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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 33: 500 Days of Summer

Posted on January 26, 2010 by sexyarmpit

“You have your moments. Not many of them, but you do have them.”

– Princess Leia, Empire Strikes Back (1980)

When watching a love story on DVD with your woman for the first time, you might compare it to other films you have seen, or she may compare it to a classic romance novel you read not too long ago. Although, if you are like me and you have nothing to compare it to, it’s easy to arrive at the closest thing in my brain. STAR WARS! After watching 500 Days of Summer, the first thing that popped into my head was Leia’s grudging compliment to Han after he blended the Falcon into hunks of space garbage in Empire Strikes Back. The aforementioned famous quote perfectly describes 500 Days of Summer. It won’t blow your mind, and despite the buzz, it will not win an Oscar. It does have a handful of amusing moments though, not 500 of them, but it does have them.

“This is a story of Boy Meets Girl…The boy, Tom Hanson of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he met the one“

SUMMER: Well you’re a perfectly adequate greeting card writer.

TOM: Thank you, that was actually my nickname in college, they called me “perfectly adequate” Hansen.

SUMMER: They used to call me anal girl.

TOM: (spits out drink)

SUMMER: I was very neat…and organized…

SUMMER: “I wanted to sing ‘Born to Run’ but they didn’t have it.
TOM: I love “Born to Run.”
SUMMER: Me too.
McKENZIE: Tom’s from New Jersey.
SUMMER: Really?
TOM: Yeah I grew up there, I lived there ’til I was 12.
SUMMER: I named my cat after Springsteen.
TOM: OK, what was his name?
SUMMER: “…Bruce…”
TOM: That makes sense.

After they do the horizontal hustle, we hear Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True” kick in. It’s a beautiful sunny day and, Tom, still glowing from his prior accomplishment, checks his hair in a nearby car window. Who appears in his reflection on the glass? Well, it just happened to be the coolest scoundrel ever to come from Corellia, Han Solo himself! I guess when you finally spend the night with the girl you’re in love with, you’re riding so high that you kinda feel like Han Solo is winking back at you. What follows is pretty badass, if you can see how a grandiose, cheesy, ’80s advertisement style dance sequence, replete with random people joining in, hands flailing in the air, a visit from an animated bluerbird, and a marching band would be considered cool. This was the high point of the film for me.

My only issue with 500 Days of Summer lies with the likeability of the characters. It’s not that we have a hard time liking them, it’s quite the opposite. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Tom Hansen, a charismatic underdog who becomes smitten with Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), a sort of enchanting, intangible brunette who ensnares Tom with her natural beauty. Until that point Tom must not have felt the chill of dating such a secluded girl who keeps her personal life and thoughts a mystery. Once you mess with a girl like that you don’t want any part of it again. Watching the emotional ups and downs of our main character falling for this distant girl who isn’t ready to fall in love is frustrating to watch at times. The story is more about how our past relationships shape who we become rather than formulating a typical saccharine Hollywood vehicle. The main theme of the movie is that certain relationships may not survive, but what we take away from them sometimes helps eventually lead us to that sappy kind of true love. Tom just had to pound out some duds before he got to his prize.

By the end of 500 Days, you may find your mind too crammed with frustration to even remember the warning. If you haven’t seen the film, I urge you to heed the tip given before the opening credits: “You should know up front, that this is NOT a love story.” The film does have plenty of scenes gleaming with gratification, but for those of you seeking a fun romcom with wacky hijinks, this shouldn’t be your first choice. 500 Days provides a more realistic look at unrequited love thanks to shining performances from its two talented stars.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 32: The Secret of the Ooze

Posted on January 21, 2010 by sexyarmpit

If you’re looking for toxic sludge in order to transform a wolf and a turtle into two monstrous mutants, then look no further than Bayonne, NJ! There’s plenty of ooze here thanks to the work of Techno Global Research Industries, or TGRI, a company who, for 15 years, has been dumping their noxious waste in Jersey no less. I guess they figured, “Why not dump it in Jersey? Oh sure, the state is filled with garbage anyway, so bury it over there!”

“…Reporting live from Bayonne, New Jersey, this is April O’Neil, Channel 3 News, back to you…”

This wasn’t just any ordinary waste, it was chemical ooze that could mutate anything into a jumbo version of itself. Unlike all the spam e-mails you get, this stuff could actually work miracles for a certain male appendage or even females with negative A cups. The only drawback is that after you lather up in it, you’d probably have to live the rest of your life ridiculously ripped and grow to 10 or 11 feet tall. If you’re cool with that and you have some sort of Guiness Book of World Records freak fetish, then by all means, go to Bayonne and find yourself some ooze! Just a warning though, you may have to dig through some of the alien carcasses that appeared in 2005’s War of the Worlds.

In an attempt to improve the company’s public image, TGRI tries to clean up much of the waste they have buried through the years of ecological incompetence. This ruise is not much different than some campaigns rolled out by many high profile companies in the last several years to “go green.” It’s common for companies to exploit the angle that they are being conscious of the environment to cover up a lot of their other shady operations. Just think, without this ooze, yeah maybe we wouldn’t have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but more importantly, we wouldn’t have Tokka and Rahzar!

At one point, as he’s being in interviewed by April O’Neil, Professor Jordan Perry (David Warner) even claims the sludge was non toxic! Oh yeah…of course. It was as non toxic as Crayola crayons! I don’t think so! Can you ever trust the man known as the voice of Ra’s al Ghul? I think not Detective…

Mutated giant dandelions, now do you understand why we’re called The Garden State?

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 31: 21

Posted on January 11, 2010 by sexyarmpit

“You want to count cards, you do it in Atlantic City!” – Cole Williams

The New Jersey Division of Travel and Tourism really ought to think about updating their slogan to “Come to New Jersey where our women are easy and our Blackjack tables are even easier!” In 2008’s 21, Cowboy Curtis…eh…I mean, Laurence Fishburne plays hardened casino security chief, Cole Williams, who beats down anyone he suspects of counting cards or cheating the house. Morpheus ain’t f-cking around either, he even slides his gigantic tacky gold rings around his fingers before he beats the shit out of you.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 30: Movie Madness!

Posted on January 4, 2010 by sexyarmpit

National Lampoon’s Movie Madness – wow, what a crapfest. I originally began my mission to see this film because I noticed that Diane Lane had a bit part in it. Luckily, a few years back, the film also known as National Lampoon’s Goes to the Movies aired on cable, so I checked it out. I’m sure there’s other bloggers and reviewers on the internet who consider this film to be a forgotten gem, but it doesn’t have many redeeming qualities, so before you search it out I warn you not to even bother. I’m sure the parody aspect of the film was much more effective back in 1982, but looking back it’s weak. Even Diane Lane’s role is easily forgotten. I’m usually a fan of weird, dry, and absurd humor, but this film didn’t even elicit a chuckle from me.

Ann Dusenberry as Dominique Corsaire, or…Miss Dairy Doll

In the “Success Wanters” segment of the film, the young and attractive Dominique Corsaire (Ann Dusenberry), recently graduated college and is determined to be successful. Corsaire was desperate after failing to find a job within days of graduating, so she becomes a stripper. One night Corsaire has a gig to dance at the National Conference of Presidents of Dairy Companies. She’s introduced as Miss Dairy Doll and the presidents heckle her to “show us your tits!” The lords of dairy got so charged up as she was dancing that they rushed the stage with sticks of butter. I’m pretty sure the “butter bang” is not in the kama sutra. Ahh, old dairy moguls and their weird sexual fetishes. (guys, don’t get any ideas OK? you’re wife probably won’t be into that) Corsaire wasn’t going to let the incident get her down. Corsaire vowed revenge on the butter industry. She wound up sleeping her way to the top of the Everest Margarine Company, then got busy with a wealthy Greek tycoon and his son, and eventually scored with the President of the United States.

In a slimeball attempt to make Butter and Margarine coexist, Jeff Steele, butter rep, sleeps with Corsaire. His vision for years was that “butter and milk could merge with margarine and other non-dairy creamers.” It sounded like a grand scheme, but little does he know that Corsaire’s actually using him to take his father, Walter Steele, a supreme overlord of butter, out of the picture. Sounds like the plot of a terrible soap opera, right? Well, not until you find out where Steele took her for a seductive rendezvous…

you’ll be hard pressed to find a Lake Interlude in New Jersey.

If you’re thinking of pulling a Jeff Steele style merger, then you’re better off making a rez at The Loop Inn Motel, in beautiful Avenel, NJ.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 29: The Polar Express Stops in Maplewood, NJ

Posted on December 25, 2009 by sexyarmpit

If you were on board The Polar Express, would you really want to stop in New Jersey? Can you believe that Santa Claus (aka Schlatter Claus) actually has to bring presents to the kids in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey? Santa would risk the chance of becoming a fat, red, radioactive, hairy beast. As you can see in this clip from 2004’s The Polar Express, Santa’s elves almost shitcan the idea of stopping in Maplewood, NJ, but the “big man” ultimately pusses out because he’s the nicest guy in the world.

This little punk bitch Steven from Maplewood put gum in his sisters hair and then acted like the lying brat that he is and couldn’t even own up to it. Steven repeated “I didn’t do it” over and over again. Whether I should be pissed at the creators and editors of The Polar Express, or if I should direct my anger toward the little annoying kid is irrelevant. Either way, this kid royally pisses me off. Why, why, why did they have to show that clip of “I didn’t do it” 5 times?? Are they serious? 5 f-cking times? Completely uncessary! I got the point after the first one, thanks. “I didnt do it” oh but you DID do it. You annoyed the Mumm-Ra ever living shit out of me. I want to smack this kid in the mouth with a spatula. Please cue Kool and the Gang’s latest track that they recorded just for me “Interrogation Time,” because if Steven didn’t do then I need some f’n answers. Hey Steven, who put the f’n gum in your sisters hair if you two were the only ones in the room at the time? You are the biggest f-cking liar! Stop blatantly denying that shit!

What’s with the elves sounding like they are from New Joisey? Apparently, Santa Claus is their Godfather figure or Tony Soprano take your pick. If there’s any truth to this then that means all of the wishes of all of the children around the world get filtered through the Garden state and then sent up to the North pole. Whether you are naughty or nice, the elves either say yay or “nah, f-ck that kid.” Remember when you wanted the Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas back in ’83? Remember how disappointed you were when you realized that it wasn’t under the Christmas tree? You can blame that on one of those made elves who ratted you out to Santa Claus about how you stole that little jerkoffs grape fruit roll-up at lunch time. Don’t even get me started on my Millennium Falcon fiasco! Let’s just say I was never able to recreate any of Han and Chewie’s space adventures all because of an incident involving artificial fruit and a cute little blonde girl. I’ll say no more. So, if you don’t get what you want from Santa Claus this year, blame it on the elves who run organized rat outs of naughty kids in NJ under the guise of waste management.

**There’s a lot more to be said about Maplewood, NJ’s place pop culture so stay tuned for future Armpit posts featuring this town!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 28: Dennis Miller on WWE Raw

Posted on December 17, 2009 by sexyarmpit

WWE Monday Night Raw has taken a nose dive ever since they started with this special guest host garbage. Grabbing low tier celebs in attempts to surge ratings is a piss poor stunt. Whatever happened to improving storylines, actually training talent instead of just throwing them on TV, and instead of bragging about being the “longest running weekly episodic television show in history,” a factoid they announce ad nauseum, why not prove it on the show? Monday Night Raw used to have literally epic stuff happening. When WWF was ailing in the mid ’90s, before Stone Cold and The Rock brought a big boom back to the wrestling biz, WWF Monday Night Raw was revolutionary wrestling programming. The last few years Raw has plummeted and last Monday’s episode did not help to raise the bar.

You too can be guest host of Monday Night Raw, but only if you have something to promote. Dennis Miller was promoting USA Cares, the non profit group that provides financial assistance to military families, which he’s the spokesperson for. From a programming standpoint, there was no better time to feature Miller on the show since WWE’s Tribute to the Troops airs this week. Also, many viewers watching may be more apt to donate money during the holidays. While I’m on the subject of things unrelated to wrestling, Dennis Miller’s weak shtick was chock full of random, forced pop references. Name dropping Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, and MTV’s Jersey Shore all in the same joke was kind of a stretch. Half of the fans in the arena in Corpus Christi, Texas that night weren’t even alive when Hole was popular. Now Jersey Shore on the other hand really grabs people.

Miller also made another reference to New Jersey as he sent a dig to Mr. McMahon. Miller said “Vince will be at The Chuckle House this Friday, Route 67 in Paramus New Jersey.” The best thing about New Jersey is that no matter whether it’s Saturday Night Live or WWE Raw, New Jersey almost always provides a winning punchline. I don’t care if we are the brunt of all the jokes because it provides me with more fodder.

If you Google “The Chuckle House Paramus New Jersey,” you won’t find any info on a comedy club in New Jersey. As much the NJ connoisseur that I am, I could not find any info on The Chuckle House. This may have been a comedy club back in the day, or it still operates with absolutely no web presence whatsoever, which is unheard of. Of course, there’s the other possibility that Miller just made this joint up out of thin air. Although, in case you were wondering, Route 67 is a real road in NJ.

Instead of being relevant to the wrestling industry, the guest hosts have been B-list celebs and people who aren’t even connected with the Raw audience. Wouldn’t logic dictate that they should feature WWE HOF wrestlers, managers, valets, and former commentators as guest hosts? I can understand if a celebrity plays into a storyline, but asking a guest host to be on the show just for the hell of it or to get onto more headlines on the Internet is a good ploy, but really f-cking stupid. Since Miller has veered toward politics rather than making people laugh, he seems like an odd choice for guest host. I’m happy they teased the upcoming appearance of Bret “The Hitman” Hart hosting Raw since he’s an icon in the business. That leaves me with only one question: Where the f-ck is Craig DeGeorge?!?!?! Now he’s my choice for guest host!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 27: Anger Management

Posted on December 8, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Jack Nicholson should never retire from acting. In the case that he does feel like hanging up that devilish, 10 mile wide smile of his and quit the acting biz, then I’d absolutely love for him to begin offering anger management therapy for all of us enraged, pent up, people from Jersey. I could deal without stopping my car in the middle of a bridge and singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story, but perhaps since Jack’s a fellow Jersey guy, he’d be able to offer me some insight. The deep breath and count to 10 thing just ain’t cuttin’ it. I’ll settle for just watching the DVD of Anger Management, which proves to be an amusing distraction, albeit, one that can only momentarily remedy my agitation.

Premiering to mixed reviews, I feel that Anger Management succeeds thanks to its fine cast including Sandler, Nicholson, the ever sexy Marisa Tomei, Woody Harrelson, Kevin Nealon, John Turturro, Luis Guzman and a host of awesome cameos. To top it off, they even managed to throw in a reference to New Jersey! In this scene, Andrew (Allen Covert), a well endowed douchebag who’s crazy about Marisa Tomei, is enjoying a drink with her as Dave (Sandler) walks into the bar:

Trenton,new jersey,Marisa Tomei,Jack Nicholson,Adam Sandler

DAVE: “…Not that crowded here tonight, you would think it would be packed.”

ANDREW: “Actually, I rented the place out. I just figured it would be more fun if it was just us Brown alumni. Where did you go to college again, Dave?”

DAVE: “Trenton Community College.”

While there are several colleges in Trenton, such as Mercer County Community College and Thomas Edison State College, there is no actual school named Trenton Community College. Before changing its name to The College of New Jersey and moving to Ewing, NJ, it was named Trenton State College.

I identified with this film, because all Dave (Sandler) needed to do to avoid getting wrapped up in anger therapy was know how to keep his mouth shut. To the surprise of no one, that is something that Jersey people have an insanely hard time doing. Growing up, all I heard from teachers, and on TV was that we need to “express ourselves,” and “speak our minds,” because after all, “you are entitled to your opinion!” Then the minute we open our mouths to do that we’re automatically accused of being rabble-rousers. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t take an anger management class if Jack Nicholson was teaching it in full Joker makeup and costume. Well, that’s a blatant lie and a total exaggeration. But not having some sort of edge or chip on your shoulder sort of seems like you might as well be spayed or neutered.

Nicholson grew up in Neptune City, NJ and attended Manasquan High School so it would be a fine way to give back to the community. I could see Jack now in his slyest demeanor…

JACK: “Does anyone have any questions about today’s lesson?”

STUDENT: “Yeah I do…what about that time you were on a murderous bloodthirsty rampage holding an axe and trying to kill the innocent Shelly Duvall? You seemed really fucking incensed! What was that all about?”

JACK: “Acting my good man…merely some fine acting. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.26: Jersey Devil Video Game

Posted on October 29, 2009 by sexyarmpit

This is the animated intro to the Jersey Devil video game on the original Playstation console. I remember seeing the game in clearance bins at Kaybee several times, but it never looked intriguing enough to actually buy it. Thanks to YouTube user S4muel666 for offering the video!

This time around, The Jersey Devil is the hero for a change. His enemy is a mad scientist who chemically alters veggies and sounds like Scrooge McDuck. The scientist has a minion, Dennis, who is a doting pumpkinhead. Eventually there’s mutated vegetables running rampant throughout the fictional Jersey Town and The Jersey Devil is the only hope. Although, the amount of ass The Jersey Devil can kick in that purple outfit is questionable.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 25: Q The Winged Commuter

Posted on October 22, 2009 by sexyarmpit

The 1982 thriller, Q the Winged Serpent, is among the best blogger fodder of all time. David Carradine, Richard Roundtree, and Michael Moriarty star in this epic feature about a giant flying lizard who’s just trying to get his eat on around New York City. With a plot like that it’s just too easy to make fun of.

If you can look passed the awful special effects, there is a truly amusing scene in the beginning of the film. An unassuming woman is clearly trying to relax on a lawn chair and catch some rays on the roof of her apartment building. Just like any typical NYC sun worshipper, she is lathering suntan lotion onto her bare breasts when she suddenly gets ripped from her chair and hoisted away into the sky by the frigging buzzkiller Q. It sucks because I was really getting into that scene too. The actress, Bobbi Burns, was emoting big time. I don’t think I’ve witnessed such a dramatic application of suntan lotion on breasts ever. She showed such a beautifully subtle and gentle massage technique. Wonderful.

So, let’s see, the effects are terrible, the plot is pretty lame, and the acting is mediocre at best, so what is Q’s redeeming quality? I’ll tell you:

As detectives assigned to what is assumed to be a case of ritual killings, Shepard (Carradine) and Powell (Roundtree), treat this monstrous winged creature like an average New York City criminal. It’s when they meet with Captain Fletcher that the buffoonery begins. Fletcher offers his opinion on how Q gets to Manhattan:

“You know it can take us weeks to find where this thing’s holed up. I mean, it could be in the woods, away from the city someplace, it could be over in Jersey someplace. My God, with a wing span like you’re talking about here that thing could fly miles into New York City every day, and it would do that of course you know because New York is famous for good eating.”

Yeah that’s it Fletcher. Q likes to eat at all the gourmet restaurants in midtown. That’s one thing about Q, he always likes to use silverware and napkins.

SERGIO: “Oh well, isn’t this a surprise! Good Afternoon Q! I’m Sergio and I’ll be your waiter today. Do you see anything on the menu that you like?”

Q THE WINGED SERPENT: “Umm, yes as a matter of fact, I’ll take one shirtless human female, basted in suntan lotion.”

SERGIO: “Mmm, that’s one of my personal favorites. I’ll bring her out right away!”

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.24: Donna Pinciotti’s Uncle from Hoboken

Posted on August 15, 2009 by sexyarmpit

“Plenty of classy men wear rings, Wayne Newton, the Pope, my Uncle Carmine from Hoboken…you lose his ring, you wake up in a dumpster! And that’s just a warning!”

Regardless of the era it’s set in, That ’70s Show is ageless. I can watch it on DVD, YouTube, or anytime it’s reruns are on TV. It was a comedy that succeeded thanks to its talented actors and writers who never let it get stale. There’s no way that I’d ever be able to pick a favorite episode, but one episode that sticks out in my mind for several reasons is Season 5’s 5th episode, “Ramble On (aka Promise Ring Redux).

Featuring the cast in a Super Friends parody, “Ramble On” also throws in a New Jersey reference! That ’70s Show was set in Wisconsin, so who woulda’ thought that Donna Pinciotti’s (Laura Prepon) uncle was from Hoboken?

The funniest line from this episode is when Red reprimands Eric about his man ring: “…well take it off, you look like some fruity magician!”

Fez compiments Eric on his man ring: “What’s not to like it’s hypnotic, it looks like you have super powers.” We then get to see Kelso have a momentary daydream where the cast enters into a full on parody of Super Friends with Red as Lex Luthor, Hyde and Jackie as incestuous Wonder Twins, Kelso as Batman, Eric as Superman, Donna as Wonder Woman, and Fez as Aquaman who wasn’t in this shot.