sexyarmpit, Author at Sludge Central

The Hall and Oates Gift Tin? Say It Isn’t So!

Posted on December 12, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Every year I accompany Miss Sexy Armpit to a Christmas gift swap party that her sister and brother in law hold. I usually try to conjure up an oddball gift, and last year’s Beat the Meat Gift Basket was a big hit. You can watch the video of that HERE. This year I assembled quite a gift. The Hall and Oates Gift Tin included a $10 dollar iTunes gift card, Hall and Oates Greatest Hits, a full variety pack of Quaker Oatmeal, and 2 packs of Halls Breezers cough drops. All together the value of the entire gift was over $30 since I also included the lovely Wal-Mart Christmas tin.

The tin sat there under the tree the entire length of the swap. It was as if people knew that it might be the lamest gift there so they stayed away. Even after several chants of “Take the Tin!” and heckles such as “Open the tin” “Hey, there’s a cookie tin there!” and “The Tin, The Tin, The Tin!” It remained unopened. Finally, when the last person’s turn came they ignored the last gift which was the tin under the tree and opted to steal a gift. So the person who got their gift stolen was forced to open what was left under the tree.

Unfortunately, the wordplay was lost on it’s recipient. The poor guy didn’t even know who Hall and Oates was! I didn’t think that was possible! Six #1 hits on the Billboard charts and he never heard of them? Was he was born in the ’90s or was he just “OUT OF TOUCH?” HAHAHAHA! In the end I made out like a bandit. There wasn’t much to choose from since most gifts usually involve alcohol, or blankets. I zeroed in on the $25 dollar iTunes gift card that I stole from an innocent party goer. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually steal her gift, in the game you’re allowed to forego your shot at a new gift and steal someone else’s that they’ve already unwrapped. It’s a cruel world.

New Jersey Christmas Tree Ornament

Posted on December 11, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Facebook status updates rarely yield anything significant. Most of the time it’s a report on how crappy someone’s day is going, what they are eating, that they are completely shitfaced at a bar, or that they are now listed as “single.” Boo-hoo. In contrast, an exceptional status update may even inspire someone who blogs to write a post about it, which is what is happening right now.

The ornament depicts Atlantic City gambling, a lighthouse, produce, sports, etc.

My friend Tara on Facebook took some pictures of a few ornaments on her Christmas tree recently and posted them on her page. Her status update displayed these pictures and one of them was a New Jersey Christmas ornament. I’m sure that at some point in my life I’ve been in a random chotchkie store and passed right by an NJ Christmas ornament, not even giving it a second thought.

Even though Tara said the ornament was a gift and she didn’t buy it herself, I think it’s cool that someone is proud enough of their state to hang an ornament of it’s likeness on a branch of their Christmas tree. Right on, Tara, and thanks for sending the pictures! Now, I’m off to the North Pole to convince Santa’s elves to make up those Sexy Armpit Christmas ornaments!

A Twisted Christmas at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville

Posted on December 10, 2010 by sexyarmpit

In my cavernous vault of Christmas tunes, one facet of my collection that has never been properly represented was hard rock and metal. Before 2006, I never would have pegged Twisted Sister as a band to record a Christmas album. Although, after A Twisted Christmas was released in 2006, it was an immediate classic. There’s obviously been many hard rock bands through the years who have released holiday songs but how many actually withstand the test of time? We’re covered from a Jersey perspective with songs from Bon Jovi and American Angel, but overall we’re hard pressed for good hard rock and heavy metal Christmas songs.

In 2007 we saw Monster Ballads Xmas released, and a year later We Wish You a Metal Xmas, but none of them had the potential that A Twisted Christmas did to become a classic. The Twisted Sister formula combined with these perennial holiday songs was a success. A Christmas album might seem like a strange move for rockers who wear costumes and makeup, but they followed through with an annual Christmas concert where the band performs Christmas tunes, and a slew of their other big songs as well. Unfortunately, the Twisted Christmas concert did not take place this year (2010) but if you would still like to experience it anyway, I suggest getting your hands on a copy of the very first Twisted Christmas Live DVD which took place at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New Jersey and released in 2007.

With the stage doused in red spotlights, bows, and silver tinsel garland, Dee Snider stormed the stage wearing a Santa Claus costume. TS then ripped into “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which also incorporates a Ramones-esque “Ho, Ho, Ho, Let’s Go!” Their version of “White Christmas” is the quintessential hard rock version of the immortal song and “Oh Come all ye Faithful,” merges with “We’re Not Gonna Take It” to create the ultimate metal Christmas song.

The Starland concert was a fast paced onslaught of holiday hard rock. Dee Snider had a blast throughout the show, especially on “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” At times the rest of the band looks like they’d rather be knitting or doing a crossword puzzle, but they come alive when it’s time for Twisted songs like “The Fire Still Burns and “You Can’t Stop Rock and Roll.” Dee, who really has a way with words, thanked the troops overseas before kicking off “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” followed by a heartwarming rendition of “Burn in Hell.”

We get to see an awesome drum solo from A.J which leads into “Silver Bells” where Jay Jay French shreds as artifical snow fell from the rafters. You’ll also see plenty of Mark slapping the bass and Eddie electrifying his guitar. Dee tells a funny, yet long winded story about getting socks for Christmas which ultimately introduces “I Wanna Rock” as they completely annihilate the audience. Finally, the band comes back out for an encore of “Heavy Metal Christmas.” It wasn’t all holiday tunes either, mixed into the setlist were Twisted Sister tracks like “Shoot ’em Down” and “The Price.”

The DVD is well put together. Visually, you’ll feel like you are actually in the venue. The Starland Ballroom is small, but the film crew did a superb job with the limited space. When watching this concert you will quickly notice how the creative crew makes the ballroom look huge as they shoot from all different perspectives, many of which I’ve never seen done before at a Starland concert. There are also several extras including music videos for “Oh Come all ye Faithful” and “Heavy Metal Christmas” as well as an interview with the band and more. I only have one gripe with the DVD itself. They decided to delete the word “motherf*cker” all throughout the show, which I assume was to not get a parental advisory warning slapped on there.

If you’re one of those humbugs who hates holiday tunes, then this DVD is your kryptonite. But if you’re the type who can’t wait to break out the holiday music after Thanksgiving, and if you’re a Twisted Sister fanatic, then this DVD is a must own! It’s also a collectible for those fans of New Jersey popular culture, since New York’s Twisted Sister chose our little Starland Ballroom to do their first ever Christmas concert! I recommend getting this DVD before it goes out of print and you have to buy it on ebay for $80 bucks!

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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.50: Miracle on 34th Street

Posted on December 6, 2010 by sexyarmpit

MACY: “Well, we can cover the country too. Notify our stores in San Francisco, Atlanta, Toledo, and Newark to get going right away.”

This scene in 1947’s Miracle on 34th Street shows R.H Macy rattling off several store locations from his empire. In retaliation against Gimbel’s, Macy instructs a couple of his employees to expand the new referral policy that Kris Kringle started because it created so much customer loyalty and positive publicity for them.

When I watch movies like Miracle on 34th Street and A Christmas Story every Christmas season, I find myself in awe of the department store scenes. Shopping in department stores back in the 1940’s seemed like such a larger than life experience in comparison to the horrific battles encountered at Targets and Wal-Marts around the country. If you were a kid back then, the wondrous store front displays were of utmost importance because they provided the chance to scope out all the toys that you might put on your Christmas list. Macy’s in New York still attracts huge lines to view their store window spectacle during the holidays, but there isn’t really anything that grand in New Jersey.

In the above scene, the Newark location Macy mentions is actually a Bamberger’s, which was one of the premiere department stores in New Jersey. It was founded way back in 1893 and their flagship store was built in Newark in 1912. In 1929, Macy’s bought Bamberger’s, but it wasn’t until 1986 that they were officially rebranded as Macy’s. In addition to malls across The Garden State, Bamberger’s operated stores in Morristown, Plainfield, and Princeton as well as in New York, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Maryland. An anonymous comment posted at The Department Store Museum blog summarizes exactly what Bamberger’s was: “Jersey’s version of Macy’s…”

Check out the Bamberger’s post at The Department Store Museum which offers pictures and info on many of their New Jersey locations. Also, several facts in this post were taken from the Bamberger’s Wikipedia entry.

Film Review: Jersey Guy (2003)

Posted on December 4, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Who the hell wants to watch a movie about a Jersey GUY anyway? I guess guidettes would, but only if it stars big sweaty fist pumping gorillas. It’s safe to say that more people are interested in Jersey GIRLS. We know for sure that Tom Waits, Bruce Springsteen, and shit, even Antonella Barba definitely are. The curious thing about the 2003 film Jersey Guy is that it disregards the typical Jersey stereotypes. It’s probably because Jersey Guy was made years before MTV’s Jersey Shore brainwashed the world into thinking everyone in Jersey is a guido. DJ Pauly D was probably on the ones and twos on his Fisher Price record player when this movie came out. So if it’s tanned, ‘roided, guidos you are looking for, pass this one up.

Jersey Guy is about Jack, a 25 year old who still lives at home…in Jersey (duh!). That’s not really out of the ordinary because, shit, I’d still be living at home if I didn’t have so many comics, toys, and other crap. Jack’s dilemma is that he fears marrying “the girl next door and living his parents life.” He works at a nursing home and not only does he worry about the elderly people living there, but also about his parents. His father, who mentioned several times that he grew up in the north ward of Newark, is played by Arthur J. Nascarella, a pretty decent substitute for James Caan.

Jack has an affinity for the old school. He drives a classic Mustang, and he hangs out with old people. For this to be a more enjoyable film that sentence would’ve ended with: “…and falls for Betty White in this all out comedy about whacked out senior citizens.” Jack grows bored and he’s seeking some sort of thrill in his life that’s more exciting than his job and stagnant relationship. Most of his time is spent keeping tabs on the kooky old folks in the nursing home, so one night he goes out to NYC with a co-worker, Merle, and miraculously starts talking to a hot model. There’s no way that would happen considering he was dressed like a total dork and hanging out with a guy that looked like he could be his grandfather. The movie is chock full of neverending montages including the one that establishes the already established fact that Jack is interested in this hot model. She’s shakes her hair back and forth and shoots seductive looks. I’m getting sleepy.

Even though the film was released in 2003, it was made pre-9/11. The movie seemed even more dated when we meet Jack’s younger teenage brother who has a thing for fashion model Claudia Shiffer, who peaked in popularity back in the ’90s. When Jack’s brother asks him what he’s going to do about this new girl he met, Jack says “what any self respecting guy from Jersey would do, I’m gonna call her.” Referencing the state is completey unnecessary, why does Jersey even play into his reply? That’s a totally unrealistic piece of dialouge. Nobody from Arkansas would say “What any self respecting guy from Arkansas would do.”

The blatant references to N.J were welcome, but the outdated and lame quips were not. The dialouge sounded like a high school kids conversation in the late ’90s with such corny lines as “do the nasty,” and “I just ate, no pun intended.” I’m no stranger to explicit jokes, but Jack goes into a ridiculously disgusting “what if” scenario that has his mother in law drinking his seminal fluids out of a used condom she discovered that he and his girlfriend Susan left in bed. This came early on in the film and the tone hasn’t been defined at that point so hearing a joke like that was abrupt and disturbing.

After an excruciatingly long sequence showing Jack unsuccessfully searching his closet for an outfit that isn’t a reject from the wardrobe department on the set of Leave it to Beaver, he hits up Willowbrook Mall to pick up some new clothes. Jack then realizes how rich and pretentious the model’s friends are. After hanging with her hipster pals and then heading out to the Hamptons with her, it’s obvious he doesn’t fit in with them. In part of his life he’s living it up and sleeping with a sexy model, yet he misses his hometown girl Susan, who he’s cheating on, but ultimately realizes she’s more important to him.

What makes Jersey Guy craptacular is the fact that Jack is a pathetic main character. Jack is unlike any Jersey Guy I’ve ever known. Making a trip to New York was a huge deal for him and it’s only a few miles away. It’s possible that the writers of the film attempted to draw parallels between Jack and the homebound seniors roaming around the nursing home, but it did not translate well at all.

Jersey Guy is a limp movie. The reality girl vs. fantasy girl theme has been done a thousand times, but I wasn’t attached to either of the girls. The only salvageable aspect of Jersey Guy was it’s nods to Jersey. Mentioned in the film are Route 23, the Seaside Boardwalk, Branchbrook park, and Central Avenue in Newark. Filming took place in Edgewater, Totowa, Bloomfield, and Wayne. Listen for shout outs to local newspapers The Star Ledger and The Bergen Record.

How The Grinch Stole New Jersey

Posted on December 1, 2010 by sexyarmpit

The Christmas season has officially kicked off and The Sexy Armpit’s iPod has been cranking out the holiday tunes, but there’s one song that I forgot to put on there! “Mr. Grinch,” a 1995 alt-rock cover version by The Whirling Dervishes who hailed from Westfield, NJ.

The Whirling Dervishes got some airplay on MTV and they were were pretty big in the local Jersey rock scene in the ’80s and ’90s. Members of the band went on to form Everlounge, who frequently plays original rocking lounge music in bars and clubs around The Garden State. Whether you’re a New Jersey native or not, their version of “Mr. Grinch” is a must add to your Holiday playlist.

Everlounge will be playing at:
The Stage House
Scotch Plains, NJ
on 1/7/11

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Top 10 Other Meanings of G.T.L: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 70

Posted on November 30, 2010 by sexyarmpit

G.T.L at T-Shirt Society

The Situation isn’t the only one who can coin original acronyms. Anyone can do it! Acronyms make it easier to remember names, companies, lists, and other stuff, but when the acronym has more than one meaning, that’s when remembering them all becomes a task. Since we are already familiar with Gym, Tanning, and Laundry, I have gathered together many of the alternate words that the letters G.T.L also stand for. Even TNA Wrestler Robbie E. formulated his own credo of G.T.W (Gym, Tanning and Wrestling.) Feel free to create your own! Here’s some from The Sexy Armpit:

Goobers. Trannies. Lint

Ghouls. Trix. Lauper

Gremlins. Tomes and Talismans. Labyrinth

Guidos. Wasabi. Licky Boom Boom Down

Gwildor. Torture. Labias

GaGa. Teeth. Lingerie

Grendel. Titties. Lube

Ghoulash. Tacos. Lime-aid

Go-Bots. Transformers. Lion-O

Tokka. Grover. Lurch

Colleen Fitzpatrick is November’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on November 25, 2010 by sexyarmpit

With flu season in full effect I thought you might need some Vitamin C. Let us not forget about Old Bridge New Jersey’s Colleen Fitzpatrick, a singer, songwriter, and actress who is better known as our favorite ascorbic acid. Now, enjoy a megadose of Vitamin C, November’s Garden State Playmate.

Colleen Fitzpatrick graduated from Old Bridge High School in New Jersey and then New York University. Throughout high school she danced professionally and acted in high school plays. If you aren’t familiar with her, Vitamin C enjoyed her biggest surge of success in the the early 2000’s. After her original alt-rock band Eve’s Plum broke up, Fitzpatrick went solo in 1998 and signed with Elektra Records where she transformed from alt-rock chick into dance pop cutie.

After scoring with her debut CD Vitamin C, Fitzpatrick became a household name, even if it was for a short time. The album featured the hits “Smile,” and “Graduation (Friends Forever)” which didn’t do much to cure the common cold, but blew up on the tween and high school scenes. She solidified her place in pop culture when there was a Vitamin C Mattel doll released as well as a lipstick shade by Tommy Hilfiger. Although she was a pop icon of the moment for the younger crowd, she was also recognized as a sex symbol for horny twentysomething dudes when she was included on Maxim Magazine’s Hot 100 of 2001. As an actress Fitzpatrick has appeared in such films as Liar Liar, Dracula 2000, Rock Star, and Get Over It among others.

Even though she’s not in the public eye anymore she continues to create new music. A new Vitamin C album was scheduled for 2007 in addition to an original children’s album by Fitzpatrick, but they have yet to be released. Most recently she has been writing and co-writing songs for tween stars like Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato.

Here’s Vitamin C’s video for her single “The Itch,” starring another Jersey Girl, Kirsten Dunst!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.49: RANSOM – When Mel Still Had His Marbles…

Posted on November 10, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Please welcome the newest member of The Sexy Armpit, Nick “N.J” Holden! In his first contribution, a look back at the 1996 film Ransom prompts Nick to give Mel a second chance. Check out Nick’s profile which is linked on the right sidebar!

It’s easy to dismiss a person by what is printed and said, even if that person was, at one point or another, decent. For an example, Chris Benoit was regarded as one of the finest technical wrestlers to have ever graced a mat, but after the tragedy with him and his ill-fated family, all of his achievements have been forgotten, almost as if they have never existed. To look at Mel Gibson now, after all the tabloids and rumors, one would see him as an out of his mind, racist, misogynistic narcissist with way too much money and too much ego. But at some point, Mel, before he blew a fuse, visited the Garden State (briefly) in the caper film Ransom, and while it didn’t reinvent the wheel or increase NJ’s tourist trade (at least not to my knowledge), it’s nice to look back on the Garden State before it was forever changed by some guy named Tony Soprano.

Tom Mullen (Gibson) is a self-made millionaire airline owner who finds himself out of his depth when his son Sean (Brawny Nolte, Nick’s son) is kidnapped and held for ransom. Now, the rational thing to do would be to pay the captors (which include a pre-Sex and the City Evan Handler) the money and be done with it. It should also be noted that, through a subplot, Tom was investigated by the FBI for possibly paying off a mob guy to keep his airline going. But after a disastrous turn of events in Jersey (where the ransom was supposed to be paid – holla Fair Lawn!), Tom turns the tables on the captors and uses the ransom as a bounty that he places on the captors, hoping that they will crumble under the pressure and turn on one another. In doing so, Tom not only draws scorn from his wife (Rene Russo) and the FBI agent (Delroy Lindo) on the case, but also become a pariah in the media for such a risky tactic. From then on, the suspense builds as both Tom and the captors begin to lose patience with one another, building in a climax that puts both Tom and captors on a collision course. Not necessarily with each other, but a course that is sure to spell doom for some.

The movie, directed by Ron Howard, does a great job with the cast. Especially good is Mel, who is kept at a feverish pace. In his eyes, you can see the hopelessness and desperation, but also a man who is not afraid to cross the line to save his son. Also doing fine is Gary Sinse as the ruthless mastermind of the kidnapping who slowly becomes unglued and Lindo as the veteran agent who is confounded by the change of events. Unfortunately, what is seen of Jersey is very little, happening at nighttime at a stone quarry, but is pivotal in the storyline, so I guess we can forgive Howard for setting up an important scene in my home state. It was nice to see Route 4 without traffic for a change.

Ransom is a taut, well-acted cracker of a film that reminds you that Mel was once a good actor. It got him a Golden Globe nomination, so if you want to see Mel Gibson as a hero without a suicide fixation or dressed in a leather suit, give this one a whirl, otherwise you can just smile and blow him.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 69: Monstrous Wildwood Energy

Posted on November 9, 2010 by sexyarmpit

When I take a sip of that bubbly Monster Energy Drink it makes me feel like I’m splashing in the ocean at New Jersey’s premiere, moderately priced resort town, Wildwood. And on the flip side, just the sheer idea of being in Wildwood transforms me into a ferocious energized beast. You know what activates me even more than sipping an energy drink on a sunny summer day at the Jersey Shore? Blatant displays of trademark infringement! Whaddya know? If you turn the clawed out letter “M” on the Monster can upside down, you have a “W,” which stands for Wildwood!

When I’m on the boardwalk and I slip this t-shirt on, it propels me to a ridiculuously high level of primal savagery. Inhaling 7 full paper plates of funnel cake in mere milliseconds is only the tip of the iceberg. Instead of standing aside and just “watching the tram car,” I started huffing and puffing and sprinted right towards it head on. I wasn’t playing a game of chicken with the tramcar either. I actually tackled a moving tramcar at full speed and then swung it around over my head at least 2 or 3 times just because I had so much energy to expel.

I’m telling you, these Monster style Wildwood t-shirts need to come with some kind of surgeon general warning: “PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THIS T-SHIRT IF YOU ARE ALREADY AWESOME AT WRECKING SHIT UP BECAUSE ONCE YOU PUT IT ON YOU WILL BE DOUBLY GOOD AT WRECKING SHIT UP AND THAT’S NOT COOL BECAUSE YOU ARE CLEARLY ALREADY RECKLESS AND YOU WILL BE A DANGER TO THE OTHER FINE CITIZENS ON THE BOARDWALK OR WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, ALSO, THIS T-SHIRT WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM ANY SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES, OH, AND DO NOT WEAR IF YOU ARE PREGNANT.”

Author: sexyarmpit