newark Archives - Page 3 of 3

Film Review: Jersey Guy (2003)

Posted on December 4, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Who the hell wants to watch a movie about a Jersey GUY anyway? I guess guidettes would, but only if it stars big sweaty fist pumping gorillas. It’s safe to say that more people are interested in Jersey GIRLS. We know for sure that Tom Waits, Bruce Springsteen, and shit, even Antonella Barba definitely are. The curious thing about the 2003 film Jersey Guy is that it disregards the typical Jersey stereotypes. It’s probably because Jersey Guy was made years before MTV’s Jersey Shore brainwashed the world into thinking everyone in Jersey is a guido. DJ Pauly D was probably on the ones and twos on his Fisher Price record player when this movie came out. So if it’s tanned, ‘roided, guidos you are looking for, pass this one up.

Jersey Guy is about Jack, a 25 year old who still lives at home…in Jersey (duh!). That’s not really out of the ordinary because, shit, I’d still be living at home if I didn’t have so many comics, toys, and other crap. Jack’s dilemma is that he fears marrying “the girl next door and living his parents life.” He works at a nursing home and not only does he worry about the elderly people living there, but also about his parents. His father, who mentioned several times that he grew up in the north ward of Newark, is played by Arthur J. Nascarella, a pretty decent substitute for James Caan.

Jack has an affinity for the old school. He drives a classic Mustang, and he hangs out with old people. For this to be a more enjoyable film that sentence would’ve ended with: “…and falls for Betty White in this all out comedy about whacked out senior citizens.” Jack grows bored and he’s seeking some sort of thrill in his life that’s more exciting than his job and stagnant relationship. Most of his time is spent keeping tabs on the kooky old folks in the nursing home, so one night he goes out to NYC with a co-worker, Merle, and miraculously starts talking to a hot model. There’s no way that would happen considering he was dressed like a total dork and hanging out with a guy that looked like he could be his grandfather. The movie is chock full of neverending montages including the one that establishes the already established fact that Jack is interested in this hot model. She’s shakes her hair back and forth and shoots seductive looks. I’m getting sleepy.

Even though the film was released in 2003, it was made pre-9/11. The movie seemed even more dated when we meet Jack’s younger teenage brother who has a thing for fashion model Claudia Shiffer, who peaked in popularity back in the ’90s. When Jack’s brother asks him what he’s going to do about this new girl he met, Jack says “what any self respecting guy from Jersey would do, I’m gonna call her.” Referencing the state is completey unnecessary, why does Jersey even play into his reply? That’s a totally unrealistic piece of dialouge. Nobody from Arkansas would say “What any self respecting guy from Arkansas would do.”

The blatant references to N.J were welcome, but the outdated and lame quips were not. The dialouge sounded like a high school kids conversation in the late ’90s with such corny lines as “do the nasty,” and “I just ate, no pun intended.” I’m no stranger to explicit jokes, but Jack goes into a ridiculously disgusting “what if” scenario that has his mother in law drinking his seminal fluids out of a used condom she discovered that he and his girlfriend Susan left in bed. This came early on in the film and the tone hasn’t been defined at that point so hearing a joke like that was abrupt and disturbing.

After an excruciatingly long sequence showing Jack unsuccessfully searching his closet for an outfit that isn’t a reject from the wardrobe department on the set of Leave it to Beaver, he hits up Willowbrook Mall to pick up some new clothes. Jack then realizes how rich and pretentious the model’s friends are. After hanging with her hipster pals and then heading out to the Hamptons with her, it’s obvious he doesn’t fit in with them. In part of his life he’s living it up and sleeping with a sexy model, yet he misses his hometown girl Susan, who he’s cheating on, but ultimately realizes she’s more important to him.

What makes Jersey Guy craptacular is the fact that Jack is a pathetic main character. Jack is unlike any Jersey Guy I’ve ever known. Making a trip to New York was a huge deal for him and it’s only a few miles away. It’s possible that the writers of the film attempted to draw parallels between Jack and the homebound seniors roaming around the nursing home, but it did not translate well at all.

Jersey Guy is a limp movie. The reality girl vs. fantasy girl theme has been done a thousand times, but I wasn’t attached to either of the girls. The only salvageable aspect of Jersey Guy was it’s nods to Jersey. Mentioned in the film are Route 23, the Seaside Boardwalk, Branchbrook park, and Central Avenue in Newark. Filming took place in Edgewater, Totowa, Bloomfield, and Wayne. Listen for shout outs to local newspapers The Star Ledger and The Bergen Record.

Newark State of Mind

Posted on May 27, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Ad Jerseum 3: Corona “This Island Jersey”

Posted on February 16, 2010 by sexyarmpit

“Bundle up!” not cheery. pissed. have to walk outside in 19 degree weather. shovel. scoop. toss. shovel. brush snow off car. get into car. residual snow falls onto seat. sit down, ass gets wet. turn car on. crank up defroster. get out of car. scrape ice off windshield. spray de-icer on windshield. begin to drive even though glass still fogged up. “Can’t be late for work!” obviously not smiling. roll down window. more snow falls into car. stick head out so I can see where I’m going. wonder why I don’t live here:

Believe it or not, I’ve been trying to track down a picture of this awesome billboard for a long time, but to no avail, until now. A few years back while on a train ride to New York City, I saw the same billboard as pictured above in Newark and thought it was one of the coolest beer ads ever. Corona ads have always taken a different approach from other beer brands. I praise Corona’s ad campaigns for making abundantly clear that they are a different breed than your average brew. This is cerveza. Sure, it’s easy to sell beer to frat boys. Bud, Miller Lite and Coors Light ads, all seem to say “I’m a masculine guy who loves sports and sexy women who love sports, now let’s get wasted!” Listen up, I’m not giving Corona props just because they were brazen enough to feature the Garden State in one of their ads, but they actually do present themselves in a more sophisticated light.

The regional aspect of this billboard accomplished more than what an average ad could. Back on that train ride, I took a glimpse of the billboard for a fleeting second but the image stuck with me. Momentarily, my mind was whisked away to the alluring, mysterious, and deserted island of New Jersey where beer runs from bathroom faucets and the warm ocean water is blue and the sand is soft and white. This visual only works for a few seconds until I abruptly flashback to what I actually have to deal with on a daily basis. In the winter, I wait about a minute and a half for my faucet water to become luke warm, so let me verify that no beer comes out. Then of course, our ocean water is usually frigid, which is more scary than refreshing even on sweltering days, and it’s dirty, nay, probably contaminated. The sand? Fuggedaboutit. Broken shells, cigarette butts, garbage, mashed up jellyfish, crab carcasses, used condoms; It’s all displayed for you like an unexpected putrid potpourri. You thought a vacation at the Jersey Shore was supposed to be all fried Oreos and Snookie? Ha. It’s a tough call but I’m going to say that Corona’s imaginary Jersey Island is intensely more appealing. I can envision myself right now relaxing on the beach, with my feet massaged into the soft white sand and the only thing I might have to defog is my sunglasses.

*A big thanks goes out to Michael William Sullivan for taking this perfect shot of the Corona Billboard. I’ve gone to several lengths to get a hold of this ad directly from Corona and the ad agency who created it, but neither were helpful. It would seem that presenting an ad on a blog could only mean free advertising for the product, right? Maybe next time when The Sexy Armpit knocks on their door they’ll give up the goods. Check out all of Michael William Sullivan’s excellent photography here at his Deviant Art page.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 38: New Jersey Nets

Posted on February 3, 2010 by sexyarmpit

NJ Nets Charcoal Flame Thrower T-Shirt by Adidas

found at FootballFanatics.com

You have probably heard by now that the worst team in the NBA may be gracing Newark’s Prudential Center with their shittyness for the next 2 seasons. “THANK THE FRIGGING LORD!” said Izod Center earlier today. The deal is not completely official, it’s merely waiting to be passed by new Governor Chris Christie. No big loss, the Nets are OUTTA’ HERE and hauling their asses off to Brooklyn, NY in 2012. The question remains whether or not New Jersey will opt to attract another franchise from the NBA to The Garden State. With an embarrasing record of 4-42, I’m going with a resounding NO on that one. As far as I’m concerned Brooklyn is doing us a huge favor and we should cut our losses. Unless of course The Nets play the best two seasons in team history at The Prudential Center…then GO NETS!!!

WWE Hell in a Cell Comes to The Prudential Center

Posted on August 7, 2009 by sexyarmpit

This photo of the Prudential Center appeared on WWE.com today

WWE brings their brutal pay per view, Hell in a Cell, to the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey on October 4th, 2009. The main event of Hell in a Cell takes place in a massive, roofed steel cage. Stars from Raw, Smackdown, and ECW will compete at the event. The last time WWE broadcasted a live pay per view from New Jersey was Summerslam 2007 at the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, which wasn’t as impressive as I hoped. I’m sure Hell in a Cell will squash the lame aftertaste Summerslam ’07 left.

Tickets go on sale this Saturday morning through Ticketmaster, but you may have been one of the lucky people to get in on the pre-sale that happened this week. The Sexy Armpit will be ringside for Hell in a Cell, the first ever WWE pay per view event to emanante from the 2 year old arena.

The Prudential Center shares a common nickname associated with WWE, “The Rock,” is not only Dwayne Johnson’s former moniker, but also refers to The Prudential Center as well.

For more info check out the official press release at The Prudential Center’s website.

The Perfect Age of Rock and Roll Review

Posted on June 26, 2009 by sexyarmpit

“Nobody Leaves This Place Without Singing The Blues.”

– Albert Collins, Adventures in Babysitting

This isn’ the f–king Partridge Family. That’s what crossed my mind as the screen was ignited by The Perfect Age of Rock and Roll, the next classic rock and roll road film and winner of Outstanding Achievement in Filmmaking at the 2009 Newport Beach Film Festival. I was honored to have been present at a private screening of the film where I sat with the director and writer Scott Rosenbaum, producer Joseph White, and cast members including blues legends Hubert Sumlin and Sugar Blue. Their presence made the night unforgettable as the film affirms that rock and roll is merely the bastard child of the blues.

It’s the early ’90s and Spyder is the lead singer of The Lost Soulz, a mega famous rock band. Their first album was made up of songs Spyder stole from his best friend Eric who he left in the dust and moved out to L.A in search of fame. Without his songs, the second Soulz album tanked. The bands 15 minutes has almost ran out, but they have one last chance to redeem themselves. Oh, but there’s one thing, Lando Calrissian is their record producer! “How you doing, you old pirate? This contract is getting worse all the time!” OK, so, Billy Dee’s not actually Lando, he’s Ace Millstone and he’s not messing around. He wants the third Soulz record completed on time or they’ll be dropped from the label and vanish into obscurity. They can sure as hell forget being inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, although they probably wouldn’t be eligible anyway since they stole all their hits songs. Sucks for them, that’s some predicament.

Forcing legs into leather pants can usually be quite a challenge, but Kevin Zegers (Dawn of the Dead, TransAmerica) slips into Spyder’s pair with remarkable ease. In a moment of desperation, Spyder, a Gerard Way looking dude with more mental issues than Brian Wilson watching Donnie Darko, sucks up his pride and flies back home to Long Island to visit his eternal best friend and former band mate, Eric. Son of a legendary deceased rocker, Eric is a shabby music teacher played by Jason Ritter (Freddy vs. Jason, W.). Spyder proposes that Eric join the band as their guitarist and they put the misty mountain of songs that he’s written to good use. After the hard sell, Eric reluctantly accepts under one condition, they drive cross country back to L.A while getting their kicks on the legendary Route 66.

Since Eric’s dream of touring the country and experiencing the rock and roll lifestyle was ripped away from him, he’s making this chance count. We’re invited along for the ride in a tin lizzie of a tour bus, which is one step above the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. As the Soulz pass through the states rolling down the highway, they encounter sex, drugs, booze, and even a lesson in the blues from Sugar Blue and Hubert Sumlin.

If you’re planning on taking the whole band cross country, Peter Fonda is YOUR bus driver! In an amalgamation of many of his classic roles, Fonda’s Auggie West acts as a mentor to The Lost Soulz. Auggie’s been down this road before and attempts to steer Eric and Spyder clear of drugs and band breakups. Fonda’s comedic ability is impressive as a timeworn hippie stoner attempting to nurture a new generation of counterculture. While navigating Route 66, Auggie frequently displayed his world of musical knowledge by challenging the band and their manager Rose (Taryn Manning), to “name that tune.” It was goofy fun, but also his inherit shot at enriching the band’s musical prowess.

To illustrate the erratic Axl/Slash relationship between Spyder and Eric, Rosenbaum intertwines classic rock songs with striking visuals. The Lost Soulz tracks were created for the film by members of The New York Dolls and composer Andrew Hollander. Zegers and Ritter actually sing on these tracks. In addition to classic rock songs, you’ll hear old blues classics that have later been covered by modern bands. The filmmakers captured several intense scenes depicting the temptation, allure, and consequences of the rock and roll lifestyle which are accentuated through vivid camerawork, sharp editing, and the carefully chosen soundtrack. Rock films often succumb to looking awash in colored filters, fuzzy effects, and nausea inducing jump cuts, but thankfully, this is not one of them.

The musically adept cast bring the scenes to life like they’re strumming a Strat. Taryn Manning (Crossroads, 8 Mile) is the Soulz manager Rose, and Lukas Haas (Lady in White, Mars Attacks) stars as Clifton, a writer for Revolver magazine. Manning is in a band called Boomkat and has starred in Butch Walker’s “The Weight of Her” video, while Haas has appeared in music videos by My Chem and Death Cab, and also plays drums in a band called The Rogues. The onscreen rhythm section of The Lost Soulz consists of bassist Bixx played by Jasin Cadic, co-writer of the screenplay, Edison NJ native, and musician in the band Handful of Dust. Drummer Bonzo, is actually Marty E. of The Dirty Pearls, the reigning kings of NYC’s rock scene. Director Scott Rosenbaum, also a drummer, told me about Marty’s key role in the film, “There is nothing worse than a movie performance of a band where the actors can’t hold their instruments and the drummer looks like he’s mixing a cake. It’s obvious and it sucks. Marty kicked ass.”

Being a New Jersey aficionado, I was thrilled to discover that many scenes in P.A.R.R were filmed here. The production company set up their H.Q in Rahway and used several locations around the state including Burlington County, Marlboro, Montclair, Newark, Westfield, and Cadic’s Grandmother’s house in Edison. “Montgomery Township was awesome to us! The mayor even came down to the set!” said Producer Joseph White. The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville and The Colorado Cafe in Watchung also served as backdrops for Soulz concert scenes.

P.A.R.R is the inspiration of its writer and director Scott Rosenbaum. He’s crafted an intrepid film that, as of press time, is seeking a distributor. Producer Joseph White indicated that the distributor “should care as much about rock and roll and the blues as we do.” It’s clear that the filmmakers are music buffs thanks to various references strategically planted in the film like hidden Mickeys at Disney World. Even the title of the film alludes to the “27 club,” a list of musicians who died at 27. The closing credits feature vintage clips of some of its members like Morrison, Joplin, and Cobain.

The film left me with the impression that our video game culture controlled by plastic wireless instruments is in dire need to be versed in the feelings that incited musicians to create Rock and Roll in the first place. If you’ve ever stood in front of a Marshall stack and “let the sound take you away” or “played until your fingers bled,” then this movie was made for you.

Music from Nirvana, Bob Dylan, Alice in Chains, Jane’s Addiction, Iggy & The Stooges, and more. For more, visit: www.ThePerfectAgeofRockNRoll.com

Jay Amabile, www.TheSexyArmpit.com

Oprah Slips Newark, NJ Some Serious Cash

Posted on February 3, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Oprah Winfrey, book club guru and female empowerment icon…oh yeah…and talk show host, has donated over $1.5 million bucks to non-profit schools and organizations in Newark, NJ. Thanks Oprah, I guess. I remember my lower middle class high school was built in the ’50s; it was and still is decrepit, falling apart, and has major ventilation issues. The heat would blast when it was 90 degrees out and the air conditioning would be pumping when it was 15 degrees out. When I was a student there the track was made of blacktop which was cracked in several places and no track and field teams in the region would compete at our school. Oh…and one more thing, our junior prom was held in our gym with student made decorations. I wasn’t asking for it to be on a cruise ship or anything, but talk about cutting corners! Oprah couldn’t you have spread the wealth around the state more evenly? I understand the non-profits need help, but the public schools in this state may be in worse shape.