the pastel green mint ice cream sans the chocolate chips, I’d be a pig in shit. The only way I could take it to the next level is if I had mint (remember: no chocolate chips) in “soft ice cream” form rather than “hard.”
When I was a kid I remember telling my sister that I liked letting my ice cream turn into “soup.” Once my ice cream liquefied I would just drink it right out of the bowl. Drinkable ice cream was my favorite, and still is. I even like to let my ICEE’s and Slurpee’s melt so I could get the prime flavor of the syrup without the minuscule ice pellets getting in the way and freezing my brain. To sum up what you’ve just read: I like my Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream melted and without chocolate chips in it.
On my weekly trip to Wegman’s, I was waiting in line to check out but got distracted by a plastic bottle of green liquid in a refrigerated section near the exit. Wegman’s has an extra dairy section at the front of the store for convenience, in case you don’t feel like running all the way to the back of the store just to grab a gallon of milk. I grabbed the “Intense” Mint Chip flavor by Upstate Farms immediately as if I was the only person who knew this treasure was on the shelf!
Aside from name dropping their own brand name about 62 times, (Intense!) the label on the back of the bottle describes the drink as “…a creamy and indulgent drink…” Then the label goes on to say “This is the drink of choice for the mint chip ice cream lover on the go.” It’s fairly awesome that they’re actually marketing a drink to a group of people known as “mint chip ice cream lovers.” I never realized I was part of that demographic, but I like it! The Intense Mint Chip contains the typical benefits of milk such as vitamins and protein, but unfortunately has 35 MG’s of cholesterol in case you’d rather not have a heart attack.
Intense Mint Chip is the type of drink you want to sip on a crisp moonlit night while you’re rolling down the highway as the street lights are streaking past you like your in light speed and the stereo is blasting Laura Branigan’s “Self Control.” It doesn’t matter that you’re sipping milk…you still feel really cool. Trust me.
Considering how exalted the Mint Chip flavor is, the Orange Scream can’t come close to its greatness. Think of the Intense Orange Scream as the sub par sequel, or the redheaded stepchild of the Intense milk family. Upstate Farms falls short with their Orange Scream, which is yet another failed attempt at creating the classic orange cream flavor. (Sunkist also failed recently with their miserable orange cream float.) One of the major strikes against Orange Scream is that it substitutes what’s supposed to be a nondescript “cream” flavor for a strong vanilla flavor. The cream shouldn’t necessarily be defined as “vanilla” because then it has the chance to overpower the orange flavor. The vanilla flavor may be forgiven if it isn’t a true “vanilla bean” flavor since a regular “no frills” vanilla would work better. There’s an exact balance of orange and cream flavor that needs to be perfected to achieve orange cream paradise. On a positive note, unlike the mint chip, the orange scream is creamy yet still low fat. Its label is pretty exciting or should I say…INTENSE! Even though I didn’t enjoy their Orange Scream formula, I have to hand it to Upstate Farms just for their sheer variety of offerings such as Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, Cookies and Cream, and Mocha Java. Now all us Star Wars fans need is an “Intense Blue: A New Hope Special Edition Milk.” I hear it’s going to be high in midichlorians. Come on, where’s the freakin marketing people now? Can I get some kickbacks for that?
Jersey City Councilman Urinates on Audience at Grateful Dead Concert
A drunken Jersey City Councilman Steve Lipski urinated on the audience from the balcony at a Grateful Dead concert in Washington D.C on November 7th. Lipski says he’s going to stop drinking and that he considers what he did “deeply humiliating, very embarrassing” and “troubling.” Click the link above for the amusing story, one that we can add to all the other factual yet defamatory stories involving dumbass politicians from New Jersey.
Atomic Food Containers – Perfect for Leftover Eaters in New Jersey
You know those catalogs that come in the mail that feature every variation of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story? It turns out that the What On Earth catalog is one of them. They also feature a whole lot of other junk you’ll probably never use, but sure looks damn cool while you’re thumbing through the catalog. Doesn’t everyone need a silky Rocky Balboa robe just like the one he walked to the ring in? You can recreate his bout against Clubber Lang only in a much crappier way. Your bed can be the ring and your pillow can be Clubber Lang. (Not that I’ve ever had any experiences similar to that or anything, I’m just saying) I don’t think “boxing buddies” ever existed to compete with “wrestling buddies,” but if they did I would buy up an army of Clubber Lang’s. I like my pillow replicas of boxers to be pretty badass what can I say? He pillows the fool.
After that arduous exhibition bout against Clubber Lang, you’re sure to work up a fierce appetite. Time to make a masculine, easy to prepare, yet satisfying meal such as chili. What should you do with the huge 20 gallon vat of chili sitting on the stove that you don’t want to throw away? Well, if you happen to live in New Jersey then these Atomic Food Containers are perfect to store your leftovers while managing to be tongue in cheek at the same time. How many Tupperware do you own at this second that you can say have a sense of humor? I know for a fact that none of my containers have any personality whatsoever. If you really want to let your wife know that her cooking sucks more than Peg Bundy’s, then these may just be the way to go. Although you might want to present her with them BEFORE the holidays that way you don’t have to experience her “raisin liverwurst surprise upside down cake.”
What On Earth doesn’t sponsor this site, but I thought these were bizarre and appropriate enough to mention regardless. The set of 3 containers feature these labels: Nuclear Waste – Eat and Glow. Biodangerous – Yesterday’s Leftovers. Experimental Meal – Consume at Own Risk.
Supreme Snack Serenity
Some people consider inhaling the cold, crisp, fresh air after hiking up a mountain invigorating. Others find a day at the spa for a deep tissue massage rejuvenating. When you’re dealing with a low expectations motherf–ker such as myself, a bag of Combos squirted with a new flavor is quite a magnificent experience. The odds of actually enjoying the new flavor variety joining the Combo ranks was 3,720 to 1. Usually with any new flavor of any type of food, i’m left disappointed after realizing that it’s nowhere near as good as the hype lead me to believe. In this case, new Combos Zesty Salsa Tortilla flavor left me salivating for more.
I bought them to snack on while waiting for my flight to Orlando to board. I killed almost the entire bag! It seems pretty disgusting, I know, but I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch that day so it’s all good. The typical pretzel is replaced with a crunchy stone ground corn shell which surrounds an accurate and super tasty salsa filling. This new variety really expands on the idea of the traditional Combos and it’s sooo the right move. I guess what I’m trying to say is…if I can change, and Combos can change, everybody can change!
The festive special edition holiday versions of candy and other snacks have been hitting shelves for the past few weeks. Just last night at the local Wegman’s, I found these Giant Size JOLLY NERDS and they are ridiculously and phenomenally awesome. As if GIANT, and CHEWY didn’t sum it up adequately, JOLLY puts it over the top like Lincoln Hawk. I hope I sound like a cliched commercial when I say that these luscious, chewy, and jolly Nerds really burst with flavor. (understatement) The magic of this Wonka offering is that the crunchy outer NERD shell contrasts perfectly with the chewy center. Out of the holiday colors, I preferred the red NERD’s, but after you eat a bunch of them, it’s almost impossible to discern any differences between the red and green.
Here is my work of modern art which I call “NERDY Napkin Face.” He’s really that happy. There’s no signs of party pooper Pagliacci reflected in this piece of art. He’s not downtrodden because he’s being called a NERD! This piece of candy is clearly 100% JOLLY.
OK, so I’ll admit that I didn’t really make this piece of art myself. The NERDS came right out of the bag and danced around forming a smiley face on my napkin. They are that damn good. The only candy comparable to these are those gummy blackberries and raspberries. Now those are one of the few candies that I can overdose on! These NERDS are light years beyond them though. If only life was like the Jetsons and I could get an entire nutritious meal out of ONE CHEWY, JOLLY NERD! That would be some amazing feat! People would be dancing in the streets if they found out they only needed to eat a pellet of chewy, jolly NERDS in order to stay healthy. When it comes to the blissful, elated feeling that overcomes me after eating them, the chewy, Jolly NERDS are basically unparalleled.