sexyarmpit, Author at Sludge Central

From Our NJ Friend Tommy Salami @ Pluck You Too!

Posted on May 14, 2009 by sexyarmpit

And I always thought it looked like an outline of George Washington, boy was I waay off!

Tommy Salami of Pluck You Too! is a movie blogger from NJ. He sent this masterpiece over to The Sexy Armpit so I had it blown up, framed, and hung in my living room. If you got a problem with that I’ll break your legs and throw you in the swamp next to The Borgata. Yeah, I didn’t think so you sonofabitch! I’m not sure where Tommy got this pic or if he actually created it himself, either way, it’s a classic! And, NO, we don’t ALL look like that here in New Jersey. Be sure to check out Tommy’s film commentary and his “Hump Day” column, it’s f’n spectacular.

What are you lookin’ at ya pricks? Get the f–k outta heeyuh, there’s nuttin’ to see!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday

Posted on May 13, 2009 by sexyarmpit

There’s an infinite number of New Jersey t-shirts for sale on the Internet. Whether you’re into parodies, sarcasm, or you desperately yearn to elicit an “OH SNAP!” from your friends, you’ll never have to look too far for the perfect shirt. Today, let’s take a look at just a few of the endless supply of New Jersey t- shirts available. I’ll make this a frequent segment since it would be a crime to leave out some of the other brilliant shirts I’ve discovered while scouring the Internet. In this column you won’t see a typical shirt featuring the outline of the state that simply says New Jersey, I’ll be concentrating on t-shirts with original ideas or funny concepts on them.

Our first set is from Solid Threads, a New Jersey company whose business skyrockted in the past 7 years. They’re proud of their state and ballsy enough to dedicate an entire section of their website to that fact! Solid Threads even started the NJFU club (It’s not what you think! It stands for the New Jersey Fraternal Union), a highly exclusive club in which only elite Jersey peeps can gain membership.

Less Than Jake: “Never Going Back to New Jersey”

Posted on May 11, 2009 by sexyarmpit

As a fan of bands who at one time wore tight leather pants, teased hair, and more makeup than your Aunty Sharon, you can see why I never got into Less Than Jake. Their upbeat ska influenced sound is bouncy and fun to listen to, which explains their legion of fans, but I just never connected with it. It’s possible that if Less Than Jake were a New Jersey sensation like Bon Jovi was 25 years ago, perhaps I’d be an LTJ junkie. What’s strange is how many New Jersey references a ska band out of Florida could be responsible for. Upon finding their track “Never Going Back to New Jersey” on the You Tubes, I was compelled to investigate further.

Vinnie Fiorello, drummer and lyricist of Less Than Jake, is the reason to LOVE Less Than Jake. Fiorello moved out of Jersey and down to Florida at 16, and soon became a founding member of the band. In what’s probably several million shades more angry than third wave ska, Fiorello has said his drumming is influenced by Dave Lombardo of Slayer, hence the 2 Slayer cover tunes LTJ has released. With his extensive musical background and savvy for the business, Fiorello co-founded the Fueled By Ramen record label in the late ’90s. The label rose to fame thanks to bands like Jimmy Eat World, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Paramore, The Academy Is, Cobra Starship, Gym Class Heros etc.

Once the company was overran with faygeles like Pete Wentz, Fiorello, in a Jersey-style manner, told the label to F–k off. He left to start 2 of his own record companies, Sleep it Off Records, and Paper and Plastick. He’s also got Wunderland War, a company that makes radtacular toys and clothes. Right on Vinnie!

In an article published on Buzznet via Kerrang, Fiorello described how up and coming bands are better off trying to break into the business independently: “You don’t need Pete (Wentz) hyping you…It’s a brand new game out there kids, f–k the old model. Don’t believe the hype.” Hey Vinnie, just so you know, The Sexy Armpit wholeheartedly shares in your distaste for Pete Wentz! Just type in “Pete Wentz Sucks“ in Google. That’s just a link to my article on Pete Wentz SUCKING!!!

I have no idea where he gets the time in his busy entrepreneurial schedule, but Fiorello has also written a children’s book called Sometimes Robots Are Happy Being Robots: 13 Stories Looking Into the World of Robots, and he keeps a blog: www.pickyourpoisons.com. Here’s a pic of a few of the cool things you can buy at Fiorello’s Wunderland War Online Store:

The Hindenburg Disaster

Posted on May 11, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Emil Salvini, author and fellow blogger over at Tales of the New Jersey Shore, posted a blog about the anniversary of the Hindenburg crash last week. Even though this disaster is permanently weaved into popular culture, many people may not be aware that it occured on May 6th, 1937 at Lakehurst Naval Air Station in Manchester Township, New Jersey. A slew of theories exist regarding what actually caused the German airship to ignite into flames, but the number of theories pale in comparison to the staggering amount of times the event gets mentioned in our everyday life.

As terrible as it was, the crash of the rigid airship Hindenburg is still a prominent pop culture reference and powerful visual. You can easily find mentions of Chicago announcer Herbert Morrison’s utterance of “Oh, the humanity,” or a picture of the flaming craft itself in commercials, TV shows, and and magazines.

The Gods of Rock, Led Zeppelin, were brazen enough to use the image of the famous Hindenburg disaster as cover art on their debut album. Don’t go thinking that the mighty Led Zep had no class, it’s quite the opposite actually. According to Wikipedia, Keith Moon was once quoted that the band would “go over like a lead balloon.” What was merely a self-deprecating, off-the-cuff comment by Moon turned into one of the most indelible album covers ever and had a new generation of kids thinking the photo was simply “the cover of a Led Zeppelin album.”

Artist George Hardie’s Rapidograph illustration of the famous photo

of the Hindenburg crash from United Press International.

Recently, The Hindenburg has also crashed the late night TV circuit. NBC’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon features a sharp sketch called the “Who Cares? Hindenburg” highlighting recent news pieces that Fallon rightfully deems irrelevant and need to die a horrible death. What better way to kill ’em than a send off in a flaming airship plummeting right into New Jersey? Funny shit…

12 Songs My iPod Spit Out Today

Posted on May 7, 2009 by sexyarmpit

My iPod picked out quite an awesome set of music for me during my morning commute to work today. This shuffle leans heavily on rock and manages to slide in some ’80s classics as well.

1) Try it Again – The Hives
2) Undone – Weezer
3) Shockwave – Black Tide
4) Back to Paradise – .38 Special
5) New Girl Now – Honeymoon Suite
6) Hot Girls in Good Moods – Butch Walker & The Let’s Go Out Tonites
7) Getting Away with Murder – Papa Roach
8) I Want You – Kiss
9) Fallen Angel – Poison
10) Now is the Time – Damone
11) Rockaway Beach – The Ramones
12) Guitar – Prince

Dallas: The Gathering Comic Mini Series

Posted on May 6, 2009 by sexyarmpit

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m still a crazed Dallas fan, even though I live 1,500 miles away and the TV series ended close to 20 years ago. Thanks to the show’s massive popularity, it’s legacy continues.

Courtesy of UltimateDallas.com, here’s the online comic mini series Dallas: The Gathering, based on a script by Bryan J. Kinnaird. The online comic continues where the series and TV movies left off, and just like the classic episodes, it boasts a shocking cliffhanger! You’ll enjoy the comic’s realistic artwork and its page viewer has a smooth, seamless interface.

He’s Dolph Ziggler and He Needs Google Maps

Posted on May 6, 2009 by sexyarmpit

WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler, who formerly paraded around as a male cheerleader in The Spirit Squad, has proven himself a capable singles competitor on Friday Night Smackdown. Ziggler impressed me so much in such a short time and has soared high above another WWE Superstar who was supposedly destined for mega-success. Who is that other wrestler? Why it’s…(mic drops from rafters)…MISSSTTTEEERRR KENNEDY! Kennedy! Drawing comparisons between these two comes to me as easy as vomit travels up into my mouth whenever I see Vicki Guerrero.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Dolph Ziggler

It would be hard to determine a winner in this bout since both of these WWE Superstars sport bleach blonde hair, elicit strong crowd reactions, and introduce themselves repeatedly. In this competition, Kennedy excels thanks to the experience factor and cemented fan base, while Ziggler edges out Kennedy in mat versatility and ability to draw heat from the crowd. Ziggler’s determination will skyrocket him to the top of the WWE, but not before he pays his dues in matches against jobbers like M.V.P. who’s been riding off the fame of View host Sherri Shepard. Ziggler doesn’t need Joy Behar to get people to notice him, he’ll grab your attention whether you like it or not.

In this clip from WWE Smackdown, Ziggler refers to New York as New Jersey, “…I am gonna win the United States Championship tonight, right here in NEW JERSEY!” This is the ultimate sin to the ears of New Yorkers, especially those in the crowd packed into the world’s most famous arena, Madison Square Garden! May I call that a “Ziggler Zinger?” Oh, but of course we Jersey folks have to suck it up every single time a band or a singer shouts “How you doin’ New York?” when they’re in The Meadowlands in East Rutherford, NJ and when that same band is performing in Atlantic City greeting the crowd with a geographically erroneous “What’s up Philadelphia?” Why does Jersey always get the shaft? Right on Dolph Ziggler, you tell ’em where they’re at! After his “Hi, my name is Dolph Ziggler” intro, he should add a “What’s up New Jersey?” to his gimmick regardless of what state he’s wrestling in. Referring to all the states as New Jersey seems to be the supreme slap in the face. Regardless of good or bad press, thanks for name dropping NJ, Ziggler, we’ll take it!

Sushi Quest: Braggarts and Bathroom Posters

Posted on May 4, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Last week, we finally found a Sushi place in Red Bank after realizing that Sunday is not the best day to embark on a such a search. I’m not a ritzy type of guy, I’d rather sit at home and microwave leftovers than have to eat at some pretentious establishment known for their distinct cuisine, but that describes many of the restaurants in Red Bank. My girlfriend and I were in the mood for some damn sushi and upon discovering 3 sushi places in the immediate area were closed, it seemed there’d be no sushi in our foreseeable future. I made a couple of phone calls and found out that The Bistro in Red Bank actually had great sushi.

After parking, we entered through the back entrance. I peeked down the hall and noticed that there weren’t any people sitting in the dining area. An employee walked by and I asked him “Are you guys open?” He followed up with “Not until 3:00 PM.” It was only a little after 2:00 PM at that point and I didn’t feel like waiting that long to eat. After growing more frustrated, we walked around to the front entrance and discovered that the restaurant was definitely open. There were people sitting in the seating area outside and in the front of the restaurant inside. I asked the waiter why the guy in the back of the restaurant told me they weren’t open yet and he said “Oh, he works at a different restaurant so he probably thought you meant his restaurant.” That didn’t register with me on a couple of levels. First, he was wearing the exact same black uniform the other Bistro employees were, so he couldn’t have been some nomadic waiter squatting at different restaurants in Red Bank until the one he works at opened. Secondly, if I asked him the question while standing INSIDE The Bistro, wouldn’t that obviously have meant that I was inquiring about the hours of the restaurant we were in at that moment? What an idiot.

On any typical day I would’ve grew angry and wondered how they could employ someone who lacked the ability to make sense of such a simple question. I took a deep breath, enjoyed the sunshine, salad, and sushi. Then as soon as I was beginning to calm down, a fire alarm started to ring across the street. A fair amount of smoke began to come out of a construction area in one of the storefronts.

While this emergency was going down, and the fire engine barreled down the street, a very snotty couple sitting beside us would not shut up. It seemed that this middle aged brunette with average looks, and a 60 something gray haired schlub, possibly her date, were off in their own world. The schlub kept talking about the 110-inch screen in his home theater room that he just had installed. I’m amazed at how many rich people walk around looking like they’re homeless but will brag about their possessions until you want to smack them in the mouth. Did I mention his exercise room? How could I miss that? He listed each feature of his fitness room including treadmills and free weights, but it was abundantly clear that he never touched any of that equipment EVER! In case you were curious, the seemingly unimpressed middle aged brunette will be making a move to Buenos Aires before summer and she’s also teaching in South Africa for part of the year. Hey schlubby, you should know that a big TV screen isn’t what impresses a woman, it’s how much of your fortune you’re willing to shell out to her!

‘The rich. You know why they’re so odd? Because they can afford to be.” – Alexander Knox, Batman (1989)

The day became even more interesting when I made a trip to the bathroom. As I walked up to the urinal, I noticed the poster on the wall in front of me said “What Movie…Whose Line? 101 Classic Movie Quotes.” I never would’ve made the correlation between the act of guessing movie lines and pissing in a urinal, but it’s a damn good idea. Let’s take it to the next level and lobby to have small LCD screens with movies and trivia games installed right above every urinal and toilet. This would prevent rogue piss droplets being sprayed all over by guys who can’t aim. This poster is effective for guys who can’t seem to look straight ahead when doing their business. There’s no reason why a guy should be looking over at another guy, but if you just can’t help yourself then it should be the mission of the proprietor to keep you entertained. A word of advice to all owners of establishments with bathrooms: Buy entertaining posters, it keeps guys focused!

One of the first quotes I managed to glance at was awesome: “Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!” – Sarah, Labyrinth (1986)

Ali Larter is April’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on April 30, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Don’t read this post and start thinking that ALL Jersey girls look like Ali Larter, because unfortunately that just isn’t true. What IS true is that many of the characters she plays possess traits of a Jersey girl. For Larter, a native of Cherry Hill, NJ, acting like a badass seems to come naturally.

Her resume has caused many a geek to cream their pants. Back around ’99, those same geeks might have also asked their girlfriends to wear whip cream underwear. If you weren’t aware of the spray on bra and panties that Larter redi-whipped onto herself in Varsity Blues, then you must’ve been buried under falling rocks in the Batcave during a cataclysmic earthquake. You’re forgiven if you have that clause in your movie watching contract that prohibits your eyelids from opening if there’s a movie or TV show with James Van Der Beek on. I don’t expect anyone to cop to knowing that the name of her Dawson’s Creek character was Kristy Livingstone, but I bet all the loose change in my BK ROTJ glass that you know Niki Sanders, her split personality psycho bitch from Heroes. If you missed her other roles that have made fanboys’ dreams come true all over the world, here’s some of the other films she’s starred in: Final Destination 1 and 2, Resident Evil: Vegas Vacation (Extinction), and my personal favorite Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

It’s a good sign that Larter is already into her 30s and still looking sexy. Hollywood usually kicks you out of town when you hit 27. Is hotness enough to help Larter’s career continue to thrive? Recently, Larter starred in Obsessed, a film in the vein of Fatal Attraction. For an indication on how good this movie is, just try to comprehend that even Peter Travers of Rolling Stone gave the film a zero. I’m sure the reviews aren’t any worse than those for her magnum opus National Lampoon’s The Stoned Age a.k.a Homo Erectus.

No bad reviews for Ali Larter here at The Sexy Armpit, only adulation. Not only does she freely admit she’s from New Jersey, but Larter is also quoted on her profile on IMDB as saying, “I hate pretty-looking boys. I’d rather have a guy with a potbelly than one who’s in the gym all the time and watches what he eats.” Who cares if she’s made some stinkers, her stock just skyrocketed!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.20: The NJ Parallelogram

Posted on April 29, 2009 by sexyarmpit

To celebrate the 20th installment of New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments, we’ll be joining the Real Ghostbusters once again! Surprisingly, in both their live action and animated forms, The Ghostbusters have a monopoly on NJ references. What has always appealed to me even more about The Ghostbusters is their seamless mix of humor and the supernatural. Whether they’re talking about particle reversal, ionization rates, or crossing the streams, their ideas always seem loosely based on scientific fact.

In the episode “Venkman’s Ghost Repellers,” (aired in 1986) a rash of ships have been disappearing into a part of the Atlantic Ocean referred to as The New Jersey Parallelogram. I suppose the writers of this episode thought “If The Bermuda Triangle was closer to New York, where would it be?” Why it’s got to be the most maligned state in the entire country, New Jersey of course! Ships have been floating along, minding their own business, and then BAM! right into another dimension through a wormhole that looks like something right out of Tron. Mysterious fog and “luminous spirits” were reported before the ships vanished. Inside the parallelogram there was no sign of Jimmy Hoffa, although the battleship Bismarck was spotted.

Also in this episode, Peter Venkman’s con man father pays the crew a visit at their firehouse HQ. He’s been manufacturing ponchos and calling them “ghost repellers.” One old kooky guy, Dr. Mulch, wants to charter a ship directly into the NJ Parallelogram while he and all of his mates wear the “ghost repellers.” They think if they wear the ponchos they’ll be safe from whatever supernatural forces exist inside the parallelogram. Once the Ghostbusters catch wind that the ship has disappeared, and the ponchos clearly don’t work, The Ghostbusters are on the job!

Author: sexyarmpit