Brooke Hogan’s 21st Birthday in New Jersey

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Is Atlantic City hurting that bad? They’ve stooped to dropping the atomic leg drop on Brooke Hogan in order to convince her to celebrate her 21st birthday at Harrah’s Resort. How many people dropping nickels into machines in Atlantic City are interested in VH1’s Brooke Knows Best? How many of their kids are even interested in that show? VH1 is a station that prides themselves on Bret Michaels being their golden boy. Are young girls watching Daisy of Love and Charm School with their 40-something moms? I hope not or this country has gone down the tubes completely.

I don’t think I’m out of line in saying that Brooke Hogan is NOT a draw in any way. Now, Paris Hilton on the other hand, despite her bevy of haters, IS a traditional draw in Atlantic City. Hmm, let’s weigh in: Brooke is the uninteresting daughter of the O.J Simpson co-conspirator Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton is best known for being a media whore and a lame sex tape actress. Just based on the sex tape alone I’d have to go with hosting Paris’ bday instead. Somehow I think Brooke would be more successful if she just broke down and decided to become a WWE Diva. It’s her destiny. Or she could just make a lame sex tape.

Let’s hope Brooke’s brother Nick isn’t driving her to Harrah’s from the airport or else everyone on the Garden State Parkway is in big trouble. Oh and BTW, please keep her whack job mother Linda faaarrrr away from NJ.

May 9th at Harrah’s Casino & Resort
With a bargain basement admission price of a mere $25 bucks!!!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Top 10 Reasons to Watch The Wrestler on Blu-Ray

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I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may never get to own Randy The Ram’s extremely collectible ($300) action figure that rests on his dashboard, but there are other ways I’m able to relive the movie. I merely have to crank up Accept’s “Balls to the Wall” in my car if I want to get pumped up like Randy the Ram did en route to his comeback match. But think about this…”Balls to the Wall” in BLU-RAY!!! That doesn’t necessarily mean that if you don’t experience The Wrestler on Blu-Ray you’ll have to put your Blu-balls to the wall, but you will be missing out in a HUGE way. 


And now, coming down the aisle, from The Armpit of NJ, weighing in at 10 entries long, here’s the Top 10 Reasons to Watch The Wrestler on Blu-Ray!
1) You can witness Marisa Tomei’s boobs in all their blu ray glory. At 45 years old, Tomei looks way sexier than all the old, washed up, strippers who nobody buys dances from. Strip clubs throughout NJ would benefit from having employees look as good as she does in The Wrestler. What’s even cooler is that she’s a stripper who’s all into ’80s hard rock:

Cassidy: Fuckin’ 80’s man, best shit ever!

Randy: Bet your ass man, Guns N’ Roses rules.
Cassidy: Crue!
Randy: Yeah!
Cassidy: Def Lep!
Randy: Then that Cobain pussy had to come around and ruin it all.
Cassidy: Like there’s something wrong with just wanting to have a good time?
She’s a girl after my own heart.
2) If you have a good sound system at home, turn this one up to 11! The Wrestler features awesome headbanging tracks from GNR, Quiet Riot, RATT, Slaughter, Firehouse, and The Scorpions. Also, listen up for Slash’s guitar work on the musical score, and of course Bruce Springsteen’s brilliant title track. Pay a visit to Gears of Rock for more on the music featured in the film.

3) Watch Randy do the RAM JAM off the top rope right into your living room! It’s one of the coolest fictional finishing moves.

4) Find yourself in awe of genius casting. Judah Friedlander kills his role as Scott Brumberg, an indy wrestling promoter/convention organizer. The only way Aronofsky could’ve made this role more authentic is if he grabbed a real indy promoter from an east coast show and put him in the film. Go to a wrestling convention like Legends of the Ring or Signamania and you’ll see what I mean! Check out his Trenton Devils jersey! While it may seem subtle, or just an average cameo to some people, Friedlander’s performance is truly uncanny.

5) Listen closely for the roll call before the matches and you’ll hear the name of local NJ wrestler, and Sexy Armpit ally, Rob Eckos.

6) Among the bevy of independent wrestlers who appear in the film, JIM POWERS, formerly of the tag team The Young Stallions shows up! His Wikipedia entry claims he now resides in East Rutherford, NJ.

7) Soak up the gorgeous NJ locales. Here are some of the towns in NJ The Wrestler was filmed in: Elizabeth, Linden, Rahway, Roselle Park, Asbury Park, Garfield, Keansburg, Lake Hiawatha, Hasbrouck Heights, Dover, and a Bayonne supermarket.

8) The Bloody Deli Meat slicer from HELL! That thing had a mind of it’s own! “Hey lady, you want some fucking cheese? Get your own fucking cheese!” Damn straight.
9) Randy the Ram’s cocaine fueled banging of a blonde bimbo in the bathroom will be even MORE amusing this time around…

10) There’s nothing quite like watching a guy staple a $5 dollar bill into his own forehead in high definition.
www.SexyArmpit.com

The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack Review

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Right this second in New Jersey, 2 miles away from Tromaville in fact, I sit atop an old hazardous chemicals canister that doubles as my computer desk in the toxic dumping grounds (it was empty, but thanks for your concern). I’ve been experimenting in my lab. No, I’m not trying to discover a cure for Toxie’s grossness, but I am trying to find out if the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical holds up after multiple listens. In order to figure this out, I’ve been alternating between blasting it’s songs for a few minutes then immersing the disc in mass quantities of green chemicals. After all, the theme of the musical is “be green,” right? Ohhhh, they meant, like, the environment and stuff? Well, if I discover the CD is that good, I’ll never have to throw it away, hence making LESS GARBAGE in New Jersey! It’s a win-win!

Not to be a blowhard, but I was lucky enough to review The Toxic Avenger Musical when it premiered in New Brunswick, NJ (click here for the review). After the show, the tunes wouldn’t leave my head for the rest of the night. Seriously, from a guy’s point of view, plays and musicals don’t seem to appeal to us as much as they do to girls. Personally, I enjoy going to a play once in a while like Rock of Ages, and even though not the studliest of musicals, Chicago. It really isn’t too bad, but how many guys do you know that would drive around town in their vehicle with their windows down blasting “Dance: Ten; Looks: Three” from A Chorus Line? For those who don’t want to risk it, they can feel A-OK about popping in the Original Cast Recording of The Toxic Avenger Musical.

Be advised that this is not some half assed rip off of the Troma classic, The Toxic Avenger. Unlike The Wedding Singer, and Legally Blonde, this is a sharply written, hallucinogenic, metaphorical, musical comedy. Now let’s see what David Bryan and Joe DiPietro can create with that mound of descriptions! It’s likely whatever they come up with wouldn’t be able to go face to sludge with the outlandish fun they’ve created for the soundtrack to the Toxic Avenger Musical.

“Everything oozes.”
“It’s never the same pus from one moment to the next.”

Sounds like it might be some dialogue from a song on The Toxie Musical Soundtrack, right? WRONG! It’s actually some dialogue from Waiting for Godot, the play you WON’T have to go see if you can convince your girlfriend to STAY HOME and listen to the Toxic Avenger soundtrack that you ordered. Trust me, this will work if you promise to act out Toxie’s parts! (Just get a mop and glue some green jello to your face, you’ll be fine.) Now this is more like it:

“There’s a place between heaven and hell, don’t need a map just follow the smell…a place filled with filthy air…a place filled with dark despair… A place called New Jersey! New Jersey….The Garden State.”

“There’s an exit called the 13B, right off the Turnpike where it smells just like pee…” To the rare breed of people who actually defend NJ from it’s constant pop culture persecution, this stuff is bittersweet, immortal poetry. Finally, these heartwarming sentiments have permanently etched their way into Broadway! So, Suck it New York City! haha. The words of the songs may seem elementary at first listen, but at least you won’t have to use an iPhone app to decipher the meanings of the songs. The easily relatable ideas of physical freakishness and pollution are two themes the soundtrack imaginatively evokes.

Creating fumes for Toxie as his blind love interest is Sarah, played by Sarah Chase. Put away your hatred of blind jokes for “My Big French Boyfriend,” and share Toxie’s level of cloud 9 gratification as he sings “Thank God She’s Blind” in appreciation of Sarah’s embrace of his hideousness. These pop rock tunes, although fluffy at times, still retain a dramatic tone. “Hot Toxic Love” can be considered the musical’s equivalent to Bon Jovi’s “Always” if it was turned on it’s head, shoved into a garbage can, and submerged in bright, bubbling, green slime.
Without relying on any visuals, Toxie’s tune “Kick Your Ass,” will empower you. This track follows Melvin Ferd after he is “reborn” as Toxie, a hulking hero that could er…excuse the redundancy, “kick ass.” Now, every time I hear “Kick Your Ass,” or any number of combinations, such as kick ass, kick his ass, kick my ass, or kick your mother’s ass, I hear the awesome rap rock stylings of “Kick Your Ass.” “I’m gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!” I can keep singing it for at least 3 more minutes and then I’ll just sound like a total douche, especially because I’m alone, but you get my point. It’s infectious. What? You’re saying it’s NOT infectious? Now I’m really gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!
As The Mayor of Tromaville, Nancy Opel’s zesty stage performance, and her unbelievably elastic singing voice ensure a long life for the musical. On “Jersey Girl” (complete with Bruce and Bon Jovi references) and “Evil is Hot,” Opel easily shines as the standout performer in the show. If you don’t believe me, the proof is burned by lasers into the CD! In just a couple of her signature moments, Opel plays dual roles and also utters the line “these two breasts can be yours, you can’t buy them in stores, go ahead take a bite!” How’s that for an opening line? But the moment that tops them all is when she belts out the endearing ditty, “Bitch/Slut/Liar/Whore.” When you’re playing this track for your girlfriend you can go into the nuances of Opel’s performance. Tell your girlfriend that this track truly displays Opel’s wide range of talent and at the same time it’ll also allow you to say “YOU WHORE!” without getting in trouble. In other words, this song has a built in “get out of jail free” card. Go ahead, feel free to sing it with me! “You Whoooooore!” See honey? You just have to appreciate the subtlety!
The CD saves the best for last. If the NJ Tourism commission had a copy of the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical they would easily forgo Bon Jovi’s “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” for “A Brand New Day in New Jersey.” The upbeat finale to The Toxic Avenger Musical rouses the audience into a standing ovation with every performance.
As for my aforementioned research, here are my scientifically authoritative findings:
If you find yourself singing songs from Rocky Horror while making your morning coffee “…I was just seven hours old…” then you will surely enjoy The Toxic Avenger soundtrack. It’s music is daring, especially in a modern musical climate suffocated with dance pop crap and poorly written, overproduced, hip-hop. You’ll hear clever lyrics that will surely give you a laugh regardless of what exit you are on the Turnpike. Even though Toxie has gone onto bigger venues (The New World Stages in New York City), and left NJ in the dust, you can still experience the songs! Great news,”You can breathe now in New Jersey, so you won’t catch cancer and die!” And there’s “no more garbage in New Jersey, cause we dump it in Vermont!” Thank you Toxie, NJ is no longer polluted and blanketed with fumes! You’ve made it safe for us to inhale!
The original cast recording of The Toxic Avenger is produced by David Bryan of Bon Jovi.
In addition, the CD also contains “You Tore My Heart Out,” a bonus track performed by David Bryan. The CD will be released on May 5th. You can order it here, and on iTunes!
New World Stages
340 West 50th
New York, NY 10019
www.SexyArmpit.com

Toxie’s Not NJ’s Only Superhero, Heeere’s STEEL!

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Step aside Toxie, we need to give STEEL some attention too! He’s got to be getting a little jealous since he’s another superhero who hails from New Jersey and rarely gets his due. Steel can turn his skin into stainless steel, which is not only badass, but also seriously blogworthy. Steel made his debut in June of 1993 in the pages of Adventures of Superman #500, and he’s also been played on the big screen by Shaquille O’Neal, who coincidentally, was also born in New Jersey. (It was just meant to be wasn’t it?) Let’s learn more about John Henry Irons from Jersey City, NJ:

From JLA Secret Files & Origins #2, August 1998
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From Team Superman Secret Files & Origins #1, May 1998:

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www.SexyArmpit.com

SMASH! The Online Comic

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Chris Bolton, co-creator of the SMASH online comic, regularly posts pics of fans wearing the SMASH t-shirt from around the country. In their latest post, NJ was represented!

“Our own Aunt Katie reported seeing a Smash T-Shirt on a kid in a McDonald’s in Sayreville, New Jersey! How random is that? I couldn’t find Sayreville on a map of New Jersey with “Sayreville” marked by a giant, red-neon sign (not too good with the maps and the map-finding and the finding of things on maps).”



Haven’t the guys from Smash ever heard of Jon Bon Jovi? Please forgive them and head over and check out Chris & Kyle’s SMASH, the adventures of a 10-year old costumed super hero! More importantly, Magus, his arch nemesis is on par with Darkseid’s kickassery.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Billboard.com’s Bon Jovi vs. Bruce Springsteen

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Thanks to a question that was asked over at Gary Trust’s Ask Billboard column over at Billboard.com, we now have a definitive answer as to who wins the legendary New Jersey grudge match between Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Here’s the link to the original article:

http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/ask-bb/ask-billboard-basia-bon-jovi-and-the-boss-1003956403.story

Gary didn’t setup a baby pool filled with KY-Jelly in his basement in order for them to gauge the true winner, but he did some research and pulled the record sales of each artist. I’ve reprinted parts of the article with the results:

Listed is the top five selling albums by each artist, including Jon Bon
Jovi’s solo works and Springsteen’s releases with the E Street Band, dating to
the inception of Nielsen SoundScan data in 1991.

Bon Jovi/Jon Bon Jovi:

“Cross Road” (1994), 4,709,000
“Slippery When Wet” (1986), 3,106,000
“Crush” (2000), 2,071,000
“Keep the Faith” (1992), 1,591,000
“Have a Nice Day” (2005), 1,552,000

Bruce Springsteen/E Street Band:

“Greatest Hits” (1995), 4,092,000
“The Rising” (2002), 2,163,000
“Born in the U.S.A.” (1984), 1,463,000
“Human Touch” (1992), 1,168,000
“Magic” (2007), 1,054,000

Combining sales of each act’s albums, the winner is…Bruce
Springsteen. It’s an astonishingly close race, however. In the Nielsen SoundScan
era, Springsteen totals 19,968,000 million in album sales, just ahead of Bon
Jovi’s 19,922,000.Springsteen pulled into the lead with his latest album,
“Working on a Dream.” The set has sold 484,000 copies since its January
release.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Lifestyles of the Rich in New Jersey

Posted on by sexyarmpit
I bet there’s tons of people around the country who had no idea that New Jersey was home to so many celebrities. The majority of these celebs own gratuitously huge dwellings that sit on endless amounts of land. I immediately began wondering where I can creepily view Spytech style aerial shots of these celebrity homes? And whammo! Just the other day my boss at work pointed me to a cool time wasting site called Virtual Globetrotting which searches all 50 states for satellite views of celebrity homes and various other POI’s. To look up your state, click here. Now, let me show you just some of the pretentious homes that belong to the stars that reside in The Sexy Armpit a.k.a NJ:

Chris Rock, Alpine NJ
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Jon Bon Jovi, Red Bank NJ
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Eddie Murphy Englewood, NJ
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Bruce Springsteen, Rumson NJ
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Mark Ecko, Bernardsville NJ
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Joe Piscopo, Califon NJ
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Perhaps NJ ain’t so scuzzy after all, huh?
www.SexyArmpit.com

Rock of Ages Melts Broadway’s Face Off!

Posted on by sexyarmpit
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If David Coverdale says you’re a dick, then you probably are. In my estimation, you’ve got to be an idiot not to immediately rip the silly bluetooth off your ear after hearing a concise, eloquently spoken admonishment by the lead singer of such rock classics as “Here I Go Again,” “Still of the Night,” and “Slow and Easy.” If I may, in this review I’ll attempt to use Mr. Coverdale’s professional sounding articulation while expressing my thoughts on the musical Rock of Ages, that I witnessed on April 4th, 2009 in New York City. IT’S AN ’80s ROCK EXTRAVAGANZA NOW PLAYING AT THE BROOKS ATKINSON THEATRE IN NEW YORK CITY!!! Sorry, I admit, that was completely out of hand and uncalled for. I won’t let it happen again.
In no time, the nostalgic musical Rock of Ages went from “off Broadway” to being the best thing going on Broadway. (Click here for my review the off-Broadway ROA show) If you were lucky enough to see the show in it’s inception, you’ll be pleased to know that it still contains all of the “kick assery” of it’s original run…um…I mean, of course, that it’s essence has remained in tact. Our favorite joint on the Sunset Strip, The Bourbon Room, is being threatened to be demolished by evil developers who obviously don’t like to ROCK. Well, F#*$ THOSE MOTHERF—ERS!! Thankfully, my favorite fictional rock song “Beaver Hunt” was not compromised. RIGHT ON MOTHERF—ERS!  Wait, what am I saying?!?! I apologize for that off color outburst, how rude of me? As I was saying, I experienced feelings of absolute elation when I got to hear “Beaver Hunt” once again, and bless you if it’s your first time. Just hearing those few seconds of the song is worth the price of admission alone. There’s still enough Arby’s references to fill the catering carts up with a lifetime supply of Chicken Bacon & Swiss sandwiches. OK OK WE GET IT! THE WRITER’S OF THE SHOW WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO ARBY’S! …oh…I did it again. Shame on me.
HOW COULD YOU EVER MODIFY SUCH AN AWESOME SHOW? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE PRODUCERS? Ahhh. Deep breath. Exhale. Pop some Xanax. The cast of the original run of Rock of Ages was unstoppable and distinct. Only a couple of characters have been recast in an effort to re-tool the show for it’s Broadway run. Decisions regarding the cast, some plot points, and choreography have made the show more comical, hence it’s billing as a MUSICAL COMEDY. People love “the funny” so that’s always a WIN, but the play had more realism in it’s original form. Depending on what you want out of your Broadway productions, the latest incarnation of Rock of Ages still delivers “The Best of Both Worlds” and that wasn’t meant to be a Van Hagar reference, but now you’re stuck with it.
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I DIDN’T F&!%$N VOTE FOR THIS GUY WHEN HE WAS ON AMERICAN IDOL SO WHY THE F&%$ SHOULD I WATCH HIM IN A BROADWAY PLAY? OK, now I think I’m just developing coprolalia. The reason why you haven’t been completely sold on Constantine Maroulis is because you haven’t seen him belt out fiery tunes like Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock,” Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherrie,” and Foreigner’s ‘I’ve Been Waiting for a Girl Like You.” Clearly you MUST experience Maroulis’ character Drew putting some of his hilarious moves on his love interest. 3 words: Berry Wine Coolers.
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To fill the colossal shoes of the talented Kelli Barrett, Amy Spanger takes over the role of Drew’s love interest, Sherrie. Spanger was superb as Sherrie but the character has changed since the off Broadway run. Her character has become almost entirely comedic which makes replacing Barrett with Spanger like removing Natalie Portman in favor of Anna Faris. They’re both skilled actresses, but in different ways. Spanger plays Sherrie as an airhead with big dreams of L.A., while Barrett’s Sherrie was innocent, torn, and confused (cue up Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian”). Similar to many young girls back in the ’80s with big dreams, Barrett’s Sherrie looked to the Sunset Strip as a haven that could solve her problems and bring her happiness. Her aspirations begin to burn out when she realizes the Strip doesn’t make dreams, in fact, more often than not, it breaks them. Spanger’s Sherrie elicits more laughs as a dumb blonde who is never sullen for too long, even when she’s reduced to working as a dancer at a seedy strip club.
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As Stacee Jaxx, lead singer of the fictional band Arsenel, James Carpinello manages to slam home his performance in a role that was so perfectly created by the great Will Swenson.  Jaxx is the quintessential egomaniacal ’80s LEAD ATTENTION WHORE, ahem…I mean singer who sucks up every bit of the spotlight he can. Meanwhile, several other vital cast members have returned in addition to Maroulis.  The animated Mitchell Jarvis owns the play as Lonny, the narrator and all around insti”gay”tor. His one liners are expertly delivered, his facial expressions are priceless, and his nunchucking abilities are first rate. Also making his return as Dennis, owner of The Bourbon Room, is Adam Dannheisser, the lovely Angel Reed as the jail bait groupie, Lauren Molina as Regina (ryhmes with Vagina), Wesley Taylor as the light in the loafers Franz, and Jeremy Woodard as Joey Primo who looks like a Vegas Legends version of Nikki Sixx.
Aside from the Poison/Cheap Trick/Def Leppard package tour this summer, where else can you rock out this much? The ROA soundtrack is comprised of mega popular rock tunes that merge seamlessly together with the action creating a swift pace that will leave you anxious to see it again. Like a tractor beam, Joel Hoekstra of the band shreds his guitar like a madman, pulling us back from our beer and bathroom break. To further create the concert atmosphere, there were numerous occasions when the audience waved a couple of hundred LED lighters back and forth during Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn,” Extreme’s “More Than Words,” and Mr. Big’s “To Be With You.” I assure you that you will not have a more rocking time on Broadway or anywhere else for that matter! Can Waiting For Godot, Blithe Spirit, and Next to Normal take you “High Enough?” I think not. Avoid the package tours that are past their prime and make plans to see the stellar cast of Rock of Ages MELT YOUR FU–ING FACE OFF!!! You know what? This time I’m not sorry! (cue Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again”)
Rock of Ages
Brooks Atkinson Theatre
256 W. 47th Street
New York City
www.SexyArmpit.com

Easter Candy Explosion! A Pictorial

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Wal-Mart is more satanic than Hell could ever be. In fact, even in this time of economic despair, I was on a hunt for some cool little trinkets to throw in my niece and nephew’s Easter baskets. Wal-Mart is a slimeball salesman, hair greased back, with a shit eatin’ grin. Walking through the aisles of Wal-Mart is like stopping by a garage sale that you had no idea was even going on. I don’t need anything at that garage sale but for some God awful reason I walk away from it with a handful of junk I didn’t need or even knew I wanted. What was intended to be a quick trip to the store for Easter candy turned into a rapid free fall into a hellish vacuum of consumerism. 

When it comes to buying things I don’t need, I wouldn’t feel as bad to buy…oh, say…a back issue of a comic book line. If I finally come across an old back issue of Teen Titans that’s eluded me for years, I would snatch that book up in milliseconds. If the object fills a certain void or purpose then I have no problem justifying the item as a “must have.” On the other hand, what you are about to see are items that no man with hair on his chest could ever justify actually shelling out money for. After nearly $150 bucks it was completely out of hand.
One question though…
What would you do if you saw these 3 crazy/wacky flavors of Whoppers staring you down? I was immediately paralyzed with an obsession to make these mine. I knew they would taste like shit, but for some reason, all I could picture was me in an empty Wal-Mart laughing and giggling as I submerged in 650,000,000 pastel colored whopper malt balls. These suckers were pouring out at me through the roof, from the laundry detergent aisle, and from the creepy end of the store where they keep hoses and Christmas trees all year round.

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Keep in mind folks that there wasn’t even an iota of a fraction of a chance that these would be any good at all. I was walking into a disaster and I knew it. A dog crap flambe would probably taste nicer than the disgustingly sweet Vanilla Whopper. Pepto Bismol may as well release an orange cream flavor since they could just rip the recipe right off of the Orange Cream Whopper carton. These Whoppers should feature a “Missing” ad on the side of the carton: “MISSING: ORIGINAL WHOPPERS THAT ACTUALLY TASTE GOOD…YOU KNOW THE ONES…THE ONES THAT BURN THE SKIN OFF THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU SUCK ON THEM BALLS FOR TOO LONG.” 
And the Blueberry, what an astonishing fucking joke they are. Imagine for a second that original Whoppers were artificially inseminated by the sperm of a pastel Easter bunny. Their offspring would be Blueberry Whoppers, and let’s just say Grandpa Whoppery isn’t too pleased with his gay grandson. He’s always off dancing at the Blue Oyster and talking about how he wants to get into a civil union with another Blue “Bear” Whopper. With a clear mind I can hereby declare that Blueberry Whoppers are THEEEE worst variety in the Whopper Malt Ball candy line. It has nothing to do with them being gay either. Hell, our former governor was a Blueberry Whopper.

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This green marshmallow mess was staring me down from the shelf because it knew that I just love to torture the shit out of these stupid holiday marshmallows. This poor guy didn’t stand a chance. As far as I’m concerned I gave him a nice makeover. I tore his big, dumb ears off with my ferocious, Sabretooth-esque teeth. Off with his silly bow tie! In a matter of seconds, Baby Binks was middle aged, balding, bow tie-less, and stressed out.

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Russell Stover is taking the whole Marshmallow Rabbit to another level. Next thing you know they’ll be coating actual rabbits with milk chocolate. In a way, I’m glad because at least this chocolate mess actually looks like a rabbit unlike some of it’s predecessors. Of course, that would be in a Donnie Darko, demonic, talisman looking rabbit sorta way.

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I decided to turn him upside down just for fun. For the life of me, I couldn’t put my finger on who he reminded me of. Until…DING…DING!!! It came at me like a fatal blow from a ‘roided up Russian…

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Happy Easter everyone! Heed my warning: It wasn’t the fruit that was forbidden, it was all the unnecessary crap that fills the shelves at your local Wal-Mart.
www.SexyArmpit.com